The Baltimore Waltz and Other Plays

by Paula Vogel

  URSULA: You’re talking mighty big for someone who swaps for stockings…

  LILLIAN: Listen, sister, I’ve just about had it with—

  URSULA: You were just a scrawny virgin with big eyes in Storeyville while I was satisfying the troops—

  LILLIAN: Seniority be damned…who cares if you were fucking at Gettysburg!

  URSULA: Gettysburg!

  MAE (Overlapping): Girls, girls! Enough! Now stop it—right on the street. I’m going to have to separate you just like you were in grammar school again. Edna, sit in between Lillian and Ursula. Lillian, move down next to Vera.

  (Edna gets up, sits in between, and smiles pacifically at Ursula.)

  LILLIAN: Suits me fine. Hi, Vera.

  MAE: Edna—it’s 4:30 now. Are you aware of the time?

  EDNA: Yes.

  MAE: Be especially nice to Mr. Lawrence today.

  EDNA: I’ll give him a good time.

  VERA: 4:30 already, is it? That’s why my stomach is growling…it’s almost time for dinner. I have the strangest hankering for dinner tonight…I feel like going to the produce market up the street—the one on 76th is the best—and buying two pints of the first raspberries of the season. Did you notice that raspberries are back again? God only knows, I love those things…but they’re so expensive. They’re a very delicate fruit. What I’d like most is just a bowl of raspberries, washed ever so carefully, with cream on top. No sugar. Nothing else. My mother used to make babies in a blanket: raspberries wrapped in pastry and then sprinkled with confectionery sugar. I’d make myself ill eating those. But raspberries plain are the best.

  Blackout One

  There is a blackout. It should be of short duration. It is optional as to whether or not Vera’s monologue runs through the brief darkness. When the lights come up, Vera, Edna, Ursula and Mae are still sitting as before. The women are clearly subdued.

  VERA: Those raspberries we had on Saturday were delicious. I offered some to Lillian, and she tried a little. She thought they were just right. Not too ripe and mushy; they were still tart. And I said to her, don’t the seeds bother you, though? The way they get into the cracks of your plates and rub against the gums? And she said, “Vera, if it bothers you, just take your plates out. I won’t mind.” And she didn’t mind. That’s just the kind of person she was.

  MAE: We all miss her very much.

  (Pause.)

  URSULA: Funny…

  MAE: What is?

  URSULA: Didn’t think she’d be the one to go first.

  MAE: Oh? Who did you think would be first?

  URSULA: Just didn’t think she’d be the one, that’s all.

  EDNA: She kept her looks to the end.

  URSULA: She was blind as a bat, though.

  VERA: Oh, Lillian always did have the loveliest skin. Beautiful eyes, too. I can remember begging to brush her hair when we all lived in the house…Do you remember how long her hair used to be?

  EDNA: Miss Mae’s Wild Irish Rose, the men used to call her.

  MAE: She was the prettiest of us all.

  (Pause.)

  VERA: Well, I hope I’m next.

  MAE: Vera!

  VERA: Well, I can’t help it, Mae, ’cause I do. I want to go like Lillian did—all of a sudden, with all of my faculties. Just talking one moment, and gone the next. It’s been a good life. I’m ready to go.

  MAE: I want all of that kind of talk stopped. Our gentlemen are bound to be upset as it is over Lillian; they need some calming down. No more talking of…passing away. They pay us to escape all of that, not to hear it analyzed in our arms. Do you hear, Vera.

  VERA: Yes.

  (Pause.)

  URSULA: Well, I guess there’s going to be a lot more work around here for everybody.

  EDNA: Of a specialized sort…

  MAE: Well, it’s true that on account of Lillian’s arthritis, I assigned her gentlemen with a special preference…a certain taste different from most of your clients.

  URSULA: Oh, Mae, you don’t have to be delicate with us! We know that Lillian was blowing half of Jefferson Square…

  MAE: Ursula, what you’ll never learn, after fifteen years of apprenticing, is that it takes style to run a stable right.

  EDNA: Mae, what are we going to do about Lillian’s friends?

  MAE: Befriend them. Lillian only had three a week; that means one for each girl. I’ll talk to Mr. Brett, Mr. Sidney and Mr. Adam this evening and make up a new schedule for all of you that won’t be taxing.

  URSULA: Vera likes to take her plates out; why don’t you assign all three to her?

  VERA: I do not take my plates out on the job!

  (Taking courage) Now that Lillian’s gone, Ursula, don’t think you can start in on me in her place!

  URSULA: My.

  MAE: I think it would be dignified if we all banded together in Lillian’s absence…

  (Pause.)

  EDNA: I hear Mr. Loman’s gone to the Presbyterian Home…

  VERA: Yes, that’s right, there’s to be a new tenant in 1116A.

  URSULA: Oh? A new tenant?

  VERA: A Miss McPherson.

  URSULA: Oh. Well, I don’t guess she’ll need our friendship. Although, you never know…we could branch out in new directions.

  MAE: I don’t think that’s funny. You’re in a peculiar mood today, Ursula.

  URSULA: I’m in a great mood today.

  MAE: Well-well, I think that’s scandalous.

  URSULA: I don’t brook hypocrisy. Let me tell you, when I saw Lillian laid to rest this morning, I felt just fine.

  MAE: I don’t want to hear it. You may have had your fights while she was alive, but she was still—

  URSULA: Oh, you don’t understand the first thing. It’s not at all personal. I’ve been thinking all day: It’s not me! It wasn’t me! I’m still going strong!

  MAE: Good. I’m glad to hear it, Ursula. You won’t mind taking on Mr. Adam, then. He’ll keep your mind to your business. We’re all professionals; we need to put away the events of this day and get on with our responsibilities.

  VERA: We’re losing another client, too…Mr. Simon.

  MAE: Oh…I forgot all about—so you’ve made up your mind.

  VERA: Oh, no. I can’t marry him. He’s been kidnapped.

  EDNA: How can a man his age be kidnapped?

  VERA: By his kids. His kids have kidnapped him to New Jersey. I met them in the lobby, carrying poor Mr. Simon away. They’ve threatened to put him in a home if he doesn’t behave himself at his age. I guess he won’t be returning to Jefferson Square—he’s going to live with them, now.

  EDNA: Oh, no, Vera. I’m so sorry.

  MAE: That’s outrageous! That those kids could just waltz in and—

  URSULA: Oh, they can and they did. All they have to do is contest his sanity in court. Got to hand it to them. Smart.

  VERA: I don’t want his money. I really didn’t want to leave, even more so now that Lillian’s gone. So that’s that.

  MAE: We’re still short a hand…I’ve made a decision. When the going gets tough, the tough get going…I will pick up the trade again.

  (A decided stir on the bench.)

  VERA: There’s really no need, Mae. Edna and I can take up the slack.

  URSULA: Oh, Mae’s just got the seventy-year itch.

  MAE: Well, I’ve forgotten…ho w it feels. I want to remember. I don’t want to die wondering. I think I’ll take Mr. Samuel on.

  EDNA: Oh, but Mae, Mr. Samuel is awfully rough trade to start with. Why don’t you warm up gradually?

  VERA: Mae? Do you think it’s safe? After all these years, to just—

  URSULA: Oh, if he dies, he dies…

  EDNA (To Vera): We can’t let her start out with Mr. Samuel.

  (To Mae) What about Mr. Andrew? He’s a lovely man. And very gentle.

  VERA: Yes! He’ll do. Mae? What about Mr. Andrew? Edna’s 10:30 appointment on Tuesday?

  MAE: All right, then—Mr. Andrew…I can’t wait. I may b
e a little rusty…

  URSULA: Not just rusty, more like lockjaw—

  MAE: But it’s like riding a bicycle, isn’t it? What do you girls say to the client at the start of your appointment; how do you get them to relax?

  URSULA: I usually say the management does not accept personal checks.

  MAE: Do you think Mr. Andrew would like my blue dress or the peach chiffon?

  (Pause. Edna, Vera and Ursula look at each other; Edna and Vera are concerned about Mae’s sudden amateur enthusiasm; Ursula is amused. Mae answers her own question) The peach chiffon, I think.

  Blackout Two

  Another brief blackout. Lights come up to reveal Ursula, and Edna and Vera sitting closely together on the other end of the bench. Edna and Vera look intimidated.

  URSULA: I believe in punctuality. 1:30 is 1:30; not 1:45. Mae stood for frittering away time, but time is money. Now, if I may have your attention, I’d like to review some notes about the past week—

  VERA: Oh, Ursula, please, we’re on our lunch break. We only get an hour as it is now, and—

  URSULA: You can sit there and digest while I’m talking. “Waste not, want not.” Now then: I want to rearrange things and get them straight. I’m switching some of the customers around. Edna, I want you to take on Mr. Ezra—Vera’s too much of a gadder for his likes. He couldn’t concentrate last week. He’s not pleased.

  VERA: It’s not my fault if he couldn’t get it—

  URSULA: The customer’s always right. So, Vera, you’re to replace Mr. Ezra’s 10:30 slot with Mr. Adam. He’s half deaf, so you can yak at him all you want. Second item: Since Mr. Francis is still in the hospital, and as Mr. Sidney will be leaving for Florida this week, I’ve scheduled in two new customers—

  VERA: We’re…we’re taking on more customers?

  URSULA: Well, I can’t be expected to carry on the trade. I’m in charge now, and there are increased privileges that go along with the increased responsibilities. You two can manage perfectly well.

  (Edna grunts.)

  VERA: But…but Ursula, we’re taking on all of Lillian’s gentlemen too…

  URSULA: As I’ve said before, a little more elbow grease…and less lolling about in bed. When your customer’s through, firmly but politely get out of bed and say, “That will be ten dollars, please.” He can count it out while you dress. So, we’re increasing to two in the morning, two in the afternoon. Remember Edna—don’t talk to Mr. Ezra. And Edna—I thought I made it plain last week about the new policy. Cancellations without a week’s notice will be billed just the same as if services had been rendered. Mr. Benjamin owes ten dollars on his bill.

  (Edna is silent)

  Do you understand?

  EDNA: Yes.

  URSULA: What’s wrong with you today? Cat caught your tongue?

  EDNA: Bone tired.

  URSULA: What?

  (Edna is silent)

  What did you say? Speak up; I didn’t hear you.

  VERA: She said she’s tired. I’m tired, Ursula. It’s just too much. If you must assign new customers, then give them to me. Let Edna alone. I’m younger than she is, I could take them on—

  URSULA: Nonsense. We all have to pull our weight around here. We’re getting spoiled; back in the old days we used to have men queued up outside the door, three an hour. Without coffee breaks and lunch breaks and piss breaks.

  VERA: That was during the war. That was patriotism.

  URSULA: “Charity begins at home.” Times are changing; the overhead on this business is growing by leaps and bounds. The last management left the books a shambles…

  VERA: Mae worked her ass off for us! And we still had time for a two-hour lunch…

  URSULA: But what good was her working like a dray horse if she frittered all her capital away? That woman didn’t even have enough put by to pay for the flowers, much less the priest…I’m the one who had to scrape up the extra…

  VERA: That…was very good of you, Ursula. I’m sure Mae would have appreciated it; those flowers looked so real, didn’t they, Edna?

  EDNA: Yes.

  (Vera looks at Edna carefully.)

  URSULA: Well, Mae’s not around to thank me for it, that’s for sure. And she called herself a businesswoman. Dying in a customer’s arms without a penny to her name! Let it be a lesson. When I go, you’re gonna need two strong arms to carry away what’s left.

  (Pause)

  Mae never understood the first thing about investments. That was her problem. Money makes money. She just let the money sit in the bank, wrote checks, and let the future go hang.

  (Pause)

  Yes, sir, other people made money off of our money. Just lying there in the account, bone idle. I suppose I should tell you…

  (Edna looks up sharply.)

  EDNA: Tell us what?

  URSULA: I’ve made a decision. We simply can’t go on depleting our capital, week after week. I thought at first I would invest the principal sum in my own commodities, but that would create a glut on the market. I’m keeping my little secret well guarded…

  EDNA (Sharp): What exactly are you trying to tell us, Ursula?

  URSULA: I’ve set up two accounts. One account will be for our expenses, and if we live frugally, should be quite sufficient for our needs. You two have always lived high on the hog, in the past, and have to learn—

  EDNA (Overlapping): What Have You Done With The Money!?!

  URSULA (Overlapping): Don’t leap to conclusions. There are savings and loans offering good rates these days; I’ve invested the principal sum in certificates of deposit at twelve-and-a-half percent annually—

  EDNA (Overlapping): A certificate of deposit!

  VERA (Overlapping): A certificate of…what’s a—

  URSULA (Quickly): Where it will turn over a little profit. Any fool can see the merits of—

  EDNA (Overlapping): Oh, God.

  VERA (Overlapping): But Edna, what’s a certificate of deposit? What’s happening?

  EDNA: She’s just slammed away our money in an account where we can’t touch it.

  URSULA: That’s not true. It’s still our money. We only have to wait eighteen months.

  EDNA (In a dead voice): Eighteen months.

  URSULA: You…you have to believe in the future.

  VERA: We…we don’t have any money left?

  URSULA: Nonsense. We have a substantial sum to draw on in a regular checking account. My God, Edna, you’re a pig-headed woman. Anyone else would say, “Thank you, Ursula,” for my pains on your behalf.

  VERA: But…but what if something should happen?

  URSULA: Nothing will happen. Any business involves risk—

  EDNA: Your business, our risk. You should have asked.

  URSULA: “Too many cooks spoil the broth.” Mae had carte blanche around here to do what ever fool thing she wanted, no questions asked. I come around and bring a little order, make things cost-effective, and what thanks do I get?

  (No one says anything. Edna shifts forward on the bench, pale. She quietly grips the edge of the bench.)

  URSULA: This is only the beginning. Eighteen months down the road, who knows? I’d like to get my fingers into a little real estate. Now there’s money…and deregulation’s just down the road. Yes, sir, trust in the future…alternative energies, junk bonds, cable TV, strip mining’s going to come back in a big way, I can tell you—

  (Suddenly Edna lets out a small:)

  EDNA: Oh.

  (Edna stares intently in front of herself, gripping the bench.)

  VERA: Edna? Edna? What is it?

  (Pause.)

  EDNA: I…I have…a pain.

  (Vera jumps up and goes to Edna.)

  VERA: A what?

  (Rubbing Edna’s back) Where does it hurt? (Edna does not respond. Edna closes her eyes)

  (To Ursula) This all comes from you—you and your money shopping around. Cost Efficiencies!

  URSULA (Alarmed): Cost-effective—

  VERA: I don’t give a cold crap what
! Edna’s sick! What good is all the money in the world if we drop dead in our tracks from exhaustion!

  URSULA: Edna’s just…a little under the weather. It’s…the heat. Maybe she should take a little time off. Cancel her two o’clock.

  VERA: Edna. Edna, do you want to go to the hospital?

  (Edna shakes her head no.)

  VERA: I’m taking her home, then. Right now. And in a taxi—and you’re going to pay for it, Ursula.

  URSULA: All right, all right. Here. (Fishes in her purse and draws out two dollars) Take this—just make sure you don’t let him run the meter—

  EDNA: Wait. Wait a minute…

  (Ursula and Vera stand still, tense, waiting. Edna lets out a belch. Then, she sighs, relieved. Edna even smiles.)

  EDNA: Thank God. Gas.

  VERA: Gas?

  (Vera settles back down on the bench. The women relax. Pause.)

  URSULA: You’ve got to cut out the onions at your age, Edna.

  EDNA: I’ve got to stop wolfing down my lunch in an hour.

  URSULA: Well, according to my watch, it’s almost two. Vera, Edna, you should go.

  VERA: Ursula?

  URSULA: What is it, Vera?

  VERA: I’d like some time off this afternoon. Cancel my three o’clock.

  URSULA: Why?

  VERA: I…I told Mr. Francis I’d visit him this afternoon at Roosevelt.

  URSULA: You just saw him two days ago.

  VERA: Well, I know that, Ursula, but he’s lonely. And…he’s very sick.

  (Sniffling) He’s lying in that semi-private room, looking so frail in bed. I never realized how tiny he is. And no one else visits him. He’s…he’s a great favorite with the nurses, though.

  URSULA: I’m sure the nurses are taking very good care of him. Roosevelt’s a good hospital. I’ll bet he’s paying through the nose for it, though. He’s better off than we are.

  VERA (Smiling while sniffling): You know…you know what he calls me? He introduced me to his roommate. He said, “This is my girlfriend.” And he told all the nurses in the ward about me.

  EDNA: He’s very fond of you. Always has been.

  VERA: The last visit, he just wouldn’t let go of my hand. Kept holding my hand, and saying how cute his girlfriend was. Said I made him feel well again. I want to go to the hospital this afternoon, Ursula.

  URSULA: What about Mr. David? Mr. Julius?