“What did you tell her?” Steve demanded.
“The truth—that I broke the date, not you—but she refuses to believe me. She’s convinced you’ve done something awful. I’m so sorry, Steve.”
His eyes widened with frustration. “Would you stop apologizing? What’s gotten into you?”
“Mom,” Amiee cried, “you aren’t actually going to talk to him, are you?”
“Amiee, please,” Cassie pleaded. “Give me a few minutes to sort this out with Steve privately, okay?”
Amiee nodded and retreated to her bedroom, slamming the door.
“That girl’s got a powerful kick,” Steve said, rubbing his shin.
“Three years of playing soccer will do that,” Cassie said. “I should have taken your call, but I was busy at work, and …” She left the rest unsaid, certain he would be able to fill in the blanks.
He rubbed his hand through his hair the way she loved. “I’ve been stewing ever since Saturday night. I don’t understand what’s happening with us, Cassie.”
He had every right to be frustrated with her. The only way she could explain, could talk to him, was to share her fears. She led him to the sofa and they sat side by side, so close their knees touched. Cassie pressed her hand over her heart.
“The bottom line is that I don’t think I’m ready for a serious relationship.”
“Okay,” he said, dragging out the word. “But I’m not sure what that means. I need a little direction here. Are you saying you don’t want to see me at all?”
“No,” she rushed to tell him. “I do want to see you. I want us to be friends.”
“Friends?” he repeated.
“You agreed we could take this one day at a time,” she reminded him.
“Friends,” he repeated. “Cassie, you sound like you aren’t really sure what you want.”
She capped her knees with her hands and stared down at them. “Falling in love is a scary prospect for me. My sole experience with being in love left me battered and scared, and while I would like to claim I’m a new woman, I seem unable to let go of the fear or the past.” Shifting on the sofa, Cassie crossed her arms in a defensive, protective way over her heart. She felt she had to explain further. “The thing is, when it comes to falling in love, I haven’t exactly shown the best judgment.”
“You were a teenager, for the love of heaven. You were young and naïve when you met and married Duke.”
“Even so, I’ve come a long way, but I have an even greater distance to go. This isn’t the right time for me to give my heart away. And really, what do I know about love and relationships? It would be the easiest thing in the world to fall for you. I’m more than halfway there already, and it scares me to death.
“I know you might not understand any of what I’m saying, that’s the risk, but I’m hoping you do and are willing to give me the room I need to grow, make my own decisions, and rebuild my life. Then and only then will I be ready for love.”
Steve exhaled slowly and rubbed his hand along the back of his neck. “So where does that leave us?”
They sat facing each other as he awaited her answer, but Cassie didn’t know what to tell him. She didn’t doubt for an instant that Amiee had her ear pressed to her bedroom door and was listening to their exchange. That made what she had to say all the more important.
“I don’t know, Steve. I thought I did, but I don’t.”
“Would you like some time to think all this over? I’m content to wait until you’ve got this figured out. I never meant to pressure you, although it appears that’s exactly what I did. In which case, I suppose I’m the one who owes you an apology.”
Cassie didn’t know how to answer him.
“Cassie?”
Slowly she nodded. “I think that might be the best for now.”
The room went shockingly silent.
“Okay, that’s the way we’ll play it,” he said, his voice gaining strength. “I’ll step aside while you figure out what it is you want. I’ll wait for you to contact me. Is that fair?”
“More than fair.”
Amiee’s bedroom door opened. It seemed that Steve was about to say something more, but he swallowed whatever it was.
“Do you need me, Mom?”
“No, honey. I’ll manage this. Thank you.”
Her daughter looked doubtful, but then did as Cassie requested and returned to her bedroom. This time she didn’t close the door completely.
Steve stood and looked down at his shoes. “So this is it, then.”
“For the time being, until I get everything sorted out in my head.” She was certain pride demanded that he not give her any indication of what he was feeling. She wondered if he’d move on while she had him on hold. But she knew it was what she had to do, even if that’s the risk she was taking.
“Okay, I’ve got it. I’ll give you all the breathing room you need.” He headed for the front door.
“We can still be friends, right?” she asked, hurrying after him.
“Sure,” he said, shrugging off the question. He walked out the door, and he didn’t look back even once.
Cassie had assumed she’d feel relief after she’d talked to Steve. But the only feeling she had was a deep sense of loss.
Chapter 30
“Your sisters are coming here?” Amiee was beside herself. “To our house? This Sunday? This isn’t a joke, is it? Because it would be the worst joke ever.”
“Yes, they’re coming this Sunday,” Cassie repeated. If her daughter was thrilled, it paled in comparison to the exhilaration Cassie felt after hearing from Karen. This was exactly what she needed after the difficult decision she’d made with Steve.
“Karen is driving from Spokane and Nichole is coming from Portland.”
“It will be the first time you’ve all been together since before I was even born,” Amiee cried, leaping up and down like a five-year-old. She clapped her hands several times, seeming much younger than she was.
Cassie laughed.
“What are we going to do … I mean, other than visit and talk?” Amiee asked, all of a sudden looking worried. “Should we cook, or should we all go out to dinner?” Her daughter continued to chatter, speaking so fast her words nearly ran together. “Can we afford to take them out to dinner? And is Nichole bringing her baby, because I’d be happy to play with him while you visit, though I’d like to listen in with the adults. That would be all right, wouldn’t it, because if it isn’t I wouldn’t be mad or anything, just disappointed.” She stopped and gasped for breath.
Cassie had to smile again, her own excitement spilling over. Her daughter’s face was bright with joy. “Which question do you want me to answer first?” she asked.
“I don’t know. I’m just so happy for you, Mom.” Her daughter impulsively reached out and hugged Cassie.
Cassie had just walked into the apartment. Her purse strap was crisscrossed over her torso, and she had on the sweatshirt she’d worn at the construction site. After several hours working, she was badly in need of a shower and a place to put up her feet.
“Here, sit down,” Amiee insisted, as if reading her mind. “And start at the beginning and tell me absolutely everything.” She scooted her textbook aside and cleared a space for Cassie on the sofa. Then, sitting on the edge of the coffee table, Amiee waited impatiently for Cassie to start.
“I got the call just before noon that they’re definitely coming,” Cassie explained. “I was with a client and almost didn’t answer, but I’d just finished putting the perm solution on Mrs. Ruotolo’s hair and had about twenty minutes to wait so I took the call.”
“Was it Karen or Nichole?” Amiee leaned in.
“Karen. She wanted to make sure we were available on Sunday and I—”
“What did you tell her?” Amiee interrupted.
“That we had no other plans and that we’d set aside the entire day for them.”
“When did you find out that Nichole was coming, too?” Amiee pressed her hands bet
ween her knees as if to keep them from flying about with gestures of joy.
“Karen mentioned that Nichole and she had timed it so they would arrive together. Nichole is taking the train from Portland and Karen is picking her and Owen up at the depot in downtown Seattle, and then the three of them will come to the apartment.”
Right away Amiee looked around and sighed. “We should clean, don’t you think?”
“Probably a good idea.” Their apartment wasn’t dirty, really. A load of clothes that needed to be folded sat in a wicker basket on the chair at the kitchen table. Amiee’s schoolbooks were tossed about the coffee table and sofa, but that was really all. The real issue was the old, outdated furniture and mismatched pieces that Cassie had managed to scrounge up at Goodwill. When she’d arrived in Seattle, Cassie and Amiee had possessed next to nothing. They considered themselves fortunate to have what they did.
“Maybe we should meet them somewhere else,” Amiee said, thinking the same thing Cassie was.
“It’ll be fine,” Cassie assured her. “Once they see our apartment they’ll understand why we’re so grateful to have my parents’ things.”
“I’ll say.” Amiee released the words on the tail end of a sigh. “I can hardly wait until we move into our new house. It’s going to be so great.”
“It will be.” In her mind, Cassie already had the furniture neatly arranged in every room. She had the perfect place in the living room for the piano, and her father’s old desk would go in the largest of the three bedrooms. The kitchen table was the very one where the family had eaten dinner nearly every night.
“I’ll teach you to play if you like,” Cassie said absently.
“Play what?” Amiee asked.
Caught in her musings, Cassie smiled and rested her head against the back of the sofa. “The piano. I’m a bit rusty. It’s been several years since I last played, but it’s something one never really forgets. I haven’t told you that my old piano was one of the things Steve and I collected.”
“Really?” Amiee said. “I can learn to play the piano?”
“If you want. But like I said, it’s been a few years.” Nearly thirteen years … that was hard to believe. In her entire marriage, Cassie had played the piano only once. It’d been in a tavern—Duke had been drinking and making a lot of noise with his friends. Because she was sober and feeling out of place, she’d been drawn to the piano. She sat down at the keyboard, loving the feel of the cool keys beneath her fingers, and experienced a pang of homesickness so strong she’d stifled the urge to cry. Before she could stop herself, she’d started playing. Without realizing it, she soon had the attention of the entire tavern.
Once Duke realized she was the one at the piano, he’d dragged her outside and said she was showing off. He vowed if he ever caught her at the piano again he’d break all her fingers. She didn’t doubt him, either. From that moment on, whenever she saw a piano Cassie forced herself to look the other way.
Any time he felt she did something he didn’t know how to do himself, then she needed to be put in her place.
“Mom?” Amiee said, and placed her hand on Cassie’s knee. “Are you feeling sick? You went quiet all of a sudden.”
“Sorry, honey. I was just thinking.”
“Did it have something to do with Dad?”
Her daughter seemed to be able to see straight through her. “Yeah. How’d you know?”
Amiee tilted her head to one side. “You get this sad look when you think about him. I know you got a letter from him. Did that scare you?”
“No. We are completely safe, honey. You don’t need to worry.” Amiee reached for her hand, folding her own fingers over Cassie’s.
“Does he know where we’re living?”
That had always been a primary concern, wherever they lived. “Nope.”
“Good,” Amiee said, nodding once.
Cassie had held on to that letter for a while now without mentioning Duke’s request to her daughter. “It pains me to tell you this, Amiee, but your father is in prison.”
Amiee shrugged as if that meant nothing to her. “It’s where he belongs.”
Cassie couldn’t disagree on that point.
“What did he want?” Amiee asked. “Money?” She laughed then and added, “As if we had any.”
“Among other things, he wanted money, but mostly …” She hesitated, unsure whether now was the time to tell her. She’d intended to wait awhile. But maybe it was time. “He wanted to stay in touch with you. He wanted to write to you. I wasn’t sure I should even let you know, but you’ve grown up a great deal in the last five years and I decided that if you wanted to be in touch with your father, I wouldn’t stand in the way. The decision is yours.”
This was a big risk. Every little girl wants her father, and Cassie had protected Amiee by not telling her everything, so she didn’t really know the worst of it. But her daughter was no dummy; she knew how Cassie felt about him, and she trusted her mother.
“Can I think about this and tell you what I decide later?” Amiee asked.
“Of course. There’s no rush; you do what feels right to you.” Cassie understood that she could be prying the lid open to Pandora’s box, but that was a risk she was willing to take.
They talked the rest of the night away, mainly about Cassie’s two sisters and their impending visit. It was bound to be an eventful weekend. Amiee asked to be in charge of cooking on Sunday and decided she would serve a light lunch. Salads, maybe. While her daughter mulled over the menu choices and pored through cookbooks, Cassie took a long, hot shower and got ready for bed.
Tired as she was, Cassie couldn’t sleep. Different subjects popped up and down in her brain, demanding attention. She so badly wanted to reconnect with Karen and Nichole. There was a lot that needed to be settled among them. Unspoken hurts. Lost years. Disappointments and enough pain to pass around for second helpings.
It wasn’t only Karen and Nichole that were on her mind, either. As always, Steve lingered in her thoughts. Their last meeting played over in her mind again and again. True to his word, he’d stayed away all week. Cassie hadn’t heard from him since their talk on Monday—not that she expected she would. If nothing else, Steve had his pride.
Everything she had told him was true: She wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. And yet her world felt empty without him.
Chapter 31
Cassie was nervous waiting for her sisters to arrive. They were due at the apartment around two on Sunday. The minute Cassie and Amiee had gotten home from church, they cleaned and scrubbed every inch of the shabby place. It helped work off some of the anxiety and kept Cassie’s mind occupied.
When they’d finished cleaning, Cassie stepped back and viewed the living area with fresh eyes. “This would make even my mother proud,” she proclaimed. Sandra Judson had been a meticulous housekeeper. If cleanliness was next to godliness, then her mother was strumming a harp at that very moment.
“Grandma said there was a place for everything and everything should be in its place, right?” Amiee said, quoting the grandmother she had never met. Little wonder, seeing that Cassie had mouthed those very words often enough herself.
They sat now, impatiently awaiting Karen and Nichole’s arrival. Cassie rubbed her palms together and glanced at her watch for the second time in as many minutes. “They should be here soon,” she told Amiee.
“Mom?” Amiee said, lowering her voice and darting a look toward Cassie. “I’ve sort of missed seeing Steve.”
Her daughter wasn’t the only one. “Yeah, me, too.”
“It’s been over a week now. He hasn’t called or anything, has he?”
“No, but I was the one who said I’d contact him when I was ready.”
Amiee sighed, her shoulders moving expressively. “I’m sorry I kicked him.”
Cassie tried to hide a smile.
“But he deserved it,” her daughter added. “I was thinking that maybe I should text him and tell him I’m sorry. Do you think I
should?”
Cassie was touched. She wrapped her arm around her daughter’s shoulders and kissed her cheek. “Nice thought, but I think it’s best to leave matters as they are for now.”
“But don’t you miss him?”
Oh yes, she missed him, more than Cassie thought possible. It might be better to tell a lie, but her daughter knew her too well. There was no point in trying. “I do. Big-time.”
The sound of a car door closing came from a distance. Right away Amiee was on her feet, racing toward the front door. “They’re here!” she cried, throwing open the screen and hurrying outside even before Cassie was off the couch.
“Are you my aunt Karen?” Amiee asked. “And my aunt Nichole? I know all about you. Aunt Karen stole my mother’s curling iron and hid it so Mom had to go to school with her hair looking freaky, and Aunt Nichole, you used to wear pigtails. My mom put my hair in pigtails, too, and said I looked just like you!”
Cassie stood in the doorway and smiled even while tears gathered in her eyes. Her heart swelled with emotion and love, watching her daughter greet her two aunts.
“Hello, Amiee,” Karen said, hugging her niece.
“Can I babysit Owen?” Amiee asked Nichole. “Mom said it was up to you, but I’m good with babies. I’m signed up for a class at the Y and will get a certificate and everything. I like babies. I want my mom to have a baby, but she put everything on hold with Steve, so it’s probably a lost cause.”
Cassie reached out and hugged Nichole, who held a sleeping Owen in her arms. Tears streamed down her cheeks and she found it difficult to speak. “You’re all grown up,” she said, laughing to hide her emotion. Releasing her younger sister, she wiped the moisture from her face with the flat of her hand. “And look at my handsome nephew!”
Karen was crying, too. “I knew this would happen,” she whispered, and covered her words with a weak laugh.
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