Year of the Monsoon

by Caren J. Werlinger

Linus did make the funeral beautiful. He wore colorful, joyful vestments. Mariela had made new decorations for the paint can – spring flowers strung together in a chain draped around the can. Linus talked about family.

  “All of us are born to some family, somewhere,” he began. “Sometimes we get to stay with them, sometimes we don’t. I was one of the ones who didn’t get to stay with my family. I was raised by foster parents.”

  Most of the children looked at one another in surprise and sat up to listen more attentively.

  “You knew?” Leisa whispered to Maddie. Maddie smiled.

  “I was actually raised by lots of foster parents,” Father Linus continued. “I made things tough for them. I was angry. I didn’t want them to like me. They weren’t my family. But what I didn’t understand then, was that we all have the chance to make another family – the family we choose. I thought if I loved new people, became part of a new family, it would mean I didn’t love my original family anymore. But it doesn’t work that way. God made us so we can love more and more people, and it never takes away from the love we had for the people who came before. It never gets used up.”

  Linus had all the kids’ attention now.

  “No matter what kind of family you come from, sometimes people have to go away. Maybe it’s their job, like the army. Maybe they went to prison. Maybe they died, like Mariela’s mama. When that happens, the thing to do is remember the good things about them, remember the things you loved, and let your other family – your new family – help you through it. And some day, even if we have to wait until we get to heaven, we will see them again. And since tomorrow is Easter, this is a perfect time to remember that God is greater even than death, that this world is not the end for us.”

  After the service, a small group drove to the cemetery. Mariela rode in the back seat of Bruce’s car with Leisa, the paint can held securely on her lap. When they got there, Bruce opened the trunk as Maddie, Lyn and Linus pulled up beside them.

  Bruce pulled two large wreaths of flowers out of the trunk.

  “What are those for?” Mariela asked.

  Bruce squatted down so that he was at eye-level with Mariela. “People often bring flowers for the graves of people they loved, on holidays or birthdays. We thought you might like to have a wreath for your mother’s ashes, especially since tomorrow is Easter.”

  Mariela thought about this. “Why do you have two?”

  Bruce glanced up at Leisa. “We thought you might like to lay a wreath on your parents’ graves, also.”

  Startled, Leisa accepted the second wreath. “Thank you.”

  Maddie and Lyn led the way to a mausoleum in the center of the cemetery. There, a small vault awaited Florida Gonzalez’ ashes. Leisa didn’t find out until long after that Maddie and Lyn had paid for the vault themselves. A man affiliated with the cemetery was waiting for them. He let Mariela place the paint can in the small opening. Linus sprinkled the can with holy water and said a prayer, and then the man sealed the vault with a bronze door engraved with Florida’s name. The wreath was hung on a small hook on the door, so that Florida’s name was encircled by flowers.

  Mariela beamed and turned to Leisa. “It’s your turn.”

  She shyly took Jo Ann’s hand as the group began wending its way through the headstones toward Rose and Daniel’s graves. Leisa became aware of movement off to her right. When she glanced over, she saw a man who looked familiar pausing to look at a headstone. Puzzled, she tried to place him. Suddenly, it came to her. Pedro Alarcon. She turned to say something to Maddie as they walked around a massive grave marker for a family named Boone, but what she saw then drove Alarcon from her mind. She stopped so abruptly that Mariela bumped into her.

  Nan was just laying a large bouquet of flowers against Rose’s side of the shared headstone.

  Leisa whirled and glared at Maddie and Jo Ann. Jo held up her free hand and said, “We had nothing to do with this.” Maddie nodded in agreement.

  Nan spotted them and waited uncertainly as Leisa approached.

  “What are you doing here?” Leisa asked in puzzlement.

  Nan looked back toward the brightly colored flowers leaning against the polished granite. “Your mom was always so good to me,” Nan explained. “She was more a mother to me than my own. I just –”

  “You’ve been here before?” Leisa interrupted, spying a dried, wilted bouquet in Nan’s hand.

  Nan shrugged. “A few times.”

  Leisa stood there, bewildered. She herself hadn’t been here since the funeral. As the silence stretched awkwardly, Jo Ann said, “Mariela, this is our good friend, Nan.”

  Nan tore her gaze from Leisa and turned toward Jo, then blinked down at Mariela.

  “Hello,” Mariela said softly.

  “Hello,” Nan returned.

  Maddie introduced Nan to Linus who shook her hand. They gathered around. Linus sprinkled the grave with holy water and said a blessing over Rose and Daniel’s graves. Leisa realized she was still holding the wreath. She stepped forward and laid it propped against the middle of the headstone. When she remained kneeling there, Mariela came nearer and put her small hand on Leisa’s shoulder.

  “Don’t be sad,” she said. “Remember what Father Linus said? We’ll see them again.”

  As Leisa patted Mariela’s hand and got to her feet, she heard Jo Ann say, “Nan, we’re all going back to our house for dinner. Won’t you join us?”

  “Are you sure this wasn’t pre-arranged?” Leisa hissed at Maddie as they walked back to the cars.

  “Completely accidental,” Maddie swore.

  Maybe, but Jo wasn’t going to waste the opportunity. She made sure that Nan was seated next to Leisa at dinner, with Mariela on Leisa’s other side.

  “Mariela?” Jo prompted once everyone was at the table. “Would you like to say grace?”

  Mariela looked up at Leisa who smiled and nodded encouragingly. Everyone clasped hands as Mariela prayed, “Dear God, thank you for this good food. Thank you for my mama’s beautiful funeral. Thank you for my new family. Amen.”

  Leisa was so acutely focused on the touch of Nan’s hand in hers that she didn’t really hear Mariela’s words at first. When she glanced around the table, she saw everyone covertly dabbing at their eyes and clearing their throats. Slowly, she relinquished Nan’s hand to accept the ham platter being passed her way.

  “Did I see you talking to Mariela?” Lyn asked Nan later that evening back at their house.

  “For a while,” Nan admitted. “She seems like a sweet little girl, but who is she? I mean, why all the fuss at the cemetery?”

  Maddie explained about Mariela’s past, and asked, “Didn’t Leisa ever talk to you about her?”

  “I think she tried to,” Nan recalled as she began to put the pieces together. “But she never got the chance.” She saw Maddie and Lyn glance at one another. “What?”

  “Um,” Maddie began hesitantly, “from some of the things Leisa has said, I think she has thought about possibly trying to adopt Mariela.”

  Nan stared at both of them for several seconds. “Oh.”

  “She knows now is not the right time,” Maddie hastened to add, “but… I think you should know she’s been thinking about it.”

  “Speaking of which, kind of,” Lyn interjected when Nan continued to gaze mutely at them, “have you written to Todd?”

  “We weren’t speaking of that,” Nan said testily.

  “Yes, well, that’s kind of the point. We never really do speak of that, do we?” Lyn pointed out with gentle sarcasm.

  Chapter 14

  LEISA WOKE IN A sweat. Lying in the dark, she continued to feel the throbbing between her legs. That dream had felt so real. What had begun as Nan making love to her had morphed into Sarah humping her madly while Nan looked on with unspeakable hurt in her eyes. Leisa threw her arms over her face, expelling a frustrated breath. When it became clear that she was not going to be able to go back to sleep, she kicked the covers off angrily and stomped into the
bathroom. Bronwyn opened one eye just enough to give her a reproachful look. The clock said four-thirty. The gym opened at five.

  After hurriedly washing her face and brushing her teeth, she pulled on workout clothes and a baseball cap.

  “Don’t see her again,” Lyn had said.

  The day after the kiss, Leisa had gone over to Lyn and Maddie’s after work, knowing that Maddie had a late meeting. She found Lyn in the studio. To her relief, Lyn was done painting for the day and was at the sink washing her brushes. “Do you have a minute?” she asked tentatively.

  “Sure,” Lyn said, her hair tied into a loose bunch at the nape of her neck. “What’s up?”

  Leisa cracked her knuckles nervously. “There was a woman – before Nan – my lover in college,” she stammered. “It ended badly.” She began pacing. “She got married. I moved on. But… I ran into her. She works at the gym I joined.”

  Lyn stood very still, running her fingers back and forth over the bristles of the brush in her hand.

  “She’s divorced now. We had dinner together last night.” Leisa stopped pacing and turned to face Lyn. “I haven’t told Nan.”

  Lyn’s eyes narrowed a bit as she regarded Leisa. “What else happened last night?”

  Leisa’s cheeks burned a splotchy red. “We kissed.”

  Lyn leaned against the sink, crossing her arms. “Why are you telling me this? Are you asking for absolution? Because if you are, you came to the wrong place,” she said coolly.

  Leisa’s face went from red to a chalky white. She looked as if she might pass out. Lyn’s expression softened as she guided Leisa to the daybed.

  “Are you still in love with –?”

  “Sarah.”

  “Sarah. Are you still in love with her?” Lyn asked.

  Leisa shook her head. “No. I guess part of me has always wondered, you know, what if?”

  Lyn scraped flecks of paint off her fingernails as she considered. “Look, I can understand never getting over an old lover. Especially your first lover. I can understand falling out of love with someone you’ve been with for years. It happens.” She looked up at Leisa. “I don’t understand cheating on someone who still loves you. If that’s what you’re contemplating, I can’t be part of that. I won’t do that to Nan.”

  “I wouldn’t, either,” Leisa said hastily. “I won’t.”

  “Then why are you kissing Sarah?”

  Leisa averted her gaze, unable to respond.

  “Don’t see her again.”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  “It is if you want it to be,” Lyn insisted firmly.

  “It is if you want it to be,” Leisa repeated to herself as she drove in the darkness to the gym. She had contemplated simply quitting and joining another gym elsewhere, but she felt as if the specter of Sarah’s presence would continue to haunt her if she just ran away. When Sarah had trapped her against the car – “when I let her trap me,” Leisa reminded herself – she had suddenly felt powerless. It was like being back in college all over again, back when she tortured herself, wondering and waiting to see if Sarah would come back to her. And the longer she went without telling Nan about Sarah, the more it felt as if she were cheating – “or at least thinking about it,” said a sly voice in her head.

  Angrily, she pounded her fist on the steering wheel, which only succeeded in making her hand hurt.

  “When did this happen?” she wanted to scream. “When did I become the one who needs to ask forgiveness, who needs to earn Nan’s trust again?” She sat in the gym’s parking lot, and pressed her forehead against the steering wheel. Nan. The feel of Nan’s hand holding hers last Saturday when they were all at Jo Ann and Bruce’s for dinner, the look in Nan’s eyes when she was talking with Mariela and glanced up to see Leisa watching them. Nan was what she wanted, but she couldn’t remember… couldn’t remember how to tell her that; couldn’t remember what it used to be like to spontaneously throw her arms around Nan and tell her how much she loved her, or what it felt like to be held safe in Nan’s loving arms.

  But that wasn’t all she couldn’t remember anymore. She couldn’t remember her mother’s scent unless she went into her bedroom and sniffed her perfume bottle. She couldn’t remember the sound of her father’s voice telling her the story about the baby store – she could remember the words, but not his voice… She was losing memories when memories were all she had left.

  She put the car in gear and squealed out of the parking lot. Back at the house, she began packing a suitcase and got on the Internet to print out driving directions to Ithaca.

  Nan hurried along the cobbled street near Fell’s Point. The April sun was surprisingly warm as it reflected off the cobbled and brick surfaces. She was supposed to meet Lyn and Maddie for dinner at Jimmy’s and then go to the gallery for a new exhibit. She’d been held up by a couple of telephone calls she had to return before the weekend, and now was running late. She got to the restaurant and saw them already seated at a table.

  “Hi,” she said as she dropped into an empty chair.

  “Long week?” Maddie asked.

  Nan released a pent-up breath. “Interminable. How was yours?”

  “Not too bad. No catastrophes. That’s always cause for celebration,” Maddie replied, raising her iced tea in a toast.

  Nan turned to Lyn. “How about you?”

  “I’ve had a great week. Got a few new pieces on exhibit at the gallery, but Pat Moran’s work is being showcased this month.”

  Their server came to take their orders. After she left, Nan said, “I don’t suppose Leisa is coming tonight?”

  Maddie shook her head. “I don’t think Leisa’s in town. She called me early this morning and asked for the day off. Said she was going to New York for the weekend.”

  Nan frowned. “You’re kidding.”

  “No, why?”

  “The only reason I can think of for her to go to New York is to meet her biological mother,” Nan explained.

  “What?” Lyn and Maddie asked in unison.

  Nan relayed what Leisa had told her about the registration process. “The last we spoke about it, she hadn’t heard back from anyone and hadn’t told Jo Ann and Bruce yet.”

  Lyn leaned forward and rested her chin on her hand. “What is going on with you two? Are you talking? Is there any sign of getting back together? I mean, it’s been what… four, five weeks?”

  Nan wound her straw wrapper around her finger as she said, “I don’t know. It’s weird. It’s not like our time together is angry or hurtful. Easter weekend was the best it’s been for a long time. The way she looked at me a couple of times… but she hasn’t said anything about coming home, and I haven’t wanted to push.”

  Maddie leaned forward, too. “Why haven’t you wanted to push? This whole thing has been strangely civil.”

  Nan brushed back the strand of hair tickling her cheek. “I know. I’m… I’m just afraid that I’ve got to be ready to give her an ultimatum if I decide to push, and I’m not there yet.” She glanced back up at both of them. “What do I do if I force her to make a decision and she says no?”

  “Are you ready to just be friends with her and let the relationship go?” Lyn asked.

  “No! Absolutely not,” Nan said emphatically. She sat back, her hands gripping the table. “Has she said that’s what she wants?”

  “Not at all,” Lyn replied, laying a reassuring hand on her arm. “That was just me wondering, that’s all.”

  Their food arrived and they ate quickly to get to the gallery on time. As always, there was a nice turnout of patrons and several of the artist-members of the gallery co-op. As Nan wandered through the exhibit looking at the various pieces, she rounded a corner and nearly ran into a woman coming from the opposite direction.

  “Nan!” said the woman as Nan mumbled an apology without really looking at her.

  Nan glanced up and said, “Shelly. Hi. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was you.”

  “Oh my God!” said Shelly with
a tinkling laugh. “How long has it been?”

  “Um, I’m not sure,” Nan said, biting her tongue to keep from adding, “but not long enough.”

  Shelly batted her eyelashes at Nan and ran a hand up and down her arm. “I’ve missed you.”

  “Too bad you didn’t miss me while you were cheating on me,” but Nan didn’t say that, either. “Um…”

  If Shelly noticed that Nan hadn’t returned the sentiment, she ignored it. “How are you?” she asked.

  “Fine,” Nan said guardedly, pulling away.

  “I was so sorry to hear about you and Leisa,” Shelly said. Her voice and facial expression were sympathetic, but the glint of curiosity in her eyes suggested otherwise.

  “You know, it’s the weirdest thing,” Nan said in puzzlement the second time she had run into an old girlfriend after she and Leisa had moved in together. “Women who left me high and dry suddenly seem all interested now that I’m with you.”

  “Of course they are,” Leisa said with a smug expression. “They know what they were stupid enough to let go of, and now they know I have it.”

  “It?” Nan asked, eyebrows arched.

  “Well,” Leisa grinned coyly, wrapping her arms around Nan’s neck. “You know what I mean. That magic you have – in your lips… and your tongue… and your hands,” she added, punctuating each named body part with a kiss.

  Nan laughed. “If it’s magic, it’s only magic since it found you.”

  “I was so sorry to hear about you and Leisa.”

  Nan frowned a little. “Where did you hear that?”

  Shelly covered her mouth with her hand. “Oh, my God, I’m sorry. I thought you knew word was out. You know how fast it travels. And then, the thing with Leisa and her trainer –”

  Even Shelly had the grace to look genuinely distraught at having let that slip. “I’ve got to go. Bye,” she said hurriedly as she continued on her way.

  Nan found an empty bench along one wall and sat heavily. Lyn saw her and hurried over.

  “Are you all right?” Lyn asked. “Was that Shelly?”