Lost In Me (Here and Now)

by Ryan, Lexi

  When Asher leaves the stage, Nate stays behind, strumming chords to a song I don’t recognize. He lifts his gaze. For five painful beats of my heart, our eyes lock. There’s so much in his eyes. Pain, anger, frustration. I see it all there before he refocuses on his fingers and starts to croon the lonely lyrics of his song.

  I’m nobody’s hero, baby. Try not to fall too deep.

  I’m nobody’s angel, love, but you were crying in your sleep.

  I’m useless, empty, nothing, sugar. Wait around and then you’ll see.

  You thought you’d find your answers, but now you’re lost in me.

  The words tap into me, loosening something in my chest until I feel like anyone looking at me can see my confusion and the inexplicable aching of my heart.

  And when he lifts his head and watches me as he sings the last verse of his song, I don’t move. I don’t hide from those eyes that know too much. I don’t run from that face that could destroy my whole world. I stand transfixed, the words rolling through my veins like they’re part of my blood.

  After he strums the final chords, he puts down his guitar and leaves the stage without explanation or promise to return.

  My feet are following him before I’ve decided what to do. He heads up the stairs and out back, through the French doors and onto the patio, where he keeps going until he hits the path in front of the river.

  He’s trying to escape me. I should be happy, right? The past can stay in the past, and whatever mistake I made with this rocker can be left behind with it. But I can’t let him walk away without answers.

  “Stop!” I rush down to the river, my heels sinking into the rain-softened earth. “Who are you?”

  He turns slowly, the confusion back on his face. “Is that supposed to be funny? Pretending there was nothing between us wasn’t enough? You need to pretend you don’t even know who I am?”

  “I—” Oh my God. The hurt in his eyes. “I don’t know who you are,” I say carefully. “But maybe I should? I was injured and I have amnesia, so I honestly don’t know you.” And if that doesn’t sound like a line from a Lifetime movie, I’m not sure what does.

  “Amnesia? You’re kidding me.”

  “I’m not.” He starts toward me, and I hold out a hand to stop him. “I’d prefer you to stay over there. Please.”

  He pulls back, watching me. “Amnesia,” he repeats.

  “Yeah.”

  “You don’t know who I am.” It’s not a question—more a realization.

  “I don’t know who you are or why you would crawl into my bed in the middle of the night. I don’t understand why—” My breath catches and fat, hot tears spill onto my cheeks. Suddenly this is just all too much. “I don’t understand,” I repeat, and leave it at that.

  “You don’t remember anything? Do you know who you are?”

  “Yeah. I remember everything up until about a year ago, but the last eleven months are just…gone.”

  He drags a hand through his hair, and I’m struck again by how gorgeous he is. Dark messy hair, dark intense eyes. His T-shirt clings to his sculpted arms. Tattoos peek out from the sleeves. No matter how hard I look, I can’t remember being with him. So why do I have this feeling in my chest like my heart knows something I don’t?

  “Do I know you?” I ask.

  He lets out a huff and stares at the starlit sky. “Yeah. You do.” When he drops his gaze back to meet mine, his eyes are moist with unshed tears. “I’m the idiot who’s in love with you.”

  In love with me? “But I’m engaged.”

  “I saw that,” he whispers, his gaze flicking back to my hand. “Can I ask? Did that happen before or after the amnesia?”

  “Before.”

  “Fuck.” The word isn’t screamed or thrown like a stone. He breathes it—exhaling the sound like so much disappointment.

  To me, Nate’s a stranger, but to him, I’m…what?

  We just stare at each other, him looking heartbroken and angry, me trying to piece it all together in my head and make some sense of this. I’m engaged to Max Hallowell. I’m not the kind of girl who would get engaged to one guy when she’s been sleeping with another.

  Am I?

  We stand here, the passing seconds measured by the chirp of a lonely tree frog. I scan my mind for anything. A memory, a piece of information, useless trivia—I search for anything at all I can take from my brain to make sense of this illogical ache in my heart.

  Finally, he shoves his hands in his pockets and looks out over the water. “I’ve gotta get out of here, Han.”

  Han. He knows me. I can feel it. I know him. My heart does, if not my injured brain. “Please, tell me what happened. What did I do?” I whisper. “I don’t understand.”

  He shrugs. “What’s there to understand? You’re wearing his ring.”

  Then he walks away, and I’m alone and confused. And I think I have a broken heart, but I don’t know if it’s breaking for me or for him. And I don’t know who did the breaking.

  WHEN I return to the party, I immediately spot Nate sitting in a chair beside Asher, his guitar in his big hands, his dark hair falling over one eye as he jots notes on a piece of paper. Something twists in my chest at the sight of him. I want to tell myself it’s regret or fear—anything but the longing I know it to be.

  Maggie and Lizzy motion me over from the bar, but I shake my head and stay by the stairs. As if he senses me, Nate lifts his head and his eyes immediately lock with mine.

  I might not understand the tangle of emotions in my chest, but there’s no mistaking the anger that flashes over his face when he sees me, and because I’m a coward, I can’t face it.

  I run back upstairs.

  “Where’s she going?” I hear Maggie ask.

  “She wasn’t feeling great,” Lizzy says. “I’ll check on her.”

  I’m in the hallway when I feel her behind me, her hand on my shoulder.

  “What’s wrong?”

  Everything. “Nothing. The doctor said the headaches and dizziness might give me a problem for a few days. A party probably wasn’t the best idea.”

  Her expression is more worried than disappointed. “Let me take you home.”

  “No. It’s a beautiful night, and I’d actually like the fresh air. And I think I’m going to swing by the club and see Max.”

  “Okay,” she whispers. “Promise you’ll call me if I can help?”

  I take in a long, slow breath. “Go back down there and have a good time.”

  “Oh, right.” Her eyes light up. “I have a rocker to seduce.”

  My stomach lurches, but I force a smile. “Right.”

  I watch her go back down before I turn back to the basket of cell phones by the stairs. After shuffling through it, I pull out the few phones I don’t recognize as belonging to me or one of my sisters.

  I hit the buttons to bring them to life and swipe all three screens to unlock them. One screen, no doubt Asher’s, has a picture of Maggie and Zoe as the wallpaper, one has a young woman I don’t recognize, and the other has Storm Troopers.

  There’s no question in my mind that the Storm Trooper phone belongs to the man with the Hulk tattoo and the Spider-Man shirt. The idea of this hard-ass rocker being a closet geek is so adorable. I soften toward him without wanting to.

  Before I can think it through, I’m swiping my fingers across the screen and pulling up Nate’s text messages. It doesn’t take long for me to find a thread with my name.

  The last one I sent was the day of my accident.

  Hanna: Left you a message. We need to talk when you get into town.

  What did I want to talk to him about? Was I going to tell him I was marrying Max? I scroll back through some harmless if flirty Good morning and Good to hear your voice tonight texts before I land on a conversation so damning it makes my hands shake.

  The hallway is empty, but I can’t risk anyone else seeing these. I take the phone out onto the back patio, sink into a chair, and scroll back to the beginning of the incrimin
ating conversation. I don’t take a single breath while I read it.

  Nate: Did you remember to take your gift home with you?

  Hanna: I did. God knows what airport security thought of it when they searched my bag.

  Nate: I’m sure they’ve seen worse. Glad you have it with you.

  Hanna: It’s a sorry substitute for you.

  Nate: I’ll make it up to you when I get to Indiana. I’m coming straight to your place and keeping you in bed for days.

  Hanna: Hmm. That sounds kind of boring.

  Nate: Get naked, woman. I want to tell you how to use my gift.

  Hanna: Bossy.

  Nate: Only because it makes you wet.

  Hanna: Naked.

  Nate: In bed?

  Hanna: I’ve been in bed since you first texted. I have a 6 a.m. running date tomorrow.

  Nate: You should cancel it. I don’t want you running off those curves.

  Hanna: You’re the only one who likes my so-called “curves.”

  Nate: Who else matters?

  Hanna: Good point. I miss your face.

  Nate: I miss yours too. You know what else I miss?

  Hanna: Tell me.

  Nate: The sound you make when I touch your breasts. The feel of your nipples against my tongue. I miss sliding my hand between your legs and finding you wet. I miss the taste of you. The feel of your heels against my back as I take your clit between my lips. But mostly, I miss holding you in my arms. So fucking perfect. So completely mine.

  I don’t know what I expected. Maybe it was supposed to be like in the movies, where the amnesia patient sees something from her past and suddenly everything comes flooding back to her. But there’s no memory here, and my half of this conversation might as well have been written by another woman.

  When I lift my head, Nate is standing in front of me, hands tucked in his pockets, his eyes bored.

  “See anything good?” he asks.

  My heart is pounding and my breath is shallow and shaky. My cheeks burn and it has nothing to do with regret or guilt or embarrassment. The things he wrote. The things he said. There’s a heavy tightness between my legs. My mind may still be confused, but my body? My body wants Nate as much as it ever wanted Max.

  Oh God, Max. I cheated on Max. “Why would I risk everything?”

  His jaw hardens and he shrugs. “You’d have to ask your fiancé.”

  “You know why I can’t do that.” I push my chair back, and the scraping of metal against concrete rends the air. I lift my chin. “I want to understand. I need you to talk to me.”

  He tenses at my demand. “No, I don’t.”

  “You don’t understand what this is like. Not remembering? I’m planning a wedding to this man I’ve wanted most of my life. Don’t I owe it to him—don’t I owe it to myself—to have the truth out there before we promise until death do us part?”

  Even in the moonlight, I can see the pain in his eyes.

  “I just need answers.” I lift my chin and move toward the back wall of the house, toward him. Immediately, I regret the decision because his lips curve into a wicked smile and he closes what distance is left between us. “I need the truth,” I whisper weakly.

  “The truth? Is that what you really want, angel?” His deep voice dances over my skin like a caress. A little tender. A lot wicked.

  I can’t reply. I’m too busy holding my breath. Too deep of an inhale might brush my breasts against his chest, and I’m afraid to touch him. Afraid of what it might make me feel.

  As if he can read my mind, he takes another step closer, and when I step to the side to turn away, I’m against the wall and his body is against mine, his hot breath at my ear.

  “Do you want to know what it was like between us?” he whispers.

  “Yes.”

  I realize my mistake when a groan rumbles from his chest. “Should I start with how wet you were every time I touched you? Or maybe how you begged me that first night?”

  “I didn’t.”

  “Have you been telling yourself some wicked rocker seduced you? That I tricked you into my bed? Sorry. You asked for the truth. You begged. Right there outside the club, you begged me until I ripped your panties off and you were too busy biting my neck to talk anymore. Is that what you’re hoping to remember? How you wanted me so badly you let me finger you out in the open, against that building where anyone could have seen?”

  My breathing is uneven, my cheeks hot. When I press into his chest to put some distance between us, my traitorous hands curl into his shirt instead.

  He makes a low growling sound at the back of his throat. His teeth nip at my earlobe. Lightning cracks in the sky behind him. “You might have forgotten me, but you still like dirty talk, don’t you? And maybe if I made you come now, you’d still scream my name. Because you always screamed my name, Hanna. Never his.”

  I gasp. “You are horrible.”

  “What are you really upset about? That you wanted me? Or that even as you stand here wearing his ring, you’re secretly hoping I’ll tell you about it. Secretly wishing you could remember all the details.”

  “I don’t,” I bite out, the words edged with the sob I’m holding back. I shove him, and he steps away, but not because I’m strong enough to move him. I know better. But he steps back. He gives me that.

  My legs are weak and I have to steady myself against the wall. I betrayed Max. Emotion riots in my chest, too much to contain. The worst is true. But the ache of arousal between my legs—that’s the worst betrayal of all.

  “Tell me why I did it,” I say. “I need to understand.”

  He shoves his hands into his pockets and looks out toward the fenced area behind the patio, where Asher’s hot tub gurgles as it spills into the pool. “I made you a promise,” he says, his words measured. “I promised that when you made your decision, I would respect it. That if you took his ring, I wouldn’t try to change your mind.”

  Seconds ago, I wanted his knowing eyes anywhere but mine, but now I wish he would look at me. I need to see the eyes of the man I feel this inexplicable connection to. The man I was considering leaving my fiancé for.

  “I always knew you deserved better than me.” His voice is a deep rumble that tries to hide behind the distant thunder. “I hope he’s worthy of you. I sure as fuck wasn’t.”

  Finally, he turns to me and takes my hands into his. His mouth is inches from mine, and his gaze rests on my lips. I wait for his kiss—wonder if I want it. Time snags on my indecision. Trips. Stutters. Slows to a crawl.

  Lifting one finger at a time, he removes his cell phone from my grasp then steps away. He disappears into the darkness, his silence a promise I can’t remember him making and the ache in my chest a regret I don’t understand.

  I walk around the side of the house, and drizzle fills the air and hits my hot cheeks. When it grows heavier, changing to rain, I don’t run for shelter. Pausing, I look up into the dark, moonless night and let the rain shower my fears.

  I’m soaking wet by the time I get to the gym, and when I push through the double doors, Max is squatting in front of a leggy blonde, his hand curled around her thigh. It’s nearly nine p.m., and they’re the only two here.

  “Take it deeper,” he says, his voice rough. “Yeah…just like that. Now really squeeze. Now go again.”

  The girl adjusts the weights on her shoulders and drops into a low lunge. “That hurts,” she whines.

  “Again,” Max says. He turns his head toward the door—and me—and his face lights up. “Ten more on that side,” he tells the girl. Then he’s coming over to me.

  “Sorry I’m early.”

  He doesn’t look upset about it, and I can only hope he’s not. After talking to Nate, I’m desperate to see Max again, to reassure myself that I haven’t lost him. Whatever I’ve done, if he wants me, if he loves me, we can get through this. Can’t we?

  “No apology necessary.” He runs his gaze over me and his nostrils flare. He laces a finger through one of the belt loops on my
jean skirt and tugs me close. “Even hotter in person,” he murmurs against my ear. “Did you walk through the rain just to make me crazy with wanting you?”

  I bite my lip. I didn’t give thought to anything other than getting away from the party.

  “What now?” the girl whines.

  He nips at my earlobe—the same earlobe Nate Crane just bit—and shame rushes through me in a tremor. Max misunderstands my tremble and whispers, “Soon,” before pulling away and turning back to his client. “Other side.”

  The girl whimpers. Actually whimpers. “At this rate, I’m not going to be able to walk out of here.”

  “You said you wanted to be sore tomorrow.” He cuts his eyes to me and winks before returning his attention to the girl. “I aim to please.”

  The girl flashes him a disappointed look, and I have to bite back my laughter. I’m sure she said that, and I’m sure she had a very different scenario in mind. I wonder if this is the first time a guy has ever turned her down.

  “This is my fiancée,” Max says, wrapping an arm around my waist. “She’s just here to use the steam room.”

  “I am?”

  “The cleaning crew just left, so it should be good as new.” He drops his head until his mouth hovers right over my ear and whispers, “I’ll meet you in there after I lock up.”

  Meet me? My heart kicks up a notch, as if I’m the one doing the lunges. “Oh…”

  “Come on,” he tells the blonde. “You can go deeper than that.”

  I slip past them and to the door that reads Ladies' Locker Room. Max’s gym is nice. Clean and shining, well maintained. I don’t remember working out here before, but Lizzy told me I’d become quite the gym rat in the last eleven months.