Lost In Me (Here and Now)

by Ryan, Lexi

  Lizzy squeaks, and I elbow her under the table. “Calm down,” I say between my teeth.

  “Thanks for dinner, Mom.” She pushes her plate away and looks at me pointedly. “Hanna, were you going to come back to the bakery with me tonight? To work on the calla lilies for Saturday’s wedding cake?”

  “Sure.” I’m halfway through the three dozen gum-paste lilies I need to decorate Saturday’s monstrosity of a cake order.

  “I’ll see you later,” Maggie calls.

  As we head out the front door, I can hear Mom talking. “You could learn a thing or two from Hanna, Maggie. Instead of giving it up to Max the first chance she got, she’s waiting until marriage. Maybe if you weren’t living with Asher, you’d be wearing his ring by now. You know what they say about the cow and the milk.”

  I turn to Lizzy, wide-eyed, and she throws a hand over her mouth. I open the door just as Maggie says, “Mom, if you think sex is like milk, you’re doing it wrong.”

  Lizzy and I are laughing by the time we climb into Lizzy’s car, and I have to lean my head back against the seat and catch my breath.

  “Here’s the plan,” Lizzy says when we’re on the road and headed to the bakery. “We’re going over there when Nate comes back into town. You’ll corner him. Get some answers.”

  The smile falls from my face. “What if I don’t want the answers?” I whisper. “I mean, I do. Of course I do. But I’m scared, Liz.”

  She pulls into a spot in front of the building and puts the car in park before reaching over to squeeze my hand. “You could just wait and see if your memories come back.”

  “They’re starting to. I remember more every day, but it’s all stuff from fall semester and the beginning of my relationship with Max. None of my memories are answering my questions yet.”

  We go inside the bakery and head to the back, working together to pull out supplies for Saturday’s calla lily explosion.

  “Today, Max told me something.” I run my fingers along the prepared flowers, searching for imperfections. “He didn’t propose right before my accident like everyone assumed.”

  Lizzy frowns. “Then where’d the ring come from?”

  “He proposed before that. A long time before that. And I told him I wasn’t ready.”

  She covers her lips with her fingers and studies me. “You’ve always wanted Max.”

  “I know.”

  “When did he propose?”

  “Three months ago.” I drop the flower I was inspecting and walk to the back door and push it open. I can’t breathe. I need fresh air. “I didn’t give him an answer and held on to the ring all this time.”

  “Three months ago?” She arches a brow. “As in, after you met a sexy rocker?”

  “That’s what I’m afraid of,” I say.

  “I think we’re still missing something,” she says.

  “What do you mean?”

  “That night you came home from the hospital and Nate climbed in bed with you in the middle of the night… Did you lock the door?”

  “I did. I’m sure of it.”

  “So you gave him a key.” She nods. “That says something about your relationship, I think.”

  “Why would I give him a key?” Panic starts that slow-clawing climb in my chest. “Didn’t you say he’d never been to town?”

  She shrugs. “Maybe you knew he’d be coming.”

  “And I gave him a key when Max already has one? Really? I mean, I was obviously being reckless, but that seems a little over the top.”

  “So you think he broke in?”

  “I don’t know,” I whisper. “But I know I locked the door.”

  “What if he had a key for a different reason?” Liz asks.

  “I’m not following.”

  “What if he has a key to your apartment because he owns the building? What if Nate is your silent partner?”

  “Fuck,” I whisper.

  “Think about the timeline. You go to Asher’s concert and meet Nate either shortly before or shortly after Max proposes, and within a couple of weeks, someone’s buying this vacant building downtown and setting it up to be your bakery and apartment. Maybe you screwed around with Nate because you were feeling insecure and then he offered you your dream on a platter right before Max proposed.”

  “Why would Nate buy a bakery for a woman he just met? And if I was committed to Max, why would I let him?”

  “Girl, your life has gotten better than my daytime soaps. Days of Our Lives cannot compete with this shit.”

  “Maybe I wasn’t choosing Nate over Max. Maybe I was choosing my business over Max. I mean, what if Nate does own it and he was going to sell it or something if I married Max?”

  “That would be pretty dickish.”

  “Yes, but he’s a spoiled rock star. Of course he’d be a dick about getting his way, right?”

  She frowns. “That’s one big insult to his personality wrapped up in a clichéd assumption.”

  “Even if there were no strings attached to our agreement, that’s gotta be awkward, right? What if Max marries me and finds out I’m in business with the guy I was once cheating on him with?” I gasp and throw my hand over my mouth. “Liz, Max and I are planning on living upstairs after we get married!”

  “Shit,” she breathes. “You need to find out if Nate’s the silent partner.”

  I nod. “And I need to find out before the wedding.”

  “IT’S SO screwed up,” Drew says. “The whole town hates her and thinks she’s this total slut, but nobody really cares that it takes two, you know?” She scoops the cookies off the tray and slides them onto a cooling rack. “Can you imagine if we made all the cheating men walk around with a red A on their chests? No one would be ashamed. They’d just wear it all proud. Probably be embarrassed if they didn’t have one. I swear. I hate the world sometimes.”

  I bite back my laughter. Drew’s junior honors English class is American Literature, and she has to finish The Scarlet Letter before school starts on Monday. Just yesterday, she was groaning about having to read “this stupid old book,” and now she’s so into it she can hardly stop talking about it.

  “I’ve made my last latte,” Lizzy says, pushing into the kitchen. “I’m tapping out. Drew. You’re up.”

  Drew groans but otherwise doesn’t protest before going to man the front of the store.

  “Thank God,” Liz says when Drew’s safely on the other side of the kitchen door. “I had to get her away from you before you started getting a complex and embroidering an A on all your clothes.”

  I wrinkle my nose. “I didn’t even think of that, but thanks. Thanks a lot.”

  “So did you make an appointment with the lawyer to find out about the silent partner?”

  I nod. “I’m going in next week.”

  “Good. Want me to go with you?”

  I bite my lip and nod. “Is that pathetic?”

  She rolls her eyes. “No. I’m, like, your assistant manager or some shit. What affects your business affects me.”

  “Thank you so much. The lawyer’s in Indianapolis, and I’m not supposed to be driving.”

  “And you’re a scaredy cat.”

  “True fact.” I grab a hot pad and swat her with it before opening the oven.

  The chocolate chip scones smell so delicious my mouth literally waters as I pull them out of the oven. I’ve been trying to be good about my eating. I haven’t even been home from the hospital a week, and I’ve already gained weight. Dr. Perkins doesn’t want me getting on the scale, but I don’t need a scale when it’s getting harder to button my jeans.

  “Do it,” Lizzy says behind me. She grabs one off the tray and breaks a corner off to pop it in her mouth. Her eyes float closed and she moans. “Jesus Christ, Hanna. I don’t need a man. I just need your baked goods. All of your baked goods.” She grabs my forearm and squeezes. “Promise me you’ll never cut me off.”

  I giggle and break a piece off her scone. The butter and flour practically melt on my tongue. “G
od, I’m good.”

  “Are you sure you want to be eating that?” someone asks at the door.

  Lizzy and I turn to find my mother walking into my kitchen with her old critical eyes on my baked goods. I’m not used to my mom looking at me with approval. She’s terrified of fat, extra weight, and clothing sizes in the double digits. My inability to keep my weight down was always a point of anxiety for her. And I always felt like a failure. Until I woke up in the hospital with my new body. Then all that disappointment was gone from her eyes.

  It’s back now as she eyes the half-eaten scone in Lizzy’s hand.

  “She’s sure,” Lizzy says. “It’s delicious, and she hasn’t stopped working all day to eat lunch.”

  I think about it and realize she’s right. I had some plain oatmeal for breakfast around five, but I haven’t had anything since. No wonder I’m famished.

  Mom lifts a brown paper bag and beams. “That’s why I brought you a healthy lunch.”

  I have to bite back a groan. My old self hated the crap she used to feed me. Leafy greens without dressing, carrots, and way more chicken breast than any reasonable human would want to consume. Hell, the boob-loving men of the world should probably thank her. It was probably all those hormone-filled chicken breasts that gave me boobs by age thirteen.

  “What did you bring?” Liz asks. “Some weeds and sticks for her to nibble on?”

  “Elizabeth,” Mom scolds. “We can’t all have your metabolism. And that’s going to catch up with you someday.”

  Lizzy glares defiantly and takes another big bite of her scone.

  “Stop trying to make me out to be the bad guy here,” Mom objects. “I’m just helping Hanna with something she decided was important to her months ago.”

  My size has always been important to me. Because she taught me to believe it was. But three months ago it must have become so important that I took measures I’d never stooped to before. Last night I found diet pills in the back of my cabinet. Add those to the starvation and unhealthy amounts of exercise. And so much of it cloaked in secrecy that it sickens me to think about it.

  But Mom doesn’t know about Dr. Perkins. She doesn’t know I was making myself sick.

  There’s no reason to make her worry, though, so I paste on a smile and say, “What’s for lunch?”

  Mom smiles approvingly. “Chopped grilled chicken, greens, and a tiny sliver of avocado in a low-carb, whole-grain wrap.” She hands the bag over, and I dig out her homemade lunch. “Eat, and then we have an appointment at Cleanstein’s.”

  I pause with the wrap halfway to my mouth. “At the wedding dress shop?”

  “Of course. You’re getting married in five weeks. We’re going to have to buy off the rack as is. We need to start shopping last week.”

  I try to swallow around the tightness in my throat. Is no one going to ask if I want to be planning my wedding? If I want to rush my engagement?

  Mom sniffs, and I realize there are tears in her eyes. “After Maggie’s canceled wedding and Krystal’s disaster of a ceremony, you can imagine how excited I am about yours.” She squeezes my hand. “There’s just something so special about Max.”

  “Speak of the devil,” Liz mutters as Max pushes through the door into the kitchen.

  My heart stumbles in my chest at the sight of him. He’s got a light stubble going on today, and he’s still disheveled from his run.

  “Oh, hello, Max!” my mom croons. God, she loves him so much.

  “How are New Hope’s three most beautiful women?” he asks with a wink.

  “We’re peachy,” Liz says. “How’s New Hope’s biggest suck-up?”

  Max draws me into a hug and presses a kiss to my forehead. “Does your sister hate me?” he asks loud enough for her to hear.

  “No. She’s just cranky that Mom didn’t bring her lunch.”

  Lizzy snorts at the same moment my mom says, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Liz! I won’t forget you next time!”

  “How are you?” I ask Max. We’ve barely seen each other the last few days. He almost always trains late at the club, and I get horrible headaches if I don’t get enough rest, so I’ve been going to bed early. I haven’t found the courage to ask him to sleep with me—in the literal or figurative sense of the phrase.

  “I’m good,” he says. “What are you up to this afternoon? Can I steal you away for a while? I miss my girl.” He ducks his head and steals a bite of my wrap, and because there’s something very twisted and wrong with me, I actually find the movement of his jaw as he chews sexy as all hell. Then again, it’s Max, and everything he does is sexy.

  “No horning in on our plans this afternoon,” Mom says. “We are going wedding dress shopping.”

  Max’s eyes light up and he looks at me like I’ve just given him some amazing gift. “Yeah?”

  I’m gonna burn in hell for hurting this sweet, sweet man. “Yeah,” I say, though I hadn’t even decided until that moment that I was going to let my mom talk me into it.

  Max grins. “Well, I guess I can sacrifice an afternoon with you if that’s the reason behind it.”

  “There are plenty of plans you can join us for,” Mom assures him. “I have appointments with three caterers lined up for next week.”

  “Wow, Mom,” Liz says. “Whose wedding is this anyway?”

  “This is really happening, isn’t it?” Max asks, and there’s so much joy in his eyes that I’m reminded of the day at the gallery when he told me about my initial lack of response to his proposal. “I was beginning to think you didn’t want a future with me.”

  He’s had enough limbo, hasn’t he? Can I really ask for him to endure more? And if Max is the man I want and he wants me, what’s the harm in getting married quickly?

  “Oh, Max, you sweet thing,” Mom says, “of course this is happening.”

  “That is the one,” Mom declares an hour into dress shopping.

  I would have hated every minute of this at my old size. Putting on these dresses and modeling them for my critical mother—it would have pretty much been my own personal hell.

  But at this size, it’s not so bad. The attendant brings in dress after dress, seemingly unconcerned about my own personal taste and style, and my mom dotes on me in every one. Even in the dresses she doesn’t like, she squeaks when I walk out of the dressing room.

  And the way she’s looking at me in this one makes the little girl in me—the one desperate for her approval—so gleefully happy. I know this will be the dress we buy, regardless of how I feel about the style.

  “Take your hair down,” Mom says. She comes up behind me and releases my barrette to let my heavy, dark hair fall past my shoulders. “Get her a veil,” she calls to the attendant.

  The attendant rushes over with a veil in the same super-soft fabric featured on the dress and slides it into my hair.

  “It’s perfect, isn’t it, sweetheart?”

  When she turns me to face the big three-panel mirror, I can’t reply. I look like…a bride.

  “It’s perfect,” Mom says for me. “We’re getting this one. No question.”

  It’s not something I would have picked. It’s fitted all the way down through the hips and is covered with twinkling rhinestones. It’s one of those dresses I would love for someone else, but it’s not really for me. I always pictured myself getting married in something softer. Simpler.

  “We’re in a tight timeline,” Mom says. “What kind of discount can you give me if we buy off the rack?”

  The attendant and Mom haggle over price as I stare at my reflection. It’s just a dress. It doesn’t really matter if it’s my dream dress. All that matters is the guy. All that matters is Max.

  February—Six Months Before Accident

  “Would you get out from in front of that mirror?” Lizzy calls from the front room of our rental. “You look freaking gorgeous, and Max is going to think so too.”

  I blink at my reflection, as if moistening my eyes could make me see what Lizzy sees, but it’s still me standin
g here. Me. Chubby. Plain. Trying too hard.

  I chose black pants and a black scoop-neck sweater for tonight. No frills to distract from the two features of my outfit I do feel confident about: my cleavage and my sexy red heels.

  I grab the curling iron and add a couple of fresh ringlets to hair. Max likes my hair. I said something about cutting it off last week, and he looked horrified. “You have great hair. Why would you cut something so beautiful?”

  The ringing of the doorbell pulls me away from the mirror, and by the time I reach the front room, Max is already here, a bunch of red roses in his hands.

  Lizzy shakes her head. “I fucking hate this holiday.”

  “I told you Sam wanted to take you out tonight,” Max tells her.

  Liz snorts. “Sam wanted to fuck me tonight. Pardon me for holding out for something more romantic than a low-budget porno on Valentine’s Day.”

  Max laughs. “He would have given you all the romance you could handle.”

  “He asked if I was open to a threesome,” Lizzy growls.

  I bite back a smile. The relationship between Liz and Sam is a bit of a love-hate situation, and he likes to razz her by asking her for sexual favors.

  “You know he really likes you,” Max says. “He’s just doesn’t think you’d take him seriously.”

  Liz shakes her head and turns to me with a mischievous smile. “I’m out of here. You two have a nice night.”

  Then she leaves, and Max and I are left alone for the Valentine’s Day dinner I cooked for him. I liked the idea of being here and drinking too much wine. Maybe then I could get over myself enough to let him touch me. The high-school-caliber groping we have going on is nice, but I know Max is ready for more.

  I take the flowers into the kitchen, where I’ve already set the small table for our dinner.

  “It smells amazing in here,” he says. “What are we having?”

  “Filet mignon with green beans and a fresh French baguette and then chocolate lava cake for dessert.” I fill a vase with water and arrange the roses in it before setting it on the table. When I turn around, Max is right there, his face inches from mine.