Cold Bastard

by India Kells

  Nice words for a man coming from the underworld, much like Archer. “And you’re a poet too.”

  “What I want you to know, is whatever the pain, the anger, the hurt, it dissipates, and then you see clearly again.”

  “You’re saying that you want me to wait for Archer to see the light?”

  Hector shook his head. “Hell no. Live, take care of your brother. You’ve proven yourself to him. Now he needs to stop seeing the treachery and instead see the sacrifice.”

  Zoe was far from convinced. “I’ll focus on the first part of your advice if you don’t mind.”

  Hector shrugged and offered his hand. “A pleasure to have helped you, Zoe. Try to stay out of trouble.”

  Taking his hand, she nodded. “That’s exactly my plan.”

  He held on to her hand a little longer than what was polite. “And if you need anything. And I mean anything, ask Gabrielle for my number.”

  The meaning wasn’t lost on her, but she wasn’t about to get tangled up with him, when Archer was still deep inside her heart, and might be for a long time to come.

  Chapter 32

  Marlborough, Massachusetts, 8 months later

  March weather was getting weirder and weirder. After a monster snowstorm at the beginning of the month, now the sun was out, almost feeling like spring. Zoe was glad for it if it meant the sidewalks and streets would finally be clear. The cold didn’t bother her as much as the ice and snow.

  On the other hand, Lucas, who had known little snow throughout his childhood, still enjoyed the white stuff. And seeing him so happy and carefree made her relocation that much easier. They both lived downtown in a small rental house, but so far it suited them. The town had plenty of New England charm, and people were very friendly. And because she had relocated quickly, and it was where Lucas had lived in previous years, it was logical that they should stay there at least until the end of the school year. Or maybe a little longer.

  Zoe worked at a small translation firm, two streets down. The work was boring as hell but returning to the State Department was out of the question. Her initial plan had been to do exactly that until that fateful meeting with her supervisor. Well, at least she had the satisfaction of leaving with a bang. The memory made her smile as she remembered being summoned to Mark’s office, as she had requested another deployment, until June. After then, she would have had the time to talk with Lucas about what he wanted to do. Her initial plan was to make him move to D.C. although she knew Lucas was happy where he was.

  Mark had made her sit down, bringing a folder with him. When she returned, Zoe was requested to fill out a shitload of papers, forms, pass a medical as well as go through a psychological exam. The last one had been the hardest. Not that she wasn’t stable enough, but everything that had happened was still so fresh in her memory. The nightmares had receded quickly, but the heartache each time her mind reached for Archer never went away. And she knew it never would. That was love. It wasn’t something that could be undone. Shock had stuck with her from the moment Hector left her Chicago apartment, but through her quick shower, packing her bag and having a cab drive her to the airport, her head was up, her eyes dry. Even when she boarded the plane and went directly to Boston, she almost felt like her old self.

  Seeing Lucas could have made her crack, but it didn’t. Zoe laughed, and cried a little when she embraced her little brother but going overboard was out of the question as Lucas wouldn’t have understood her outburst. It was much later that night, when she left Lucas at his boarding school, promising to return in the morning to talk about her intentions, finally sliding between the cool sheets of the bed in her hotel room that shivers started deep inside her belly. The feeling that she would never warm again. Unable to stop it, and knowing that even a scalding shower wouldn’t work, she huddled into a tight ball under the cover and rode the wave of fear, pain, regret and lost love. Sobs made it difficult to breathe, making her head spin as she gripped the sheets, almost tearing them in two.

  And it had been that way until the meeting. When Mark announced that she was denied permission to apply for any mission until further notice. At that moment, everything contained in her, every mixed-up emotion poured out of her. She had to go on that next mission. It was the only way she would survive any of this; the possibility of forgetting Archer if she jumped back into her previous life.

  Mark had been as cool as a cucumber even as she was screaming at him, he rounded the desk, and closed his door. Back in his chair, he waited for her fire to die down and some sense of calm to return. He made her sit again, and now empty, Zoe obeyed. Her shaky legs wouldn’t have supported her much longer anyway. Very calmly, very solemn, he pushed a piece of paper before her. Her medical report. And what she read on it marked the turning point of her life. She was pregnant.

  It was strange as when she finally understood the words, all the following decisions became incredibly easy. It took two more tests and another doctor to convince her, but then, the path was a straight line. Archer’s baby. Those two words brought unexpected joy and fresh pain when she thought about them. Not a single second she thought about anything else but keeping it. Within two days, her resignation was on Mark’s desk, her small D.C. apartment packed and sublet, and her car on its way to Lucas. Luck had been on her side, as she’d only stayed a week at the hotel as she searched for a place to stay, both for her and her brother. The small house a couple of blocks from the main street was ideal, and Lucas was ecstatic to leave the dorm to have his own room with her. And her finding that contract job saved on fuel costs. That piece of the puzzle fell perfectly into place.

  It took Zoe some time to announce her pregnancy to Lucas. Everything went so fast and keeping some sense of normalcy for him was paramount. But as morning sickness kicked in, she couldn’t delay that talk any longer. Another surprise was how well he took the news. Zoe had feared he would feel sidelined, but instead, he kind of started playing the protective brother, and she even found books about babies stashed in his room. He was an amazing kid, and Zoe felt blessed.

  However, when he asked questions about the father, Zoe didn’t know what to say. Staying evasive, she told him about meeting someone, but it didn’t work out. When Lucas asked her if she was going to tell the father, sadness took her by surprise. Lucas immediately noticed the tears and didn’t broach the subject again. She suspected that Lucas thought the father was a bad guy, which Archer wasn’t. After she had sent the company phone, Archer had tried several times to contact her personal line. It was only after she’d requested Beatrice’s help on the matter and changed her phone number that she knew he’d finally abandoned any tries to reach her. What was the point of talking about it after all? Archer was either in Chicago or had returned to London. In the weeks after they had finally settled in their new home, Zoe researched Archer on the web. It was like a compulsion. She needed to know he was alright. And she had to see his face.

  The first and only time she did it, it was late at night and it was like reliving the last moments with him in Chicago all over again. One by one, she read articles telling about a shootout in a strip club, the El Diablo. They talked about gang wars, but she didn’t recognize any of the names. Gabrielle had been right when she’d said things would be kept under wraps. Archer’s name appeared instead in the business section. The sale of the gas and oil chunk of Blackwood Corporation had been completed and announced officially with the traditional handshake between Udi Al-Aamri and him. Lots of articles speculated on the details and amounts. Many talked about the official launch of Blackwood Energies, and the opening of their offices in Chicago. It seemed that he had kept his offices in the Loop after all, and even expanded by adding two floors. It was booming, but Zoe wasn’t surprised. Archer had a knack for ventures, why wouldn’t he succeed in this one too? More and more articles popped up, but Zoe stopped reading, her eyes on his face. He looked exactly the same as she had seen him in the photo from Beatrice. Cold, distant, sexy as hell. Her personal puzzle. One she had dec
iphered before breaking it into pieces again. At that moment, she had put her hand on the barely visible bump. A sign of protection and comfort.

  She never researched him again. The pain of the memories was hard enough to bear as it was. Instead, she fell into this simple life with Lucas. Now her belly made her look more like a whale, but she didn’t care. Days away from giving birth, she just hung on. In preparation, she had finished many frozen meals for both her and Lucas. Most of the laundry was done and Lucas had promised to keep the house decent. That’s all she could ask, as demanding him to keep his own bedroom clean was an impossible task.

  Her back was killing her, in fact her entire body felt sore and tired most of the time, and the baby did non-stop tap dancing on her bladder, which didn’t help her sleep.

  One look at the clock told her that Lucas would soon be out of school. Deeming the kitchen clean enough for her, Zoe threw the dishcloth in the sink before grabbing a bowl of ice cream. In the last month, she couldn’t live without the cold treat. It was Lucas who started to worry that she wasn’t eating healthy enough and started controlling how many tubs were permitted inside the house. Irritated at first, Zoe found his concern almost endearing, and decided to let him lead. Well, and hide a couple of extra tubs deep in the freezer.

  She was trying to decide between lying down for a nap or watching TV after licking the bowl clean when someone knocked at the door. Zoe frowned as she wasn’t expecting anybody. Between work, Lucas, her pregnancy and settling into her new life, making friends hadn’t been high on her list. Although it may have been one of her neighbors. Watching her waddling around, they often knocked at her door, offering to shovel her sidewalk or take care of the trash, to Lucas’ utter delight.

  Taking a quick glimpse through the window, her heart stopped. Lazarus King was behind the door. Since her return, she hadn’t told anybody about her condition, not even Beatrice. Of course, she’d had a lengthy conversation with her and Gabrielle about everything that had happened, well not everything but at least the crucial parts, but since then, apart from short emails, nothing.

  There was no way she could let him in. Nobody back in Chicago or at Purgatory knew about the baby. And again, she couldn’t hide the fact that she was home. Pulling at her t-shirt and sweatpants, barely covering her belly and tightening her ponytail, she cracked the door open, careful to hide most of her body behind the door.

  “Lazarus.”

  The man who was so similar to Archer smiled at her, his teeth so white against his dark beard, and with friendly silver eyes Zoe remembered so well. “Zoe! I’m so happy to have found you.” His British accent was another arrow to her heart.

  “Found me? Don’t tell me you couldn’t wrangle that information from Beatrice. I told her my address the moment I rented the house.”

  “Well, it would be a lie to say that I had no trouble finding your location, if it’s what you are referring to. Can we talk?”

  “Sure.” But she didn’t move, which made Lazarus frown.

  “May we talk inside?”

  Zoe shook her head. “Nope.”

  The lost look on his face was almost adorable, as he was faced with a very unexpected and intricate situation.

  He frowned. “You have someone in the house? Are you in danger, threatened?”

  Zoe had to laugh at that. The protective gene in Finch’s bastards was strong. “No, all is fine. I think I can go without danger for the rest of my life if you don’t mind.”

  His eyes twinkled. “I doubt you will be content being a suburbanite for the rest of your life.”

  Her right hand touched her belly and felt the baby kick. Archer’s offspring had the blood of a unique man and one crazy woman. There’s no way her life would be dull. Ever.

  “Come on. Let me in. It’s freezing. You’re freezing. Can’t you offer me a nice cup of tea for old time's sake?”

  He was Archer’s brother, the king of stubborn. And it’s not like shutting the door on his face would make him go away. Plus, her back was killing her, and her ice cream was melting, a capital offense.

  “You can come in, but I have one condition.”

  “Name it.”

  “What you see inside, you can never repeat to anyone.”

  His curiosity was piqued, but he solemnly crossed his heart. “You have my word.”

  Zoe moved to open the door, letting him in.

  Lazarus filled the room, taking it all in, looking around as she closed the door.

  “You have a very nice ho... Whoa!” The word cut when his eyes fell on her midsection. Surprise didn’t even begin to describe his expression. “You...”

  “Gained weight? Look fat? Am so beautiful, your eyes hurt?”

  “Pregnant. Damn it!”

  “Oh, that?” Rubbing her extended stomach and waddling past him, she let herself fall on a sofa with a groan. “I think I caught this bug in Chicago. Nasty water there.”

  Without looking away from the bewildered and bearded man, she grabbed her ice cream bowl and balanced it on top of her bulging stomach. After a couple of spoonsful in silence, with Lazarus’ eyes fixed on her, Zoe sighed. “Are we going to have the talk about birds and bees or are you going to sit?”

  Seemingly getting hold of himself, Lazarus came to sit on a chair before her, searching for words.

  “I would offer you tea, but I fear you’ll have to do it yourself. Once I’m seated, I need a crane to get back up again. Feel free if you want one.”

  Lazarus nodded, but instead asked. “If you want one, I’ll make a pot.”

  Shaking her head, Zoe licked the spoon. “Nope. I have a miniature bladder nowadays, so I’ll pass. But thanks. I’m pretty sure you didn’t come all the way here to make me some tea. What can I do for you, Lazarus?”

  “Call me Oz, please. And you’re right. Something pushed me to come and see you. Talk to you. I owe you an apology.”

  “An apology for what exactly?”

  The man looked truthfully contrite as he leaned forward and clasped his hands on his knees. “After all that happened, I feel that not only did I put you in a bad situation, but I left you alone to cope on your own. I didn’t provide the protection I promised Beatrice for you. Not only did you fear for your life, but you had to deceive and lie to us in order to survive. I feel responsible. For both of you.”

  At first, Zoe thought he was talking about the baby, but she soon realized he was referring to Archer. Putting the bowl aside, Zoe sighed. “We were both adults, Oz. Your intentions were good, still are. I can’t say that I didn’t owe a lot to Beatrice, and I was glad I could repay her by helping you. But the rest, I’m fully responsible for my actions. I may be crazy, but I’m not stupid. Each time I made a decision, I truly believed it was for the best.”

  “And what about not telling Archer that you are with child?”

  The old expression made her roll her eyes. “We’re in a modern society. Women can have children as single mothers without being ostracized.”

  “And you still think it’s the best decision? To hide this from him.”

  Sadness flooded through her. “I lied and deceived him. In many ways. I often think about what I could have done differently, and I don’t see any other path. I can’t judge the way I acted by the way I am right now. Archer hates me. I understand why, and I won’t force him into a situation he doesn’t want.”

  “Who on earth told you he hated you?”

  Eyes flooding, she fought against the surge of loneliness invading her. “He told Lance after I had drugged him and bound him on the chair. He said that he wouldn’t be able to forgive me for that. It’s self-explanatory.”

  Lazarus got to his feet and started pacing, hands on his head. “And that’s why you asked Beatrice and me to block him. What a mess! Nothing of that would have happened if I had found a way to kill the son of a bitch in the first place! Fucking Finch! Everything he touches turns into shit and rust.”

  Caressing her belly, Zoe didn’t quite agree. After the surpris
e and the panic, this little miracle inside her had pushed away the darkness of losing Archer. And even if she would have preferred the ideal image of the perfect family in her mind, with Lucas and the baby, she would have another type of perfection. And would cherish it with all her heart.

  Lazarus crouched beside her and took her hand, carefully avoiding touching her belly as if it was on the verge of recreating a scene from Alien. “Zoe, Archer never hated you. He’s miserable since you disappeared. He searched for you, even threatened Beatrice with Hell’s fury, but she told him you didn’t want to see him. I’ve never seen someone crushed like that. I had to force him back to work, and the fight with the FBI became the only reason for him to get out of bed in the morning. He was on the verge of selling the entire company because you wouldn’t have him. He fought to regain control of Blackwood Corp with everything he had and was able to prove the evidence had been planted. With the help of some very creative hackers from Beatrice’s team.”

  Zoe found it harder and harder not to be swayed by the hormones playing against her. “Look at me! If he ever saw me like this, he would immediately see his late wife and the unborn daughter he lost. I didn’t intend to get pregnant, it only happened. I’m the 0.01% failure rate of the contraceptive pill. I can’t compete with a ghost, Oz.”

  Lazarus seemed to consider her words. “I never knew his wife, but I’ve seen pictures and read reports. You’re nothing like her. Not physically, not by your personality. You are you, and Archer fell for who you are. Remember that.”

  Zoe was feeling drained, her fighting spirit dimming by the minute. “Oz. Why did you come here? I’m tired of this. At the end of my rope, really.”

  “I’m here on a diplomatic mission.”

  Lost, Zoe was about to tell him to get lost with his riddles when someone knocked on the door. Lucas was on his way home by now, but unless he ran all the way, there was no way it was him. Most importantly, unless he’d lost his key again, which he would pay for this time.