Reckless Heart (Kauffman Amish Bakery 5.5)

by Amy Clipston

  He stared at her for a moment, his scowl unmoving. “No, it’s not fair to any of us.” He then lifted his Bible and went back to reading without looking up again.

  Lydia rushed up the stairs with frustration and anger surging through her. She stomped into her room and flopped onto her bed just as her tears began to flow. She sobbed into her pillow and then rolled over onto her back and stared up at the plain white ceiling above her.

  She wished more than ever that her mother was home and life was back to normal. Her father’s behavior didn’t make any sense. Why couldn’t she go out and be with her friends for one night? Was he determined to ruin her life? Didn’t he want her to grow up?

  After several minutes, Lydia stood, crossed the room, and opened the shade. Staring out at Joshua’s house, she wondered if he was on his way to the gathering. Would he see the girl from Gordonville? Would he even notice that Lydia wasn’t there? What would he think of her absence?

  Sinking into the chair by her desk, Lydia closed her eyes and wiped her remaining tears. Her thoughts turned to her mother. How would her mother react to this situation?

  She changed into her nightgown and crawled into bed. Taking a deep, cleansing breath, she rolled onto her side and prayed for patience and understanding when dealing with her father’s confusing and erratic behavior. Although her father’s behavior was difficult to bear, Lydia knew she had to respect him.

  The prayers and questions echoed through her mind, keeping her awake most of the night.

  “Are you awake, Lydia?”

  Lydia looked up and found her grandmother staring down at her while she sat on a bench outside the bakery the following Tuesday. Her younger cousins ran around and played on the swing set in front of her.

  “You’ve been quiet all morning.” Her grandmother sank down beside her on the bench. “Did you have a rough day at school yesterday?”

  “School was okay. It was a usual Monday.” Lydia cupped her hand to her mouth as a yawn stole her words.

  “You look exhausted, mei liewe,” Mammi said, looping an arm around her shoulders. “Tell me what’s on your mind.”

  Lydia kicked a stone with the toe of her sneaker. “I haven’t been sleeping much these days.”

  Mammi smiled at her. “Are you going to tell me what’s bothering you or will I have to force you to eat Brussels sprouts for lunch to get the information?”

  Lydia couldn’t help but laugh. She’d always despised Brussels sprouts, and her disgusted facial expressions while eating them had become a family joke. “You don’t have to pull out the nasty vegetables, Mammi. I’ll tell you.”

  “Take your time, kind.” Mammi rubbed her arm, and the gesture was comforting to Lydia’s broken spirit.

  “I’m tired,” Lydia began, her voice thick. “I want my life to become normal again. I want my mamm and my baby schweschder home. I want my dat to become reasonable again.”

  “Reasonable?” Mammi looked baffled. “What do you mean?”

  Lydia crossed her arms over her chest in defiance. “My dat won’t let me go to any youth gatherings. I’ve missed all of them during the past month, and I asked him if I could go Sunday night. He said no, and he wouldn’t tell me why. He’s completely unreasonable.”

  Mammi looked surprised. “You questioned him?”

  Lydia lowered her gaze to the green grass. “Ya, I did.”

  “I’m surprised at you,” Mammi said. “You’ve always been a very respectful girl. What’s gotten into you?”

  “I know I was wrong. I’ve never talked back to him or my mamm before.” Lydia shrugged. “I guess I’m frustrated because my life has changed so much. I’m missing out on time with my freinden.” Her thoughts turned to Joshua. “They can all start dating and I’m stuck at home. I could miss my chance at finding a boyfriend.”

  Mammi chuckled. “Lydia, you have plenty of time to find a boyfriend. You can’t rush that. It will happen in God’s time.”

  Lydia sighed. “I know.”

  “Things are tough for you right now, but they are also tough for your parents.” She touched Lydia’s cheek. “Look at me, kind.”

  Lydia met her gaze.

  “You have to start thinking about others and how this is affecting them.”

  “I know,” Lydia said. “Dat told me I’m selfish. But no one is thinking about how this all affects me. I’m always told to think of everyone else, but where does that leave me? I have feelings too.”

  “I don’t want to use a word as harsh as selfish, but there must’ve been a reason why he wanted you home Sunday night.” Mammi glanced toward the playground. “Maybe he didn’t want to be alone. Although your siblings were at home, maybe it gives him comfort when he knows you’re home and he’s keeping you safe. He can’t control what happens at the hospital. He can’t hold your mamm’s hand if she needs comforting. He can, however, keep you, Titus, and Irma safe by knowing you’re home and tucked in your beds.”

  Lydia’s mouth gaped. “I never thought of that, Mammi.”

  “I know you didn’t.” Mammi smiled at her. “You’re a sweet child, and you’re doing a wunderbaar gut job keeping the haus running with your mamm gone. Before you lose your temper with your dat, please take a step back and think about what he’s going through. He’s been used to having your mamm with him and caring for him for close to twenty years. It’s difficult for him too.”

  Lydia bit her bottom lip in an effort to stop the guilt from drowning her. “Okay. I’m sorry.” But she still wondered when her family would think of her feelings. Can’t anyone see that I’m suffering too?

  Mammi hugged her. “You don’t have to be sorry. Just do better next time.”

  “I promise,” Lydia said softly. “I will.”

  “And your freinden won’t abandon you, Lydia,” Mammi said. “They will always be your freinden. You’re missing out on social gatherings now, but you’ll be able to participate when your mamm and Ruthie are home and your life feels normal again.”

  “You think things will be normal for me again?” Lydia felt hope swell within her. “Really?”

  “Of course,” Mammi said. “The Lord will take care of you and the rest of your family. He’s taking gut care of Ruthie and your mamm. I’m certain of it. But remember that it will all happen in his time, not ours. He determines when she’ll come home and when things are back to normal.”

  “I know.” Lydia sighed. “We have to wait for God’s time.” She wished people would stop saying that. Although she knew her grandmother meant well, the words felt empty and meaningless while she watched her world crumble around her.

  Mammi’s eyes seemed to study Lydia’s expression. “You know you’re not alone, ya?”

  Lydia nodded.

  “There’s a psalm that gives me comfort when I feel alone or sad,” Mammi said. “I’d like to share it with you. It goes like this: ‘Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.’”

  The words soaked into Lydia’s mind, and she felt as if a warm blanket had been wrapped around her shoulders.

  Mammi stood. “I need to get back inside. You’ll let me know if you need to talk, ya?”

  Lydia smiled. “I will. Danki, Mammi.”

  15

  Two weeks later, Lydia hurried down the street from the schoolhouse toward her home. Determined to keep her promise to Barbie, she hoped she would not run into Tristan or any members of his family during her two-block trek.

  As she moved past Tristan’s brick farmhouse, she did her best to keep her eyes on the sidewalk ahead of her. Curiosity won out, however, and she turned her head, spotting Tristan in the driveway, leaning against his car with a cell phone pressed to his ear. He turned and saw her, but she quickly looked away, quickening her steps with her heart thumping in her chest.

  She was nearly trotting by the time she reached her driveway. She hurried up to the porch and stepped inside, and the aroma of hamburger casserole engulfed her. She hung her sweater on the peg on
the wall and dropped her tote bag on the floor below it.

  “Wie geht’s!” her aunt Rebecca called as she stepped into the kitchen from the family room. “How was your day, Lydia?”

  “It went well,” Lydia said as she crossed the kitchen. “How was your day?”

  “Gut.” Rebecca moved to the table. “Supper should be ready in a few minutes. I also cleaned the house and did a few loads of laundry.”

  “Danki,” Lydia said. “I appreciate all your help.”

  “Gern gschehne. Why don’t you sit and talk to me?”

  Lydia sank into a chair across from her aunt. “How are the kinner, Lindsay, and Onkel Daniel?”

  “Doing well.” Rebecca pushed the ties to her prayer covering back behind her shoulders and smiled. “Lindsay and the kinner asked about you the other day. You’ll have to bring Titus and Irma by to visit.”

  “That would be nice.” Lydia pointed toward her bag sitting on the floor across the room. “I’m going to start helping Barbie make lesson plans.”

  Rebecca’s face brightened. “Is that so?”

  Lydia forced a smile, hoping to convince her aunt that being a teacher was her choice. “I’m going to learn all I can in case Barbie does leave at the end of the year. I know the school board may choose a teacher from another district, but I can at least learn everything possible before then. And maybe if the school board wants someone else, I can still go to another district to teach.” Lydia said the words with as much excitement as she could muster. She was only going through the motions, however, to try to please her family and Barbie. Her heart wasn’t in the job.

  “That is wunderbaar gut!” Rebecca patted her hands. “I’m so proud of you.”

  “Danki.” Lydia stood. “I’ll fetch Irma and have her help me set the table.”

  “Not yet.” Rebecca shook her head. “Wait. They’re upstairs. I want to tell you something.” A smile turned up her lips.

  Lydia held her breath, anticipating what the news could be.

  “Your mamm called today,” Rebecca began. “And she had some news.”

  “What?” Lydia searched her aunt’s eyes, hoping to find a clue there. “What is it?”

  “She and Ruthie …” Rebecca paused. “They’re coming home tomorrow.”

  Lydia gasped. “They are?”

  Rebecca nodded and sniffed.

  Jumping up, Lydia came around the table and hugged her aunt. “It’s a miracle! They’re coming home.”

  “Ya, it is,” Rebecca said. “But she asked me to keep it a secret.”

  “Oh?” Lydia dropped into the chair beside her. “Why would she do that?”

  “She wants to surprise Titus and Irma.” Rebecca ran her fingers over the table while she spoke. “Your dat is going to head up to the hospital tonight so they can leave as soon as possible tomorrow. They should be home when you get back from working at the bakery. In fact, she said you could leave early and meet Titus and Irma after school.”

  Lydia wiped joyful tears from her cheeks. “That sounds gut. I’ll meet them by the school and walk them home.”

  “Gut.” Rebecca stood. “I’m going to stay tonight and make sure you’re all okay. I’ll head home after you leave for work and the kinner leave for school.”

  “Danki.” Standing, Lydia hugged her aunt again. “I’ll call them down and then set the table.” Walking to the bottom of the stairs, she smiled. Tomorrow her family would be back together, and life would be back to normal. “God is so good,” she whispered.

  The following afternoon, Lydia stood at the end of the path leading to the schoolhouse while waiting for her brother and sister to be dismissed for the day. She couldn’t wipe the smile off her face all day long at the bakery. Her mother and sister were finally coming home! Joy filled her soul at the thought of her family being together again. She couldn’t wait to see Irma and Titus’s reaction when they got home.

  The door to the schoolhouse opened, and the children rushed out as if they’d been cooped up all week. They hollered, screeched, and laughed on their way down the stairs.

  Irma and Titus emerged from near the back of the pack, and they both looked confused when they saw Lydia waiting for them.

  “Hi, Lydia,” Irma said. “Why are you here?”

  “Ya,” Titus chimed in. “Was iss letz?”

  Lydia chuckled, and the children exchanged more confused expressions. “Can’t you two be froh to see me?” she asked as they started down the street. “I’m here to walk you home.”

  Titus stopped, his brown eyes studying Lydia. “Why?” A frown turned down the corners of his mouth. “Did something bad happen to Ruthie?”

  Lydia touched his straw hat. “Why do you always assume the worst?” She took his elbow and gently moved him forward. “Let’s go. There just may be a surprise waiting for you.”

  Irma’s eyes lit up with excitement. “A surprise? Did we get a pony?”

  Lydia laughed again. “No, silly, it’s not a pony.” She placed her hand on her sister’s shoulder. “What did you do today?”

  While Irma prattled on about her schoolwork and conversations with friends, the three of them continued down the road toward their home.

  As they approached Tristan’s house, Lydia thought about her friend, wondering how he and his family were doing. An ache developed in her heart. She missed her English friend and their easy discussions. She wished she could tell him her mother and Ruthie were coming home. She knew their friendship had repercussions, however, and she dreaded having to defend herself to her parents and the rest of the community, especially the school board.

  “I wonder if Tristan and Michaela are home,” Irma said, breaking Lydia from her trance.

  “I don’t know,” Lydia said, increasing the speed of her gait. “We don’t have time to stop now. We need to keep going.”

  “But I miss Tristan and Michaela,” Irma said, slowing her steps. “Can’t we go say hello? Just for a minute?”

  “She said no,” Titus snapped, taking Irma’s arm. “There’s a reason she wants us at home, so we need to go. Now.”

  Lydia looked with surprise at her brother. “Danki, Titus.”

  Frowning, he nodded.

  Irma continued talking about her day while they hurried down the street toward the house. Lydia’s heart fluttered as they made their way up the driveway. She couldn’t wait to hug her mother and Ruthie. But she looked at Irma’s small face and felt guilty for wanting to be the first through the door. Her little sister had cried herself to sleep many nights because she missed their mother.

  When they approached the porch, Lydia slowed down, allowing Irma and Titus to go through the door first. She stayed back, taking her time as she entered after them.

  “Mamm!” Irma shrieked.

  Lydia smiled when she saw Irma wrapping her arms around their mother. Mamm sank into the chair behind her and held onto Irma. She looked at Titus and motioned for him to join them. She pulled him into the hug and closed her eyes.

  Wiping her eyes, Lydia looked up at her father, who stood next to her mammi.

  Dat stepped over to her and put his arm around Lydia’s shoulders. “Danki for keeping it a secret,” he said softly.

  “Gern gschehne,” she said. “Where is Ruthie?”

  He frowned. “She’s sleeping upstairs. She was completely worn out after the trip home. She looks a bit pale.”

  “Do you want me to go check on her?” Lydia offered.

  “Lydia,” Mammi called. “Kumm.”

  Stepping over to her mother, Lydia’s eyes again filled with tears. “Willkumm heemet, Mamm.”

  Mamm opened her arms, inviting Lydia into a hug. “Danki, mei dochder.”

  “Gern gschehne,” Lydia said, holding onto her mother. She closed her eyes, and silently thanked God for bringing her family back together.

  “I made a special welcome home supper,” Mammi said. “I thought you all would like my famous pot roast. Also, more guests are on their way.” She glanced out the wind
ow. “Actually, it looks like they’re here.”

  Lydia looked out the window and saw a line of buggies parking in front of the barn. She recognized her cousins Amanda and Nancy and their families.

  “Everyone is coming to see us?” Titus asked.

  “Aenti Kathryn and Aenti Sadie are here,” Irma said with a grin.

  While pulling dishes out of the cabinets, Mammi directed them to go outside and help their cousins carry in the trays of food.

  Lydia followed her mother into the family room, where she sorted through her luggage, which was strewn about on the sofa. She silently studied her mother, marveling at the dark circles under her tired eyes. She looked much older than she had before she’d gone to the hospital. She also thought she saw a couple of gray strands of hair sticking out from under her prayer covering.

  “Are you okay?” Lydia asked softly.

  Mamm gave her a tired smile and touched her cheek. “Ya. I’m fine. Why do you ask?”

  “You look exhausted,” Lydia said. “Can I do something for you? Would you like me to check on Ruthie? Dat said she’s taking a nap upstairs.”

  Mamm paused, considering the question. “That would be nice. Would you carry up a couple of bags to her room? We have company arriving. I’ll take my luggage to my room.”

  “Of course,” Lydia said.

  Her mother handed her a duffle bag and Lydia climbed the stairs, stepping as quietly as possible. When she reached Ruthie’s room, she sucked in a breath. A mixture of joy and worry surged through her as she pushed the door open and peered in. Her baby sister was curled up in her crib.

  Lydia placed the bag on the floor, careful not to make a sound, and padded across the room to peer in at Ruthie. Her sister looked even more tiny, thin, and pale than she’d remembered, and her beautiful golden curls had fallen out, leaving her with a little pink head.

  Lydia reached into the crib and touched Ruthie’s little hand. Her sister moaned in her sleep and snuggled deeper into the white sheet. Her breathing sounded a little labored, but she slept peacefully.