by Lizzy Ford
The halls are quiet, and the rooms on either side resemble prison cells. Pausing to peer into one, I no longer fight the intense wave of sorrow and pain that washes over me. I let it come, and I let myself remember.
The day Mikael died, and I lost my leg, a total of four special ops soldiers were killed on the mission. Of those that survived, at least two were diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome. One member of our team, Sergeant Orion, had a complete psychotic break. According to the doctors and nurses, he exists in loop, reliving the ambush over and over, unable to break free of the night that destroyed so many lives. Transferred off active duty, he’s been here at the VA hospital since shortly after the ambush.
I study him, heart twisting the way it always does. The formerly robust, strong warrior is drugged and subdued in his bed. They won’t let him have visitors due to his violent outbursts. I stop by every time I come here in the hopes there’s some kind of progress. Spec ops teams are close, like brothers, because it’s the only way we survive out there.
This kind of suffering shouldn’t exist. It’s not right that it does. I hate knowing how much pain he’s in and that I can’t do anything about it.
“Hi, Petr,” says a pretty nurse with blond hair and blue eyes. She approaches from the direction of the nurse’s station at the end of the hall.
“Hey, Jenny.” I offer a smile. “Any change?”
“None.”
I purposely don’t ask what happens if he stays like this for the rest of his life. As one of the surviving, if damaged, members of the team, I can’t bear the thought of there being no hope for one of the men who helped save my life, of Orion remaining in this state until he dies in fifty years. He’s broken now, but he wasn’t the night he and the other remaining members of the team managed to drag out four bodies and save me as well. By all rights, I should’ve died that night. Men like Orion are the reason I didn’t, and now he’s paying a price worse than anything I’ve been through.
I owe him. I will find a way to repay him.
“You said to let you know if we ever heard of something that might help him,” Jenny says, gazing into the room.
I listen, thrilled she remembered the offer I made to help other service members when I left the hospital.
“There’s a psychiatrist in DC developing a new treatment. It’s fully experimental and consists of a therapy and new drug combo approach. It doesn’t stand a chance of getting through the FDA for another five years at least but he’s seeing promising results,” she explains. “I know your family donates to the vet charities. Bet a large check will encourage them to take your friend.”
“Can you send me the info?” I ask and hand her a business card.
“Will do tonight.”
“Thanks, Jenny.” I glance at Orion once more. “If there’s anything else you can think of, let me know.”
“As usual, I will.”
I leave the psych ward, disturbed. At times necessary, war is never anything but brutal, no matter how many efforts are made to prevent collateral damage and unnecessary suffering. Losing a leg is traumatizing and life changing, but I thank God daily I’m not suffering the way Orion and so many others have. With my financial state, I can buy a leg that works better than my original one, but all the money in the world can’t fix a brain when it’s been scrambled.
Rather than return right away to Todd, I drop by the cafeteria for a bottle of water and to clear my head. My thoughts are always heavy after I leave Orion, my regrets innumerable and the soul-deep ache at missing my brother enough that I’m not fit to talk to anyone for a short time. I used to fight this, too, but I don’t anymore. My therapist says it’s okay to remember. It’s just not okay to dwell or to let the memories ruin the rest of my life.
Those aren’t easy lessons to learn. On the days when I visit the VA hospital, they’re also very easy to forget. More than once I’ve taken a couple days off after the Orion visits to clear my head in the forest where Mikael and I grew up. I have the urge to do the same right now, to walk away from the world for a couple of days and connect with nature and the place where we were always happy.
With the snow, Todd and Claudia’s draw, I don’t have the time, though when spring hits, I’ll definitely be out in the forest again.
My phone buzzes, and I answer without bothering to check who it is.
“Hey, Petr.” Brianna says cheerfully. “You at the VA?”
“Yeah.” My stomach sinks a little more. Not one to avoid people, I nonetheless want some time to myself. Brianna is the last person I care to talk to. “You hear from New York yet?”
“Yeah. I didn’t get it,” she says. “I’m a little bummed but … I don’t know. Maybe the right job is still out there.”
“I’m sure it is.” I can’t bring myself to sympathize more right now, not when I have Orion and Todd in my thoughts.
“You want to meet up tonight?”
I’m a little tired of the on-off nature of our relationship. “I don’t think that works for me,” I reply.
“Oh, because it’s your visitation day and it’s super snowy. How about tomorrow?”
“Brianna, what are we doing? Like really?” I ask with mild impatience.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you call when you need me and never for another reason.”
“Oh.” She’s quiet for a moment. “I wanted to talk to you in person about maybe giving it another go, since I won’t be moving to New York.”
It takes all my will power not to snap at her. My patience and temper are both fried after the visit to Orion. I hear her message, and it strikes me that it’s the same one she uses often. Whatever it is she was doing didn’t work out, so she’s settling for me. I’m a backup, a failsafe.
I’m tired of this cycle. There’s no reason for me to settle for being second pick. I can’t help thinking of Claudia. Our single kiss and the five minutes a day we spend together may be all I ever have, but I’d rather take the chance on Claudia than remain Brianna’s backup.
“That’s not good enough for me anymore, Brianna,” I reply softly. “I’m sorry, but there is no us and hasn’t been for quite some time. I’ve let this go on too far. We’re done, Brianna. I wish you well and happy.”
And then I hang up.
It’s not like me to be so abrupt, especially with someone I’ve known since I was in primary school. I can’t help it today. I’m raw and tired of the tiny voice telling me I deserve to be in Orion’s place instead of happy.
Seeing him reminds me of his sacrifice – but also that I was given a second chance. Playing second fiddle to Brianna isn’t a wise use of the gift Orion, Mikael and the others gave me. I’ll probably call her back when I’m in a better mental state to let her know I’m serious but apologize for the delivery. I really don’t have it in me to care, not when I’m knee deep in memories at the moment.
Closing my eyes, I let my thoughts drift and the dark emotions emerge, if only for a short time.
At the one-hour mark, I reign in my mind and make my way back to the ward where Todd is.
When I arrive, there’s a small crowd around Lance consisting of four other service members. I can’t read Todd’s expression. He seems torn between unease and figuring out if he should laugh when the others do.
I join them quietly and wait for a break in their storytelling before moving into the circle. “Ready to go?” I ask Todd. “It’ll take twice as long with the snow to make it to our next stop.”
He nods and stands. With some gravity, he thanks each man for his service and shakes everyone’s hands.
We leave the hospital for the parking lot surrounded by mounds of snow. Todd is quiet, which doesn’t surprise me. My mind is on Orion.
We get into the truck. It’s a good ten minutes before I force myself out of the deep thoughts and glance at Todd. “You doing okay?”
“I think so.”
“What’s on your mind?”
“I’m not really sure.” He�
��s quiet for a moment. “I guess I can’t believe they survived. I don’t know how they’re … happy. Or at least, not angry.”
“It takes a lot of work on yourself to let go of the past.”
“I don’t know how they can let go of it, Petr.”
“You either let go and make a new life, take the chance to be happy, or you become entrenched in the past and end up miserable,” I say with a shrug. “That’s how I see it.”
“Can you tell Claudia that?”
“What’s bothering you, Todd?”
“Nothing.” There’s another silence before he breaks once more. “I don’t want to lose you. Or Maya. Or … here.”
“Why would you?”
“Because I always do. Because we always leave.”
I tread carefully. I burn to know the siblings’ secret but I don’t want to disrespect Claudia by prying the information out of Todd. It’s a miserable place to be. “Assuming that’s the case, you won’t lose me,” I assure him. “I’ll always be a phone call away.”
“I don’t want you to be a phone call away!” His emotional outburst is sudden and loud. “Petr, I want to stay here! I want to go to school with the other kids, graduate and be normal for once, and I want you to marry my sister so we can be a family!”
My grip on the steering wheel tightens. He’s circling his sore point and stabbing mine. “Does your sister know how you feel?”
He slumps. “I don’t know. Maybe. It doesn’t matter if she does. When he finds us, we have to move again.”
“Who?” I can’t help the question.
“The Monster. He always comes.” Fear enters his voice. “Sergeant Henderson showed me pictures of what happened to him. It’s what happened to Claudia last time.”
Sergeant Henderson was taken hostage for half a day, beaten near death and had his bones broken to the point his arm no longer functions right. I don’t need to imagine the wounds to see them in my head.
It sickens me to see Claudia’s face in place of the sergeant’s.
“Claudia was supposed to marry this crazy guy four years ago. He’s totally psycho. He won’t leave us alone. Everywhere we go, he finds us. The cops won’t do anything but throw him in jail for thirty days. It’s long enough for us to escape but he always … he always comes back.” Todd is distressed, his fear palpable and his features tortured. “He always hurts her and he hurt me twice. Last time he almost killed her ‘cuz she was trying to protect me.”
“The police can’t help you?”
“No. Our lawyer tried so many times … Claud says we have to wait. The feds are putting together a case against him and will throw him in jail for twenty years. But until then we have to run,” he whispers. “I’m so tired of it. I want to stay here with you.”
It takes every ounce of will power I can muster not to turn the truck around, walk into the diner and hide Claudia away in our house. My father and I have a collection of weapons, both antiques for show and functional for the shooting range in the basement, that would leave any aficionado drooling. A single man has no chance against me let alone my father, me and all our weapons.
But I stay focused on the road, comprehending Claudia’s nightmare is twofold: she fears trusting anyone, and she fears settling down in one place when she’s convinced she needs to leave town soon.
“You can’t tell her I told you,” Todd adds. “I’m never supposed to tell.”
“The Monster … he’s why you want to take karate and asked me the questions about killing someone.”
“Yeah. I’ve seen what he does to Claudia. I want to be ready but I don’t think I have years, Petr.”
“Todd …” I drift off. I would never tell anyone they don’t have a right to defend themselves. I can’t fathom, either, how much the two have been through. But Todd is a kid with his whole future ahead of him. I’m torn between knowing I would kill any man who got near my sister, no questions asked, and not wanting Todd to end up in prison for it. “I have a sister and understand how you feel, but –”
“You’re going to tell me violence isn’t the answer I’ll ruin my life, like Claud does,” he says moodily.
I smile faintly. “No, I’m going to tell you that if you end up dead trying to take on The Monster, your sister will never recover. Trust me. I know what it means to lose a brother.”
He sighs. “Yeah.”
“I want you to promise me something,” I continue. “If he finds you again, if you have to leave, call me immediately. Promise me.”
Todd is gazing at me. “Okay. But you can’t take him on either, Petr. Claudia likes you.”
“Debatable,” I say with a snort.
“I know she does. She spends all night working on your father’s projects and when she’s done, she always asks me if I think Petr will like them, not Baba.”
This woman is twisting me inside out. I can’t explain it. We barely know one another yet the connection between us is stronger than the metal leg holding up my two hundred and twenty pound frame.
“I care about you both,” I respond. “I’ll take care of you both to the extent your sister will let me.”
He starts to smile. “She’s stubborn.”
“You have no idea.”
The tension seems to ease from him, and he shrugs his shoulders and leans back, the troubled expression gone.
I wish I could relax so easily. Now that I know more about what Claudia’s been through, I have the urge to do something about it. I’m a man of action and activity. The past six weeks of our cat-n-mouse game have taught me newfound patience. But hearing what she’s been through, combined with the Orion visit and inability to purge the image from my mind of her being hurt, I just want to … break something. Run a marathon. Spend the next week in the gym or …
“Ah. You know where we’re going next?” I ask him.
“Soldier’s home?”
“You know, we’ll go there next week, before Christmas, with a truck load of presents instead. We’re going to the house to do something that will probably piss off your sister.”
Todd brightens. “I won’t tell.”
I probably will. I don’t like the idea of lying to her or deceiving her in any way. It’s what’s prevented me from pressing Todd for details about what happened. Now that I know, I can’t not do something.
“One condition.”
He’s leaning forward eagerly, waiting.
“What I’m going to teach you is for defense only. You can never, ever use it to hurt anyone for any other reason, even The Monster. You got it?”
“I think so.”
“I need another promise.”
“Okay. I promise. Defense only.”
“I’m going to teach you to shoot.”
He gasps and then quickly tries to shutter his emotions, as if not wanting me to suspect he wants to learn badly enough to buy his own.
“I’ll be like you?” he squeaks finally. “A real soldier?”
“With some practice.” I smile. “You know what makes a damn good soldier?”
Todd shakes his head.
“A good person. You have to know when to use force and when to walk away. You have to think for yourself. You must be compassionate and gentle with the people around you but strong enough to stand up for what’s right.”
“I have to be a man.”
I almost laugh, but he’s so serious, I don’t. “Yeah. You have to be a man.”
“A damned good one.”
“There ya go.”
“Don’t tell Claudia I cussed.”
I do laugh this time. His sister will surely kill me when she ever finds out. I can’t stand the idea of them being defenseless, and I know her well enough that I suspect she won’t call if something happens.
Todd will. Giving him the responsibility of knowing for a fact how to kill a man is a gamble, but it’s also something my father taught Mikael and me when we were seven. With the right instruction, and reminders about Lance, Henderson and others who will never r
ecover from their battle wounds, I think Todd is malleable enough to listen and follow the rules.
Chapter Sixteen: Claudia
Another week passes quietly. The peace of life here catches me off guard. It’s easy to sink into, easy to want this to be permanent to the point it hurts me to think otherwise.
I’m exhausted by the time I get home. Todd’s winter break started today, the twenty second, and he swore he wouldn’t leave the apartment. When I stagger in around seven, my feet are killing me. The shortage of sleep this month from Anton’s projects is starting to make me snappy with customers. Thank god they’re so full of holiday spirit, they don’t seem to mind.
The scent of chili hits me as I walk into my apartment, and I pause after closing the door. “Todd? Did you cook?” I ask.
“Yeah,” he responds from the living room.
“Is it for … us or just you?”
“Us.”
“How do you know how to make chili?”
“I found the recipe in the kitchen,” he says impatiently.
Weird. In the past two weeks, he’s gone from demanding his second dinner at eight to making his own and now, to cooking.
“Thanks, kid,” I say and ruffle his hair as I cross to the living room.
The television is blaring and Todd has dumped a box of something that looks like scrapbooking supplies on the table. I didn’t know we had anything of the sort.
“What’re you doing?” I ask.
“Omigod, Claudia! Stop bothering me. I’m making Petr a Christmas card.”
I push off my shoes and roll my eyes. I’d get up and change, but my feet need a breather first. “I can give you three bucks to buy one.”
“No. I have to do this myself.”
I snort, amused. “What made you want to cook?”
He sighs noisily. “Petr is teaching me to be a better man. He says since I’m off school, I should help out around the house. So I cooked. But if you don’t stop asking me questions, I’ll never do it again!”
