by Lizzy Ford
I laugh, delighted and surprised by the honest response. “Sorry. I’ll go change.” The mention of Petr’s name makes my heart dance.
In the three weeks Petr has been working with Todd, I’ve seen my baby brother bloom. He seems less moody, more confident, and genuinely excited about being involved in life instead of always scared or withdrawn. Petr’s progress reports are generally short, that Todd is doing good.
It’s an understatement. Todd is doing incredible. I think helping others is too much of who Petr is for him to realize how huge of an impact he’s been on Todd.
To be honest, I thought for sure he’d stop visiting the diner and being Todd’s big brother by now. I’m pleasant to him but I turn him down every day for dinner. I thought he’d be tired of it, get the hint or worst-case scenario, lose interest in me.
I don’t want that to happen. I’ve felt trapped between wanting to take him up on his offer of dinner, fully knowing how easy it’ll be for our relationship to slide into something more, and telling him to stop asking all together to save myself some heartache when he gets tired of me telling him no.
That he’d wait for me without knowing much about me isn’t something I expected. It’s more proof of how amazing he is. Every smile of his, every wink, are breadcrumbs into the forest leading me a little deeper, no matter how much I try to resist.
“Do you have homework?” Todd asks when I emerge from my bedroom, referring to Anton’s projects.
“Not tonight.” Petr’s dad comes to the diner two to three times a week with new projects. They’re pretty fun, a nice challenge that reminds me why I got into graphic design in the first place.
He always comes with Petr, except for one time this past week, when he came alone in the afternoon with another folder full of pictures.
This project I understand. He asked me to create a collage of family pictures from when his three kids were young. The honor isn’t lost on me, and his request for secrecy has kept me from sharing the project with Petr or Todd. Every night since then, I’ve sneaked peeks at the pictures of the twin brothers and their gorgeous little sister, Katya. I can’t tell Mikael and Petr apart in most of them, unless they’re labeled. The old family photos are in great shape, a sign of their value to their father.
What’s clear: the family is close knit and happy. I yearn to know what that feels like, to stop running, to be able to call my mom or visit her without fearing discovery by The Monster.
“Is the chili ready?” I ask, hungry.
“Yeah.”
I fetch us both bowls full of the hearty soup and return to my room, closing the door halfway so I can work on my ancient laptop on Anton’s secret project for a few hours before heading to bed.
“We’re having a Christmas party Thursday. Festivities start Wednesday around noon.”
The next morning, I glance up at Petr’s words and meet his blue gaze. Every time I look at him, it’s a little harder to turn away. My world seems to hold still when we gaze at each other like this.
“Open invitation for you and Todd,” Petr finishes.
That’s all I need. To be reminded at a Christmas party of everything I can’t give Todd.
“I’ll think about it,” I murmur. “Thank you for asking.”
“Is there any way you’ll consider coming?” he presses. Normally, he moves on when I refuse. “I won’t be in tomorrow morning to ask twice,” he adds with a wink.
God, how I want to say yes. The good thing is that it’d be like the Thanksgiving feast: crowded, little time to slip further from my resolve not to fall for Petr. Their mansion is huge enough that I’d be surprised if the entire town wasn’t there.
I can tell it means more to him than he’s letting on, too. The casual question and smile are hiding depth of emotion I’ve been corralling as well.
Todd will throw a fit if we don’t go. There’s another reason I need to go to his party, one I hadn’t thought of before. I have to turn over the graphic I’ve been designing to Anton.
And … well I owe him for all he’s doing for Todd. I don’t need to stay long, though I feel obligated to show up.
“We’ll come,” I decide. “Wednesday or Thursday?”
“Come Wednesday and stay as long as you like. We open up the guest wings and cottages for a few days so friends and family can stay. Or you can crash on my floor. Plenty of room for you to stay the night.”
I knock his coffee cup over in a clumsy attempt to refill it.
Dammit, Claudia! My face is hot. I try not to read anything into the fact he’s asking me to spend the night. After all, he’s inviting half the town to do the same.
Petr’s striking eyes are twinkling mischievously. He knows I’m not clumsy, though thankfully, he doesn’t call me on it.
“Sorry.” I wipe up the mess hastily.
Without looking at him directly again, I move away. My insides are on fire, the memory of our kiss rendering me too flustered to realize I’m heading the wrong direction until I reach the edge of the dining room and have to turn around to return to the kitchen.
Passing him again, I don’t give Petr the satisfaction of giving him a firmer response about our plans. He’s smiling, so I don’t think he really cares, as long as we’re showing up at some point.
He leaves shortly after, and I start to process the world around me once more.
I’m itching to call Simon again. Whereas I used to contact him once every two to four weeks, I’ve been calling him nearly three times a week since Thanksgiving. I tell him it’s because I miss my mom around the holidays. The truth is that I’m hurting for good news. Todd is growing attached to Petr to the point I hear him talk about little else. While happy for my brother, I’m also concerned about what another sudden move will do to him, especially with how much he worships Petr.
I, too, am not certain how much longer I can remain here without finally accepting Petr’s offer of dinner. Every part of me wants to say yes, and it’s fear that holds me back.
I wait to fan myself until I’m in the staff area of the kitchen and then lean back against the employees’ lockers. The back door is open to relieve some of the heat that builds up in the kitchen. The frosty December weather cools my skin without relieving the fever in my blood.
Petr blows my mind so easily. I’m not sure what would happen if we spent more than five minutes together, but I think we’d fall so deeply into each other, neither of us would ever recover.
The prospect terrifies me, because I want it so badly. I want to fall, as he says, but can’t afford to let go.
I take a break, call Todd to check in and then return to work. Instead of cheering me up, the plethora of ornaments, lights and bright holiday decorations further sink my mood.
Chapter Sixteen: Claudia
The next day, the diner is packed in the morning. Most of the town is off work, and it takes all three of us waitresses on shift to keep up with the flood of people. The rush eases off around midmorning without dropping off completely as usual.
It’s odd, but I miss Petr this morning. I didn’t think one day would make a difference. Whenever he’s here, however briefly we talk, he becomes my moment of peace, helps me remember to breathe. It doesn’t hurt that he’s sexy and sweet with a smile that sends my blood racing. Talking to him recharges me, and this morning, without him, I’m feeling totally drained again.
I don’t have time to dwell on much of anything. The lunch crowd picks up, followed by another short lull, a dinner rush, and then I’m done for the day.
The snow is starting again. I had no idea Massachusetts was so snowy and cold. I bundle up to trudge home for work, pleased to smell hamburgers when I reach my apartment door. Shivering, I enter and knock the rest of the snow off my shoes onto the floor mat.
“Hey, kid, I’m home!” I call and unwrap myself from scarf, coat, gloves and earmuffs.
“Hey.” He’s in the living room.
I instinctively check the hamburgers then turn down the heat before pulli
ng off my boots to cross the carpeted area of the living room.
“Petr says we’re going to his party tomorrow?” Todd asks hopefully.
“Yeah. We’ll drop by.” Which reminds me: I need taxi money. I check my tip jar quickly to ensure we have enough to get there and back.
“Are we staying all weekend?”
“Probably not.”
“But we’ll go and stay for a while, right?”
“Yes, Todd,” I say with a laugh. Going to my room, I close the door and change quickly then take a moment to assess the collage. It’s almost done. The diner is closed on Christmas Eve and Christmas, so I’ll have time to work on it tomorrow before we head to Petr’s in the afternoon.
Debating how much more work I need to do, I take the laptop to the living room.
“Hey, can I show you something?” I ask. “You have to keep it secret. No telling Petr, even though you’re BFFs.”
Todd rolls his eyes.
“It’s another of Anton’s projects.”
He brightens up and sits beside me on the couch. “What is it?”
I turn the screen to show him. “I can’t decide if I should try a couple more layers or leave it alone.”
Todd is smiling. “Petr will love it.”
“Two of the pictures scanned grainy,” I say, disappointed. “Do you think I should place them somewhere else or are they okay where they are?”
“I can’t tell they’re grainy.”
I purposely didn’t choose a holiday scheme for the display and went conservative, warm tones. “You sure they look okay?”
“Hello, insecurity,” Todd grumbles.
“I’m not insecure! I’m a perfectionist.”
“Whatever.” He takes his seat on the floor next to the coffee table. “He’ll like it.”
Todd is more helpful than usual. I smile as I study the pictures again. “Remember – you can’t tell him.”
“I know.”
I go in to get our hamburgers then settle onto the couch with dinner to work on Anton’s project.
The next morning, I wake up early, make my breakfast and immediately start working on the project. It’s chilly in the apartment despite the heat being on, and I’m guessing it was the coldest night yet. Todd sleeps in past midmorning. When he emerges around eleven, he’s fully dressed, down to his shoes. He has a backpack over his shoulder, and his pillow is strapped to it.
I’m still in pajamas and look at him quizzically. “Going somewhere?”
“To Petr’s. It starts in an hour,” he replies. “Did you save me breakfast?”
“Sandwich in the microwave.”
“You’re not ready,” he observes as he passes by the couch.
“I want to finish Anton’s project. I hadn’t planned on us going until this evening,” I say, half-truthfully. The idea of seeing Petr thrills me. I’d rather wait until the house is too full of people, though, so a second kiss doesn’t happen. “We’re not staying the night, either.”
“Come on, Claudia!”
“Get used to it.”
“Can I at least go at noon?”
“Alone?”
“Please, please, puh-leeeeeeeeese!”
I laugh at his expression.
“I’ll cook dinner for a month,” he says hopefully.
“Hmm … maybe if you cleaned your room for a month, too,” I tease.
He scowls. “Okay.”
“Starting now.”
Todd darts across the apartment, breakfast forgotten. I trust him at Petr’s. I still have a problem being apart for most of the day, though. Ten minutes later, he announces he’s done. I hesitate to give him permission. There was a time, not too long ago, he never would’ve asked to leave.
He’s changed a lot the past month.
“I said I’m done!” he says for a second time.
“All right.”
“I can go?”
“Yes. Go get taxi money out of the snowman jar.”
“He’ll pick me up.”
“Todd!” I exclaim, twisting from my spot on the couch to see into his room. “You can’t ask him to take time to come get you when he’s putting on the party.”
“He said I could,” Todd says, looking up from his screen. “He said to call him if we need a ride.”
I purse my lips and return to my computer, irritated with Petr. “He’s way too nice.”
“He likes us. He likes you.”
“Stop there, kid.” I’ve sensed several times Todd knows there’s something weird between Petr and me. It’s none of his business how I feel, and he knows exactly why I do what I do. I focus on my computer screen. Todd sits down beside me, texting.
“He says he can come get me in fifteen minutes and there’s another three feet of snow out today,” he reports. “Omigod! They have sleigh rides! With horses!”
I smile. “They’re billionaires. I think they can have whatever they want.”
“And peppermint hot cocoa and there’s a present for everyone who comes! This is going to be the best Christmas ever!”
Todd gets excited about two things: Maya and Petr. I’m pretty sure both will be at the party. The horses and food can’t hurt. I want him to be happy, and I regret not having the luxury of allowing myself the same happiness.
Pacing in excitement, Todd distracts me for a full fifteen minutes before announcing Petr is there to pick him up. He darts out of the apartment with his backpack despite my firm negative about staying the night.
Crossing to the chilly window with a blanket wrapped around me, I watch him climb into Petr’s truck and close the door when I’m convinced he’s safe. Moving to my couch, I pick up my laptop and then pause, eyes on the cell phone on the table.
With dread, I grab it and dial Simon’s cell number rather than his office. His vacation started Monday. We last spoke Friday, and he had no news. Desperation, and the holidays, make me dial when I know it’s not possible for him to have any updates.
“Simon,” he answers on the second ring.
“Hey, it’s me.”
“Merry Christmas!”
“Thanks. You, too.” I hesitate, hating the idea of sounding as desperate as I am.
“I have some good news!”
I blink, suspecting I heard incorrectly. “You know this is Claudia, right?”
“Yeah, kiddo, I do.” He chuckles. “Got the call yesterday in the middle of dinner. The feds have what they need. One hundred and fourteen counts, and they’re pretty sure the big ones will stick. They’re arresting him next week. Even if he makes bond, he’ll have an ankle bracelet until they haul his ass to court.”
Speechless, I wait for him to say he’s joking or maybe, they mean Christmas next year. After four years, the words bounce off me rather than penetrating. They’re too surreal to process.
“Did you hear me, Claudia?” Simon prods.
“Yes,” I manage hoarsely. “Yes. You’re saying … you’re saying it’s over? Like really over?”
“It’s over. This will be the last Christmas you have to spend away from your mother.”
“No, really.”
“Really!” he laughs. “I’ve been praying you’d call soon, so I could tell you. It’s your own personal Christmas miracle. Yours and Todd’s.”
“I can’t believe it.”
He says a few more sentences I don’t register in a chipper tone. When he’s quiet, I blink and focus.
“Thank you, Simon,” I murmur. “My god … thank you.”
“I’d wait until after the arrest happens to start calling people,” he advises. “Don’t want to give him the motivation to leave town before Monday.”
“Yeah … sure. I understand.” I hang up without saying farewell, too shocked to care about being polite.
For a very, very long moment, I sit in silence with the disposable phone – my second this month – in my lap.
It’s over.
I’ve dreamt of these words for years. Rather than joy, I feel … overwhelmed. Co
nfused. Hating my way of life, it nonetheless became normal for me. I can’t imagine returning to my old life and going back to college like every other student.
My life is permanently changed. I am permanently changed. Obsessed with day-to-day survival, I try to imagine a life without fear and draw a blank.
Except for Todd. He’ll always be part of my world. And …
Petr. If I could start over, build my life from scratch, I would begin with the man who makes my world a better place, who’s shown more kindness to my brother and me than we’ve ever known. I’d like to think I make his life better, too, or he wouldn’t be so interested.
I can’t see anything else but them in my future.
My gaze goes to the laptop. I tap the mouse pad to wake it up. The smiling faces of Petr, Mikael, and Katya pop up on my computer.
I’ve been yearning to take a chance on him almost since we met, pushing him away while my heart crept closer and closer.
Why do I still experience fear? It’s a different kind, warm instead of cold, but fear nonetheless. Fear of the unknown, uncertainty about the next step in my life. It was always clear before.
What happens when it’s time to stop running? If I’m not moving forward, then where am I going? How do I learn to stay? What is real normal like, and how do I become it after everything I’ve been through?
My hands tremble. My thoughts are too raucous to make sense of, so I flip on the television to drown them out.
I can’t … process everything. I begin working on Anton’s project once more. Something wet causes my finger to smear the mouse pad. I look down, puzzled, and watch as another droplet splashes onto my laptop.
Touching my wet cheek with my hand, I pull it away wet with moisture and realize I’m crying. I set the laptop aside. I’m shaking, overheating and also too cold, panicking and excited. Unable to contain the emotions any longer, I bury my face in a pillow on the couch and sob.
It takes me most of the day to get a hold of myself but finally, after Todd’s fourth text asking me when I’m coming, I take a long, hot shower, hide the signs I’ve been crying with makeup and get ready to go.
