“Just after I settled Grams’s will. I’m sure I told you.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Well, it didn’t matter all that much. Ryder Mitchell gave us a good price and agreed to let me leave some of our things. Grams wanted some of the proceeds set aside in a trust for you, which I did, but that won’t be available until you turn twenty-five.”
Becca thought she’d cried all the tears she had. But there were still more left. Although, she really shouldn’t be surprised Katie had forgotten... “I turned twenty-five six months ago.”
Katie sighed. “I’m so sorry, honey. I know, I get so caught up in my own life sometimes.”
Sometimes? “I’ll talk to you later, Mom. I have to go.” Becca hung up. A trust. She had no idea how much it was for, but whatever it was, she sure could have used it months ago. Maybe there would’ve been enough for her to get Amy into a good rehab. And to have gotten Noah new clothes and for him to see the dentist, maybe even get him out of the neighborhood.
But what did it matter now?
Everyone Becca had ever believed in had let her down. And, she supposed, she’d let them down, too.
God, she’d messed up everything. Even the life of the boy she loved more than life itself.
Chapter Twenty
Ryder arrived home and just sat in his truck for a few minutes, heavy with exhaustion and feeling utterly betrayed. Becca had betrayed all of them. Had she really thought he’d believe that she’d planned to tell them everything tomorrow? He’d bet the reason she’d moved out of the house was so she could sneak away. Leave his mother to wonder what she’d done wrong, when all she’d done was treat Becca and Noah like family.
He shook it off and went around the back, through the mudroom to the kitchen, where his mom was checking on something in the oven.
At the sound of his boots, she made a quick turn. “Ryder? What’s wrong? I thought you were taking dinner to Becca and Noah?”
He couldn’t just tell her he’d taken Noah and that Wiley had him in the bunkhouse for now, even though it was for the boy’s own good. The letter was burning a hole in his pocket and he couldn’t wait to pull it out. “You should sit down.”
Looking worried, she turned off the oven before using her cane to help her to the table. She sat, trembling. He was sorry about that, but once she knew the truth and had her grandson, that would make up for so much. A part of Amy, living right here, without the threat of Becca taking him away.
He unfolded the letter and set it down on the table. “This won’t be easy, but once you understand what’s going on, we’ll talk. I’ll be right here.”
She lifted the paper. Her brow furrowed deeper, and her face paled. He couldn’t watch. Instead, he poured himself a cup of coffee, his stomach complaining before he took the first sip, then stared out the window. He knew Wiley was keeping Noah busy; he just hoped the kid wasn’t scared.
He’d talk it over with his mother. Decide what to tell Noah. Nothing too much for a four-year-old. The real story wouldn’t come out until he was old enough to understand.
“Ryder, where did this letter come from?”
“That’s Amy’s handwriting.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
His mother looked appropriately stunned, although she sounded awfully calm. He carried his cup to the table, but he couldn’t sit. He didn’t like how she was looking at him. “It’s all there in black and white. It fell out of Becca’s bag. I didn’t mean to read it, but when I saw it was written by Amy—”
“You read this, and then you left the house like a man on fire. What happened?”
“What happened is that Becca lied to us. From the very beginning.”
She nodded, her expression troubled, confused. “She’s been through a great deal with Amy and Noah.”
Ryder studied her closely. He hoped she wasn’t having another stroke. “But she could have called. Gotten Amy out of there, before that scum got a hold of her.”
“I have some thoughts about that, but I can’t help but wonder why you believe Becca wouldn’t have told us everything in her own time.”
“What, when Noah was in college? You sure do have a lot of faith in the woman who’s been keeping your grandson from you. I’m sorry if I can’t share that confidence.”
“Can’t or won’t? You know Becca didn’t want to go to LA in the first place. At least now I understand why she felt it so necessary to go and use all her savings to get them there.”
Gail looked back at the letter with her shoulders hunched and pain in every line in her face. “It hurts my heart to know that Amy would say those things about you and your father just so she could get away. I thought we had a better relationship. I truly did.”
It only hit him then that he should never have shown his mother the letter. What an idiot he was. So caught up in his disappointment, he hadn’t taken a minute to consider how she’d feel about Amy’s lies.
He slid into the seat across from her. “Becca knew us. She’d practically lived here. She had to know Amy was manipulating her.”
“Oh, Ryder.” His mom shook her head. “You might’ve had feelings for Becca, but I don’t think you truly know her. When her grandmother offered to send money after they left for California, Becca refused, even though she had to be struggling. She wanted to stand on her own two feet. Of course, she had more than herself to worry about. Even those early years, I doubt Amy was taking her work responsibilities too seriously. And then after the baby, Becca had to support both of them. She was twenty-one when Noah was born. That was a heavy load to carry.”
Ryder bowed his head, hating how much he’d hurt his mom.
“Why she had to be so vicious, though, I don’t... Amy, not Becca,” Gail clarified. “To say such things about her father. He worked so hard to make this ranch a success for all of us. He’d never hurt a fly. And you, heavens, no. You were always such a good brother.” She sighed, wiping a tear. “I can’t help but think that horrible lie played a part in Amy’s addiction. The guilt must’ve eaten at her, and what better way to forget but to lose herself in drugs?
“Oh, that poor, misguided girl. She could have come home. Even after she’d said all that, none of us would have turned her away.”
Christ, Ryder wanted to go back in time, to never have given her that damn letter. To have come up with some other reason for all this trouble with Becca. “If I hadn’t seen the letter with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have believed it myself. I’m really sorry I didn’t think first. You should never have had to know all that.”
“I wouldn’t like you carrying that burden on your own. I’m just sorry it happened.”
“I’m still not convinced that Becca couldn’t have found a way to get through to Amy.”
“Didn’t you tell me she tried to get Amy into rehab or a women’s shelter?”
Ryder nodded, feeling the prick of his own guilt.
“I’m sure Becca did her best. You know, she could have just gotten out of there. Gone somewhere else. But she stayed, first for Amy, then for Noah. She gave up her life for them, don’t you see? Gave up her dreams. I believe that, no matter what, Becca put Noah’s well-being first. Including bringing him out here to make sure Amy wasn’t lying again.”
He sat back in his chair, closed his eyes for a moment, wanting to scrub his thoughts clean, to not feel so torn up. He remembered Becca saying she hadn’t dated in five years. At twenty-one, would he have taken on someone else’s kid? He’d been all about getting his degree, getting Leanne and expanding the ranch. He could barely see anything aside from his goals, and he’d have dared anyone to try to impede him.
The early twenties were a time for exploring what you wanted, going full out reaching for your dreams, finding out what you were made of.
He guessed Becca had learned that last part the hard way. She’d stayed loyal to Amy, to
Noah. She’d taken on an enormous responsibility that wasn’t hers to assume in the first place. His anger had lot more to do with himself than with Becca. She’d been a far better person than him.
What he needed to do was think this through. Rationally. Before he botched up everything. Just like he had his marriage.
“Noah’s here,” he said, the confession harder than he’d imagined.
“Where?”
“In the bunkhouse. With Wiley.”
“You took him away from Becca?”
He’d never seen condemnation in his mom’s eyes, at least not before today. “She could’ve left tonight. Disappeared with him. I couldn’t take that chance.”
“You go get him right now.” She was trembling again, but he could see it was from anger.
In fact, she looked stronger than she had in a long time. Stronger than all those times he’d left her alone while he’d taken off on business. The thought cut right through him.
Ryder stood, feeling like a stupid five-year-old, yet still fighting the urge to blame it all on everyone but himself. Clear thoughts. Hold the judgment. Even on himself. He needed to take one step at a time.
On his way to the bunkhouse, the only thing he was pretty damn sure of was that whatever feelings Becca might have ever had for him were gone forever.
* * *
BECCA HAD SLEPT in fits and starts, and every time she woke up, it was from a nightmare that she’d lost Noah. But the reality was so much worse. She wished she’d had something more than water to drink. Even the apple juice she’d brought for Noah had made her ill.
What she hadn’t expected was how devastated she felt over Ryder’s reaction. She hadn’t even realized that what she’d been feeling for him was love. Considering the blow he’d been dealt over Amy’s death, he’d come around and been strong and steady, a shoulder to lean on, just as she’d imagined him in her teenage fantasies. But that’s all they were, that’s what she’d fallen for...the fantasies. She knew he was in shock and grieving, and she could forgive him some of his behavior but...
Oh, it was no use thinking about him. Again.
It was barely past dawn. Her eyes burned, she was chilled to the bone despite the heat of the stove and packing had been like digging her own grave. All she really had left was her job. And a three-day ultimatum from her boss, which gave her little time to somehow convince Gail to agree to visitation. It wouldn’t be often, sadly, but she’d get back even if she had to use every penny of her apparent trust fund to buy a new car.
It was only sixteen hours to Blackfoot Falls.
Surely Gail would be reasonable, even if she agreed with Ryder. Gail was a mother first—she’d understand that cutting Becca off from Noah would hurt him.
Her eyes welled again, and she ruthlessly brushed the tears away. What good was crying? All it did was make it more difficult to see, to think. Right now, she needed every tool in her arsenal. She’d inevitably see Ryder, and she couldn’t stand it if she fell apart in front of him again. How he hated her now was another huge bruise to her heart. She knew she should hate him, too. But she didn’t.
Well, that just proved she was delusional. Or so naive she was a danger to humanity, not to mention herself.
All she needed to do was stay strong. Keep it together. Ask nicely to speak to Gail alone. And if Ryder didn’t allow that, which was likely, she’d block him out, like the sirens and the gunfire in her neighborhood. She’d just speak to Gail’s heart. Explain to her that she never would have stayed silent about Noah. She couldn’t have, even though the thought had more than just crossed her mind.
There was no point in lying about anything. Her only hope was with the truth. She’d grovel, she’d beg. Whatever was necessary. But she wasn’t leaving without knowing she’d see Noah again.
She just wished she didn’t have to see Ryder, too.
If only he’d given her a chance. If only he’d listened to her. That he hadn’t, she couldn’t forgive.
No. She shouldn’t think about him. Not in that way. He had his reasons for being angry. She’d been angry herself and probably made things worse.
Now it was time to load her car and make that short drive to the Sundowner.
Her lightweight coat didn’t block the morning cold. The temperature had dropped, just in time for her to try to start her lousy engine. She hoped she wouldn’t have to walk to the ranch.
When she looked back at her grandparents’ house, a wave of nostalgic sadness swept over her. It would always be their house in her mind. And her heart.
Her thoughts stopped the moment she heard the unique purr of Ryder’s truck coming up behind her.
She left the last bag on the ground as she straightened her shoulders. If he wanted to personally kick her out, that was fine. Of course he’d see she was a wreck, but he hadn’t broken her.
He parked, and when he stepped out of the truck wearing a long Sherpa-lined coat, gloves and his hat, she figured she could probably hate him after all.
“I’m leaving in a minute,” she said. “Don’t worry. I haven’t stolen anything. I’m just taking the things my mom left for me.”
“That’s not why I’m here.” He sounded calm, but he’d played that card before, and it hadn’t turned out well for her.
“Why, then?”
“To apologize. Again,” he said and her heart fluttered. “And to offer you a job.”
“What, you’ll pay me to stay away from Noah? No, thanks.”
Ryder shook his head and sighed. “I’d appreciate it if you’d hear me out, even though you’d probably rather slap me.”
“No probably about it,” she muttered, folding her arms across her chest. She was glad he looked terrible. Like he hadn’t slept either. He should. “Go on.”
“I said things I shouldn’t have, things I didn’t even mean.” He removed his hat and stared at it in his hands. “I don’t want you to go, Becca. Nobody wants you to.”
“Gail isn’t angry with me?”
“Not even a little. The only person who has reason to be angry is you.”
God, please, no more tears. She blinked furiously. “Tell me about this job.”
He looked up, his face ashen, and he really did look awful, but a glint of hope entered his eyes. “Well, my mom’s going to need help. I’d like you to stay and help take care of Noah. I’ll pay you anything you want.”
Stunned, with her heart racing, she wanted to leap at the chance, but this didn’t solve the whole problem. She should hate the sight of Ryder, but her feelings for him hadn’t gone away. All fantasies, she reminded herself.
“Look, you know Noah’s a handful, and my mother isn’t getting any younger.”
Could she really see Ryder almost every day? Watch him date other women, marry one someday? She swallowed. Of course she could, if it meant being close to Noah.
His face fell. Any stoicism he’d been holding vanished with his look of shame. “I’m sorry, Becca. I was a hotheaded fool last night. I said cruel things, and taking Noah away like that? I don’t think I’ll ever outlive the shame I feel.”
“I made my share of mistakes, too.”
“Hey,” he said, stepping closer. “No. I was a goddamn coward. I don’t even really want to hire you, but that’s the only thing I could come up with to keep you here. What I really want is your forgiveness. I’ve known you since you were a girl. A sweet, responsible, levelheaded kid. You haven’t changed. You’ve been loyal to the end. I’m the one who’s failed everyone I’ve cared about...”
Becca swallowed. She’d known him, too. He was wrong. That was the only reason she could forgive him. And yet...
He turned his head to face the wind, then after a moment, he turned to her again, looking surprised that she’d moved a step closer.
“I knew you, too, your family,” Becca said. “I never should have believed A
my’s lies. I don’t know why I did. I felt guilty that I’d missed the clues—”
“Hey.” He touched her arm, briefly, letting his fingers trail away. “Don’t. Amy was your friend. You had no reason to doubt her.”
“How’s Noah?”
“Asking for you.”
She bit her lip.
“Last night he wanted to sleep in the bunkhouse with the rest of the cowboys. ’Course about three this morning, Wiley brought him to my bedroom door. Noah had decided he wasn’t so happy in the bunkhouse.”
She nodded, held back a smile.
“I know I have no right to say this or think you’ll ever look at me again without feeling disgust, but do you think you could give me another chance? Give us a chance to get to know each other better? If I’d truly understood you, I’d never have dreamed you had anything but the best intentions. I’d like to make up for that. But I also understand that giving me another chance might be too much to ask.”
She put out her hand and he held it in his. She felt his pulse quicken, or maybe it was hers.
“I want to be real clear,” Ryder said. “Yes, I want you here for Noah’s sake, and also for my mom. But I want you here for me, too, Becca. I think we could really have something.” He took a shaky breath. “But if you can’t stay because of me, then I’ll step aside. Noah needs his mother.”
“What?” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “What did you say?”
“You are his mother, Becca.” He wiped a tear off her cheek. “A damn good one. No question about that.”
She looked at their hands, how they seemed to fit together so perfectly. Then she looked into his earnest gaze.
“I didn’t realize I’d become such a hothead, and I need to work on that. Frankly, I could learn a lot from you. Please give me a shot at becoming the kind of man who deserves you.”
More tears stung her eyes. “I have a question for you. Do you think you’ll ever be able to trust me again?”
“Oh, honey, I think in my heart I always trusted you. It was me. I didn’t want to think I’d failed. Mom. Amy. You.” He kissed her fingertips. “I promise I’ll focus on you and Noah and not take so many business trips. Hell, we have enough to do here, we don’t need a bigger ranch anyway.”
To Trust a Rancher Page 18
