Her hand went between her own chest and his, and he let his grip loosen. She probably couldn’t breathe. She gave Noah a shaky smile.
“You want me to get you a tissue?”
She shook her head and walked over to the counter, where she had a roll of toilet paper sitting by the sink. She tore off a piece and used it to wipe her nose.
“Listen, I don’t know if this is the right time, but have you given any thought to just, you know, moving here? Back to Blackfoot Falls, I mean. It would be a lot cheaper and safer than LA, and you’d have a lot of help with Noah.”
Becca stared at him, eyes misty. Her brow furrowed and she sniffed hard. “I admit, it’s crossed my mind, but now that I’ve got that promotion, things will be better for Noah and me. Not just more pay, but good health insurance and good hours and, well, I can’t imagine finding something like that out here.”
“That promotion is great, but in R & D for a new chain of steakhouses, won’t that mean some travel?”
“Yes, but only day trips, and I have Isabella. Sometimes she gets tied up, but her daughter pitches in.”
“Is there a target date for the next restaurant to become operational?”
“In about ten months.”
He knew he was pressing hard, and he didn’t want to upset her too much, but he had to strike when the iron was hot. “That’ll mean a huge time commitment. I assume. How far is it from your house?”
She shook her head, but it was clear he needed to back off. She would more than likely follow his thought...that if the location was a couple of hours away, the commute would be a nightmare. But the last thing he wanted was for her to feel foolish or naive or that he was trying to manipulate her. Which he was, for more reasons than he even understood.
He couldn’t help but wonder again why her mother hadn’t told her about the place being sold. Did Becca have any family she could count on? She sure never talked about them. After her grandparents had passed, probably all she’d had was Amy and Noah.
“Okay,” he said. “I confess, I’m trying too hard. But the truth is, I’d like to continue getting to know you. It would be a lot easier if I didn’t have to fly to LA to do it.”
A cynical smile curved her lips. “With all the work you have? I thought you were trying to build the biggest ranch in Montana.”
Yeah, while he’d ignored his responsibilities as a son and brother. He took her hand, and thankfully, she didn’t shake him off. “My mother thinks I’m overcompensating for the divorce, but she’s wrong.”
Becca looked down.
“I figured she’d said something,” Ryder admitted.
“I didn’t say that.”
Ryder smiled. “I’m going to tell you something even she doesn’t know. Leanne and I had been trying to have a baby. We waited—no, I waited too long to look into getting some medical help, and by then, we both knew it was too late. The marriage was strained. I screwed up. I suppose I should be grateful we didn’t drag an innocent child into it. Because I really wanted a family. Still do.”
Becca’s breath stuttered. She went perfectly still.
“I understand you’re protective of Noah. It’s one of the things I admire most about you. But there’s so much more to you.” He wanted to kiss her, hold on so tight she couldn’t leave him. But even though Noah was playing with his truck, he was still shooting looks at them. “You already know my mom considers you like another daughter. And I think in her heart she’s already adopted Noah.”
Becca looked over at her son, who was sitting on the floor close to the heat of the wood stove. Tears started again.
Ryder wasn’t sure whether he’d accomplished what he’d set out to do or if he should feel like an utter heel.
She pushed away and moved over to Noah, scooping him up into her arms. It was as if Ryder had disappeared. Well, guess he had been a heel. Or perhaps she’d just realized what kind of man he really was.
* * *
BECCA WATCHED RYDER’S truck disappear from view, taking a big chunk of her heart along with him. Despite everything that had happened, she still felt that pull toward him. How easy she could believe that being in his arms again would make everything all right.
How utterly foolish. This wasn’t like her. Was it? She hugged Noah tighter. All she wanted to do was take him and make a run for it. She didn’t give a damn where they went. She’d just drive until the car broke down and they’d start again. She had a little money set aside, and she could always get a job as a waitress.
She couldn’t take this. Ryder talking about wanting a child. Becca wanted that, too. So much. Noah could have a brother or sister. And Ryder would be a good dad. A steady, loving husband. But with all the lies and mistakes she’d made since day one, Ryder would never trust her again. And she wouldn’t blame him.
She rocked Noah like she used to when he wouldn’t stop crying as an infant, even though it was she who needed the comforting.
She hated who she’d become. Not Noah’s mother—that was probably the best thing she would ever do—but that she’d hidden behind her own selfishness when it was clear Noah needed to stay. He loved it here, and he’d have a whole new kind of world to grow up into the amazing man he deserved to be. Ryder would be an amazing—
She couldn’t finish the thought without crying again and scaring Noah.
As much as she’d like to think she could give him everything, she couldn’t. A huge part of her would die, but she knew what her decision had to be. Tomorrow she would talk to Gail and Ryder, tell them everything, even though they probably would never forgive her.
Only one thing was important. The son of her heart.
Chapter Nineteen
Ryder parked at the ranch and sat in his truck for a minute, trying to work himself into a better mood. It wasn’t easy. He felt unsettled, knowing he’d gone too far with Becca. Why had he admitted his part in destroying his marriage? Wasn’t it enough that he was feeling guilty over his failures? He’d been discovering some painful truths about himself, and he was willing to own it and change. He was.
Damn, it was so much easier just to work. To focus his energy on the ranch and get so exhausted all he did was fall into bed at the end of the day. But that wasn’t the answer. The ranch was no substitute for family. Nothing was. He thought about his father, and how he would have handled the situation.
Dad would have made sure Mom was okay. Moved heaven and earth to help in any way he could. He would have blamed himself for not taking care of Amy right, but he’d have kept that to himself. He would have made sure the cattle were taken care of, the bills were paid, and a nice eulogy that brought out the best of his daughter was in the town paper.
There was Ryder’s plan of action, straight down the line. Except for that little complication that was Becca. And Noah. It was true, he did have feelings for Becca. Strong feelings. He knew it was early, with too much happening, but he’d never felt this kind of a connection with Leanne. And now? The best he could do was give her time.
After a deep breath, he went inside to find Wiley and his mother in the living room. Ryder wasn’t hungry, but he’d suck it up and have dinner. That would occupy the three of them for a while.
“How is she?” Gail asked.
Before he responded, he remembered that little smile he’d seen when he’d told Becca he’d like to get to know her better, and that made things easier. “I think you were right. She needs some time, some space to make peace with what’s happened. And she’s got the stove heating up the house. Noah is happy, he thinks it’s a new adventure.”
She nodded, almost smiled.
Ryder sat down across from the couch. “I’ll give her a couple of hours, then I’ll pack up a picnic supper for her and Noah. Make sure they don’t miss out on the chicken and dumplings. I thought I’d take a cooler, too, with some milk and some breakfast things. And don’t worry, I
won’t stay long pestering her.”
His mom smiled then. “That would be nice. What about the generator we have in the workshop? Maybe then she could make them some hot oatmeal. She could have coffee in the morning. You know she doesn’t do well before her first cup.”
That made Ryder smile. Mom was sure right about that. “I’ll see about it, but I’m hoping she comes back too soon to need a generator.”
Gail nodded, and Wiley squeezed her hand. Guess the two of them had made some inroads together. Ryder still wasn’t sure if there was more than friendship, and it didn’t matter. Wiley had been a champ when it came to helping out, in all manner of ways.
“I suppose we’ll talk about the memorial service tomorrow.” Gail’s voice hitched on the last word.
“I think that’s best. Becca said she left some things in their room. Before I forget, I’m going to put them in the back of the truck. Then I could really use a shower.” He stood. “Anything I can get you?”
“No, thank you. Wiley’s been reminding me of all the mischief Amy used to get into when she was a little girl. She was something else...”
Ryder kissed her on the cheek, squeezed Wiley’s shoulder, then went upstairs, past his room. The bedroom where Becca and Noah had stayed wasn’t nearly as neat as it usually was. A bag was on the floor, and there were a couple of small cars, a box of crayons and several of Noah’s drawings halfway under the bed. Another car was on the nightstand.
He thought about putting it in the bag, maybe collecting the ones Noah had left in Ryder’s bedroom, but he didn’t want it to seem like he’d given up on her returning.
He picked up as much as he could get in the bag, and only realized one of Noah’s drawings was on an envelope when a piece of paper fluttered to the floor. A lined white sheet, folded in three.
It was a letter. In Amy’s handwriting.
He should have put it away, back in the tote, and not given it another thought. It wasn’t his business, and he had no right to intrude. He stared at it for a moment longer, and then he started reading.
* * *
IT WAS JUST past six and Noah was eating the apple and cheese Becca had given him. She wasn’t hungry. But he needed her to be normal, to be positive and to not think about what tomorrow would bring.
Thank goodness she’d remembered to bring in the flashlight from the trunk of her car, along with the rest of the road safety kit, which not only had a blanket but a rolled-up sleeping bag that Noah was excited about.
Tonight would work out fine, even though he was missing out on a bowl of chicken and dumplings. But by tomorrow, he’d have everything a little boy would want and need. A warm bath, a fully stocked kitchen. Toys and horses and cows and ATVs and love and...
She had to stop. Focus on the moment. She watched him take a bite of his apple. He looked so small sitting in her grandfather’s broken recliner.
The sound of an engine drew her to the window. Ryder parked close to the house, and behind him, was another truck. Wiley’s?
At least this time she wasn’t sobbing, so that was something. She’d thought she wouldn’t see him until tomorrow. Maybe he’d brought the cooler? Some dinner for Noah?
He knocked on the door, and Noah put his food on the chair before he ran to answer it, but Becca got there first, a bit breathless. “Ryder?”
He looked solemn but not upset. Although something felt off about him. God, she hoped nothing had happened to Gail.
“We need to talk for a minute. In private. Wiley’s going to take Noah to the ranch. Mom wants to give him a hot dinner.”
“All right,” Becca said slowly, “but not for too long...”
Noah started jumping up and down. “On the ATV?”
Wiley stepped around Ryder and grabbed the boy’s jacket and his hat. “Nope. We’re going by truck. You like the truck.” He helped him into his jacket and stuck the hat on his head. “Wave bye to Mommy.”
Noah turned and gave her a half-hearted wave, all too ready to run out the door before anything could stand in his way. Becca guessed he wasn’t as excited about his “’venture” as she’d thought.
The door closed behind Wiley, and Ryder moved closer. Close enough that she could see the look in his eyes and it made the hair on the back of her neck rise. “Is there something you forgot to tell me?” he asked. The cold of his voice made her blanch.
“What are you talking about?” She swallowed. He knew. Somehow he knew. How? How much?
“Oh, really? Nothing at all? Nothing you’ve been holding back?”
“Ryder, you’re scaring me.”
“Gee, sorry. Guess when I discovered you’ve been lying to me and my family for the last four years, I might have gotten a little upset.”
“Now wait,” she said, holding up a hand.
“Wait? What for? Until you can take Noah away and never tell us that he’s Amy’s child? That he’s my mother’s grandson?”
Every muscle in her body clenched and the urge to run was so strong it was hard to ignore. “You don’t understand. There’s more to it than you know. I had to make sure before I told you. That your family was—that you deserved him.”
He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. His fists clenched along with his jaw. He’d read the letter. That was all that made sense, but how? Had she left it behind? No. That wasn’t possible. Only Noah’s toys had...
“You had no right to read that. It was personal. To me.”
“I had no right.”
She closed her eyes, but only for a second. “I was going to tell you. Tomorrow. But if you read the letter, you know why I hadn’t told you before. Amy told me things that weren’t true.”
“But you had to know they were lies. You practically lived at our house. We were nothing but kind to you. But what did you do? Lied. Lied about everything. You knew that Amy was in trouble, and you kept your mouth shut. Did you hope she’d stay with her abuser so you wouldn’t have to fight her over Noah? Was that your plan all along?”
“Plan? You think I planned for Amy to get pregnant and plead with me not to tell anyone? To put her child into my arms and beg me to keep him and that she’d get better soon? But she never did get better, did she? I couldn’t have talked to you, because she swore you and your father were monsters. Was I just supposed to think she was kidding?”
“Stop blaming Amy! Hasn’t she paid enough of a price?”
Becca flinched.
“What about before the drugs, huh? You watched her fall into a depression over her future, and what did you do about it? You could have called your grandparents, or even your mother. Asked any of them to find out the truth about the family. But evidently they didn’t trust you either.”
Becca blinked. “What do you mean they didn’t trust me?”
Ryder stayed silent, his expression now eerily devoid of emotion, as if he’d used up all his energy.
“I tried to protect Noah. That’s all I’ve ever done.” Becca didn’t give one damn about Ryder. He was dead wrong, and he was wrong about her mother, wrong about everything. “After Amy hooked up with Derek, there was no getting through to her. I could have left Noah with social services, would that have been better? I took him in from day one. Spent everything I had taking care of him. Amy kept promising she’d want him back as soon as she got better. And I never gave up on her.”
All Ryder did was shake his head. She could tell he hadn’t listened to a word she’d said. He had his own version, where Amy wasn’t to blame for anything. And neither was he, and neither was his perfect family. Just Becca. She was the one who’d done everything wrong.
And now he had Noah.
“I swear to God I was going to tell you everything tomorrow. I couldn’t let Gail hurt like that. I knew you deserved to know the truth. I planned on moving back to Blackfoot Falls. To keep Noah close to all of us.”
Ryder
laughed. “Pretty damn convenient timing, I’d say.” He turned to the door but stopped. “And by the way, this house,” he said, his voice flat, “your mother sold it to me two years ago. I expect you to be out of here by morning.”
He didn’t wait for a response. He just threw the door open, then stormed out to his truck.
She ran after him, desperate, panicked. “Where did you take Noah? He’s going to be frightened. I’m the only mother he’s ever known. Don’t punish him like this.”
Opening the driver’s door, Ryder paused. “You think I’d give you the chance to disappear with him?”
“I wouldn’t do that—”
He’d already climbed in and slammed the door. The truck backed up with a squeal, and then Ryder sped away, taking her whole world with him.
She fell to her knees, no longer able to bear the agony. Noah. Wiley had taken Noah. Ryder had taken everything. Shaking uncontrollably, she still managed to pull out her cell phone to call Gail. Becca would explain. Gail needed to understand because Ryder didn’t. He didn’t understand that she’d done nothing but love Noah. That she couldn’t live without him. That she was his mother in every way but blood. And now he’d be terrified and wonder why she’d abandoned him.
The line was busy.
She tried one more time and got another busy signal. Then she rested back on her legs, her heart dissolving in her chest, and dialed her mother’s number. Unbelievably, Katie answered.
“Becca! It’s so wonderful to hear from you. We just got back from the Environmental Agency up north. Just in time, too. They were snowed under a couple hours after we left.”
“Mom.”
“Seriously, it was crazy, but we got so much done. Anyway, Scott’s still unloading and I’ve got to check the fridge, see if anything—”
“Mom! Stop!”
“Honey, what’s wrong?”
“Did you sell Grams’s house?”
“Of course I did.”
“When?”
To Trust a Rancher Page 17
