But if given the chance to go back to the beginning, to Noah’s birth, would she have done things differently, even knowing how it would end?
She wasn’t sure. She’d like to think she would, but the largest part of her identity was being Noah’s mommy.
Pushing herself up, she focused on making her bed, taking a shower, getting dressed. Noah had clearly been up for a while, and for all she knew, he was out in the barn or riding on the ATV with Wiley.
In the kitchen, she was stunned to see Gail at the stove making what looked like a pot of soup. It was a good sign, Becca thought as she poured herself a mug of coffee and looked out the garden window.
Noah was at the corral, sitting with Wiley on the rail, watching Bear work with a horse. Her son wore a Western shirt she didn’t recognize. And a Noah-sized Stetson.
Evidently, Gail had bought him more than just the robe. He was turning into a regular cowpoke, which made Becca’s stomach clench. Yet another blow to her taking him back to LA. She didn’t think the Mitchells were doing it maliciously, but it felt like a plot to win Noah over to their side.
She was quite certain that mission had already been accomplished.
The breath left her chest, and the squeezing started. She had to put her hand on the counter to keep herself steady.
Gail got herself a cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table. “Will you come sit with me for a minute?”
Becca nodded, topped off her cup, then joined Noah’s grandmother. Not a smart thought. It made her wince, and when she looked at Gail again, Gail was touching her eyes.
“I know I look terrible,” she said, her voice strained.
“I’m sure I don’t look any better,” Becca replied, “but I’m so glad to see you up and about.”
“Oh, I’m fine. Maybe still in a bit of shock, but aren’t we all?” She paused. “I’d like to ask you some questions about Amy, if you can bear it. If not, I understand.”
“Ask me whatever you need to,” Becca said, grasping Gail’s trembling hand.
“I don’t know much about Amy’s life in California. I have a feeling that most of what she told me wasn’t exactly true.”
Becca wanted to curl up and weep, but she had to be there for Gail. It was the very least she could do. “We thought it would be far more glamorous than it turned out to be. Remember that school field trip we took to Bozeman? We were all excited to go to the Museum of the Rockies?”
“And got in trouble for leaving the motel in the middle of the night.”
“Yes, that’s true.”
“Amy’s idea,” Gail said with a sigh.
Becca closed her eyes for a moment, a quick flash of the Amy she’d known then making her smile. “She was quite the troublemaker.”
“And you went along with every crazy plan.”
“Not every plan.”
“But you did go to LA with her. I always wondered why.”
There was no way in the world she’d admit to Gail the real reason behind her decision to leave. It might actually kill her to know how Amy had lied so viciously about the two men Gail loved most in the world. “I admit, she made it sound like something wonderful. She was so sure we’d end up in Hollywood, hobnobbing with all the celebrities. And maybe even getting into the movie business herself.” Becca shrugged. “We were kids.”
“Early on, she told me something about getting into modeling. Was that true?”
“Partly. She did get that one job for a local chain store, but that was pretty much it. She was so proud. Certain it would lead to better things.”
“It was after that she lost hope, didn’t she?”
“I’m not sure.” Becca paused to take a sip from her mug. “She was always broke and some guy talked her into taking a short course in bartending. It was great in the beginning. She was good at it, and she started out with a very upscale bar. Met a few Hollywood people.”
“Meanwhile you were working as a waitress?”
“I had some housekeeping jobs, too. There are so many motels and hotels in LA. It was steady work, and between that, my job at the restaurant and her tips from the bar, we made the rent.”
“But then she got into...” Gail couldn’t speak. She closed her eyes and Becca got nervous.
“Whatever you’re cooking smells wonderful.”
Gail pulled a tissue from under her shirt cuff, and pressed it to her eyes for a moment. When she looked at Becca again, she seemed a little better. “It’s Ryder’s favorite. He loves my chicken and dumplings. I thought you and Noah might like it, too.”
“You probably make the dumplings from scratch, right? You don’t cut up dough from a can?”
Gail actually laughed. “I never heard of such a thing. Those wouldn’t be dumplings. If you like, I’ll teach you how to make them.”
“That would be great,” she said. “I haven’t seen Ryder this morning.”
“He’s off at a business meeting. He almost forgot about it. It’s in Evergreen, which isn’t all that far away. I just hope he doesn’t get lost in work like he did after the divorce. I swear, he nearly worked himself to death buying up land, increasing the herd. He was a man possessed, determined to prove something.”
“Prove?”
“I don’t know, but that was my impression.” Gail patted the table and stood up, her cane at the ready. Before she went back to the stove, she met Becca’s gaze. “When he gets back, we’ll talk about the memorial service.”
Becca jerked a little, the statement caught her so off guard.
“If you don’t want to, that’s fine, sweetheart, but I’ve always felt as if you were part of the family. You spent so much time with us, and whether you believe it or not, you were a very good influence on Amy.”
“I don’t know about that,” Becca said, “but I do know you always made me feel welcome, and I appreciate that so much. I’m sorry I didn’t keep in touch with you more after the move. I should have.”
Gail turned to look out the window. “I imagine you were kept quite busy by a certain curious little boy. What a fine job you’ve done with him. He’s such a caring child. You have no idea how much he’s done for me. You know, I used to envy Katie when you girls were teenagers. Amy was so caught up in makeup and boys, but you were levelheaded and down-to-earth. I always figured you’d be the one to give your mom grandchildren, and Amy... Well, she might have, eventually, but—” Gail shrugged and took out the tissue again.
Becca had to force herself not to run as far and as fast as she could. This was torture. Nothing was okay about any of it, and she was to blame. Yes, Amy was headstrong, but Becca was the one who could have stopped it all. If only she’d known the truth. If only she’d been stronger.
Finally, she managed to say, “Ryder still has a few good years left in him.”
Gail’s shoulders shook, but then Becca heard her laugh. She hadn’t meant it as a joke, but she was grateful that’s how it had sounded.
“I suppose he does,” she said. “At least that’s what I keep telling him.” She stirred the soup, then turned back to Becca. “Anyway, I’m so happy to have met Noah. He’s been a bright light in my life, even in this short time. I can’t help wondering if there’s any chance you might consider moving back to Blackfoot Falls?”
The panic response was at the ready, but Becca took charge. “I honestly don’t know. I assume Ryder told you about where we live. It’s not as bad as he thinks it is. I promise. And my job is a good one, with a lot of growth potential.”
Gail nodded slowly. “I hope you know you’re welcome to stay with us. Always.”
“That’s a lovely offer, and I appreciate it with all my heart, but I meant to tell you I decided last night that it would be best for Noah and me to move over to my grandparents’ house for a few days before we head back to LA.”
Now it was Gail who seemed panicked
, her eyes wide and fretful. “When?”
“This afternoon.”
Gail leaned heavily on her cane. “But there’s no heating or electricity. There’s no refrigerator. What could you possibly—?”
Becca stood, walked over to Gail and put grounding hands on her shoulders. “We’ll be fine. I’ve figured it all out.” That was a total lie. She’d spoken out of panic, but she stayed the course. “With that wood-burning stove, we’ll be all set, and of course, we’ll come by as often as you like. But you’ll be having a lot of company soon. Half of Blackfoot Falls will be coming to pay their respects. Noah and I would just be in the way.”
“No. Not at all. You don’t have to leave.”
Becca forced a smile. “I promise, we’ll be warm and safe, and so close by that you won’t even have a chance to miss us. I’ll be here whenever you need me, and Noah will be out bothering Wiley and you until you want to wring your hands. But we’ll leave you in peace, as well. This is just a difficult time. It’ll all work out.
“Now, I’d better go make sure Noah isn’t being a nuisance, and then I’ll pack our things. We’ll come back later to talk about the memorial service.” She kissed Gail on the cheek. The weakest apology in the world.
The truth was, she couldn’t stay. Not with them, not without waffling over the huge decision she had to make. She was in knots, and she had to have a clear head before she botched things up forever. She had to think. And she couldn’t while she had to face this family every minute.
She was being selfish. But they all deserved for her to be rational. Noah deserved her best judgment. After all, he’d be losing the only mother he’d ever known.
And she’d be losing everything.
Chapter Eighteen
The smell of chicken and dumplings welcomed Ryder home just after four o’clock. The meeting at Evergreen had gone on too long, but he’d taken his time checking out the stock, particularly the two breeding bulls. Now that he’d increased the herd, he needed to add two sires to take care of the overflow, and Evergreen Ranch had just what he was looking for.
If nothing else, the meeting had been a great distraction. His thoughts kept wandering, and not just because he was worried about his mother, which only added to his guilt. He kept thinking about Becca and about whether she could ever really forgive him.
Last night, as he’d tried to lose himself in sleep, stray bits of conversation since receiving the news of Amy’s death kept drifting back to him.
Hell, it wasn’t conversation—it was just him, and his damned self-righteousness, verbally battering Becca, who hadn’t deserved any of it. All because he’d felt so powerless. He’d been so blinded by anger and his own guilt that he’d blocked out some of the truly terrible things he’d said to her. Until random memories started coming back to haunt him.
After hanging up his jacket, he found his mother at the kitchen table sitting by herself. No Becca, no Noah, no Wiley.
“Mom, you okay?”
She looked up and gave him the saddest excuse for a nod.
He sat down next to her. “What happened?”
“It’s all right,” she said. “I’m sure she has her reasons.”
“Who’s she?”
“Becca.” It sounded as if she’d used the last bit of her energy to utter the name.
“What did she do?”
His mother looked at him, and he thought about calling Doc Heaton whether she wanted to see him or not. “She and Noah have moved over to her grandparents’ place.”
“What? That doesn’t make any sense.”
“I didn’t think so either, but she seemed determined.”
“Determined?” he repeated, confused. “To leave you here alone?”
“I’m hardly alone, Ryder.” She sighed. “You must be hungry. Let me get you some dinner.”
“I want to understand why Becca left.” He got a glass from the cabinet and filled it with water. “Did she give you a reason?”
“Because people will be coming by to offer their condolences. And that I need time to rest. That Noah would wear me out.”
“Well, there must be some kind of misunderstanding. She wouldn’t just pick up and go like that.” He thought about her standing on the stairs last night and that tense look on her face. “Did you mention that we were going to discuss the memorial service?”
Gail nodded. “I don’t know why, but I think that might be why she decided to leave. I don’t think she wants to help with that.”
“She doesn’t want—”
“It’s fine. It’s her choice. I told her she didn’t have to.”
Ryder set the water in front of her, then paced the length of the kitchen. He looked out the window to see if anyone was in the corral but all he saw was Otis walking toward the bunkhouse. “This is crazy. Something’s wrong with this picture. She’s at her grandparents’ house now?”
“I think so. Her car is gone, didn’t you notice?”
“I didn’t give it any thought. How could she just leave?”
“We have no right to keep them here, Ryder.”
“No, but we can sure as hell tell her that house doesn’t belong to her family anymore.”
“You can’t do that,” she said, sighing. “Wiley has been checking on me all day, and I invited him to come by for dinner. Don’t get worked up about Becca. She’s not running away. She probably just needs some time alone.”
He didn’t understand. Becca wouldn’t take Noah to a house with... “No electricity, no heat, no fridge. How are they going manage? She’s got a four-year-old with her.”
“There’s wood and a stove that will keep them both warm.”
He knew that wouldn’t be enough, but the last thing he wanted was to make his mom more upset.
“I’ll go tell Wiley to come over while I check on them,” he said.
“If you’re just going to bother Becca, I don’t think you should. She’s grieving.”
“I won’t be long. Why don’t I make you a cup of tea before I go?”
“You’re grieving, too, Ryder. You need time to grieve, just as Becca needs room to get over her loss. I know you care about her. And Noah. It’s obvious. Leave it be for tonight.”
He turned away, knowing his mother was right. “I’m attracted to her. That’s different. But that’s not what’s important now. I just want to make sure she understands she’s still welcome here.”
“I don’t want to argue. Please.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ll be back soon.”
He left the kitchen before she had a chance to say another word, and he barely remembered to grab his jacket.
* * *
WHEN HE GOT to the old ranch house seven minutes later, he parked the truck behind the big oak about thirty feet from the door and sat for a minute, just taking some deep breaths. He wasn’t going to go in there accusing Becca of running out on them. He’d ask her, calmly, why she’d left.
When he was ready, he got out, closed the door as quietly as possible, then headed toward the house. As he got close, something caught his eye inside. The curtains were all the way open and he could see clear into the kitchen.
Becca was sweeping like it was a competition. He could tell she’d cleaned off the counters and had been dusting. And that tears were streaming down her face.
“Well, shit.” His mother’s words came back to him, clearer this time. Becca was grieving for her friend. He still didn’t like her being without the basic necessities, but he needed to give her space. Respect her decision. They could talk tomorrow.
“Uncle Ryder?”
He spun around at Noah’s voice. The boy stood to the side of the small porch, looking confused.
“Hey, Noah.”
“How come you didn’t come in?”
The door swung open and Becca’s c
all for her son was cut off. She stared at Ryder, more panicked than anything, wiping furiously at her tear-streaked face.
“We’re having a new ’venture. Kinda like camping. But inside.”
Ryder shifted his attention to Noah, although he only had a vague idea of what the boy had said. “Sounds exciting.” His gaze moved quickly back to Becca. She was in jeans and a T-shirt, and it was too cold for that. At least Noah had his jacket on. “Look, I just came by to see if you needed anything. I have a pretty big cooler I could bring over...you could use it to keep milk, or whatever.”
The look she gave him was far too wary. “Um, thanks. We have a small one, so we’re fine. It’s just for a few days.” She sniffed quietly. “Oh, you know what, we left a few things, toys mostly, in the guest room. Please tell your mom I’ll be by tomorrow to pick them up and straighten the room.”
“Is this because of the plans to talk about the service—?”
“What? No.” She glanced at Noah, who was still staring at Ryder. “I’ll come by later. I’m sorry, I forgot that we were supposed to make...plans...and...”
Her lips were quivering and more tears fell. He felt rooted to the pathway. When her head bowed, he rushed forward, pulling her into his arms. “God, you’re freezing,” he whispered. “We should get you inside.”
She shook her head, but he wasn’t sure what she was trying to say no to, so he just took the initiative and pulled her back into the house. Becca clung to his every move, trying like a trooper to stop weeping, but all she managed was some sniffles and stutters.
“What’s wrong, Mommy?”
“Come on inside, Noah,” Ryder said. When he heard the front door close, he leaned back and held her tighter. “Mommy’s okay. It’s me. I’ve been an idiot.” He lowered his voice so his words would only reach her ears. “I knew you were grieving, but I didn’t give you any space to do that. I was so concerned with my own confusion, I left you out to dry, didn’t I?”
That seemed to make her worse. She sobbed like a child, and all he could do was hold her. Stroke her hair, brush a kiss across her cheek. He wanted to do a lot more. “You’re a working single mom and you need your job and your life back. None of this is fair. Not any of it. Especially when you tried so hard to help Amy.”
To Trust a Rancher Page 16
