The Comedy of Errors
Page 18
Without addition or diminishing,
As take from me thyself, and not me, too.
135
How dearly would it touch thee to the quick
Shouldst thou but hear I were licentious?
And that this body, consecrate to thee,
By ruffian lust should be contaminate?
Wouldst thou not spit at me, and spurn at me,
140
And hurl the name of ‘husband’ in my face,
And tear the stained skin off my harlot brow,
And from my false hand cut the wedding ring,
And break it with a deep-divorcing vow?
I know thou canst, and, therefore, see thou do it!
145
I am possessed with an adulterate blot;
My blood is mingled with the crime of lust:
For if we two be one, and thou play false,
I do digest the poison of thy flesh,
Being strumpeted by thy contagion.
150
Keep, then, fair league and truce with thy true bed:
I live dis-stained, thou undishonoured.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Plead you to me, fair dame? I know you not:
In Ephesus I am but two hours old,
154
As strange unto your town as to your talk,
155
Who, every word by all my wit being scanned,
Wants wit in all, one word to understand.
LUCIANA
Fie, brother! How the world is changed with you:
When were you wont to use my sister thus?
She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner.
160
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE By Dromio?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE By me?
ADRIANA
By thee, and this thou didst return from him:
That he did buffet thee, and, in his blows,
Denied my house for his, me for his wife.
165
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE [to Dromio]
Did you converse, sir, with this gentlewoman?
What is the course and drift of your compact?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I, sir? I never saw her till this time.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Villain, thou lie’st! For even her very words
Didst thou deliver to me on the mart.
170
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
I never spake with her in all my life.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
How can she thus, then, call us by our names? –
Unless it be by inspiration.
ADRIANA
How ill agrees it with your gravity
To counterfeit thus grossly with your slave,
175
Abetting him to thwart me in my mood.
Be it my wrong, you are from me exempt;
But wrong not that wrong with a more contempt.
Come, I will fasten [taking his arm] on this sleeve of thine:
Thou art an elm, my husband, I a vine,
180
Whose weakness, married to thy stronger state,
Makes me with thy strength to communicate.
If aught possess thee from me, it is dross,
Usurping ivy, briar or idle moss,
Who, all for want of pruning, with intrusion
185
Infect thy sap, and live on thy confusion.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE [aside]
To me she speaks; she moves me for her theme.
What, was I married to her in my dream?
Or sleep I now and think I hear all this?
What error drives our eyes and ears amiss?
190
Until I know this sure uncertainty,
I’ll entertain the offered fallacy.
LUCIANA
Dromio, go bid the servants spread for dinner.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [aside]
O, for my beads! I cross me [crossing himself] for a sinner.
This is the fairy land; O, spite of spites,
195
We talk with goblins, owls and sprites!
If we obey them not, this will ensue:
They’ll suck our breath or pinch us black and blue.
LUCIANA
Why prat’st thou to thyself and answer’st not?
Dromio, thou Dromio, thou snail, thou slug, thou sot.
200
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [to Antipholus]
I am transformed, master, am I not?
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
I think thou art in mind, and so am I.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Nay, master, both in mind and in my shape.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
Thou hast thine own form.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, I am an ape.
204
LUCIANA
If thou art changed to aught, ’tis to an ass.
205
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
’Tis true: she rides me, and I long for grass.
’Tis so, I am an ass, else it could never be
But I should know her as well as she knows me.
ADRIANA
Come, come, no longer will I be a fool,
To put the finger in the eye and weep,
210
Whilst man and master laughs my woes to scorn.
Come, sir, to dinner. – Dromio, keep the gate.
– Husband, I’ll dine above with you today,
And shrive you of a thousand idle pranks.
– Sirrah, if any ask you for your master,
215
Say he dines forth, and let no creature enter.
– Come, sister. – Dromio, play the porter well.
ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE [aside]
Am I in earth, in heaven or in hell?
Sleeping or waking? Mad or well advised?
Known unto these, and to myself disguised?
220
I’ll say as they say, and persever so,
And in this mist at all adventures go.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
Master, shall I be porter at the gate?
ADRIANA
Ay, and let none enter, lest I break your pate.
LUCIANA
Come, come, Antipholus, we dine too late.
225
[Exeunt, with Dromio last.]
3.1
Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, his man DROMIO,
ANGELO the goldsmith and BALTHAZAR the merchant.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Good Signor Angelo, you must excuse us all;
My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours.
Say that I lingered with you at your shop
To see the making of her carcanet,
And that tomorrow you will bring it home.
5
[Indicates Dromio.] But here’s a villain that would face me down
He met me on the mart, and that I beat him
And charged him with a thousand marks in gold,
And that I did deny my wife and house.
[to Dromio] Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?
10
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know;
That you beat me at the mart I have your hand to show.
If the skin were parchment and the blows you gave were ink,
Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
I think thou art an ass.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS Marry, so it doth appear
15
By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.
I should kick, being kicked; and, being at that pass,
You would keep from my heels and beware of an ass.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Y’are sad, Signor Balthazar. Pray God our cheer
May answer my good will and your good welcome here.
20
BALTHAZAR
I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
O, Signor Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,
A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.
BALTHAZAR
Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
And welcome more common, for that’s nothing but words.
25
BALTHAZAR
Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Ay, to a niggardly host and more sparing guest.
But though my cates be mean, take them in good part:
Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
[Attempts to open the door of his house.]
But soft, my door is locked. [to Dromio] Go bid them let us in.
30
DROMIO OF EPHESUS [calling]
Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cic’ly, Gillian, Ginn!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [within, on the other side of the door]
Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!
Either get thee from the door or sit down at the hatch.
Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call’st for such store,
When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.
35
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
What patch is made our porter? – My master stays in the street.
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [within]
Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on’s feet.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
Who talks within there? Ho, open the door!
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [within]
Right, sir, I’ll tell you when, an you’ll tell me wherefore.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
‘Wherefore’? For my dinner: I have not dined today.
40
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [within]
Nor today here you must not; come again when you may.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
What art thou that keep’st me out from the house I owe?
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [within]
The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
O villain, thou hast stolen both mine office and my name;
The one ne’er got me credit, the other mickle blame;
45
If thou hadst been Dromio today in my place,
Thou wouldst have changed thy place for a name, and thy name for an ass.
Enter LUCE [within the house].
LUCE [within]
What a coil is there, Dromio! Who are those at the gate?
DROMIO OF EPHESUS
Let my master in, Luce.
LUCE [within] Faith, no; he comes too late,
And so tell your master.
DROMIO OF EPHESUS O Lord, I must laugh!
50
Have at you with a proverb: ‘Shall I set in my staff?’
LUCE [within]
Have at you with another: that’s ‘When? Can you tell?’
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [within]
If thy name be called ‘Luce’, Luce, thou hast answered him well.
ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS [to Luce]
Do you hear, you minion? You’ll let us in, I hope?
LUCE [within]