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by Ron Elliott

  Jane ignored him, selecting Bombs, but scrolling past Do it Yourself Thermonuclear Devices, and options for The Controlled Explosion.

  Paul said, ‘I’d hate, you know, to see someone get hurt.’

  Jane had found something that looked about right. How to Make a Bomb when You Don’t Own a Shed.

  There was a knock on the door.

  Paul jumped up and leapt in a couple of directions while not leaving the table.

  A key was inserted in their front door.

  Jane scowled and killed the computer screen.

  Paul lunged towards the dynamite, cracking his thigh into the table edge on the way through. He grabbed it and thrust it into his takeaway McDonald’s bag, turning to smile as his mother came through the door carrying a washing basket.

  ‘Paul! Oh, I didn’t know you were home. Takeaway food, really!’

  ‘Mum. I didn’t get a chance to answer the door.’ Paul limped to Jane and gave her the McDonald’s bag. She put it carefully in the bin under the computer desk.

  Paul’s mum put down the washing basket, took out a casserole dish and headed for the fridge. ‘I thought you’d be at the university. Studying occupational therapy can’t be easy. I’m still not sure what an occupational therapist does, but now you’re studying it, I’ve begun to notice that they’re everywhere. It’s not going to be overcrowded by the time you finish is it?’

  Jane folded her arms in Paul’s direction.

  ‘Ah, Mum?’

  She turned from the fridge with a patient exasperation, and went to him. ‘Don’t I get a kiss. You too old to kiss your old mother now you’re at university?’

  Paul pecked her on the cheek and she patted him on the head before grabbing the washing basket and humming her way to the bedroom.

  Paul turned to Jane. ‘I’ve asked her not to come.’

  ‘Get the key.’

  ***

  Paul’s mother was stacking Paul’s ironed t-shirts and jeans in the wardrobe, trying to avert her eyes from the tousled bed.

  ‘Mum, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to have a key to the flat.’

  ‘How would I get in?’

  ‘I’d let you in.’

  ‘No. This way is better, Paul. I can make sure you’re all right, without being a bother.’ She began picking up dirty washing, careful not to come in contact with any of Jane’s things. ‘That’s why I got the extra key from Mrs McGready in the first place.’

  ‘But Mum ... can’t you check with me first?’

  ‘I can’t. Your phone line is always busy. Oh, you’re still grumpy about that package aren’t you?’

  ‘I ... was going to take it there myself.’

  ‘I wish you’d wear more shirts with collars. They make you look more grown-up. When they weighed it at the post office, they nearly had a fit, I can tell you. It was forty-five dollars in postage. But I don’t mind. A paperweight to a charity can be important.’ She paused. ‘Where is Oceania, anyway?

  Paul winced as the front door slammed.

  His mother dusted her hands with satisfaction. ‘That’s the chores done. Let’s have a lovely cup of Milo, shall we? I’ve bought gingernuts.’

  ***

  Mary was on the upstairs landing, dressed in a floral housecoat. She watched the girl from downstairs storm out of the flats. She knocked on the door of flat four. The sawing stopped but then started again. Mary knocked again.

  When Harry opened the door, Mary tried to see past a dust-covered shoulder, but he stepped outside, closing the door behind him.

  Mary held up an empty cup. ‘I wondered if you had any sugar, Jake?’

  He shook his head. ‘You could try Adam. He might have a sweet tooth.’

  ‘Is he your next project, is he?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘As I recall, you convinced the last fellow who rented flat two to go into the woods and face the bear.’

  ‘Yes?’ said Harry, folding his arms across his chest.

  ‘You ever hear from him after he went to Canada?’

  ‘Maybe he faced the bear and felt no need to revisit childish counsel. Do you ever hear from him?’

  ‘Maybe the bear ate him.’

  ‘Maybe, that’s one of the risks, when a man has to do what a man has to do.’

  ‘And maybe you should take a bath.’ Mary stomped back into her flat.

  ***

  It took Adam a surprising amount of time to find a spare box capable of holding the post package he had damaged. The mysterious object inside was heavy with at least one rounded edge. It might have been a vital component of an immense factory machine, or a digger that sat un-digging waiting on the mail. He eventually found a large enough box outside the stationery storeroom and carried it with great purpose back down to his dungeon where he’d managed to drag and push the heavy lost mail item under his desk. He put the empty box on his desk and turned to see if the coast was clear.

  It wasn’t. Howard had followed him. ‘What you doing with that box, Adam?’

  ‘Thought I’d get things organised down here.’

  ‘They are organised. Been organised for about a hundred years.’ Howard looked at the shelves then back to Adam with suspicion. ‘Could be a lot of valuable items amongst these shelves. Tell me why you left the country post office.’

  Adam looked away. ‘Personal reasons.’

  ‘You wouldn’t be the first problem that got transferred to somewhere else with a glowing testimonial.’

  ‘I give up, Howard. We got off on the wrong foot. Cheryl up in sorting...’

  ‘Sharon.’

  ‘Sharon. You’re right. Her boobs – unbelievable. Her arse – I’d like to grab it and hold it forever. I’d like to screw her until the skin peels off my dick. Okay? Will you get off my back?’

  ‘Have you ever heard of sexual harassment, Adam?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’ve started going out with Sharon.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Tampering with Her Majesty’s mail is an offence. I’m watching you, Adam.’

  ‘I know, Howard.’

  ***

  The Rover cruised past Milton’s Pet Shop and turned down a laneway behind the GPO. Jane stopped the car twenty feet before a huge, closed roller door. Paul sat next to her clutching the bomb in the McDonald’s bag on his lap, the sweat from his hands starting to make the paper soft and thin in places.

  ‘We’ll blow this wall here.’

  Paul looked at the sign on the wall. No Parking Anytime Ever.

  Jane opened her door and reached in for the bag of dynamite, but was interrupted by the noise of a car horn behind.

  At the street end of the laneway a red mail van was waiting.

  ‘Shit.’

  The mail van beeped twice and in response the huge roller door clanked and rattled upwards.

  Jane started reversing out of the laneway. ‘Shit.’ As their car backed out into the street, Jane realised there were four more red vans, all waiting behind the first, to go into the post office. ‘I thought you cased this place! Shit.’

  ‘I did. But not at five o’clock. I thought they’d be going home.’

  Jane backed across the street slowly, forcing her way through two lanes of honking, brake-squealing traffic.

  Paul watched the vans go in, joined by more arriving behind. ‘You’d think with computers and this electro-stuff that people wouldn’t be sending so many real letters anymore. It’s quite encouraging really – people still wanting the personal touch. With real paper from real trees.’

  Then Paul saw the geeky-looking guy from their flats. The one they’d nearly run over outside the post office the day before. He was coming from the GPO.

  Jane said, ‘Okay. New plan. We hijack one of the mail vans. Drive right in and demand the package. Force the driver to show us the lost property room or whatever. We’ll need guns. Machine guns would be best.’

  Paul said, ‘That’s the guy from our flats. I’m pretty sure he works i
n the post office.’

  Jane said, ‘It’ll take too long to get machine guns. We could get some gaffer tape and tape the dynamite to your chest, like a plane hijacker. Do exactly what we say you arseholes or Paul blows everything up.’

  ‘That guy works there. He might have a key.’

  Jane looked over in time to see the pet shop door close.

  ***

  The balding man was at the counter when Adam entered. Adam guessed he must be the boss. He looked up and said, ‘Can I help you?’

  ‘I was after Evelyn. I mean looking for ... um, there was a thing about my canary, that I wanted to know.’

  ‘I know a lot about canaries,’ said the man.

  Evelyn came from the back and said, ‘Not more birdseed!’

  ‘Oh, no. Got lots of that. Ha. More birdseed. I um wanted to ask your advice about what we were discussing, about Chris, my canary.’

  Evelyn nodded and the boss went away.

  ‘I was wondering about what you said about Chris’s eating problem.’ Adam took a breath. ‘Do you think he could be lonely?’

  Evelyn nodded seriously and looked to the computer. ‘Yes. It’s very likely. Birds like company. They shouldn’t be left alone. It’s cruel really, unless you’re home a lot with them.’

  ‘I don’t think it’s fair on him. You know, if you enter into a relationship, even with a pet, you have ... enormous responsibilities.’

  Evelyn got the CD-ROM of A Compact Disc Compendium of Useful Information for the Owner of Pet Birds. It had a cluster of zebra finches on the cover. She studied the computer screen.

  So did Adam. He was trying to find her e-mail address. He couldn’t see it in all the clutter of writing and pictures on the screen.

  ‘Do you want a companion or do you want to breed?’

  ‘Me or the canary?’

  She blinked at the screen then swivelled her long neck to look up at him. ‘The canary.’

  ‘Yes, silly joke. Of course.’

  She read from the computer, ‘The hen should be in her breeding cage some time before she is introduced to the cock.’

  Adam gently bit the side of his cheek. He found it helped him concentrate.

  Evelyn read, ‘He should on no account be placed in the breeding cage without preliminaries.’

  ‘Oh no. That wouldn’t be right.’

  ‘You should get two cages, so they can view each other, so she can “gradually get used to his advances”.’

  ‘So you really let them fall in love?’ asked Adam.

  ‘Of course. For life.’ She looked at Adam with a radiant smile.

  He smiled back and she became more businesslike. ‘Although, for birds and animals, of course, love isn’t really correct. It’s instinct. They get in season and they mate, in season.’

  Adam tried, ‘Whereas people?’

  Evelyn smiled an ethereal smile then and Adam thought his heart had seized, but she shook it off and headed towards the birds at the back of the shop, ‘We’ve only got one young hen. A bit highly strung.’

  Adam followed.

  The hen, the only one in the store, leapt and fluttered about her cage. She flapped her wings wildly, leaping at the side of the bars, sending feathers and a light dust everywhere.

  ‘Shh shh shh. Settle down. Ooh, she doesn’t like you,’ said Evelyn.

  ‘No. Well, she doesn’t have to like me. She has to like Chris.’

  ‘Shh now, shh,’ whispered Evelyn trying to comfort the canary, which had now leapt to the bars at the back of the cage where she hung on with her claws, while her head rocked wildly trying to see them behind her.

  ‘Is she all right?’ asked Adam.

  ‘Look, why don’t you buy her, and if she doesn’t settle down, you can bring her back.’

  ‘Oh. Um, okay. And can I keep asking your advice?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘You’re good with animals, but birds are your favourite aren’t they?’

  ‘Yes. I dream about them.’

  ‘Dream?’

  ‘Oh,’ said Evelyn, as though wakening. She seemed embarrassed to have shared too much. ‘So, will you take her?’ She headed back to the other side of the counter, all business again.

  ‘Yes,’ said Adam. He pointed to the computer. ‘Could I have your e-mail address, in case...’

  ***

  Jane had parked the Rover in the No Standing Zone outside the pet shop. She called instructions to Paul through the open driver’s window. ‘See if he’s got keys to the place.’

  Paul stood on the footpath, still trying to calm her. ‘Let’s just meet him and you know, gain his trust. He might let us in.’

  ‘Be much quicker to put a gun to his head and make him.’

  ‘Can we try it my way first? For once.’

  Jane looked past him urgently.

  Paul swung around to see him coming from the pet shop with a birdcage under a hood. ‘Hey, don’t I know you?’

  ***

  Adam looked at the guy and then the girl in the car.

  ‘We’re neighbours! I thought it was you,’ said the guy.

  ‘Flat one?’ said Adam.

  ‘Hey, what a small world, huh?’

  The girl called, ‘Hey, want a ride, man?’ She was doing something strange with her eyebrows, sitting behind the wheel of a car that looked familiar.

  Adam looked at the birdcage and then to the guy who was opening the back door of the Rover as though it was a limousine. ‘So, um a bird, huh? Wow.’

  ‘Thanks, um, people,’ said Adam, getting in the back with the birdcage. ‘Lucky for me I bumped into you.’

  ‘I’m Paul, this is Jane,’ said Paul.

  ‘Adam.’

  Paul swivelled around and looked at the hooded cage and then to Adam. ‘You like whales?’

  ‘Not in a cage,’ said Adam.

  Paul didn’t smile. He became more focused. ‘How about dolphins? Don’t tell me you hate dolphins.’

  ‘I don’t hate whales. Or dolphins. I’ve got nothing against fish.’

  ‘How about baby seals?’

  ‘I thought we were talking about fish.’

  ‘We’re talking about all kinds of creatures, I guess.’

  ‘Well, I must admit, I haven’t really thought about them, but I have a pretty positive feeling about baby seals.’

  Paul turned to the driver, ‘See, didn’t I tell you Jane? I had a feeling we’d have a lot in common with this guy and we do.’

  ‘Yeah, and we live right next door to each other.’

  Paul said, ‘Jane and I met on a protest against live sheep exports. I was organising the picket line. I look up, and there she is – chained to the gangway. And I thought what a ... caring person. What courage. You know what – Jane’s action alone forced them to unload that ship and send the sheep right back to the abattoir. Their suffering ended.’

  ‘I come from a farm,’ said Adam.

  ‘What?’ said Paul.

  ‘From the country. Where the sheep come from.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Jane, looking at him with narrowed eyes in the rear-vision mirror.

  ‘Hey,’ said Paul, ‘maybe they were your sheep we saved.’

  ‘Anyway,’ said Jane, ‘So, do you work at the post office?’

  ‘Yeah, how did you...?’

  Paul said, ‘I saw you come out, um when we were, um ... um...’

  ‘Eating our burgers,’ said Jane.

  ‘Oh, yeah. See.’ Paul lifted an old-looking McDonald’s bag delicately between thumb and forefinger and then carefully returned it to his lap.

  The Rover turned into their little street.

  ‘The post office,’ Jane said.

  ‘Yes,’ said Adam.

  Paul asked, ‘Are they real bastards? Do they try to grind you down, as though you’re a little cog in the giant machine?’

  ‘It’s clerical work, so ... it’s the post office.’

  They pulled up outside the flats.

  ‘Take the food in, Paul,�
� she said and turned to look at Adam.

  Paul stayed.

  ‘Thanks for the ride,’ said Adam. ‘Sure beats the bus.’

  ‘Paul, get out.’

  Adam started to open his door.

  ‘Wait,’ she ordered Adam. ‘Wait, Adam. I’ll be right in, Paul.’

  Paul got out of the car, carefully carrying their dinner.

  Jane said, ‘It must be exciting.’

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘It must be exciting where you work.’

  Adam looked at her to see if she was teasing. She didn’t look like she was. It looked like she was trying to crack onto him.

  She said, ‘Being at the hub of all that communication. The holder of so many people’s ... important things.’

  ‘It’s the post office!’

  ‘To think you live right next door.’ She leaned over the seat and touched Adam on the arm.

  Paul was outside, hovering.

  She said, ‘Listen, do you think you could show me round one night? I’d love to see how such a huge thing works.’ She licked her lips and looked down at Adam’s crotch.

  ‘I’m sorry. There’s a lot of security and stuff. People send cheques and valuables. A civilian – no.’ Adam scrambled out of the car.

  Jane turned to Paul who was standing by her window. She said, ‘That’s what I thought.’

  Adam leaned in and grabbed the covered birdcage and dragged it out.

  Paul said, ‘What about wrongly addressed mail?’

  Adam looked at him.

  ‘Another time,’ said Jane.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Adam asked Paul.

  ‘Nothing,’ said Paul. ‘See you round, dude.’ Paul went back to the car.

  Adam got a couple of steps up the path carrying the birdcage when he turned and said, ‘Did Howard send you?’

  They didn’t hear. They seemed to be arguing.

  ***

  ‘This will be your new home,’ said Adam, unlocking the door to flat two. ‘I hope you like living with us. Chris,’ he called, turning on lights. ‘I’ve got a surprise for you.’

  ‘Please, no more bells.’

  Adam took the birdcage over to Chris’s table. ‘Must be lonely here all day. I thought you’d like a little company.’ Adam whisked the cover from the new bird’s cage with a flourish like a conjuring trick.