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by Ron Elliott

  ‘And so, I was the distraction for the police.’

  ‘Sorry about that.’

  ‘It took a great deal of explaining, you know.’

  ‘I knew you’d be good at that.’

  ‘And chastising. I was chastised in a number of countries and at many levels.’

  ‘Sorry. Was there spanking?’

  ***

  Dave made the phone call from the Isle of Skye while he waited to board a fast freighter heading towards Fremantle. Lewis had taken him in his fishing boat, happy to see the back of Dave Kelly.

  ‘I only just managed to get away myself, Inspector Colley.’

  ‘But ye saw her take the diamonds.’

  ‘Absolutely. She either has them or knows who now has them.’

  There was more talking in the background of a hotel in Ullapool where the police had set up their headquarters.

  ‘Is this the woman who was in Amsterdam?’ said Colley when she got back on the line.

  ‘Yes. The one on the barge.’

  ‘We have video, apparently.’

  ‘She may be going by the name of Julie Lansky. She uses aliases, apparently.’

  ‘You’re such a hypocrite.’

  ‘Oh, aye.’

  ‘What about Dewar?’ said Colley into the phone.

  ‘I think he was a go-between. Like Ken. And me. Caught up in it.’

  ‘That makes no sense, Ken. Campbell and Karushi were ordered to kill you in the forest.’

  ‘Did I say that? I might have misunderstood. My stomach was playing up. Anyway, I heard her say Montenegro. There aren’t panthers there, are there?’

  ‘Very good work. We’ll clear this up when we debrief you, Ken.’

  ‘Well yes, of course, Inspector. I’m near Edinburgh now. Shall I drop in?’ Dave disconnected the phone. He turned to head up the gangway stairs and to sail as far away from the police as possible.

  ‘Ship. Hmm. Very slow.’

  ‘Twenty-eight days. A lot of sleep. And a lot of cards.’

  ‘Don’t tell me you won.’

  ‘We only played for matchsticks.’

  ‘And back in Scotland they had time to salt the mine.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And set the other things up.’

  ‘A lot of it had been set up already. But timing is everything ... apparently.’

  Dave offered Terry the last chip on his plate.

  Terry shook his head and looked back at the pile of money. ‘What you want to do is totally illegal.’

  ‘Compared to diamond smuggling and nearly getting murdered in a forest, a bit of share plumping seems kind of mild. Isn’t that what the big end of town always does?’

  ‘They don’t get caught. I mean converting this many pounds into Australian dollars could be tricky enough.’

  ‘Naw, you’re right. You don’t have to do this, mate.’ Dave went to the hotel window and tried to find sky above the bigger buildings around his hotel.

  Terry said, ‘Only, without someone who knows a bit about shares, none of it will work.’

  ‘Well there’s that. It’s all betting though isn’t it? Instead of Wandering Lark, it’s Kershader Mining. To win.’

  ‘You never win, Dave. You know that, don’t you?’

  ‘I’m on a roll. Ride it all the way, I reckon.’

  ***

  Terry introduced Dave to his broker Ed via telephone then headed to the stock exchange. Dave’s plan centred on deniability, for everyone involved. So Ed, in Sydney, didn’t know Dave. And Terry was not logging onto computer accounts, as he pointed out he could do, but watching the televisions in the stock exchange foyer. The television screens were there so that old folks could watch their superannuation funds dwindling without bothering the big players who were busy inside watching Greece plunder their funds.

  Dave had three new mobiles lined up on the table in the hotel room. He’d put labels of gaffer tape on each one. Terry, Ed, Deidre. He’d opened a Stella from the bar fridge.

  The Terry line rang. When Dave picked it up, Terry said, ‘Kershader isn’t on our board yet, but it won’t be until it starts to do something. Now, dangle the first bit of bait. Not all of it.’

  ‘Yep, I got ya. It’s the opposite of laying off bets around different tracks.’

  Dave picked up the Deidre mobile. ‘You still there, my lovely?’

  ‘Aye, Dave.’

  ‘Missing you already. Um. One two three, go.’

  Dave rang Ed on the Ed phone. ‘Account 432 here. I want you to use half the money in that account to buy shares in Kershader Mining. Scottish company. Um, London Stock Exchange.’

  There was clicking and keyboard tapping on the other end. Finally Ed came back on the line. ‘That’s a lot of shares, Mr MacFergus.’

  ‘Good. I reckon it’s going to do something.’

  ‘What have you heard?’

  ‘Not allowed to say if I have, am I?’

  Dave clicked Ed off and picked up the Terry phone. ‘What’s happening, brother?’

  ‘Too soon mate and what you put in is too little to start anything. Has the Scottish end started?’

  ‘Yep, and we’ve bought about fifty thousand shares, I’d say.’

  ‘Yeah, well the whole thing depends on your Fotheringham getting on this, you know. Millions need to play. Not just the local villagers.’

  ‘That’s Dewar’s job.’

  Dave heard noise from the Deidre phone. ‘Is anything happenin’ yet?’

  ‘Hello darlin’. Not yet, but Terry says it’s like fishing. Gotta wait till the fish notices the bait. Your folks buying?’

  ‘In dribs and drabs, although Dewar has more.’

  ‘Keep by the phone, Deidre. When we go to dump it all, I don’t want your neighbours being left hanging.’

  ‘Ah’ll look after them.’

  ‘We’re up,’ called Terry. ‘We’ve made the Commodities screen. Trading on the ASX and London.’

  ‘What we worth?’

  ‘Up from twenty cents to thirty-three.’

  ‘Doesn’t sound like much,’ said Dave.

  ‘Do the maths. The company has to be trading at about a million before they’d list them, you know. Anyway, it means Fotheringham is on, but he’s just dangling his own bait. We got to wriggle a bit in the water. Buy.’

  Dave dialled the Ed phone and picked up Deidre’s at the same time.

  ‘Hey girl. Hey?’ There was noise and shooshing at the other end. ‘Not alone?’

  ‘In the pub.’

  ‘Okay. Buy buy buy. I always wanted to say that.’

  ‘Everything.’

  ‘Throw everything at it so he panics into buying them cheap.’

  ‘Hello?’ said Ed.

  ‘Account 432. Please spend all the rest of my money on Kershader Mining.’

  ‘Hey, it’s going up fast. You do know something.’

  ‘Buy please at whatever price it is. Bye.’

  Dave clicked off.

  ‘Terry?’

  ‘It’s moving up but not fast. It’s at forty-one cents. Maybe you should sell. That’s double now.’

  ‘Hold your nerve, mate.’

  ‘Forty-three. Big jump. Sell, mate. It’ll lose momentum.’

  ‘A bit more, Terry.’

  ‘Dave, fucking sell, now.’

  ‘Forty-five cents?’

  ‘It’s forty-five cents. Sell the fucking shares.’

  Dave buttoned off Terry.

  Dave called Ed. ‘Account 432.’

  ‘Yes, Mr MacFergus.’

  Dave picked up the Deidre phone and he yelled into both phones, ‘Sell. Sell everything.’

  Dave buttoned off Ed. He said, ‘You hear me, Deidre?’

  ‘Oh, aye my love.’

  Dave buttoned off Deidre. He danced to the hotel bar fridge. There was whisky. ‘It’s after drinking time in Scotland.’

  One of the mobile phones was ringing. Dave went over. He picked up Terry.

  ‘Dave, I told you to sell
!’

  ‘I have.’

  ‘The price is still rising.’

  ‘Doesn’t matter to us, does it?’

  ‘Well, if everyone jumped off, then the price would fall suddenly and Fotheringham would get caught. That was your plan, wasn’t it?’

  Dave rang Ed. ‘Ed, it’s um, whatever the MacFergus account is. Sold?’

  ‘Tidy morning’s work, Mr MacFergus. One hundred and eight thousand dollars. You would have made much more if you’d stayed in. I’m filling out the CHESS now.’

  ‘Ta.’

  Dave rang Deidre. ‘Deidre, I said sell. Did you hear me say sell, now before it drops?’

  ‘Ah’ll get her,’ said Dewar.

  There was cheering and glass clinking.

  ‘Dave,’ she said, like a cancer doctor.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Well, the way it was was this. Lord Fotheringham explained that we could make a lot more money if we dinae dump him in it.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Dave.

  ‘Dave?’

  ‘But, I set this whole thing up so you could get your revenge on him. For your dad. And, you know – get the English.’

  ‘And we thank ye for it. The names Dave Kelly and Ken mean a lo’ in this wee croft. But Dave, we had a wee choice. A lot of revenge an’ a wee bit o’ money. Or lots of money. It’s 2010 for fook’s sake, no’ 1746.’

  ‘Ah.’

  ‘If ta sun shines, ye stand in it, Dave. Ah’ll never forget ye, y’know. Got tae goo, we’re aw sellin’ when it hits fifty p.’

  Click.

  Dave sat in the empty hotel room wondering why he felt like he’d lost again.

  ‘Poor Dave.’

  ‘Yes, the universe’s victim.’

  ‘I think you’re a victimless crime.’

  CHESS stood for Clearing House Electronic Sub-Register System, Terry had explained when Dave wanted to collect his money.

  Terry said, ‘I mean the diamond salting will be discovered. You could ring your police mates and give them a tip. Teach that girl a lesson.’

  ‘Not the first girl to break my heart, Terrence. Naw. Let the chips fall, I reckon. I might keep a bit of a low profile, police-wise. Stay in my own backyard.’

  ‘And stop shitting in your own nest?’

  The three-day wait to see if anything dodgy had transpired before the stock exchange released the funds made Dave sweat. The sweating could have been caused by Terry’s un-air-conditioned garage where Dave camped. Dave could not afford to be seen anywhere around town. Dave could not go into Terry’s house because he had been persona non grata with Judy, Terry’s wife, ever since Sally, Dave’s wife, had left him some five years before, which seemed unfair to Dave, seeing as Judy and Sally and most of Dave’s own family thought that was the best thing for Sally and the kids – by a long shot.

  Dave made only one phone call.

  ‘Brigadier, it’s Dave. Um, Ken, Angus MacFergus.’

  ‘Ah, yes.’

  ‘I couldn’t get Inspector Colley.’

  ‘No. Bit of a demotion there.’ Van Shooten’s voice dripped with prideful satisfaction.

  ‘Or Bruce.’

  ‘Has decided to stay in Britain. Love apparently.’

  ‘Is grand, I hear.’

  ‘Malcolm is back in Australia. I have his number. Soon to be Senior Sergeant, I believe. Where are you?’

  ‘Um, well, if you recall things were very free flowing and I had to run. To save my own life.’

  ‘Yes. Rather a debacle from the Scottish end. But your tip concerning the Australian woman proved partly correct. An insurance investigator.’

  ‘Fancy that. Not the criminal mastermind at all?’

  ‘Nothing to do with the Pink Panther jewel thieves, but she blew the entire operation.’

  ‘She’s very beautiful.’

  ‘Well, yes. That is rather beside the point isn’t it?’

  ‘You didn’t say that, Dave.’

  ‘I did. I’ve said it to many people, each time I tried to explain you.’

  ‘Hmm. Okay, but what did you say after that?’

  Dave said to the phone, ‘So, Brigadier, am I in the clear?’

  ‘The gems have been returned. A storm in a teacup, as the English say. Don’t come back to the Netherlands, Mr Kelly.’

  Click.

  Dave watched cricket, a game designed to be watched by someone hiding in a garage for many days. Australia weren’t any good anymore, but it was much more fun now that they were no longer invincible. Although Dave did miss Warnie. He emptied Terry’s old beer fridge. He fixed Judy’s old vacuum cleaner and tidied up Terry’s tool wall and repaired a number of very large plastic water-shooting mega-pistols for Terry’s kids.

  Finally, Terry brought a briefcase full of Australian dollars. Dave counted out eight thousand and pushed it across the workbench at Terry.

  ‘What’s this?’

  ‘Consultancy fee, mate. Um, and for the beer. Look, hasn’t even made a dent in the pile. Hey, I can buy back my half of the office furniture.’

  ‘I thought you knew. That job’s not there anymore.’

  ‘Oh. Well, never liked it anyway.’ Before Terry could say no to the money, not that he necessarily would have, given the considerable grief Dave had given him over the years, Dave walked out of the garage and down the drive to look for a taxi.

  ***

  Daryl and Tiny were in the outer office playing games on their iPhones when Dave walked in.

  ‘You,’ said Daryl, jumping up.

  ‘Whoa boys. I’m cashed up. Mungo!’

  Tiny patted him on the shoulder. ‘Good on yer, Dave.’

  Mungo looked angry until Dave opened the briefcase. He looked even less angry as Dave counted out twenty thousand dollars. ‘Here’s the vig,’ he said.

  Dave counted out more, watching Mungo watch the pile. ‘I’m stopping at thirty thousand,’ said Dave.

  Mungo nodded. ‘Your line of credit is back open, Dave.’

  ‘We’ll see, Mungo. It seems I’ve lost the passion.’

  ***

  Dave went around to his ex-wife’s house and met Kevin, her jockey husband, out on the median strip. Sally and a variety of court orders forbade Dave to come within thirty metres of the house.

  ‘When your horse comes in, Dave, it comes in,’ he said in his thin jockey voice, watching Dave count out fifty thousand dollars.

  ‘These are all the back payments and a few future ones, Kev.’

  ‘I can see that, Dave.’

  ‘I’d like to start seeing the kids, Kevin.’

  Kevin studied Dave before he nodded a promise. ‘I’ll talk to her.’

  Dave closed the briefcase.

  ***

  And carried it into the Cash Converters.

  Trish Fong left a couple eyeing diamond rings and came to him. ‘Dave, where have you been? I’ve missed you.’

  ‘All over the world, Trish.’

  ‘Yeah, right. You haven’t been in jail have you?’

  ‘I have.’

  ‘Ha, yeah right. Please tell me you haven’t got more diamonds in that briefcase.’

  ‘I’m not selling, Trish. I’m buying. How much for all my stuff back?’

  ***

  Dave shouted goodbye for the tenth time to Trish’s favourite removalists as they both headed off with an extra beer each.

  He turned and looked at his flat, full of stuff, electronic, electrical, white and furnishing. He’d even picked up a new flat screen and a lava lamp and a neon light that could flash: OPEN.

  He opened his fridge and surveyed the food and beer he owned. He took a Heineken and upended the briefcase. It was empty. He went through his pockets and counted out sixty-four dollars and silver.

  There was a knock on the door. Dave took a knee-jerk reaction step towards the bedroom window before relaxing. He laughed. ‘I don’t owe anyone anything.’

  ‘It was me.’

  ‘Yes.’

  Margaret stood outside the door.
She seemed as surprised as Dave felt.

  ‘So, you really do work for Telstra.’

  ‘Ah, not anymore apparently.’

  ‘Aren’t you going to ask me in?’

  ‘Sure Julie, Margaret, Cheryl.’ Dave stepped back.

  She came in. ‘Thankyou Angus, Ken, Dave.’

  ‘I’ve got beer,’ he said.

  She went into the kitchen, straight to the fridge and got herself a Stella. She said something in excited Spanish as she opened the beer. Then, in English, ‘You put me in a spot in Amsterdam.’

  ‘I can explain that.’

  ‘I look forward to it.’

  ‘I needed a little time.’

  She shrugged and took the best chair in the room, rocking back so her skirt rose up rather nicely to her knees. ‘The clients got most of their diamonds back. That was the job.’

  ‘Everyone is happy. How did you find me?’

  ‘I actually wasn’t looking for you. Well, not international amazing super spy, you. I have another case. It appears that one of our clients lost a diamond bracelet. Last seen near a cheeky Telstra worker. He was in her apartment, placing bets and proposing rough sex.’

  ‘Oh. I’m sure he wasn’t proposing it be rough. He’s very gentle.’

  ‘Hmm.’

  ‘Actually, there’s a bit of a story about that.’

  ‘I’m so looking forward to hearing it. And getting the bracelet back.’

  ‘You see, Dave was in the middle of nowhere, only it wasn’t nowhere. It was the outback. Dave Kelly was in the outback because of the lady. Your lady.’

  ‘Are you going to tell me this story talking about yourself in the third person?’

  ‘Yes. It seems more objective that way. Don’t you think?’

  Julie sipped her beer.

  Hoping to survive another night, Dave told the story, from somewhere in the middle.

  RANDOM MALICE

  By the pricking of my thumbs

  –Second Witch, Macbeth

  The roulette wheel is spinning. The ball rolls fast against the wheel.

  Amis watches Teddy.

  Teddy watches the ball. Teddy sweats. His ruddy face glistens. He looks down at his large pile of chips, all on black. Teddy licks his lips. Not anticipation. Amis knows. It is fear. Everything is on black. Everything he doesn’t own. And the ball keeps running round the edge of the large wheel making that endless pillatiky rolling sound. Teddy closes his eyes. Bows his head.