Trusting Nicole

by Muriel Garcia

  “You’re not going to like it.”

  “Let me guess. You want to know what happened to my hands and want me to open up.” I’m glad at least he’s not saying it in a nasty way or upset about it.

  “Yes. Spot on. I just wish you would trust me. That’s all.”

  “I trust you. Never doubt that. I just don’t you want to think less of me because of my past.”

  “Why would I do that?” I stroke his cheek.

  “I’m not a good man, Kitten.”

  “Yes, you are.”

  “No, I’m not. I’m far worse than your brothers.”

  “What do you mean? What are you talking about?”

  He hesitates. “If I tell you, you’ll never want to see me again.”

  “How about you let me be the judge of that?”

  “I’m not willing to risk losing you.”

  “So you’d rather lie to me about everything than be upfront and honest with me?” I ask him in total disbelief.

  “I suppose.”

  “Great.” I sigh and go inside. I knew I should have dropped it and kept my fucking mouth shut.

  “I want to tell you, but I can’t bring myself to.”

  I’m going to hate myself for what I’m about to say to him, but the words leave my mouth before I can stop them.

  “I’ve had men lie to me before, some of them were even pretty decent guys, but in the end they were still dishonest about the things that mattered most. I’m giving you the opportunity to be a better man and be honest with me, or you can be a coward like the rest of them. What will it be?”

  CHAPTER 10

  Jason

  I look at her, stunned. Talk about an ultimatum.

  Jenny gave me a few but I never caved or really cared. This time, I have so much more to lose. I walk around her in the kitchen, take a bottle of whiskey, two glasses and two beers. I lock the door, turn off the lights downstairs and head upstairs with Nicole following close behind. All that without saying a word. I don’t trust myself not to snap at her for no reason, she deserves to know, I just hate being put on the spot.

  She looks at me in confusion when we reach her bedroom, no doubt thinking I just want to fuck her. Sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment. I pull the covers back and help her onto the bed, open up the beers and hand one to her. I join her in bed and look up at her.

  “You want the short version or the long one?” I say before I change my mind.

  “The long one.”

  “Why did I even ask?” I chuckle without humor. She holds my hand in hers. Her perfect porcelain hand against my tanned battered one.

  “It all started when I was four and I saw my parents being murdered.”

  “Wait. What?” She looks at me eyes wide open, obviously not expecting this kind of opener. Always start with a bang right?

  I nod. “I don’t remember much about that day. We were having dinner at the dining room table as usual. We didn’t have many traditions but one thing we always did was have dinner together. No matter what happened, we’d make time to have at least half an hour together every day. That night was like any other, nothing out of the ordinary. We were almost done eating when the doorbell rang. It wasn’t unusual for our neighbor to come ask for something around dinnertime. She was a single mother trying to raise her four kids and she more often than not would forget to get pasta, rice, sugar or something else and Mom would always give it to her. This time wasn’t like the others though.

  “Mom came back in the kitchen but she wasn’t alone and she wasn’t with our lovely neighbor. Two armed men were with her, to this day I still don’t know what they wanted from my parents. I can’t remember what was said, it was so long ago and I was so young, but the next thing I know Dad is arguing with the men and one of them is holding a gun against Mom’s temple. I remember being a crying mess and Dad yelling at me to go upstairs, but I was frozen to the spot. One of the two men yelled at Dad that he had messed with the wrong person or something like that and then he shot Dad and then Mom. They both fell to the ground, Mom fell on top of the table, pulling the table cloth down with her. The food went everywhere, mixing with her blood.

  “I stood there, crying silently, begging for Mom to wake up but it didn’t happen. The two men left me there, in the middle of the kitchen with my dead parents. I remember sitting on the floor and waiting, all the while clutching my teddy in my arms and crying. I was just four. I had no idea what to do and no one to go to. I was lost and soon realized that it wasn’t a nightmare, that it was my reality, that I just witnessed my parents get killed and never got to say goodbye to them. I don’t know what happened to their bodies. I don’t know where they are buried and it still kills me to this day that I wasn’t able to do anything to save them.

  “I sat on the kitchen floor for hours until I heard noise from the front door. Someone came in and kneeled down in front of me. They picked me up and took me with them. That man is the one you talked to on the phone today. He took me back to his place and basically raised me. To this day, I still don’t know why, I don’t know how he knew I was there on my own and I don’t know why he took me under his wing and raised me like I was his son, but he did. I’m both forever grateful to him and hate him at the same time.

  “My parents were very loving and caring, with Sergei, it was the opposite, there was no love. I had no idea what his job was but he was always home, always shouting at one person or another, giving his orders. I guess it was better than being in foster care or living on the streets. When I turned fourteen, I was home alone one day or so I thought. I wanted to explore the place. I mean the house was huge, a real mansion with more rooms than he could ever need. The upstairs was pretty normal, a bunch of bedrooms and bathrooms, offices and closets, things like that, nothing out of the ordinary except for two rooms that were locked up. One was Sergei’s office and the other one I never found out about. I never was able to pick the lock, which still drives me insane to this day. It requires a code and I don’t know it.

  “Downstairs was pretty much the same. I did find a door that was locked. I had started to pick locks with the help of Nikolai, one of Sergei’s men. I picked that one and walked down stone stairs. They led to the basement but it wasn’t your usual basement. There were a couple of rooms and like upstairs, most of them were unlocked except one. I took my chance and picked the lock. I wish I hadn’t. When I walked in the room, all I saw was blood tainting the walls and the floor. There was a single chair in the middle of the room and metal binds attached to it. The back wall was covered with an assortment of weapons. Guns, knives, machetes, pliers, shears, anything that could be used to torture a man. That’s when I found out what and who he really was.

  “Unfortunately for me, I heard a noise behind me and I didn’t have time to get out of the room so I hid in a small corner room and hoped no one would find me. You’ve guessed with the luck I’ve had, I was caught. They were shouting at each other in Russian, no doubt debating what to do with me. Nikolai wanted to lock me up in my room until they’d be able to talk to me and calmly explain things, he was always the voice of reason even though he was teaching me how to pick locks and shit like that. Vladimir wanted to kill me, saying that I’d run my mouth at school and get them exported and handed back to Russian government. Sergei didn’t want to hear any of it. He said he had a better idea. Not sure if it was better, but it was the first time he had me hurt someone.

  “I was a little fucker and I couldn’t do much damage at that time but he gave me a knife and told me to cut up the man that was there until he would speak. I didn’t want to do it at first, I wasn’t like that, I wasn’t a bad kid. I just wanted to live a normal life, but they had other plans for me. They told me I owed it to them for the ten years they let me stay with them and if I didn’t comply, they would do the same thing to me next and let me die. I was scared and didn’t want to die, so I did it. They gave me the choice to live like them or die. I chose to live. I started to cut that man’s arm, apologizing
every single time the blade cut through his skin and every time I did, I would get slapped or punched. They said I shouldn’t apologize, that he was the bad man and that I was righting a wrong.

  “It was hard, but I kept doing it. For hours I cut that man up until he lost consciousness. They’d make me wait for a while and then get back to it. I tortured that man for ten hours straight. He ended up confessing his crimes with his last breath. Sergei, Nikolai and Vladimir were proud of me but I was disgusted with myself. That was the first time, but not the last. I’ve been down those stairs so many times since then.”

  “Is that where you were today and why your hands are like that?”

  I nod. “Yes. He wanted me to get the truth out of someone and I did as I was told.”

  “Why are you still doing it for him? You’re a cop, you could get him locked up, even though he saved your life, he shouldn’t have made you do those kinds of things,” she says confused and agitated.

  “There’s more to it. After that first time, he had me train with Nikolai. Martial arts, boxing, shooting, anything that can be used to hurt and kill, I was learning it. I got bigger and better at it every day. At first I didn’t want to do it but then I started to enjoy it. I was enjoying inflicting pain onto someone. I sometimes imagined the men were the ones who killed my parents, it made it easier. Sometimes, I just enjoyed doing it. I enjoyed hurting and torturing people to get the truth out of them. If they wouldn’t talk, I’d kill them. Always the same way. A bullet to the head. I’d face them and shoot, making them look me in the eyes so I would be the last thing they’d see. I don’t know why it was important to me, or still is, but I still do it. Even if they tell us what we want to know, they never make it out of that room alive.

  “When I turned eighteen, Sergei sat me down and told me he was part of the Russian mafia and an important man amongst them. That’s the only time he ever mentioned it and openly talked to me about it. That day, I had two choices. I could either leave the house and sort my life out on my own, a fresh start with nothing to my name or any money, or stay with him and work for him. The decision was easily made. I started to work for him. I didn’t even think about the first option. I was cocky, stupid and had all the money I wanted, along with countless women. Whenever he’d have parties at his place, he’d have girls for me and I could take my pick and fuck whomever I pleased. It was any teenager’s wet dream.

  “The day after my eighteenth birthday party, we sat down and talked about what working for him entailed. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. He told me I’d still be doing what I had been doing up until then, but would also have outside jobs. I dealt drugs and took people away who either owed him money or knew things he needed to know, thinking about it, I’m as bad as the Disciples are.” I sigh with realization.

  “Don’t you dare compare yourself to those scumbags,” she shouts at me.

  “I am. I had a choice. I made the choice to do all these things.”

  “You’re not. You did it out of loyalty to the man who brought you up. They do it just for the sake of doing it.

  “I enjoy torturing and killing people,” I tell her without any trace of emotion in my voice.

  “Because you’re under Sergei’s thumb.”

  “What?”

  “Would you still do it if you weren’t still working for him?” she asks me calmly.

  It takes me a moment to realize it. “Probably not.”

  “See. You’re nothing like them.”

  “Why are you being so understanding?” I look at her, confused.

  “Because we’ve got a lot more in common than you imagine. Gabe and Aleck had to do the same at some point with some asshole from another club or someone who owed them money or whatever. I grew up in that type of lifestyle. I’ve seen men get beaten up and killed. As sad as it is, it doesn’t faze me anymore.” She shrugs, her voice void of emotions, making me wonder what shit she’s seen and been through. “Continue.” She pecks my lips and pours us some whiskey. We both down it and I get back to telling her the story of my life.

  “For the first few months, that’s all I did but then he started to ask me to infiltrate a gang or an MC to get information that’d be valuable to him or one of his clients. I didn’t mind doing it. It was a nice change for the most part, I didn’t have to kill anyone until he called me back to do his dirty work. Fast forward a couple of years, one of his clients needed intel that would only be available from cop files. I tried to hack into their system but I’m not a computer genius, so I had to find a way to become a cop.

  “Every single thing that’s in my file is fake besides my name, never went to the academy, never passed any of those tests, nothing. I was good at conning my way into their system and creating myself a past as an agent. My track records were so good that they didn’t question it when I came in for the job. Their current sheriff was too old to do a proper job and keep this town safe. They needed young blood to bring back security and work alongside him. They saw someone with a badge and a good file and hired me on the spot. I’ve been working there for six years along with working for Sergei.

  “They still don't suspect a thing. Well, except Lewis. She knows. She’s told me my secret was safe and hasn’t asked questions, but it’s weird knowing that she knows I’m not a cop. I’m surprised with the amount of hate I get at the station that no one has ever looked into me. Anyway, at first things were okay although I hated being a cop, wearing the uniform, running after the bad guys, covering tracks and getting rid of any evidence that incriminated Sergei or one of his men. But then it became useful, I could find information I needed to build a case against Sergei and hopefully one day, get out of the situation I was in. At that point I wanted out, but that soon changed.

  “That’s when I met Jenny and my plan backfired on me. Sergei wanted to set up a brothel. He had planned to snatch girls and had asked me to do it for him. He handed me pictures of the girls and where I could find them at certain times. All of them were girls he had asked me to investigate the whereabouts of previously. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but in hindsight, I regret doing it. Jenny was one of them. All the others were crackheads or prostitutes so they wouldn’t be missed if they weren’t on the streets anymore. Jenny however was a normal girl who had a job, friends and parents, a life of her own. I never understood why he wanted her and I didn’t want an innocent girl to fall into that kind of trap, so I told him I had taken a liking to her and that I was seeing her. I’m pretty sure he knew I was lying but wanted to see how far I’d be willing to go.

  “He did open up his brothel but without Jenny. All the girls loved it though, they were in a safe house, they were getting paid good money and could leave if they wanted. Only a couple left because they had fallen in love with one of their regular clients and they were replaced with more girls who came of their own free will. I hate knowing it’s there, but at least they are safe. My plan to save Jenny kinda backfired on me when she fell in love with me. We started to actually see each other and pretty soon, she told me she had fallen for me and wanted to be serious. I never told her about me working for the Russians, but she knew I was a ‘cop’. She said she was okay with it and with the weird schedule. I wasn’t around her much, but we were having fun. It was nice to have someone to go back to after a long fucked up day, but it never fully satisfied me. What we had was good, but it wasn’t as good as what you and I have. Before you say anything I’m aware that makes me a fucking asshole since I married her.

  “Anyway, things started to go downhill at the station, people started to suspect I was up to something because I was either always bruised up or hurt or late. I told some of them that I took part in underground fighting. Some of them wanted to come see me and some of them never bought it but at least they were leaving me alone. It was fucking insane and I was struggling to keep up with all the lies I was telling everybody.

  “After a while, Jenny asked me to move in with her because we weren’t seeing each other enough and that
she wanted to spend the little time we could have together in a place that we could make our own. I accepted and not long after that we got married. I felt obliged to propose as she was slowly starting to distance herself from the world. That’s when I met you. That night, you changed my life. I didn’t know what to do or think about my reaction to you and how I wanted to protect you from the consequences of what you did. I had to stay away from you, but I couldn’t. The more Jenny was shutting me and everybody else out, the more I needed to be with you. When she quit her job and stayed at home 24/7, I felt terrible, like I had pushed her away and that it was my fault. That’s why I stopped coming or calling you. I didn’t want to hurt Jenny, but I didn’t want to stop seeing you. The only happiness in my life was you, and still is.

  “She was slowly becoming a shell of herself and I had no idea what to do. It got worse when Ant walked into my office that day and told me about what Ayd had found out about her Dad and you know the rest with Michael and all that shit. Jenny never suspected that I led a double life, no one did and now I’m living a triple one. I’m lying to everybody and it’s getting too hard to handle. I’m sorry I kept all of this hidden from you and lied to you all these years. I couldn’t bring myself to lose you if you knew the truth. I hope you can forgive me one day.” I finish on a whisper and take a long swig of whiskey.

  Here goes nothing, she knows the entire truth. She knows how sick and twisted I really am and she’s never going to want me after this. She’ll never want to be with a man who is capable of doing such things. And even if she is, Gabe and Aleck, who am I kidding? The whole of the Last Hangman are going to fucking kill me. That’s what I deserve, to be tortured and killed the way I did to others for years.

  CHAPTER 11

  Nicole

  Well, fuck me sideways. I did not expect that.

  I look at Jase in disbelief. I can’t believe he went through this nightmare on his own and is still living it. I’m glad he’s finally told me. I get why he was so scared of telling me, of telling anyone, not a lot of people would understand. But what he doesn’t get is that Gabe and Aleck never would hurt him for what he did, well they might because we’ve had sex but other than that, they’d understand. They’ve had to do things to survive, all of them.