Healed

by J. S. Cooper

  “Since when have you been on his side?”

  “I’m not taking sides. I’m just saying that maybe everything is too black and white for you. That rarely works in life. You don’t just love one person and hate another. You don’t just fall in love in a day and you don’t fall in love in one day either. Emotions are complicated. The truth is complicated. Sometimes that grey area is where things need to be.”

  “I don’t want to be in that grey area. Not anymore.”

  “Lexi, last week you were overjoyed that Bryce was back in town and was inviting you to his party. Last night you were in my bed, telling me how much you love me. Forgive me when I say this, my dear, but you are the grey area.”

  I pulled away from him and jumped out of the bed, hurt. “How could you say that to me Luke? Do you think I’m some sort of slut?”

  He sighed deeply and stood up. “I’m not saying that, Lexi. I know you inside and out. I love who you are. But everything’s going so fast in your mind. In fact, I don’t even know what’s going on in your mind.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Yesterday I told you I loved you and you panicked. The next thing I know you’re in my bed, telling me you love me too. I want to know what caused the change.”

  “I realized that I loved you,” I mumbled, upset.

  “How?”

  “A butterfly told me.”

  “What?”

  “Nothing.” I pulled on my pants and I pushed past him. “I can’t believe we’re doing this now.”

  “Why, Lexi?” He grabbed a hold of my arm. “Why can’t we have this conversation? How did you go from Bryce being the love your life to me in less than a week?”

  “Do you want me to be with Bryce, Luke?” I turned around and shouted. “Is that what you want? He cheated on me, Luke, do you want me to be with a cheater?”

  “If he hadn’t cheated on you, would you be here right now, Lexi?” His tone was soft, silky, and smooth. It was only his eyes that belied the importance of this question to him.

  “I don’t know,” I whispered softly. “I don’t know.”

  “So there you have it,” he laughed roughly. “I’m really your second best.”

  “No Luke, you’re not. You don’t understand,” I cried out, trying to get him to understand. “Yes, I thought I loved Bryce. I’ve been infatuated with him since high school but I don’t really know him. I was in love with a dream. You are the guy for me, Luke. You are better than my dreams. I just didn’t realize it.”

  “But you realize it now Bryce cheated on you?”

  “Yes. No. I mean, that’s not what I mean. His cheating made me really examine my feelings and what I wanted out of life. Who I wanted.”

  “Forgive me, Lexi, but it still makes me feel like second best.”

  “You told me you weren’t upset,” I shouted at him. “You told me you didn’t care that I had slept with Bryce.”

  “It’s not about you fucking him, Lexi. It’s about us. Why can’t there be an explanation for an us that doesn’t involve him?”

  “Luke, please.” I felt the tears running down my face, and my breath came in little spurts. These are the ugly sort of tears, the ones that give you splotchy marks and weird breathing. The kind that you don’t want others to see.

  “What do you want me to say, Lexi?” He shook his head. “I can’t make your guilt and your pain go away. And neither can Bryce. None of us can fix you, Lexi. We can cover a hole, but eventually that cover is going to fall off. You have to fix yourself.”

  “I don’t need fixing!” I screamed. “I’m perfectly fine.” I fell to his bed, sobbing into the sheets.

  “No, Lexi. No you’re not.” He sat next to me and rubbed my back. “Maybe that’s why you and Bryce were both drawn to each other. You both have scars deeper than the eyes sight. But you’re going about it wrong. No one else can heal those scars, Lexi, only you can.”

  I turned around slowly then and looked at him through tear-drenched eyes. “That’s where you’re wrong, Luke. Love can heal all scars.”

  “That’s a fairytale, Lexi. Why can’t you grow up? Love can’t fix everything. No one is perfect.”

  “No one is perfect, Luke but I’m not looking for perfection. I love you because of everything you are. Who you are. I’ve always loved you. It just took a kick in the head to show me.”

  “Lexi, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” He looked worried and I leaned over and kissed him.

  “You don’t get it, do you, Luke? You’re not the problem. You will never be the problem.” I laughed through my tears. “Though that may not always be true. I’ve got some issues. I know that. I’ve never really gotten over some things related to my dad, but I don’t need to hide in my daydreams any more. You’re the most honest, wonderful human being I’ve ever met in my life and you are always here for me. You say love can’t fix everything, but I’m here to tell you that that’s not true. Your love has healed me. It has helped me to be confident and true to myself. My journey’s not over. No, it’s just beginning. But I am confident that I can complete it because I have you in my life.”

  “You must really love me.” He half smiled and I hit him in the arm.

  “You’re a goof, Luke Bryan.”

  “Do you love me enough to watch ‘Madea Goes to Jail’ right now?”

  “Are you joking me?” I laugh. “You are the only white guy, no scratch that, the only guy in the world who wants to watch Madea.”

  “She’s funny,” he laughs. “And if you pay attention, she has a lot of good wisdom.”

  “I’m not getting my wisdom from a man dressed as a woman.”

  “But you will from a butterfly?” He cocked his head and I pushed him onto the bed before slowly getting on top of him.

  “I’ll have you know that butterflies say the most incredible things.”

  “Like?”

  “Well,” I grinned at him and unbuckled his jeans. “I can’t do two things at once.”

  “Lexi, you know that I’m always here for you right? You don’t have to ever hide anything from me.”

  “I know and I feel the same.” I pulled his pants down and I see that he is ready for what I have planned.

  “I want you to know that I understand if there are things you can’t tell me.” He gasped as I pulled his boxers down and took him in my hands.

  “What was that?”

  “Nothing.” He grunts and lies back, allowing me to pleasure him in a way I had never known I would enjoy so much before.

  ***

  Sex makes you sleepy. I know, I know, that’s something I should have known from the movies or something. But as I stretched and reached out for Luke, I realized that he wasn’t in the bed. I heard him whispering and I lay still, trying to hear what he was saying.

  “Hey, yeah I saw Bryce at the hospital,” he sighed. “I see. Yeah, I thought he might be trying to plan something like that. You didn’t tell him anything, did you?” I saw him peak around the room and I closed my eyes quickly. “I don’t want anyone to know. I can’t do that, you know that. I think you should move forward. Okay. I’ll come to see you next week.” He hung up the phone quickly as my mind was scrambling. Why had he said that he had seen Bryce at the hospital? I thought he had seen him at a café or shop? Why would he lie to me?

  I felt my heart beating fast and I turned over as I felt him get into bed with me. He curled up next to me and I felt his arm come around my waist to fondle my breast. He moved up against me and spooned me and my body betrayed me by pushing back into him. I lay in his arms, wondering if I truly knew who he was. Who had he been talking to?

  I must have fallen asleep again, because I woke up a few hours later to the sounds of the TV.

  “Hey, sleepyhead.” Luke grinned at me. “Did I wake you up?”

  “No,” I yawned.

  “What do you want to do?”

  “I think I should go home.” I averted my eyes and slid out of the bed. “My mom’s most probably w
ondering where I am.”

  “Can’t you stay?”

  “I stayed over last night.” I pulled on my tee shirt quickly and he held up my bra.

  “Going braless?” He licked his lips.

  “Well I’m just going next door.”

  “You can go braless with me at any time.” He jumped up and pulled me towards him.

  “I’ll see you later.” I rushed out of the door and Luke followed me down the stairs.

  “Lexi, wait a sec.”

  I turned around and he kissed me. I melted against him and kissed him back, trying to fight back tears.

  “You know I love you right, Lexi?” He took my hands into his and rubbed them. The friction created a warm glow in me and I nodded my head. “There is nothing I wouldn’t do to make you happy.”

  “You’re lucky you know, Luke.” I looked around us. “Even though your parents aren’t rich with money, you’ve always had such a great upbringing, such a great happy family.”

  “I know. I’ve been very lucky to have gotten the parents that I did. Others aren’t always so lucky.”

  “Yeah, some people just shouldn’t be parents.”

  “Lexi, I want you to know I’m not going to go to Boston.”

  “But what about MIT?” I frowned as he changed the subject.

  “I’m not going to go. I don’t need the degree. I’m doing fine.”

  “But you’ve been so excited, Luke.”

  “I don’t want to leave you here.”

  “I can come with you.” I bit my lip and he shook his head.

  “That’s not your dream, Lexi. I can’t make you go to Boston.”

  “You can’t not go, Luke.”

  “We can talk about it later, okay?”

  “Fine.” I sighed. “We’ll work it out, but one thing I ask, Luke, is please never lie to me.” I leaned over and kissed him before I turned to leave. “Please never lie to me.”

  I walked out of the front door and I saw him standing there, watching me. He watched me with caged eyes and, as I waved at him, I realized that he had been right about one thing. The hole in my heart was still there. Our love hadn’t fixed the emptiness inside. It had only covered it up and now I wasn’t sure if I had made the right decision. I knew that I loved Luke, but at least Bryce had told me the truth about him and Anna.

  Chapter 8

  Bryce

  “I really wanted to adopt Bongo myself, but my dad said no more dogs.” Anna laughed as she told me stories about her pets and I smiled back at her eager look. It was refreshing to be with someone who had no agenda and was open and honest.

  “Bongo sounds like a handful.” I cleared my throat and coughed after I spoke.

  “I’m sorry.” She cleared her throat, nervously. “I didn’t mean to bore you.”

  “You’re not boring me.” I took her hand and squeezed it. “In fact, I appreciate you spending the evening with me.”

  “You’re easy to talk to. Like Eddie was.” She looked up at me with wide, innocent eyes. “He was a cool guy. You know, he always used to call me the prettiest tutor in the world.”

  “You really miss Eddie, don’t you?”

  “No one ever called me pretty before.” She stared at her fingers, blushing. “Not that I expect it or anything. I know I’m a bit of a plain Jane.”

  “But you’re gorgeous.” I protested quickly.

  Anna laughed and flicked her hair back. “You don’t have to lie. I know I’m a bit of a wallflower. But he really made me feel pretty.”

  My heart broke for her as she spoke. I’d never seen anyone with that little self-confidence before. Maybe she needed to trade a little with Suzannah, who had an over abundance of confidence.

  “You’re a good guy, Bryce. I never really saw what Lexi saw in you in high school, but I think I get it now.”

  “You think so?” I grinned and she laughed.

  “Well you know.” She shrugged. “You were always such a jerk. It was like you thought you were King of the school.”

  “Well break it to me easy, why don’t cha?”

  “Sorry. I’m not one to mince my words.” She laughed. “I supported Lexi and her crush, though. I wasn’t really worried because I never thought you’d be interested in her.”

  “She’s really liked me a long time, huh?”

  “Yeah.” She nodded her head, despondently. “I can’t believe I did that to her.”

  “Hey,” I grabbed her hands. “It took two to tango.”

  “I guess.” She looked away and I felt awful for making her feel bad.

  “Do you want another milkshake?” I slurped up the rest of my strawberry shake and she laughed.

  “With some chili cheese fries?”

  “You like chili cheese fries?” My mouth fell open.

  “With lots of onions on them!” She laughed. “I’m not the sort of girl who worries about her breath.”

  “That wasn’t what I meant.”

  “Farts?” She looked puzzled and I laughed even harder.

  “No. I meant most girls are watching their figures.”

  “Oh.” She joined in with my laughter. “I’m not worried about it.”

  “I can see why.” I looked her up and down and admired her figure. I wanted to kick myself as she blushed at my look over.

  “Have you spoken to Lexi recently?” I wanted to punch myself for asking after I saw the disappointment in her face at my question.

  “No.” She looked around the restaurant. “Did you want to ask me something about her?”

  “No.” I wracked my brain for something to say. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something else. Something Lexi can’t know about.”

  “Oh?” She frowned and looked at me with a disconcerted look. “You didn’t cheat with someone else as well, did you?”

  “No.” I frowned. Did she really think that lowly of me? For some reason it really hurt me to hear her ask that question. It was ridiculous that I should feel bad about it but I couldn’t stop the jab of pain that ran through me.

  “Okay.” She wiped her brow. “I was about to say.”

  “Do you want to know something? I feel like my mom is here with me.” I looked down, embarrassed at my honesty. I was scared that she would think I was crazy.

  “You do?” She leaned towards me.

  “Yeah. Does that sound strange? I feel like my mom is guiding me into doing something to change my life.”

  “That doesn’t sound strange. I talk to my mom every night.” She looked away quickly. “I hope you don’t think I’m crazy.”

  “I don’t.” I smiled at her gently. “I wish I could talk to my mom as well.”

  “She’s my best friend. I’ve never told anyone that before. Not even Lexi. I guess it’s ’cos you know how it feels.” She glanced at me quickly. “It’s really hard to lose a parent. I don’t think people get it until it happens to them.”

  “Does the pain ever go away?” I clenched my hands, determined not to cry. I’m a man, I shouldn’t let every little thing bring me to tears.

  “Not really. It lessens. But there isn’t a day that goes past that I don’t think of her. It gets hard sometimes, because I was so young when she died. I can’t always picture her face and it makes me scared, but then I just look at a photo.”

  “I think about my mom every minute of the day.” I looked into my shake. “There isn’t a moment that I don’t hear her voice or see her smile. She was the only one who truly loved me from day one.” My throat choked up and I looked away.

  “She’s not the only one who will ever love you though Bryce.” She grabbed my hand and squeezed. “I think you of all guys won’t have a problem finding love.”

  “You speak as though it’s in the future.” I laughed.

  “You speak as though she’s the only one who’s ever loved you.” She replied to the question not spoken and I nodded my head.

  “You know, Anna, you see yourself as a wallflower who no one sees and I see myself as the guy th
at everyone sees and no one really knows.”

  “You’re the guy everyone wants to be, Bryce.” She tapped her fingers against the table. “And the guy every girl wants to be with.”

  “Not if they knew what my life was really like.” I sighed. “No one would want to be me, or be with me, then.”

  “You have Lexi.”

  “I don’t know about that.” I sighed. “I don’t know if I ever really had her.”

  “It’s like you were made for each other. It’s the story we all want to believe when we’re in high school. The popular quarterback falls for the shy, studious one. Haven’t you seen the movies, Bryce? Your reality is everyone’s fantasy.”

  “But that’s the problem, Anna, don’t you see? This isn’t a movie and it’s not reality. We’re not in high school anymore. I’m far from the blonde jock that everyone wants to be with. I’m just a regular fucked up guy. I’m nobody’s Prince Charming. In fact, I’m more akin to the evil wolf.”

  “You’re one handsome evil wolf, Bryce Evans.”

  “But I’m still a wolf, Anna. I’m still a wolf.”

  “Yeah, maybe you are.” She smiled at me sadly and, once again, I was taken aback by her complete and utter honesty, even when she knew what she was saying may hurt me. I respected that about her.

  “So tell me Anna. Why me?” I cocked my head and licked my lips.

  “I suppose you think I’m the evil? The jealous kooky best friend.” She sighed. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I regret that night more than anything, it was a horrible thing to do. I’ve got issues with Lexi, but that wasn’t the way to deal with them.”

  “I don’t think you’re evil. I’m the last one to pass judgment on anybody.” She laughed then, an energized, deep, from the gut laugh and I was happy to see that she was no longer down on herself. “That makes me feel better, Bryce. You are the last person to judge me for what happened.” She wiped tears away from her eyes.

  “I want to ask you a question, Anna.”

  “Sure.”

  “Do you think I would make a good dad?”

  “A dad?” Her eyes widened. “Is this a random subject change or what?”

  “Yeah.” I laughed and leaned towards her.“Would you be happy if I was your child’s father?”