His Holiday Heart

by Jillian Hart

  He recognized that understanding look on his father’s face. He squared his shoulders, steeled his chest and did his best not to wonder if Lucy was still in the chapel. “You know me, Dad. Nothing is bothering me that a little hard work won’t cure.”

  “All work makes for a lonely man. I noticed there was something between you and Lucy.” Dad was sharper than he appeared. “You’ve got serious feelings for her.”

  “What I’ve got isn’t fatal. I’ll get over it.”

  “I was sort of hoping you wouldn’t. I got to know Lucy when she was over for Thanksgiving dinner. Dorrie loves her. The girls rave about her. She might have herself quite a career, but she seems like a down-to-earth girl to me. The sort that might make a very good and loyal wife.”

  “Where did you get an idea like that?”

  “The wife part or the down-to-earth part?”

  “Neither one matters to me.” He didn’t know why he had asked. “I’m a confirmed bachelor. I’m not going to be fooled by a fairy tale.”

  “You know I love you, Son, but you are as stubborn as they come. Dorrie says you get that from me. I don’t know about that—”

  “I agree. I’m not stubborn.” Spence tried to scowl but it came out a little like a grin.

  “Me either.” Dad’s smile was brief. “Let me tell you something. Real love is no fairy tale. Look what Dorrie and I have. It’s lasted over twenty years. I’m not saying we haven’t had our challenges, but at the end of every day one thing remains the same. I love her. She loves me. We are a team.”

  “You got lucky with Dorrie.”

  “How do you know Lucy won’t be lucky for you?” Dad cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable. “Look at the girls. Every one of them has been just as blessed. I can’t thank God enough for finding good, true men for my daughters. I pray that you will find someone, too. But you gotta open up. You gotta let someone love you. Just might be that if you do, you’ll get exactly what you want. What we’ve all been praying for.”

  “I’m happy with the way things are.” Spence watched disappointment slide across his dad’s face. “Sorry, but don’t waste your prayers on me.”

  “You are my son. Loving you and praying for you will never be a waste. I’m sorry for you. It has been my wish you would have a son one day so you understand how Dorrie and I love you. How much you have been loved all this time.” Dad stood. “Looks like everyone’s heading off to see the baby. Are you coming?”

  He shook his head. His father’s words were like bullets embedding deep. You gotta let someone love you. I’m sorry for you. It has been my wish you would have a son one day.

  A son. That was a lethal blow.

  “C’mon, Spence.” Rebecca was at his side. “Don’t you want to see your new nephew?”

  “No.” He frowned. He wanted to say “yes.” But the truth was, he didn’t know how he would handle it right now. His heart was with Lucy, always Lucy, beautiful, precious, loving Lucy.

  He wanted Lucy more than he wanted life. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for her—provide for her—protect her, take care of her all the days of his life. Simply thinking of her made joy rush through him like Christmas morning, and he longed for her love with every unused corner of his soul.

  “I’ll wait here. Let everyone else go ahead.”

  “I don’t know what’s going on with you, Spence.” Caring, that was Rebecca. “I’m usually pretty good at interpreting you, but you’re like steel. I can’t tell anything at all.”

  Steel, huh? He grimaced. Once he had thought being stoic and unfeeling was a good thing. Now, he was no longer sure. He wasn’t sure about anything. Everything he thought he knew and believed in seemed turned around, but he didn’t want to be steel, cold and without life.

  “I’ve got a lot on my mind is all.” He took a long look at his baby sister, all grown up with her soft brown curls and diamond engagement ring glittering on her left hand. Chad waited for her patiently at the doorway, ready to take her to the maternity wing just down the hall. Their wedding was next month. The last sister would be married.

  Where had the time gone? He wasn’t sure. The years kept going by, each one faster and busier than the next. His sisters had found love and life and were starting families. All he had left was loneliness and his fears.

  “You go on without me,” he said kindly. “Don’t worry about me, Becca.”

  “I can’t help it. I don’t want to leave you here all alone.”

  He looked around at the empty chairs and quiet room. He was alone. “Chad’s waiting for you.”

  She gave him a sad smile before she rose from the chair. Chad took her hand, and they walked away together, their silence somehow content and their loving bond unmistakable. Spence got to his feet, feeling choked by the emptiness around him and within him.

  The hallway offered no relief. Distant sounds echoed down the long stretch of corridor to his right. To his left were the double doors that led into the maternity area, but instead of his feet taking him there, they carried him to the hallway’s end, where a large sitting area was tucked into a corner surrounded by windows.

  The cold dark night drew him. He stood at the glass, looking past his own reflection to the snow-covered world outside. A lone figure was ambling down the walkway. He recognized that blue goose down coat and matching knit cap and hair the color of sunshine.

  Lucy. Tenderness melted him like spring. Peace came to him like heaven’s grace. He fisted his hands, steeled his willpower and forced his feet to remain rooted in place. He would not go running after her like some love-struck fool.

  She was heading toward the parking lot. Her head was down, her gait careful on the cement. Snow dappled over her. She seemed sad. He remembered how miserable she was when she had passed by him. Guilt assaulted him.

  It had been the sensible, rational decision to break things off, he reasoned. It was for the best. One day he would look back and be extremely glad he let her go, right?

  Right. If his heart wanted to cry out differently and if his soul felt defeated, then he could ignore that. He could stamp out every bit of feeling, every iota of grief and every last bit of love for her. Life was about hard work and responsibility, not dreams and not love. And if his vision was blurring, then it had nothing to do with Lucy. He was overcome with happiness for Katherine, that was it. Yes, he insisted, stubbornly. Lucy had no effect on him whatsoever.

  And so what if he stood watching, to make sure she made it safely to her car? It wasn’t because he cared. He was simply doing the right thing. There were criminals in the world, maybe not running rampant in the hospital lot, but it was better to be safe than sorry.

  He waited until she had slipped behind the wheel, had settled in and started the engine before he took his first step away. Instead of zipping out of the lot, she laid her arms on the steering wheel and buried her face. He was too far away to see her shoulders shake, but he could sense them. He could feel the tortured fall of each tear.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Katherine had fallen asleep by the time he’d wandered into her room. It was very late. Jack clapped a hand on his shoulder. “Can you believe it? It all turned out fine.”

  “You had about a million prayers helping.” Spence kept his voice low. There was a hospital bassinet by Katherine’s bedside. The baby was quiet, probably sleeping, too. “You sure had all of mine.”

  “Thanks. I know it will mean a lot to Katherine, too. I need to ask Dorrie something. Do you mind?”

  “I’ll hold down the fort.”

  After Jack was gone, he hesitated going outside the door. He hated to disturb Katherine, but he wanted to take a peek at the baby. His boots made faint squeaks on the tile floor as he circled over to the bassinet.

  Bundled in blue, the baby was asleep, tiny fists curled, round face relaxed, looking impossibly fragile. Right away he could see Katherine in him. That was her sloping nose and carved chin. Spence melted a little more. He was another little nephew to spoil and protect
and play ball with—not now, of course, but in time.

  “He looks like Dad, doesn’t he?” Katherine’s voice rasped, part whisper, part exhaustion.

  “Didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “You didn’t. I was resting. I can’t believe he’s here. The last nine months have seemed like forever, and suddenly, here he is. He’s too good to be true. But he is.”

  “Yes, he is.” Spence couldn’t get Lucy off his mind. The roads were awful. Someone in the family should have offered to take her home. “I’m glad you’re both okay.”

  “We’re more than okay. We’re all happy. Deliriously, perfectly happy.”

  That was what he had been praying for, for each of his sisters. He was grateful to God for answering those prayers.

  “I want you to meet John Spencer Munroe.” Katherine’s voice was pure love. “We named him after Dad and you.”

  “Me?” That was not emotion burning behind his eyes. Spence stubbornly blinked, struggling to make his heart stone once again. It was impossible. He used to be in control of his feelings. He used to be stone and steel. And now, look at him, all sappy with feelings. It was Lucy’s fault. Lucy, and nobody else.

  “Kath, that’s real nice of you and Jack.”

  “You’ve been a good big brother to me, Spence. You are always there for me if I need you.”

  “I’m always going to be.” It was a given. “You’re a pretty great sister, Katherine.”

  “You’re a pretty great brother.” Her eyes teared up, letting him know she heard what he couldn’t say. “I’m going to rest my eyes a little more.”

  “I’ll sit here until Jack returns.” Spence leaned back in the chair, lost in the shadows, listening to Katherine’s breathing slow. The baby started to flail his fists.

  “Hey there, John.” He whispered, leaning close to get a look at the little fellow. “You don’t want to wake your mom. You got a real good one.”

  The baby’s eyes opened and squinted up. He seemed surprised to see another human looking down at him.

  “I imagine this is all pretty confusing.” He scooted to the edge of the chair and offered the baby his thumb. Perfect, tiny fingers curled around it, holding on tight. “You have come to a very good place.”

  The baby yawned, so little and dear. Too many feelings to name crashed at the walls of his heart, like a flash flood tearing down a dam, leaving destruction in its wake. Dad’s words echoed above the rush. It has been my wish you would have a son one day.

  This was his future—welcoming nephews and nieces into the world, then going home to his empty house full of unoccupied rooms. There was never going to be his own son, no wife with Lucy’s smile, no one and nothing but emptiness. He would grow old that way, grumbling about the profit margin at the store, griping about errands that needed to be done, one long day after another.

  His vision blurred. That wasn’t how he wanted to spend the days of his life, miserly as if pinching moments like pennies, with no one to share it with. Nothing could be worse than never teaching a son to play basketball or never walking a daughter down the aisle. He couldn’t stand to think of a future without the comfort of Lucy’s love and Lucy’s laughter.

  The baby’s grip on his thumb tightened. Wide eyes gazed up at him, a little unfocused, and the little guy gave a hiccup. There was so much need in the baby’s grip that it tugged at Spence’s heart and tore it loose.

  A son. He wanted that with all his might. There was only one thing he wanted more: Lucy. Dad had been right. He hadn’t let Lucy in. He hadn’t let her love him. He had been too afraid. Panic began beating at him, and fear whispered in his soul. It had always been like that. He had always been certain he wasn’t lovable. But the truth was, his family loved him. Maybe, just maybe, Lucy could have loved him, too. But he had gone and ruined that. He thought of her crying in the parking lot. Yeah, he had ruined things.

  Now what do I do? He bowed his head, reaching out to the Lord. Do I have a chance to make this right with her?

  When he opened his eyes, there was only silence. No blaring answer from above. No indication heaven had heard him.

  “What do you think, John?” he asked the baby.

  The infant was no help. John’s eyes drifted shut and gradually his fingers loosened. What a nice little guy.

  Yep, he wanted one of those. He wanted a lot of things he had been too afraid to hope for. But had the Lord heard him? He sat in the darkness a long while and began to dream, just a little, of what his future could be. He imagined Lucy asleep in a hospital bed and their newborn son snoozing cozily in a bassinet. Tenderness broke him in pieces.

  There was only one truth he was left with: the shining, flawless love in his heart, his love for Lucy that nothing in this life could diminish.

  That was answer enough.

  It had been a tough night, and the morning wasn’t looking much better. Lucy waded down her driveway, battling the driving wind and drifting snow. She was so cold that her bones were beginning to freeze. Thanks to the mean winter storm, she found no delight in the falling snow.

  She was at the end of her mile-long driveway, but where was her car? Nowhere in sight. Only a white hump. Her poor car. She had parked it here last night, unable to battle the unplowed lane. Next winter she was buying a tank. Or at least one of those Humvee things the Army uses. Too bad she hadn’t thought to bring a shovel with her.

  Maybe she wasn’t in the best mood because she’d hardly slept a wink, thanks to Spence. Nothing had been worse than seeing him sitting in that waiting room like a statue, unaffected and uncaring, acting as if she wasn’t even there.

  She had been up since four in the morning, pounding out the ending to her book. Unlike Spence, the hero in her story had been able to find his heart. He realized that life meant living and not existing. It meant loving fully, as if loss could never happen. For love and everything good in this world is never truly lost. Love matters, life matters, and kindness matters above all.

  If only life was one of her stories. She thought of Spence, and anguish ripped through her like a lightning strike. She hated that she loved him so much. She wished she could stop the tides of affection that ran as vast as the ocean and twice as deep.

  The wind gusted, cruelly driving snow into her face. She took another step and sank up past her knees in a drift. Great. She pulled her leg out of the deep snow only to realize the drift had kept her boot.

  Super great. Maybe it was a sign from above that she should skip the Project Santa meeting. All the volunteers were meeting for a last-minute check to make sure they were on track, so it was important she showed up. The thought of seeing Spence again made her want to go back home and stay there.

  She reached into the snow and hauled up her boot.

  Before she could finish pulling it onto her freezing foot, a green pickup lumbered around the corner.

  Spence. She lost her balance and her sock hit the snow. The boot dangled from her hand as he rolled to a stop in front of her like a shining knight coming to her rescue.

  The window zipped down. “You look a little cold. Need any help?”

  Seeing his chiseled handsomeness and his solid goodness made her shatter all over again. “I don’t need your help.”

  “Looks like you need someone’s help.”

  “Not yours.” She fumbled with the boot in her hand and somehow wedged it onto her snow-caked sock. What she needed was for him to go away. She needed to get over him. She needed to find a way to stop the endless well of her love for him. What she needed was for him to let joy and love into his heart. The chances of that happening had to be nonexistent.

  His door swung open and he hopped down, moving toward her in that confident way of his. Oblivious of the pounding snow, his wide shoulders were braced, his jaw set, his mouth a tight hard line. He ground to a halt in front of her. “Katherine had her baby.”

  “I heard. Danielle called me late to say that everyone was fine.”

  He towered over her, as cold as the win
ter storm. Why was he doing this? Panic pummeled her like the wind. She didn’t want to hurt anymore. She didn’t want to feel the misery of loving a man who could not love her. Looking at him was killing her. He was every piece of her broken dreams. “Why are you here?”

  “We have to talk.”

  “About the project. I should have seen this coming. You’re going to kick me off the committee now, aren’t you?”

  “Uh—” He swiped the snow from his eyelashes.

  “It is the only reasonable solution. I understand why you’re doing it.” She looked even more sad. “At least most of the work is done. Mostly just the gift wrapping is left.”

  “I thought we were all getting together tomorrow night and having a wrapping party at my house.” Call him confused, but he had a lot on his mind. He gathered up his courage, prepared for rejection and tugged the ring box from his coat pocket.

  “Don’t forget the final catering approval,” she went on, talking fast, as if she couldn’t wait to get this done with and get far away from him. Or, he realized, maybe she was still hurting something fierce. “Someone has to get any last-minute gifts, if there’s an admission on Christmas day.”

  “Slow down, Lucy.” Kindly, he said the words. Gently, he took her left hand and tugged her glove off.

  “What?” Her eyes widened when she saw the ring. It was a flawless, two carat diamond surrounded by the finest sapphires money could buy.

  Terror hit him like an avalanche, but he held his ground. He steeled his courage and slid the ring onto her finger. “I’m sorry for how I treated you, Lucy. But I promise it won’t happen again. I don’t know if you can love me, but I love you. Deeply. Truly. Forever. I am and always will be committed to you. Will you marry me?”

  “You’re proposing to me?”

  “You look shocked. It’s all right, darlin’.” He pressed a kiss to her ring finger. “Do you want me to say all that again?”