If I Die ss-5

by Rachel Vincent

  Had Nash and I ever really gotten back what we’d had in the beginning, or had I just held on to him out of habit? Or some misplaced sense of loyalty?

  My voice came out thick and half-choked from holding back sobs. “I’m so sorry, Nash,” I said, hyperaware that there were at least a dozen people watching us, which meant there would be at least that many versions of this making the rounds the next day.

  Nash blinked, surprised and hurt, and I realized I hadn’t said what he’d expected to hear. Then defensive anger took over, and his irises churned with it as he turned on Tod. “You suck as a brother. Stay away from me, or I’ll kick your ass into the next life myself.”

  Tod exhaled slowly. “Nash, wait. I know you don’t believe me, but this isn’t what I wanted. Not like this.”

  “Whatever. This was inevitable, right? What difference does two more days make?” Nash said, and Sabine gave me a satisfied, almost respectful nod, like I’d orchestrated the whole thing just to please her. After all, she’d gotten what she wanted—now she’d be competing with the memory of a cheating ex instead of a tragically lost love. Nash glanced angrily at the crowd of spectators, then back at me and Tod. “Have a nice life—what little you have left.” Then he turned and stomped off with Sabine at his side.

  “Kaylee, I’m so sorry,” Tod said when they were gone, but his gaze kept flicking from face to face, and I realized he was uncomfortable being visible to this many people at once. He probably hadn’t felt so exposed since the day he’d died.

  “It’s my fault.” I blinked back unspent tears and glared at the onlookers, daring them to comment. “Don’t you guys have something to calculate?”

  Rebuked, the Mathletes wandered back to their club meeting, already discussing what they’d seen, and most of the solitary onlookers faked disinterest by digging in their lockers or loitering at the water fountain.

  “I have to check on Emma,” I whispered, trying to ignore the stragglers. “And you should probably go.”

  “Can I come by later? To talk?” Tod asked.

  “Yeah. That’d be…good.” I understood that what he’d done to Thane wouldn’t change the bottom line for me—I was still going to die. But I was convinced that this would change at least a few of the smaller details, like who my reaper would be, now that the chosen one was presumably out of the picture. And who knows, Tod might have even changed the location and timeline by a little bit.

  “Okay. I’ll see you later.” His arms hovered at his sides, like he wasn’t sure whether we should part with a hug or a hand shake. Or nothing at all.

  But if there was a protocol for how to say goodbye to your newly ex-boyfriend’s dead brother, right after you kissed him and probably sent your ex into the arms of his willing ex-girlfriend, I didn’t know what it was.

  “This isn’t one of the things they train reapers to handle,” Tod whispered in acknowledgment of the awkward circumstances, and I laughed in spite of eyes still damp from tears. But the last notes of my laughter sounded hollow.

  I’d ruined everything.

  “Later, then,” Tod said, and I laid one hand on his arm before he could disappear out of habit.

  “Walk this time,” I whispered, with a pointed glance at the sophomore watching us around her open locker door. “You’re visible.”

  “Oh, yeah.” He winked and took several steps backward, then shoved his hands into his pockets and spun on one heel.

  When he turned the corner—without looking back—I took a deep breath and mentally shoved the drama to the back of my mind, where it would no doubt fester until I had time to truly deal with it. Then I picked up the chemistry gear and started down the math hall, pointedly ignoring the stragglers. Mr. Beck’s door was closed, which meant he and Emma either hadn’t heard the spectacle or didn’t care enough to check it out.

  Either way, something was wrong.

  I dropped the gloves and glasses and grabbed my book bag—still lying by the door, where I’d left it—then backed up several steps and walked past the classroom, glancing through the window at just the right moment. Emma still sat in the teacher’s chair, but now Beck sat on the edge of his own desk, and they weren’t even pretending to do math anymore. He’d gotten bold and careless. Had losing Danica’s baby made him that desperate?

  I doubled back to pass the room again, and this time I stopped for a better look, because he had his back to the door. Em would have seen me if she’d looked up, but that clearly wasn’t going to happen. She looked practically enthralled.

  Emma laughed at something he said, and he leaned forward to brush a strand of hair over her shoulder. His hand brushed her cheek and lingered while she stared up at him, and anger flared to life inside me, burning just beneath my skin. He shifted slightly on the desktop, his left thigh flexing and relaxing, and it took me a second to understand what I couldn’t see very well from my current position—he was slowly swinging his left leg, running his calf back and forth against her outer thigh.

  Those flames of anger roared into a full-blown blaze, roasting me alive.

  I pulled the door open, and they both looked up. “Hello, Ms. Cavanaugh.” Beck smiled at me without bothering to stand, and Emma looked first confused to see me, then irritated that I’d interrupted, then surprised when she glanced at the clock over the door.

  Yup, she’d been charmed. Time to extract her from danger without looking like I knew she was in danger.

  “Hey, Mr. Beck.” Keep it light and casual, Kaylee. Nothing’s wrong, you’re just bored… “Can Em come out and play now?”

  “We’re kind of in the middle of a lesson. High scores in math are crucial if you want to get into a good college.”

  Scores, huh?

  I propped both hands on my hips, half flirt, half challenge, stealing a page from Emma’s playbook. “Mr. Beck, are you aware that recent studies suggest a link between math overload and a variety of unfortunate medical conditions including restless leg syndrome, mad cow disease and erectile dysfunction?”

  Beck burst into laughter. “I’ll be careful,” he said, still chuckling, and I had to remind myself that he was a predator. That whole “young, approachable teacher” act was like wearing camouflage in the woods—his prey would never see him coming.

  “Seriously, though, if you’re done with her…? We’re gonna be late to work,” I lied. Our shift didn’t start for another hour and a half.

  “You two work together?” Beck asked, finally standing to wave me into the room. I stepped inside and the door swung closed behind me, without the rubber wedge to hold it open. Emma and I were alone with Mr. Beck—and suddenly I had an idea. The kind of idea I would never have even tried if I had more than two days to live, or any dignity left, after the spectacle I’d just caused in the hall.

  The kind of idea that never would have worked if he’d had other options—I wasn’t gorgeous, as Sabine had pointed out. But I was there, and Beck was getting desperate, so if I were willing, and easy, and ready to share…

  I pasted on my best Lolita smile and propped my hands on what little hips I had. “We do everything together, Mr. Beck.”

  Emma’s eyes nearly popped out of her skull, and she seemed to shake off a bit of that charmed daze in surprise.

  “Do you now?” His brows rose in interest like he’d just noticed me for the very first time, and when he glanced from me to Emma and back, I knew I had him.

  I nodded slowly, staring straight into his green eyes, and tapped my fingers on my own hip bones to draw his gaze where I wanted it. Where it probably would have landed anyway, eventually. I’d learned that from Emma too, but never expected to actually use it.

  “Two’s greater than one, Mr. Beck,” I said, tilting my head to the right. “Shouldn’t a math teacher know that?”

  “With absolute certainty.” He didn’t gawk or proposition me, like a guy my own age would have, and he certainly didn’t look me in the chest, not that there was much to see there. But he had the ironclad confidence of a man who
’s never been turned down in his life—for a very good reason.

  Even without the hedonistic pull of his incubus charm, I could see why girls would fall all over him. Mr. Beck radiated a maturity and skill high school boys couldn’t compete with.

  He was dangerous. He was a predator. He was…looking right at me.

  “Kaylee?” Beck frowned. “You okay?”

  “Yeah.” I blinked, then crossed the room without breaking eye contact. “I just never noticed how much gold there is in your eyes. You can’t see them very well from the back row.”

  At the last minute, I veered away from him and toward Emma, who was staring up at him again. I leaned down to rest my chin on her shoulder and wrap my arms around her waist. “You ready, Em?” I whispered, still holding Beck’s gaze.

  He looked starved.

  “Um…yeah, I guess.” But she made no move to stand so I pulled her chair back and closed the book on the desk.

  “I don’t think we’re quite done here,” Mr. Beck said, and my pulse spiked almost painfully. “Emma needs some more practice. I could fit you in tonight…” he suggested, as I slid her textbook into her bag.

  Em started to nod, her eyes lighting up again with eagerness, but I cut her off before she could agree.

  “We have to work,” I reminded him, and he scowled—as close to irritated as I’d ever seen him. “Tomorrow night?” I said, dangling the jailbait in front of him. “I think I could benefit from a little private instruction, too. You could teach us both at once—if you’re up for it.”

  She frowned over my intrusion, but the heat in his eyes could have melted iron. “Around eight?”

  Em nodded eagerly and slid one arm around my waist. Either she was playing along, or she’d decided that sharing him was better than not getting him at all. “My house. Do you need the address?” she asked, as I guided us subtly toward the hall.

  “I can get it from your file.” Surely a violation of school policy. But then, so was sleeping with students.

  “Then we’ll see you tomorrow.” I pushed the door open and tugged Emma into the hall. The door swung shut behind us and I threw my backpack over one shoulder and half pulled her toward the parking lot. When I glanced back, I found Mr. Beck watching us through the window in his door.

  The trap was set, the bait in place. But I still had no idea what to do with him once we’d caught him.

  Emma turned on me the moment the heavy glass door swung shut behind us. “What’d you do that for?”

  “Why did I save you from tortures untold at the hands of our evil math teacher? Because I’m your best friend.”

  Em sighed and clutched the strap of her backpack. “I’m pretty sure nothing that man’s hands do could be described as torture. I had him right where we wanted him!”

  “Right. I could tell from the way your eyes go out of focus every time you look at him. He charmed you, Em. He was touching your hair when I came in, and—”

  “He was not!”

  “The hell he wasn’t.” I turned left in the second row, veering us toward our cars, parked side by side. “And that was on school grounds, in full view of anyone who happened to walk by. He must be getting desperate. Or ready to quit at Eastlake and find another campus to prey on.”

  “Kaylee, I really don’t think he’d do that,” Emma insisted. I rolled my eyes. “Shake it off, Em. He’s the bad guy.”

  “Unless…maybe…Sabine misread him, or maybe we misinterpreted the evidence.”

  “Emma…” I started, frowning at her.

  “Sorry. I know. He just doesn’t feel bad.”

  “What does he feel like?” I could understand the attraction—I had eyes, after all—but not the obsession. His charm didn’t work on me.

  “He feels…addictive.” She hugged her own stomach, and her backpack swung to one side, but she didn’t seem to notice. “When he looks at you, you feel really, really good. Like an afterglow that’s not…after. You want things, and you know he can give them to you, and when he looks away, it feels like the spotlight left you to shine on someone else, and you’ll do anything to bring it back. To feel that heat.” Em stopped walking and frowned at me, like she couldn’t believe what she was about to say. “I hated you when you came in,” she confessed, like it hurt to say the words. And I have to admit, it kinda hurt to hear them. “I hated you, just a little bit, when he looked at you instead of me.”

  “I don’t want him, Em. And neither do you.” And listening to her talk about him like that—about a teacher she’d hardly ever spoken to outside of class before—gave me chills so deep my bones could have been carved from ice.

  “But I do. I want him, Kaylee. That’s the scary part.” She started walking again, and her next words floated back to me. “I know better, but it doesn’t matter. I still want him.”

  “Emma.” I pulled her to a stop again and looked straight into her eyes. “You have to resist it. He’s the honey, you’re the fly. Or maybe he’s the Venus flytrap. Either way, you’re the fly, and the fly never wins.”

  She frowned. “So, what are you?”

  “I’m the vinegar. Or the lawnmower, depending on the metaphor. Either way, I’m taking him down. And I’m not leaving you alone with him again.”

  Emma blinked and her gaze seemed a little clearer. Her forehead scrunched up, like she was trying to remember a fading dream. “Speaking of which, did you just do what I think you just did? Back there?” She nodded toward the building, and Beck’s classroom.

  “If you think I implied that you and I would have a three-way with our evil math teacher…then yeah. That’s what I did.”

  “Imply, nothin’!” She dug her keys from her purse with one hand. “You practically promised! Damn, Kaylee, I didn’t think you had it in you.”

  “Things have changed.” I started walking again, and she jogged to catch up with me.

  “What things?”

  “Nothing…” I pulled my own keys from my pocket as we neared our cars, at the back of the lot.

  “Nuh-uh. Don’t even try that.” She clicked the bauble on her key chain to unlock her doors, then pointed at the passenger seat. “Get in. You can tell me all about these changes on the way to the theater. I’ll bring you back for your car after work.” Emma tossed her backpack and purse into the backseat, then stood watching me, waiting.

  “I’m not going to work, Em.”

  “Okay, that’s it.” Emma slammed her door and folded her arms over the roof of the car. “What’s going on with you? Multiple detentions, no homework, blowing off work, freaking out at lunch, propositioning a teacher on behalf of both of us… I know he’s an evil teacher, but that’s just not your style. You’re acting like…Sabine.”

  “That’s not funny.”

  “That’s my point. What going on, Kaylee?”

  I took a long, deep breath, then met her gaze over the car. “If you want the detailed version, you’re gonna be late for work.”

  Emma shrugged. “If you’re not going, I’m not going.”

  I started to argue, then changed my mind. Who was I to lecture her about responsibility? So I opened her passenger door and sat down, wedging my backpack between my feet on the floorboard.

  “Nash and I just broke up,” I said, as she slid into the driver’s seat and closed the door.

  “Again? Why?” Em looked surprised, but not as surprised as I’d expected her to be. But then, she didn’t know everything yet.

  “I kind of…kissed Tod.”

  “You kind of kissed Tod?!”

  Aaaand…there’s the surprise.

  “Okay, I really kissed him. Then he kissed me back, and Nash and Sabine saw it. As did most of the Mathletes, several softball players and anyone else who happened to be in the hall. It was kind of a public spectacle. And now I don’t know where I stand with Tod, but I’m sure Nash hates us both, and Sabine’s probably doing mental cartwheels to celebrate. And that’s not even the worst part.”

  “It gets worse?”

 
“Yeah.” I took another deep breath. “I’m gonna die, Emma.”

  “You mean eventually, right?” She blinked, and I could tell it hadn’t sunk in. “Please tell me you’re making some kind of big-picture philosophical statement about the inevitability of death and the transient nature of human existence.”

  “Not eventually, Em. Sometime on Thursday. I don’t know exactly when, and I don’t know how, and I don’t know where. I don’t even know who’s coming to reap my soul, because Tod just took the reaper who had that job and fed him to Avari. All I know is that it’s hard to motivate myself to go work for a paycheck I’m never gonna cash or do homework that’s never gonna get graded. But I am hell-bent on taking Mr. Beck down before I die.”

  Emma leaned back in the driver’s seat, hands limp in her lap, keys dangling from one bent finger. “Okay, I’m going to need a minute. That’s a lot to process.”

  “I know.”

  She took a couple of deep breaths, then rolled her head on the headrest to face me. “I was only in Beck’s classroom for, like, an hour, right?” she asked, and I nodded, though it had felt like much less to me, in the Netherworld. “And in that time, you dumped your boyfriend, kissed his dead brother and found out you’re going to die?”

  I stared at my hands, nervously fiddling with my keys in my lap. “Actually, I already knew that last part.”

  “You already knew?” Em’s voice sounded strained, like when her feelings were hurt and she didn’t want me to know. I looked up to find her frowning at me. “How long?”

  “Since Friday night,” I admitted, a thick undercurrent of guilt flowing in to supplant my good intentions in not telling her earlier.

  “Five days? You knew five days ago, and you didn’t tell me?”

  “I’m sorry, Emma. I didn’t want you to have to dwell on it, like I have.”

  “Did it ever occur to you that I might want to dwell on it? Or at least know that it was coming?” Her eyes filled with tears, and her lower lip began to quiver. “How serious is this, Kay?” She blinked and wiped tears from her face with one hand, making an obvious effort to compose herself and her thoughts. “I mean, I know it’s death, but you’ve already died once, and I’ve died, and, hell, even Sophie’s died, so that’s less of a permanent state than I used to think it was.”