You're Mine Now

by Koppel, Hans

  She looked at him: not a twitch. Kathrine bobbed her head down between her shoulders and opened out her hands, a physical question mark.

  ‘Am I wrong?’ she asked.

  Erik jumped down from the worktop, took a glass out of the cupboard, turned on the tap and felt the water with his finger. When he thought it was cold enough, he filled the glass. He drank half of it straight down before he answered.

  ‘Did she forget to tell you that I lost my job because of her? Something she felt forced to do so she wouldn’t need to tell her colleagues that she’d been unfaithful.’

  ‘She said she had nothing to do with it.’

  ‘She said that?’

  He poured out the rest of the water and put the glass on the dish rack. He shook his head.

  ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘Why argue?’ Kathrine asked. ‘It seems so unnecessary. Please stop. And if you don’t want to do it for Anna’s sake, then think of her daughter.’

  Kathrine pushed her behind back in the chair and leaned forwards, rested her arms on her thighs and clasped her hands between her knees.

  ‘I believe that most people are basically the same,’ she said. ‘There’s very little that differentiates us. When things get out of hand, it’s usually because of hurt feelings or a misunderstanding.’

  ‘If I was at all interested in that kind of thing I’d be watching Dr Phil,’ Erik said, curtly. ‘You want to help your daughter. Is that why you’re here?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Do you want to help me?’

  ‘I don’t know you.’

  ‘So you want to help your daughter, but not me?’

  Kathrine tried to change tack.

  ‘I want to understand,’ she said.

  ‘Understand what?’ Erik asked.

  ‘Why you can’t leave her be? You met a few times, fair enough.’

  Erik grinned, as if she’d said something funny.

  ‘You come here and preach about morals. Your daughter used me for her sexual gratification. Then she was overcome by guilt and is trying to blot out the whole thing now. Do you think that’s fair?’

  ‘You slept together. Good God, you’re both adults.’

  ‘Ah,’ Erik said. ‘You mean the pleasures of the flesh. Disassociated from the loneliness of the soul. She wasn’t responsible for her actions? It just happened.’

  ‘You got something out of it as well, didn’t you?’

  ‘So I should be there for her pleasure? I should be there whenever she feels the urge, but otherwise I should keep away and not disturb? Anna fooled me into believing. She owes me.’

  ‘Owes you what? She’s not interested. How hard is that to understand? Move on. Surely you won’t have any problems meeting other women?’

  Kathrine let the question hang in the air, almost like an accusation.

  ‘Do you know why I recorded the video?’ Erik said, calmly. ‘To document what it was like. To prove to myself that it wasn’t just my imagination. If you saw it, you’d believe me. What Anna and I have together is real. She’s lying when she says she doesn’t want to see me, lying to herself.’

  ‘Can I see it?’ she asked. ‘Can you show me the recording so I can make up my own mind?’

  Erik looked at her with disgust.

  ‘I would never show anything that private to anyone else.’

  ‘Is that a promise?’

  Erik didn’t understand.

  ‘That you won’t show the video to anyone else? Do you realise how terrifying it is for Anna? That you’re threatening her entire life?’

  ‘Her suburban lie, you mean?’

  ‘Call it what you like, think of the girl. She’s only ten years old.’

  ‘Marvellous,’ Erik said, amused. ‘Bloody marvellous.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘The constant chat about children. Unashamed.’

  Kathrine looked at him, puzzled.

  ‘As soon at things get difficult, the middle class cries but the children, the children, the children. Artificial concern in order to hide whatever it is that’s threatening their false self-image. Children are accessories in their world, nothing more.’

  He was so agitated, he was spitting.

  ‘Do you think it’s right to use the children as an excuse just because you’re too lazy to get divorced and too tired to fight? It’s a construct, a convenient lie. You know just as well as I do that Anna would never have stayed with that boring fart if it hadn’t been for Hedda.’

  Kathrine felt sick hearing him say the girl’s name.

  ‘She’d have left him ages ago,’ Erik continued. ‘You know that too. If she was so in love with her husband she would hardly have been looking for pleasure elsewhere.’

  ‘Anna loves her husband,’ Kathrine stated. ‘They’re happy together and have a good relationship. What you had was a flirt, a bit of spice. Why can’t you be happy with that?’

  ‘Can I ask you something?’ Erik interjected. ‘If Anna loves her husband so much, why did she go to bed with me? Please tell me that. And be honest.’

  ‘I don’t know. I guess she was attracted to you.’

  ‘She was attracted to me?’

  ‘Obviously.’

  ‘And that makes it okay to be unfaithful to your husband?’

  ‘No, it doesn’t. But good grief, have you never made mistakes? You were both at a work do, for Christ’s sake.’

  Erik laughed and shook his head. He went over to the window and looked down at the street.

  ‘A work do? And that excuses everything, you think?’

  ‘No, I don’t. But I think we all do strange things every now and then. And her judgement wasn’t the best just then.’

  ‘Just then?’ he said, turning round. ‘We’ve done it four times. Four.’

  He held up the same number of fingers as proof, like a child.

  ‘Whatever,’ Kathrine said. ‘I don’t suppose it will happen again. If Anna had known how this would end, she would never have done it in the first place. You must understand that. You need help, professional help.’

  Kathrine crossed the kitchen and stood next to him.

  ‘I’ve found out a few things about you,’ she said. ‘I admit, I phoned the national registry. They told me that your mother died a couple of years ago. I even spoke to a couple of her, well, your previous neighbours. They hinted that you and your mother were perhaps closer than normal. If you don’t leave my daughter alone, I will make your life very difficult. Do you understand what I’m saying? I’ll publicly humiliate you.’

  Erik’s lower lip twitched once, though it was hard to tell whether it was nerves or repressed anger. Possibly the latter. Kathrine was not going to back down.

  ‘It’s up to you,’ she said.

  36

  Sometimes Anna became blind to individual words. Often, it was an everyday word or one that was repeated so often that it became unrecognisable, hard to articulate and impossible to understand. This was something else.

  The individual letters were swimming. Black spots on a white background, familiar enough in their own right, but meaningless together. Anna forced her eyes to move from left to right, row after row, from the top to the bottom. And still she didn’t understand the words, even less the sentences.

  Her brain wasn’t working. Wrong, it was overloaded and couldn’t take in what her eyes were registering. All the familiar sounds and voices of the office had gone too. Someone had pressed the mute button and the only thing Anna was aware of was her own tight lips. They felt as swollen as those of a surgery-happy porn queen.

  She turned the page, kept on pretending to read, but all she saw was the silenced mobile.

  Anna licked her lips. They were numb, as if she had eaten poison.

  Turning the telephone off had not given her peace. It was almost growling. As if it were vibrating on its own. And the vibrations spread and made the desk shake, made the lights on the ceiling and the bookshelves shake so much that the files and books
and paper spilled out on to the floor while people screamed and took cover under their desks, but to no avail.

  ‘Hello, earth to Anna Stenberg.’

  She looked up and saw Sissela shaking her head.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Lunch?’

  ‘Absolutely. Yes.’

  Anna dropped the printout she was staring at blindly and got up.

  ‘She didn’t get any sleep again last night,’ she heard Sissela explaining to Trude.

  Erik looked down at the floor, his eyes darting back and forth.

  ‘I don’t what it is,’ he said. ‘This past year, since Mum died. Everything’s falling apart. I thought moving here would change things. Then I met Anna, I thought that finally…’

  His eyes pleaded with Kathrine.

  ‘Have you never met someone and just felt that it was right, almost like fate?’

  Kathrine scrutinised his face, didn’t know what to think.

  ‘I didn’t mean any harm,’ he said. ‘I’m just lonely.’

  Kathrine hesitated. Erik lowered his head, resigned, with a sheepish smile.

  ‘I feel so stupid,’ he said. ‘It’s as if I’ve become someone I don’t want to be, that I’ve been forced into it. And not being able to explain myself just makes things worse. A bit like when someone says that you’re weird. There’s no way to answer it. What can you say? That you’re not? How normal does that make you sound?’

  Kathrine nodded, encouraging him to continue.

  ‘It’s a vicious circle,’ he said. ‘Anna decides it’s over and I have no choice but to accept it. If I try to do anything, I’m accused of being difficult and a pest, and worse. And suddenly there you are with your hands out, swearing and promising that you’re normal.’

  He shook his head in despair at the impossible situation.

  ‘You’re the first person who’s spoken to me,’ he continued.

  ‘The video…’

  ‘I’ve deleted it,’ Erik said, and lowered his eyes. ‘To be honest, against my will. It was the only thing I had. But at same time, I understand…’

  He looked up.

  ‘My reasons for recording it weren’t dishonourable, I want you to know that. I realise that it seems slightly perverse to even think of it, but I just wanted something to remind me of our time together. Anna and me.’

  ‘So the video is gone? Doesn’t exist any more?’

  ‘I wouldn’t want to risk it falling into the wrong hands.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  Erik shrugged.

  ‘You never know. It was wrong of me to do it in the first place and it’s not something I normally do. I hope that you’ll believe that.’

  Kathrine didn’t say anything. Her silence forced him to continue. He laughed with embarrassment and waved his hands, shifted position.

  ‘I don’t know what to do now,’ he said. ‘I don’t have a job, I don’t know anyone. I’ll probably move back to Stockholm. There’s nothing here, really.’

  ‘Maybe it’s just as well,’ Kathrine said.

  He reacted strongly. As if he’d been hoping for her to object, to persuade him otherwise, and felt let down.

  ‘It really meant something to me,’ he retorted. ‘For Anna it was just a bit of fun, a welcome break from boring everyday life. Something to boast about to her friends.’

  ‘You don’t know my daughter. She would never say a word.’

  ‘Wouldn’t she?’ Erik objected. ‘You seem to be very well informed.’

  ‘The only reason she told me is that you frightened her.’

  ‘I frightened her? She’s the one scaring me. How can a grown-up woman jump into bed with someone without it meaning anything? Explain that to me. And then when it no longer suits them, they just leave with a supercilious “Thanks, bye”.’

  He regretted this outburst and tried to recapture his humiliated mood by adopting submissive body language. Kathrine watched him. She breathed through her nose and nodded to herself.

  ‘Just like my daughter said,’ she concluded.

  ‘What did she say?’

  ‘That you seem to be perfectly normal, but you’re not.’

  ‘Did she say that?’

  Erik’s look was amused and patronising. Kathrine had a sad expression on her face.

  ‘I normally credit myself with being naive and believing the best of people,’ she said. ‘And contrary to what most people think, it comes at a price. It requires hard work and conscious effort. You have to dismiss the thought that people don’t wish you well. If you don’t, you become suspicious of everyone and end up bitter and cynical.’

  Erik ran his tongue along his lower lip, pulled a bored face. Kathrine looked at him long and hard.

  ‘So why do I get the feeling that you don’t wish me well?’ she said. ‘Neither me, nor my daughter.’

  The telephone interrupted her. It was in her bag out in the hall. She got up to answer it.

  ‘I’m going to take this call. I think you and I have said all there is to say.’

  Anna’s lips felt less swollen after some food and she had returned to reality. She heard what was being said and could even make small comments to prove her existence. Which was important. Sissela was an anxious general who needed constant reassurance. Anyone who held back or wasn’t present could reckon on getting a veiled dressing down that was hard to counter. In a way, her insecurity was justified: Anna and Trude made a far more natural unit. They enjoyed each other’s company, laughed at the same things and not necessarily at the expense of others. Sissela’s humour depended on having a victim as it was the exclusion of others that gave her a sense of belonging.

  ‘So, what do you reckon? Shall we have coffee upstairs?’

  They left the canteen in good humour and walked towards the lift.

  ‘Anna.’

  Renée stood up behind reception.

  ‘Your mum called.’

  ‘Oh, thank you.’

  ‘Will you be in a meeting all afternoon as well?’

  Anna could feel her boss’s curious eyes on her neck.

  ‘No, not this afternoon,’ she replied.

  They went into the lift.

  ‘In a meeting?’ Sissela quipped. ‘I didn’t notice.’

  ‘I had to say that so I could get my work done. Everything gets so fragmented when the phone rings all the time.’

  ‘Oh to be so in demand,’ Sissela said ironically, and sent a glance to Trude. ‘I wish I was as interesting.’

  Anna left them in the kitchen, went to her desk and called her mother. She looked around while she listened to the ring tone, on and on. The office was almost empty and none of her colleagues was within earshot. The call was transferred to voicemail, so she hung up.

  She dialled the direct number to Karlsson, the policeman she had spoken to.

  ‘Yes, I went over and had a chat with him,’ he said, pleased with himself. ‘And I think I got him to realise how serious the matter was. If you hear from him again, just give me a call.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Anna said, and felt her body relax. ‘If you knew how much that meant to me. Thank you so much.’

  She finished the call and was on the verge of crying for joy. Suddenly she became aware of the pain. She felt an ache in her back and shoulders, and her head was pounding with released tension, as if she’d been in an exam for hours.

  ‘Did you hear what I said?’ Kathrine exclaimed. ‘Let me past.’

  Erik had stood up and was blocking her way.

  ‘What’s wrong with you? I need to get this. It’s Anna. I’m going to tell her. That she was right all along. It wasn’t her imagination.’

  Kathrine tried to push Erik to the side. He put his arm across her chest and pulled her back.

  ‘What are you doing? Let me go!’

  She screamed and Erik put his hand over her mouth.

  ‘Be quiet,’ he said, ‘don’t scream.’

  Kathrine tried to get free and Erik responded by pressing harder. He pinc
hed her nose between his thumb and index finger. She flailed with her arms. He had no choice, he was forced to hold tighter. Kathrine tried to claw herself loose, but Erik had no problem holding on to her. She twisted in desperation, screamed for air and kicked out in a futile attempt to free herself. He hushed in her ear.

  ‘Please, don’t scream.’

  The telephone stopped ringing, but the last signal seemed to fill the flat.

  ‘Shhh,’ Erik commanded. ‘Take it easy.’

  Kathrine’s back was arched like a bow and she kicked powerlessly into thin air. Erik closed his eyes and kept a firm grip. Kathrine shuddered and her body slumped into an ungainly mass. Erik kept hold of her for a while before gently releasing her on to the floor.

  ‘Promise to be quiet,’ he said. ‘Promise.’

  37

  Anna put the phone down and went out into the kitchen. She got herself a cup of coffee, then went to join the others.

  ‘We’re sitting here wondering if anything has happened,’ Sissela said.

  ‘We?’ Trude objected. ‘Speak for yourself.’

  ‘Happened? What do you mean?’

  ‘You’re not sleeping at night, asking for all your calls to be held. Then he drives you to work. Has he done something stupid?’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Magnus. Has he been unfaithful?’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  Sissela held up her hands in innocence.

  ‘Okay, okay, sorry. We just wanted to make sure you’re all right.’

  ‘Again,’ Trude said. ‘Speak for yourself.’

  Sissela turned to her.

  ‘Don’t you want to make sure that Anna’s all right?’

  Trude gave a resigned sigh.

  ‘Sissela, give it a break.’

  Anna got up.

  ‘Excuse me,’ she said, and went back into the office.

  ‘What?’ Sissela exclaimed. ‘I was only joking.’

  Anna went over to her desk, picked up the mobile phone, which was turned off, played with it for a while, then turned it on again. She waited anxiously while it found the server. Thirty seconds later she saw that no one had tried to get hold of her, at least, no one had made the effort to leave a message or send a text.