Pioneer, Go Home!

by Richard Powell

  "These are the most shiftless people I ever saw, Your Honor," Mr. King said. "Before they squatted on that land, they lived by exploiting the government. The one they call Pop Kwimper boasted to me that he had been getting relief and Unemployment Compensation and Aid to Dependent Children. The one they call Toby Kwimper served a while in the Army and tricked the doctors into discharging him with a Total Disability pension. The word trick is a strong one, but I can justify its use. I sent an inquiry to the Veterans Administration about this Toby Kwimper, and they ordered him to report for a check-up. Well, he knew the game was up, and never reported."

  Mr. King set down, and the judge looked at me and said, "May I repeat that I think you need a lawyer?"

  "You sure may repeat it, Judge," I said. "And it is right nice of you to do that. But I hadn't forgot you said it before."

  "Don't say I didn't warn you," the judge said. "All right, Miss Claypoole. Anything more?"

  "Oh, a great deal more," Miss Claypoole said. "Now let's see where I am. Oh yes. Your Honor, the Department would like to know what legal right these people have to act as guardians of Edward and Theodore Kwimper. My information is that the parents of these children were killed in an accident. I can find no evidence that Elias Kwimper was legally appointed guardian of the children. Nor is there any proof that he is next of kin and therefore the natural guardian. The man called Toby Kwimper admitted to me once that relationships among the Kwimpers are badly scrambled, and that in fact he didn't know if the twins Edward and Theodore were his cousins or his uncles. So what relation is Toby Kwimper's father, Elias, to the twins? Nobody knows.

  "I mentioned that the twins need psychiatric care to enable them to make a successful life adjustment. At one time when I was investigating the family, I questioned one of the twins about the dreams he'd had the night before. Your Honor, I'm sure that you're familiar with the importance Freud attached to the interpretation of dreams. I had much trouble getting a full story from the boy, because his span of attention is very short and he kept running off. But luckily I had a box of candy with me and he kept coming back for a piece. His dream was most revealing. He started by saying he was fishing from the bridge and caught something very large. He said it was a tiger. Then he said it was a snook, and that he had been hunting in the Everglades rather than fishing from the bridge. The switch from hunting to fishing, and from a tiger to a snook, ran all through his dream. It was a perfect example of a spit personality at work."

  The judge said, "I thought you claimed the twins were just splitting one personality between them, instead of each having two personalities?"

  "Oh, but in dreams you get wish-fulfillment playing a major role," Miss Claypoole said. "No one wants just half a personality. So in wish-fulfillment dreams the child would express his desire for a real split personality. Do you follow me, Your Honor?"

  "Yes, but I get a bit lost doing it," the judge said. "Well, go on."

  "At one time," Miss Claypoole said, "the Department tried to help this family by offering them a unit in our lovely housing facility, Sunset Gardens. Not only did they reject this wonderful opportunity, but also drey went deliberately to work to sabotage what we're doing in Sunset Gardens. They even managed to coax one of our couples, Mr. and Mrs. William Brown, to leave and to go live with them at Bridge Number Four. I suppose that in some way they succeeded in breaking down the moral fiber of the Browns, perhaps by hinting at all the illicit pleasures that could be found at Bridge Number Four."

  "Aren't you doing a lot of supposing and perhapsing?" the judge said. "What illicit pleasures are you talking about?"

  "Oh, all kinds of things, Your Honor. Heaven knows what."

  "If I'm going to accept this," the judge said, "maybe we'd better get somebody down here from heaven to testify."

  "Well, Your Honor," Miss Claypoole said, "the Department can bring plenty of testimony to prove that there was uncontrolled drinking and gambling at Bridge Number Four. The Kwimpers allowed two notorious East Coast gangsters to set up a roadhouse on the land they had squatted on. These gangsters were named—ah, let's see—Little Nick Poulos and Blackie Zotta. Then, after the Kwimpers had some kind of quarrel with the gangsters, the Kwimpers burned down their roadhouse and drove out these gangsters at gun point."

  "I did hear something about that," the judge said. "Anything more?"

  "Yes indeed, Your Honor. The Department is prepared to prove that these people are part of the anti-social Kwimper Family of Cranberry County, New Jersey. They have been inbreeding for generations, living in their own private enclave and shutting out the world. In their way the Kwimpers resemble the well-known Jukes Family and the Kalikaks. Unfortunately science does not know as much about the Kwimpers of Cranberry County as about the Jukeses and Kalikaks, because the Kwimpers have never been willing to cooperate with science. But there is no doubt that the Kwimpers of Cranberry County are just plain crazy. No doubt they have all the quirks and vices that inbreeding can produce. I might mention in passing that an unmarried girl named Holly Jones, who is present in this room, lives with Elias and Toby Kwimper in a relationship that I would not care to explore."

  The judge looked at Holly, who was red as all get out and looking real pretty. "It might be interesting, though," he said.

  "The Department," Miss Claypoole said coldly, "does not care to smack its hps over such things. Now I have one final piece of evidence, Your Honor. At one time I gave Toby Kwimper a word-association test. This, as you probably know, is designed to reveal levels of motivations that a person would ordinarily conceal not only from others but even from himself. I have analyzed Toby Kwimper's answers carefully, and the results are shocking. I submit a copy of my report herewith. I do not care to read it in public unless this case has to be fought out in open court."

  She handed some sheets of paper to the judge, who give them a look and then whistled. "Quite a thing," he said. "Quite a thing. Well, do you Kwimpers have anything to say to all this? And can I talk you into getting a lawyer?"

  Pop said, "Judge, we'd kind of like to hash this over among ourselves for a couple minutes, if that would be all right."

  The judge said he didn't mind, and the three of us got off in a corner to see what was what.

  "Pop," I said, "we are not looking real good."

  Pop got out the kind of laugh you can get by clapping two clam shells together, and said, "If all this is true, I ain't sure I want to be related to you crazy Kwimpers."

  "It's ridiculous!" Holly said. "She's twisted every single fact!"

  "Somebody has got to stand up and untwist things," Pop said. "Who's it going to be?"

  "You are the head of the family, Pop," I said.

  "No," Pop said. "I'll get mad and that won't help us."

  "Holly," I said, "you been all through high school and can talk real well."

  "I'd be scared to death," she said. "You're not mad or scared, Toby. Why don't you do it?"

  "My trouble is I am not thinking as good as usual," I said. "Look how I helped Miss Claypoole by making them twins tell which is which."

  "You go ahead, Toby," Pop said. "We can't be no worse off than we are now."

  "Yes, go ahead," Holly said. "We're all behind you."

  Well, I didn't like the idea but said I would, so I got up and told the judge we had settled on what to do.

  The judge said kind of hopefully, "A lawyer?"

  "No, I am going to talk for us, Judge," I said. "I told Pop and Holly I would likely mess things up, but they said to go ahead and they are all behind me, which is real nice except I'd ruther they was in front of me. I will try to take up all the points that has been made agin us. The

  first point is that them twins is charged with getting in trouble in school, and I got to admit they done that. All I can say is they won't do it again." I turned to the twins, and said, "Isn't that right, fellers?"

  "We won't get in any more trouble," Eddy said. "And anyway I don't trust that brother of mine to tell me everything that go
es on in class."

  Teddy said, "Well, and anyway I'm tired of telling him, because he's dumb and takes too long to learn."

  I said, "Judge, I reckon it is our fault them twins got in that trouble, because Pop and Holly and me have seen them work tricks like that before, and might have knowed they was doing it. One of the times was that dream Miss Claypoole talked about. I am sorry to say them twins was just fooling her. She warn't talking only to one twin that day. She was talking to both of them, one at a time, and didn't know it. She begun by offering Eddy a piece of candy if he would recollect a dream for her. So he told her a piece of a dream, and got a piece of candy, and run off and told Teddy to take his turn and his piece of candy. And I am sorry to say they was just making up the dreams, too. Isn't that right, fellers?"

  Eddy said, "I made up a real good dream about a big snook."

  "An old snook!" Teddy said. "I had a tiger in mine."

  "So like you can see, Judge," I said, "we should have knowed they was pulling that same trick of taking turns in school, too."

  The judge said, "Miss Claypoole, does that change your opinion that the twins have a split personality?"

  "Not in the least," she said. "The fact that they collaborated on making up a dream merely proves again that they are splitting one personality between themselves."

  "Very interesting," the judge said. "Well, go on, young man."

  "I will do that, Judge," I said. "Miss Claypoole said things is so scrambled among us Kwimpers that Pop can't prove he is next of kin to the twins. Well, she is right, and all I can say is things is so scrambled that nobody can prove Pop is not next of kin, neither. Does that take care of that point, Judge?"

  "I don't know," the judge said, rubbing his hand over his forehead like he felt a mite dizzy. "It does something to that point, but I'm not sure what. Go ahead."

  "Now there was the points Mr. King made agin us. They was real good points, Judge. There isn't no question we squatted on that land. The only excuse I can give is we didn't mean to do it at the start. Our car run out of gas, and the road was closed with no other folks coming along, and we was stuck there five days."

  The judge said, "Did you have food with you?"

  "All we had was six bottles of soda pop and a couple of chocolate bars. We dug us a well for fresh water, and caught fish and found clams and coconuts, and spotted an old farm on the island where there was a little fruit. We made out all right, even if I did have to swipe fenders and things from Pop's car to make pots and pans with. We cut branches and palm fronds and made a couple of lean-tos. Mr. King come along finally and was real upset at how we was camping there and spoiling the view, and

  I reckon we was, too. He ordered us off that land, and I got to admit we turned ornery and stubborn. Pop said he warn't going to let the government push us around because it would just get the government in bad habits. And about our thumbing our noses at the Governor, well, that was just part of us being ornery."

  "Pardon me," the judge said. "Are you defending yourself, or making a confession?"

  "I am just telling you what happened, Judge. Is that all right?"

  "Yes, but it's a bit unusual. Um, how about those five loads of shell fill?"

  "I was just plain dumb about that," I said. "It turned out Mr. King had meant them loads to be dumped in front of our lean-tos on State land, to shut us off from the road. But I thought he was being friendly and sending us a beach, so that is where I had the fellers with the trucks dump it."

  "I see. How about that business of getting relief and all the rest of it?"

  "I am sorry you brung that up, Judge, because we don't feel very good about that. What happened was this. Back in the Thirties when Pop had to scratch to make ends meet, the government come around and told him what a hard time he had, and give him some money and food. Things went on that way, with Pop taking the money and food the government wanted to get rid of, until Pop and the government come to depend on each other. Then when I was at Fort Dix I strained my back. I told them doctors it warn't from nothing but lifting a little old jeep out of a mudhole, but they said no, I had to go on Total Disability.

  "Well, Mr. King fixed it so I got over my Total Disability. We couldn't get relief or Aid to Dependent Children from Jersey while we was living down here, and Miss Claypoole said she couldn't give us no Columbiana help as long as we lived on land that didn't belong to the county. So we had to start scratching to make ends meet. I reckon we have been letting the government down by not taking relief or nothing, but it has been fun doing our own scratching and there is times when folks has to think of themselves and not of the government."

  The judge looked at Miss Claypoole and said, "Amazing, isn't it?"

  "Indeed it is, Your Honor," she said. "But you might find similar quirks among the Jukeses and the Kalikaks."

  "Um," the judge said. Then he asked me, "How did you lure the Browns from Sunset Gardens to Bridge Number Four?"

  "I never rightly understood how I done that, Judge. When I met them Browns at Sunset Gardens, they kept telling me how good it was to have rules that you couldn't mess up the front of your place with bird houses and things, and that you didn't have to break your back on a garden on account of nobody could have a garden. And I told them how busy we was trying to scratch out a living and how we didn't even have time to let ourselves get sick. I thought them Browns was real happy at Sunset Gardens. But that night, dog me if they didn't come out and ask could they build a shack at the bridge, and Mr.

  Will Brown thrun away his pills and he sure hasn't had no time to let himself get sick since then."

  Miss Claypoole said, "Mark my words, Your Honor. Mr. Brown will crawl back to us any day now."

  I said, "I don't think he will have to do no crawling, Judge. He is feeling spry enough lately so he could run all the way to Gulf City if he had a mind to."

  "Let's get on to some other points," the judge said.

  "Well," I said, "there was that point about them gamblers. When they first moved in next to us, Little Nick and Blackie said gambling couldn't be agin the law at our bridge because it warn't State or comity land. After a while, the gambling and the drinking and the fights at their place got a mite loud for the rest of us. I went to the sheriff and he said he had no right to move in since it warn't county land, and said maybe we ought to elect our own law officer. So I got elected. That night I went around to quiet things down at Little Nick's and Blackie's, and I am sorry to say I didn't handle things right. The folks that was drinking and gambling got the idea it was a raid, and near about took that place apart getting out of there."

  The judge cleared his throat, and said, "None of this produced any gunplay?"

  "There was some fellers playing with guns the next night, but they didn't have nothing to do with Little Nick and Blackie. They was just a bunch of hunters on a drunk."

  "I'm interested in them," the judge said. "What happened?"

  "Oh, that next night I was doing a little jog of four- five miles on the road to stay in shape, and a car come near running me down twice. There was four fellers in it that was drunk. I knowed that from the way they was driving, and on account of the hunting season warn't open and because they was carrying a burp gun and automatic shotgun and two pistols. Sober fellers would know them things is not legal for hunting, Judge. So I led them off in the woods about a mile, and snuck up and took their guns when they warn't looking, and left them there to sober up. They was kind of lost, but I told them to head for the sun when it come up the next day, and they would find the road."

  "They didn't shoot at you?" the judge asked.

  "Not hardly to speak of, Judge. What with it being dark in the woods and them being drunk, they was way off in their shooting."

  "Did you or did you not," the judge said, "burn down Little Nick's and Blackie's place?"

  "Judge, I did, and all I can say is I didn't go for to do it."

  "Tell me about it."

  "Well, I come back from the woods to our place an
d seen a shadow under it. I was carrying that burp gun and I thought maybe one of them fellers had got out of the woods and was laying for me. So I went looking under our place with the burp gun. But it was just one of Little Nick's and Blackie's fellers with a jug of kerosene and a package. I thought he had borrowed that kerosene off us, and maybe had a lantern in the package. But I didn't have time to tell him not to worry, on account of he lit out of there when I poked him with the burp gun. I picked up his jug of kerosene and package and left them inside Little Nick's and Blackie's. Then I went to the bridge where Little Nick and Blackie was getting a fishing lesson from Pop and Holly and the twins, and I took along the burp gun to show Blackie on account of he is interested in guns.

  "Well, Judge, I am afraid that package had a bomb in it, because it went off and the kerosene splashed all over and their place burned down. What I think is this. That feller had swiped the kerosene from us and was taking it and the bomb to Little Nick's and Blackie's, to burn it down for the insurance. But I messed things up by coming around. So maybe Little Nick and Blackie got a mite discouraged, because they jumped in their car and drove off and that was the last we seen of them."

  Miss Claypoole said, "Your Honor, either these are just plain lies, or else what he says proves that the Kwimpers are crazy."

  "Judge," I said, "I have give in on every point the school and Mr. King and Miss Claypoole made agin us, but this here point I don't give in on. Us Kwimpers is a little different from some folks, that is all, and for them to call us crazy is like a feller that is six feet tall saying everybody shorter or taller is a freak. Maybe it is the feller six feet tall that is the freak, and maybe it is them other folks that is not all there in the head. On account of I am not real smart maybe it will turn out you are six feet tall, so kindly don't take none of this personal."