Because of Ellison

by Willis, M. S.

  “With Lily, huh? I live about two miles south of you. We should meet up while you’re in town.”

  I didn’t want to be talking to her. I wanted to be sitting next to Ellison where I should have been if Mr. Sensitive-Guitar-Playing-Nice-as-Hell-Nature-Guy didn’t already occupy the spot! Feeling rejected and hurt, I turned on the boyish charm with Amber. “And what would we do?” My voice may have dropped to a seductive tone when I asked that, but what can I say? It came natural to me.

  She smiled brighter and her eyelids hooded over the brown. Bingo. Right where I wanted her. “I dunno. I’m sure we could come up with something. There’s a bunch of parties farther into the city. They’re a hell of a lot more wild than what goes on ‘round here.”

  Tiffany. All I could see was Tiffany standing before me: the hair, the clothes, the fingernails, the makeup, the jewelry and the personality. It was her — just in a non-wealthy, southern form. My first instinct was to brush her off and avoid that complication, but, despite my intelligence, I didn’t seem to have any common sense when it came to girls or getting fucked up. My heart was hurting because of a certain blonde singing to her ex on a blanket not more than 20 feet away from where I stood. I needed something to numb it. Plus, it wasn’t like Ellison wanted anything to do with me anyway. If she did, she’d be by my side where she should be. I needed to forget about her.

  Amber and I launched into a flirtatious conversation. I wasn’t holding back. First it started with talking, then it moved on to talking with little touches on the arms, then it progressed forward to where she leaned up to kiss me. But, the feel of her lips on mine did nothing for me. It wasn’t Ellison. It didn’t smell like Ellison. It didn’t taste like Ellison. And it pissed me off.

  I pulled away from Amber and she scowled in response. I looked up just in time to catch Ellison’s blue eyes. She was staring right at me — and she looked hurt or mad or … fuck! I didn’t know. But she didn’t look normal.

  She was standing near the kegs and as soon as I looked up at her, she turned and strode quickly in the direction of the distant woods. I looked to the blanket, only to watch Finn get up and chase after her. When they’d disappeared into the tree line, I excused myself from Amber’s company and I went in search of them. I didn’t care that I took the chance of walking into something I didn’t want to see and I knew Ellison said there was nothing between them — but I had to see for myself. I hoped they’d do something to prove they weren’t as over as she’d claimed and I could get over these annoying fucking feelings I had for her. But at the same time, I was afraid to see it; afraid I’d want to rip her away from him, throw her over my shoulder and run like hell. It was stupid. I knew that, but I went after them anyway.

  Making my way into the woods, I was ambushed by a large spider web that wrapped itself tightly around my face. I wanted to vomit. I immediately freaked out — as quietly as possible — and I pulled the little bits and pieces off of me, hoping and praying there wasn’t some gargantuan eight-legged creature currently crawling its way down my back. When I felt satisfied that I’d done all I could to deal with that obstacle, I pushed further into the woods — and instantly tripped over a large root and went down like a stone. See what I told you? Nature and me didn’t mix. I’m not sure why it was being kind when I was with Ellison but I decided that her being in tune with the bastard must have somehow rubbed off on me when I was in her company. Now that I was alone, nature was coming at me at full strength.

  After a few more embarrassing incidents that would most likely end in a couple good bruises, I located El and Finn talking in a small clearing. Ellison sat on top of a large rock and Finn knelt down beside her. She was crying softly and it broke my heart.

  “He might be sick, Finn. I don’t want you telling anybody, but I can’t be afraid like this on my own. Please, PLEASE, don’t say anything, especially to Jake or Lil. That’s for daddy to tell and he’s not worried, but I am.” Ellison whispered as she spoke, but her voice still carried to where I could hear it.

  “I won’t say anything. But, it’s too soon for you to freak out, in fact, besides him being tired, there is nothing to freak out about. They always want to run tests, that’s what doctors do.” His hand reached up to rub along her back and I wanted to break his fingers off. But I refrained.

  A slight smiled creased her lips. “I know. It’s just a bad feeling I have. I’m sure it’s nothing.”

  “Why’d you run off into the woods, El?”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “Same reason I’m drinking, I guess. I’m just worried.” I don’t know how I knew it, but I knew she was lying. I could just tell.

  Finn nodded his head. He stood up and reached down to grab her hands and help her stand up. And then it happened. He leaned over and he kissed her. My hands instantly fisted and I could feel blood rushing through my veins, but I just stood there like some fucking voyeur … watching. Damn if Ellison wasn’t right. I was a creepy stalker.

  She pushed him away suddenly. Lifting her arm to wipe off her mouth, she glared at him. “What the fuck, Finn?! I can’t believe you just fucking did that. I’m confiding in you as a FRIEND and you take advantage of that by kissing me?”

  Finn held his hands up. “Babe, I’m sorry, I just thought … ”

  “Just thought what? I should kick your ass for this! I’m already fucked up emotionally and you go and add to it? And I’m not your ‘babe’! Stop referring to me like we are anything more than friends. Please! I just want to go back, Finn. I just want things to be like they were. You were my best friend; we got along like that. But we do not work as anything more. Get that through your thick fucking skull!”

  I was glad I’d spilled my beer on that first fall in the woods. I needed to get sober and I needed to do it fast. There was no way I was letting that guy drive her home.

  “Ellison, just come back to the fire with me.”

  “No Finn.” She sat back down. “Please, just go and give me a minute. I’ll go back in a little bit, but I just want to be alone right now.”

  Finn stood silent for a few seconds, but eventually he turned and left the woods. I stood watching her. She’d stopped crying and she had her elbows braced on her knees and her head cradled in her hands.

  And then a twig snapped under my foot and my cover was blown.

  Ellison looked up and I stepped out from behind the shrubs where I’d been hiding. I felt like an idiot. Once again, I was acting like a little punk bitch and this girl was the one doing it to me.

  “Hunter? What the hell is wrong with you guys? First Finn and now you’re pulling the creeper, stalking act again? Fuck!” She threw her hands up and stood up from the rock. “Did you hear everything?”

  I nodded. I was ashamed, but I wouldn’t lie to her.

  “Great. Just fucking great. Don’t say anything to Lily or Bill, Hunter. I don’t know if I’m not freaking out over nothing and I don’t need the whole family getting upset.”

  “I won’t say anything, Ellison. I promise you. That’s not why I’m out here. I just wanted to know what was up with you … and Finn.”

  Her eyes shot to mine. “Why do you care, Hunter? I told you before; I’m not a fling. What happened this afternoon, it was a mistake. I’m not going to say I hated it or anything, or that I’m mad about it, but it was a mistake, nonetheless.”

  The words sliced through my heart. I was eviscerated and I was broken and I didn’t know why. This was ridiculous. She was right, I knew she was right, I knew this could be nothing, but my heart didn’t know it. I didn’t even know why my heart was getting such a strong vote when it came to my thoughts on the matter. It had never said anything to me before Ellison and I was annoyed that it wouldn’t shut up now.

  “I know, but I … I don’t know, El. I just want to be around you and I have no idea why. I’ve only known you for three days, most of which we spent arguing or screwing with each other, but I can’t stop thinking about you.” The alcohol had apparently helped loosen my lips and I was
confessing things to her that I didn’t want to admit to her, much less, myself.

  She frowned and looked away without responding.

  “Why did you get so mad when you saw that girl kiss me? You were staring right at me and then you ran off. I was worried about you.”

  She huffed out a breath. “I don’t know. I’m not worried about it. But I’d watch it with Amber, if I were you. She’s been around and there are rumors about certain health issues she might have. I’m not one to spread the rumors, but I don’t want you going home with a permanent reminder of your stay, if you know what I mean.”

  I nodded again when she added, “And be careful with drugs, Hunter. I don’t agree with your lifestyle and I think it’s stupid considering how smart you are, but it’s your choice. Amber’s big into some heavy stuff at times, so just don’t go doing something stupid.” She looked up at me. “Lily says you’re smart. I haven’t seen it yet, but I imagine she must be telling the truth for some reason. There’s not many people who can make that claim. You should do something useful with it rather than flushing it down the toilet with drugs. It’s your life, Hunter and you don’t have to listen to what I say — but I still have to say it. So, there; I said it.”

  At that moment, I realized I was right. She did know why I was down here, she hated me for it, and I felt ashamed by it. I’d never apologized for my lifestyle before, but she was somehow changing that in me. She made me feel like it made me a bad person

  I approached her and we stood nose-to-nose and chest-to-chest because I’d walked up so close. She craned her neck to look up at me and I raised my hands to smooth down her arms. But I couldn’t touch her. I held my hands at her shoulders and I looked down at her longingly, but I just couldn’t push past the thin, invisible force that seemed to surround her. I didn’t want to be like Finn. I didn’t want to push myself on her when she was already upset about something else. It wasn’t fair to her. The energy from her body brushed across my palms and I felt twisted up inside that I couldn’t actually touch her.

  Her eyes blinked slowly and the blue was shining in contrast with her red-rimmed eyes. I could smell the beer on her and she swayed slightly. “Please don’t, Hunter. Please don’t make this harder.” Her voice was a breathy whisper and I closed my eyes in reaction to it. I wanted to do more than touch her. I wanted to sweep her up in my arms and cradle her to me. I wanted to hold her until all the pain and worry left her body. I wanted to tell her I’d take care of her, that I’d cherish her, that I’d … that, in reality, I’d end up leaving her.

  I’d never felt pain before like I did at that moment. It tore at me. Physical fucking jolts shot through my body and my chest tightened. But I pulled my hands back to myself. I protected her heart by not touching her.

  For once, I was trying not to be the selfish bastard I knew I was.

  She sniffled after I pulled my hands away; but then she nodded her head once and looked up like she’d just fought the same battle as me. “We’re friends, Hunter. I like you and, if I need anything right now, it’s a friend. I need someone I can talk to that’s not part of all this, who isn’t involved.”

  “We can do that. I can be that friend.” I was resolute in my offer and she smiled at the sound of it. She pushed up on her tiptoes and lightly kissed me on the cheek. Reaching up to wipe away the tears under her eyes, she said, “Well, now that I’m done acting stupid, we should probably get back.”

  We walked out of the woods and just before we approached the bonfire, I grabbed her arm and turned her to me. “I’m driving you home tonight, El. I won’t drink anymore and I’ll be okay to drive once we leave. I don’t want to hear any argument about it, so just know that I’ll be the one driving you home tonight. Okay?”

  She didn’t answer for a few seconds while she stood there and stared at me. “Fine. You can drive me home.”

  I smiled.

  Chapter Ten

  Up down, up down, dip …

  Up down, up down, dip …

  Holy shit, this sucked. Painting the exterior of a house is probably the most monotonous and grueling task a person can perform at the beginning of the Florida summer. With sweat dripping down my head, I was finishing up the last walls of the house. After I finished this, all I had left was the trim and the house would be done. There was a light at the end of my 105-degree tunnel and I was happy to finally have it in sight.

  And I was proud

  After the primer provided a solid foundation, I’d painted on the next layer; the outside skin, the beauty that would project the personality of its occupants, and the part that every person would see. It was the outward reflection of the stability and strength of the job. And, to me at least, it had to be perfect.

  I’m not going to explain to you why that is important, but I will say that if you missed the significance, then you haven’t been paying attention to the story.

  It had been a week since the bonfire. As I’d demanded, I’d driven El home that night. Lily had opted to ride with Ryan, and Finn had grudgingly accepted a ride with Jake. That left El and me alone for a long and awkward ride back to our houses. Not much was said between us, except for the occasional directions and warnings about an animal in the road. There were a lot of them, by the way. It was like playing a game of “Frogger” the entire way back. Luckily, we didn’t hit anything and that was a blessing considering how upset I knew Ellison would have become.

  I didn’t go on the hike Ellison and I had planned for the following day. I woke up early as usual, thanks to Lily and Bill, but I went to work painting the house instead. When everybody had left the property, I’d reached for the radio at one point — but I couldn’t turn it on when I’d tried. I just couldn’t hit the button. Ellison’s words about silence played in my head and I made a choice to endure my thoughts for several hours rather than having angry, angst-filled ballads blasted in my ears.

  That sucked as well. Thinking. It really was a form of torture I was inflicting on myself. But, I think it might have done me some good after all. It was actually quite disturbing to discover I really didn’t care about anything. Nothing was important to me — but me. And now, Ellison was as well. I couldn’t ignore that annoying fact, but the epiphany was still the same. I was wasting my life. I was filling it up with pointless distractions and I was partying to cover up the boredom and pain I was suffering. And I felt like a pathetic little bitch to admit it.

  Ellison had said to find something that interested me, something that I wanted to explore. There was nothing. I didn’t have an emotional connection to anything and I worried that I’d end up laid out on some shrink’s couch because something needed to be fixed in my head. I needed to find that connection to something and for the week it took me to paint the house, I’d scoured my brain in search of it. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find it.

  “It’s looking really good, Hunter.”

  Ellison. I knew her voice. It was imprinted in my thoughts and seared into my memory. It was musical. It was a sound I would never be able to hear enough. I was seriously starting to lose it and it was driving me fucking mad. It had to be an infection of some sort. I had to be sick. Because there was no other reason why I should be feeling what I was for this girl.

  Turning towards her, I reached up to wipe some sweat from my forehead. She laughed and pointed.

  “You just smeared paint all over your head. The light blue looks good on you.”

  Well, shit, it’s better than the pink calamine lotion …

  She was dressed in her hiking gear and her bags hung off her shoulders. The two devil beasts were at her feet, but luckily, they were too tired from the hike to mess up the job I’d just finished. I had to thank nature for that small favor.

  My lips curled into a grin. “Thanks. Just have to finish the trim and it’s done. Bill says I can take a break after that for a day or two before starting on the porch.”

  Ellison made a point to look around my shoulder at the porch in question. When she returned
her eyes to me, she laughed and commented, “That should take you the rest of the summer to complete. Good luck to you.”

  I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped me. I knew she was joking — but not really. The porch was bad, real bad, and there was no telling what types of dangerous booby traps were hidden within the piles of crap that covered it.

  “What are you planning on doing during your break?”

  I watched a bead of sweat slide down from her temple to her cheek. It shone against her sun kissed skin and I suddenly remembered the salty taste of her. It was a thought I shouldn’t have been thinking, but I was thinking it anyway. Nature fucked me again when a gust of wind blew across us and her scent blanketed me. My body shuddered and my mouth watered. My tongue flicked out to lick along my lip and her eyes followed the motion. This was the hardest thing I’d ever done: keeping myself from kissing her was next to impossible.

  “I don’t have any plans yet.” I should have come up with something … lied … not opened myself up for the invitation I knew was coming.

  “Well, you’re welcome to come along with me on the trails. We could take a shorter one tomorrow and do some fishing. I think you’d have fun. I’ll invite Lily to come along, but she’s been at Ryan’s a lot lately and she probably won’t come with us.”

  She was lonely without Lily. I could see that and it wasn’t a good time for her to have nobody. She was hurting. It was obvious in her demeanor and I wondered if they received some of the test results about her father.

  “Yeah. That would be cool. Do I have to get up at the butt crack of dawn this time?”

  She laughed. “Nope. Although the fish will be biting better in the early morning than they would at midday. If you actually want to catch something, it’s best we go early.”