by B. A. Wolfe
I felt something damp between my legs and quickly lowered my panties to see what it was. An overwhelming dizzying sensation hit me like a truckload of bricks as I saw bright red spotted on my panties. I grabbed hold of the counter so I didn’t fall over. As I steadied myself, I pulled the panties down the rest of the way and suddenly needed to see if there was more. I grabbed a handful of toilet paper, and closing my eyes, wiped myself.
Something had changed from the previous days of not wanting this baby. My feelings immediately went into protective mother mode. I knew that whatever was going on had to do with the baby, with my baby. My chest hurt as my breathing became painful. “Please Lord, please, let there be no blood,” I whispered before looking at the tissue. My heart sank. There was blood, more blood than I knew was okay. Oh my God. I stopped moving; my body became numb as I let the situation sink in. Miscarriage came to mind and thoughts of Trish losing her baby, and then the reality hit, losing my baby. I couldn’t lose it. It was mine. I didn’t want the baby before, but something inside pulled on my heart as it told me I might not need the baby, but my baby needed me.
I didn’t even remember walking back to Jason’s room. The light was on and Jason was sitting on the edge of his bed. I didn’t know what to say so I stopped in front of him, feeling lifeless as I looked past him. All I could think about was what was happening inside my body. My fear had frozen me.
“Cassie? What’s wrong? You look like you just saw a ghost.”
“I’m-I’m scared, I don’t know what to do.”
“What’s going on?” he asked, sounding panicked.
“There’s blood. I’m bleeding, and I know it’s not okay,” I cried. I buried my face in my hands, and within seconds, his arms wrapped around me, holding me to him, as if he knew this was bad.
“Shit,” he muttered as he continued to hold me. “We need to get to the hospital.”
“I didn’t want the baby. I wanted more than anything for it to just disappear, to disintegrate inside me. I prayed the accident took care of it. Then it didn’t, and I cursed the damn thing growing inside of me. I hated it,” I screamed out, my forehead leaning against his chest. “It was ruining my life, and now, I just ruined its life. What am I going to do? I will never forgive myself if I knew I did this, if my praying and wishing were actually what caused this. I’ll never forgive myself.”
“Don’t think about that right now. Just focus on breathing in and out, slowly.”
I couldn’t stop thinking though. Losing my blueberry because I didn’t take care of myself was all I could think about. His hands grabbed my face as he pulled his body away from mine, peering down into my panic-laced eyes. He was trying to be strong for me, and I was grateful. I didn’t have the strength in me right now to do anything but cry.
“I’m calling my mom. Let’s get you upstairs to put some clothes on and then I’m taking you to the hospital. Just breathe, Sweetheart. It’s going to be okay,” he said as he pressed his lips to my forehead. “It just has to be,” he mumbled against my forehead. It had to, but that didn’t mean it would.
He grabbed my hand and never let go as we walked upstairs to my room. I didn’t even care about the silence between us as he dressed me like a child. He slipped on a new pair of panties as I hung on to his shoulders, putting one leg through each hole at a time. He did the same as he dressed me in a pair of yoga capris, my bra, and lastly, a tank top. The whole time he moved my body, putting on each article of clothing, I stood numbly in the room. I thought about each time I yelled at my baby and told it I didn’t want it. Each Goddamn time I thought about the ways it was ruining my life.
It was going to ruin my future.
I didn’t have a clue what was good and what was considered negligent.
“Why is it that so many women out there want a baby like you, yet here I am dreading every minute of this?”
“I’ve thought about abortion and adoption.”
“I don’t plan on keeping the baby.”
I didn’t even know what a gift I had until I was about to lose it, if I hadn’t already.
He pulled my hands from my face, holding them gently in his. I looked down through the wetness covering my eyes and noticed I had on my sandals. How could I ever repay him for this?
“Let’s go. Remember, just breathe. Focus on your breathing,” he said cautiously.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t focus on anything at the moment, let alone think about my breathing. He let go of my hands and pulled his phone out of his pocket.
“Mom, no, it’s Cassandra.”
“She’s... bleeding,” he whispered into the phone.
“Okay. Yeah. We’re on our way now.”
He slammed his phone shut and off we went to the truck, driving quickly out of the neighborhood. My eyes immediately went to the floor as nausea from the nerves pitted in my stomach. How could I have been so cruel?
“Hey, look at me, Sweetheart,” he said, grabbing my hand from my lap, lacing our fingers together. “Look at me,” he said with authority this time.
My neck turned as I did what he asked, my eyes connecting with his.
“You’re going to be fine and so is your baby.”
My heart squeezed tight at his words. I loved that he seemed so sure of things, that he had this positive outlook. I wish I had it, but I didn’t.
“Let’s play a game. Take your mind off of things until we get there.”
I shook my head. I wasn’t in the mood to play a game. “We aren’t at the diner.”
“It’s truck trivia and we have until we get to the hospital. I’ll go first,” he said as he kept one hand on the steering wheel, the other gripping mine even tighter.
I closed my eyes. I would try to play his stupid game, but I didn’t know how far trying would get us.
“What’s your happiest memory when you were a kid?”
I sighed. I couldn’t think about happy right now.
“It’s okay. Just answer the question,” he said in a soft voice.
I looked over at him, his eyes switching between the road and me, and his thumb gently rubbing my hand. I had to try. I let out a breath and thought of my answer. It wasn’t a hard one.
“I remember when I was young, about twelve years old, and my mom finally broke down and bought me a hard backed journal. I had begged for one for what seemed like forever, but my dad kept telling me what nonsense it was to want to write, especially when I could read and learn something instead. She snuck it into my room when I was at school, so when I came home that afternoon, it was on my desk with a little pink ribbon tied around it,” I told him, picturing that afternoon in my mind. “A note tied to the ribbon said, ‘To Cassandra, write away my darling’ in my mother’s handwriting. I knew without a doubt that my father had no clue about it. That night, I wrote until my hand cramped. It was our little secret and I’ll never forget it. I kept it hidden in my closet behind my clothes and every night I would write. It was my outlet. I could write about anything I wanted and no one could tell me otherwise.”
I heard Jason sigh. “God, you should see your smile right now,” he said, his neck turning as his eyes found mine. “We’re here by the way.”
I looked in front of us. Sure enough, we were. I let out a long breath and looked over at him. “Thank you.”
He nodded before dashing out of his door. “Mom’s waiting for us with the doctor,” he said as he helped me out of the truck.
And there she was, waiting with a wheelchair. I sat down and she wheeled me inside of yet another ER room. This was becoming a weekly thing, and I just prayed it was good news like the last time, that everything was fine.
My body shook as Trish had me change into a gown, put me on an IV, and helped me in the bed. She didn’t say a word, but every now and then, her soft eyes would find mine. They looked as worried as I felt, but she tried to play it off as though she wasn’t. She would flash me a quick smile before continuing the check of my vitals. I could only guess that my blood pressure wa
s high.
“You need to try and calm down. Dr. Rich will be in here soon. Just try and think positive, okay Sweetie?”
I nodded, unsure if I could do as she asked. She of all people knew I wouldn’t. It helped though that she was here. Jason was told to sit in the waiting room, but I knew by the way Trish kept looking at the closed curtain that he was on the other side. Trish caught me looking at her as she stared at the curtain.
“He can come in when we are all done, okay,” she said quietly.
“I’m right here, Cassie. I’m not going anywhere,” I heard Jason’s voice say from the other side of the curtain. I was sure a tear or two fell from my eyes as his sweet voice echoed through my room.
I wanted him to hold my trembling hand, but I also needed the doctor to come in so I knew what was going on. My mind raced with every thought imaginable, good and bad, but mostly the terrible.
Trish was finally finished writing in my chart when Dr. Rich came in. He adjusted his glasses and focused on the chart for what felt like an hour, but was only mere minutes. He walked over to the bed and as he did, I inhaled a deep breath. This was it.
“Cassandra, Trish says you are bleeding. When did it start?” he asked, looking down at me.
I clasped my hands together and held them tightly as I got ready to answer his question. “I woke up this morning with a strange cramp. I had two before I decided to go to the bathroom to see what was wrong. I looked down after I felt something wet between my legs and noticed the-the blood.”
“Okay,” he muttered as he wrote in his file. “How much blood and what do the cramps feel like?”
I closed my eyes, remembering the blood that I saw this morning. “There was enough to see it on the toilet paper and on my panties. The cramps are not at all what they feel like during my periods. They are light. They don’t really hurt; they just feel strange. What’s happening to me?”
He handed Trish the folder and sat on the stool. “A lot could be happening right now. We’re going to do an exam first and see what’s going on.”
“Is my baby going to make it?” I asked, my voice trembling. I didn’t care about the gibberish he was speaking, I needed to know the answer. I needed to know it was going to be okay, that this sort of stuff happened all the time and ended with good results.
He closed his folder and looked at me with a smile. It wasn’t a fake, or an out-of-pity smile, but a genuine one. He pulled his glasses off and held them in his hand while he looked at me.
“Cassandra, we don’t know much right now, but I promise you we will find out. Why don’t you take a couple of deep breaths for me while we get you set up for the exam, okay?”
“Okay.” I took in a few deep breaths while he prepared.
Trish came over and stood by me, grabbing my hand in hers. “We got through the first exam just fine, Sweetie. We’re going to get through this one too.”
I squeezed her hand. I hoped so. I seriously fucking hoped so.
My legs were propped into the stirrups once again and the screen of the ultrasound was in place, the back facing me.
“Are you ready?” Dr. Rich asked.
“Yeah,” I mumbled as I gripped Trish’s hand tighter, feeling like I was crushing it.
“Go ahead and relax for me. I am inserting the probe now. You might feel some slight pressure,” he said as he slowly inserted the probe.
There was pressure, but nothing was worse than the agonizing pain of waiting; it was tearing me up from the inside out. Dr. Rich continued moving the probe around as he looked at the screen while mumbling to himself. Sometimes I would see Trish trying to look at him or the screen, but he was being too quiet. Not one word slipped out of his mouth. I put my hand to my eyes and closed them. The suspense was eating me alive. Every ounce of hope I had coming in here was slowly fading the longer Dr. Rich was silent.
“Okay,” he said, his voice flat. I slowly tore my hand off my eyes and lifted my eyelids to see Trish staring at Dr. Rich, waiting for an answer too. I looked over at him and just as his voice was impassive, so was his face.
“Cassandra,” he said softly as his hand quickly moved the screen to face Trish and me. “Your baby is doing just fine.”
“Oh my God,” I said, letting out the breath I had been holding in all too long. I felt Trish’s hand squeezing mine as she heard the news.
Dr. Rich pointed to the screen. “We are measuring at about seven weeks now and there is the heartbeat. It is measuring at 123, which is perfect. And, the spot right there,” he said, pointing to it, “is your baby.”
I looked at Trish who had a tear rolling down her cheek. Her face matched mine, happy and relieved. “Thank you,” I mouthed to her, letting my tears stream freely. Dr. Rich pulled the probe out and turned the ultrasound machine off.
“Can I see Jason now?” I asked Trish. She looked over to Dr. Rich.
“I’ll be back in to talk to you about what’s going on,” Dr. Rich told me as he and Trish left my room.
Jason didn’t take long to come in. I knew he already heard the news, but I couldn’t help telling him myself. “Jase, my baby is okay.”
He immediately walked to my bed, sat on the side, and pulled me into his arms. “Thank God,” he said quietly as he held me tightly.
“You told me everything was going to be okay, and it was. How do you stay so positive all the time?” I asked as he pulled back from me.
“It’s a choice I make. If something is going to happen, why not think positive about it? Then, at least it won’t scare you so much,” he said quietly as he put his hand to my cheek.
“You amaze me every day,” I said as I held his hand on my cheek.
He placed his lips on my forehead before getting off of the bed. “They said I only had a few minutes, but as soon as the doctor is out of here, I’ll be back in, okay?”
“I’m counting on it,” I said as I grabbed his hand, reluctant to let it go.
He kissed the top of my hand before slowly pulling away and leaving, closing the curtain behind him.
Dr. Rich walked back in looking overly perplexed. My eyes followed as he walked to the counter with my file, and then finally stood in front of my bed. I lifted a brow up to him; this happy moment of finding out my baby was still okay started to dissipate as Dr. Rich silently stood there.
“Cassandra,” he said, looking down at my file. “We need to discuss a few things about the bleeding and cramping.”
“Okay,” I replied, my shaky voice returning.
He finally looked up and took off his glasses before taking a breath and sitting on the edge of my bed. “Women in their first trimester can bleed; they can bleed for no reason or for extremely problematic ones. From the exam we just did, I am going to rule out any problematic reasons as your baby is still fine and growing healthy inside of you,” he said. I swallowed the golf ball sized lump that was stuck in my throat. “Many women who have first trimester bleeding go on to have very healthy babies. There is, however, nothing you can do to prevent a miscarriage. They happen for no reason, at any time. I don’t want to scare you, but I need you to know this.”
My heart fell to the floor. I closed my eyes and shook my head.
“I’m not saying it’s going to happen, but I want you to know there is nothing you can do to prevent it from happening. You need to just do the best you can to relax, not stress, take care of yourself, and think positively, okay?”
I heard his words, pictured him in my mind as I kept my eyes closed. I could feel the salty tears reach my mouth before I finally opened my eyes. “What caused the bleeding then? Was it something I did?”
“Cassandra, your cervix is closed and we saw the heartbeat on the monitor. Bleeding happens. In fact, it always amazes me that we can make phones smarter than most humans, but we have yet to figure out what causes bleeding in pregnant women.”
“So there’s nothing I can do to prevent it?” I didn’t believe him; I didn’t understand how something so horrible could happen to me with
out explanation.
He shook his head. “No, there is nothing, but what I would like you to do is start taking it easy. Go rest for the remainder of the day, no walking around, and no exercising. I want you to stay calm and lie down. Doctor’s orders.”
I felt like I was already doing that, aside from stressing about life. I would do this though; I would make damn sure I was resting today.
“If the bleeding or cramping gets worse, you rush right back in here. Okay?”
“Yes Dr. Rich. Thank you.”
“Of course,” he replied, grabbed the file, and left the room.
A few moments later, Trish came walking in. “Doing okay Sweetie?”
“I was when I found out the baby was okay, and now, my stomach is back to shreds. Dr. Rich said there is nothing I can do to prevent a miscarriage. I can’t even protect my own child.” I put a hand protectively over my stomach.
She walked over to me and rested her hand on my shoulder. “I know, Sweetie. I know this all too well, but you need to allow yourself to stay positive right now. Don’t stress over the ‘what if’s’. Take all of the energy in the part of you that wants to play every bad scenario there could be, and wash it out with happy thoughts, positive emotions. Anything, but what you’re thinking right now. You can’t change the outcome of this, so worrying is making it worse.” She kept her motherly brown eyes on mine. She always seemed to know the right words to say.
I let out a deep breath. “Thanks Trish. I don’t even know how to repay you for how kind you’ve been to me.”
“Keep that smile on your face. That’s how you can repay me,” she said before starting to take my IV out.
“I can do that,” I said.
“Good. So all of your blood work came back great. Dr. Rich says it’s okay to release you now, but if you have any more problems, let Jason know and get right back okay?”
