by B. A. Wolfe
Too well, apparently. Letting go of a long breath, the tension eased from my shoulders as I said, “I don’t know what to do, Kasey.”
A slow smile curved her lips.
“What?” I asked, impatient.
She chuckled. “Make a move, you pansy ass. She likes you. A whole helluva lot. I had to get the scoop out of her too.”
“What did she tell you?” I sounded way too eager for a guy that was twenty-two.
She shook her head. “I’ve already told you enough. Bottom line, she likes you, you like her. So, make your move already.”
“I don’t think it’s a goo—” Her hand hovered over my mouth, stopping what she knew was going to come out of it; the reason why I should not make a move.
“Just go with it, Jason. I see the way you look at her. Even when you brought her over for dinner at Maggie’s,” she said, narrowing her gaze on me. “What is it you always say? Let the-the—”
“Chips fall where they may,” I reminded her.
“That’s it!” Kasey squealed. “Let them fall where they may. Make a move and let the rest work itself out.”
I sighed. “We’ll see. I can’t promise anything, but I appreciate the subtle nudge.” We both laughed.
“You deserve to be happy too, Jason.”
She was right. I needed to follow my own damn advice. Tonight, I’d let the chip
***
We were at our family farm. And suffice it to say, the night wasn’t turning out like I’d thought. At all. Was this what I agreed to when I said I’d let the chips fall?
Everything Cassie held captive, all her secrets were out. And the little fact that I knew she was pregnant and told her is what started it all.
Cassie’s story was still fresh in my brain, my secret still locked away in my heart, and a million unspoken words hung in the chilled night air between us. I hated hearing about Cassie with some other guy. I hated that the guy didn’t even know the stress she’d been under. Or the fact that she wasn’t even sure she’d want her baby. How she couldn’t want something she created, or want to hold a piece of herself in her arms was crazy to me. There were so many things I hated, but there was nothing that I loved more than being out here with her. I had been right, when I first saw her, those eyes weren’t wide as saucers just because of her car accident. She was running, and afraid, and there was no way to explain how grateful I was to be there for her. To be her man if she’d let me, her support when I was so used to needing my own.
We stood in the field, wheat stalks surrounding us, her body inches from mine, her breath whispering over my face every time she exhaled. She was fighting for my secret but the imaginary grip I had on it tightened. I couldn’t. She couldn’t worry about me. I wouldn’t let her.
“What are you hiding? What’s going on?” she pleaded.
My chest pinched and then truths I’d never expected to leave my mouth, poured out of me like I couldn’t say them fast enough. “You’ll just have to trust me, when I’m ready to talk about it I will, but right now all I can think about is you. I don’t know what it is, but you drive me wild inside. You make me want to protect you from everything even though I know you’re strong enough to take care of yourself. I just want to be with you, letting you know every day how amazing you are, giving you the courage you need to kick back when life tries to throw another hurdle your way.” The moment ran through my veins like she became my blood, my oxygen, my elements to live. I reached up and slid my warm hand against her chilled cheek. Fire and ice. Cassie and Jase.
She leaned into my palm and each beat in my chest tripled in speed. I glanced from her hazel pools shining against the moon and then to her red, plump lips. “I want to kiss you so bad right now,” I murmured. There was nothing I wanted more. Not even my kidney. Her lips would save me. I knew they would, because she was already bringing me back from a death I didn’t know I’d been in.
“Jase, I would love for you to wrap your arms around me and kiss me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted in a guy. Now you’re here right in front of me telling me you want these things too, but it feels like the timing is just all wrong.” Her voice cracked and I was sure the same crack split my heart when she pulled away from my touch.
She held her chest, pain crossing her face as if she hated the distance as much I did. I couldn’t bear it a second longer. Time was a bastard and I swear it caused me more grief than not. There wasn’t a right time anymore, I decided. If I kept waiting for a clear sign, a moment that was ours, I’d be too late. She’d be gone and back to Denver and I’d never get the chance to do what I felt.
“If you wait for the right time for anything, it will always be too late.” My voice was quiet as I motioned for her to move closer. “Come here.”
She inhaled a slow breath, her gaze locked on mine. She didn’t just walk, she ran, racing toward me, before leaping into my waiting arms. I wrapped my hands around her, stole one last glimpse of her loving eyes, and knew she was mine for the taking. Not wasting another second, I pressed my mouth to hers.
She went limp and I cradled her tighter, not letting her fall. I wanted her. Wanted this. Every single minute, hour, sunrise and sunset that I’d been falling for this girl, poured from my lips to hers. No kiss would ever compare. No heat from our bodies, no soft brush of her tongue against mine, would even come close. And I was pretty sure that if I hadn’t already fallen in love with her, I was there now. She even tasted sweet. She was without a doubt, my sweetheart. I never wanted this moment to end, but I knew like all things, it would.
Later that night, when everyone else was asleep I lay restless in my bed, unable to think of anything but the events that happened just hours before. Grabbing a pen and my notepad I smiled, knowing I had to tell Dan everything.
Dan,
This girl has me doing a lot of firsts. But the biggest? I’ve never hit a man. Well, I hit Jeff. I squared my fist right in his face. He asked her for a dance and then his fingers cradled her waist. A waist that may or may not have belonged to me, but it didn’t matter. It wasn’t his either.
I lost every ounce of control. The only thing I kept thinking was that he couldn’t touch her that way. He didn’t have the right. He had no clue what was going on in her life and she was too nice to tell him no. I guess I finally found a girl worth fighting for, huh?
Ready for the next big thing? I told her that I knew she was pregnant and she was shocked and didn’t deny it. I know you said to let her come to me but I couldn’t. She told me her story, she asked if I was hiding anything and I avoided it like the plague. Maybe I was being selfish but my heart told me she didn’t need that burden too. What I didn’t expect was to make the move that I did. I kissed her. She kissed me.
Right now as I write this, she’s upstairs and I wonder what she’s thinking. Does she regret it? Because I don’t at all. I haven’t felt this good, this alive in a long time. What’s this girl doing to me? She’s impossible to let go of. She consumes me, day and night. And the sick part? I like it.
Jase
I folded Dan’s letter and ran my hands through my hair, tugging at the tips before releasing it with a sigh. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t shake that kiss. Reaching to my side, I snatched up my phone and texted her.
Me: Are you asleep yet?
My chest thundered with each passing second.
Cassie: Not a chance.
A huge grin split my lips, I couldn’t text back fast enough.
Me: Me either.
I flew off my bed and went to my door. The way my palms sweated and my heart raced, I knew she’d be on the other side. And when a light tap rang in my ears, I smirked and opened the barrier between us. Cassie’s chest rose and fell in a heavy pattern as she stared at me, lust veiling her half-hooded eyes. That kiss was as fresh on her mind as it was mine. Grabbing her by the waist and yanking her to me, I knew I’d do anything to get another taste.
Eight
MY MIND REELED, REPLAYING last night like it was only seconds ago instead of several
hours. Every once in a while I’d think it was just a dream, but it had really happened. And it was a first kiss that I wished I could experience every day.
What I hadn’t expected was the guilt washing over me in the morning. I remember watching her sleep in my bed before I left for work. All tucked into herself, the blanket snuggled around her body, so serene. And when I had turned to leave, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and all of my secrets that I bottled up inside were ready to explode like a shaken soda. I wondered how on earth I could kiss such an innocent girl when I kept such a terrible secret from her.
My phone buzzed, bringing me out of my thoughts as I sat at the front desk in the hardware store, working. Or at least trying to.
Cassie’s feisty friend, Mel, was calling. I couldn’t handle it right now. She’d have questions and I’d only have jumbled words for answers. It was not happening. The call continued to go unanswered as the lights flashed and it vibrated on the desk. When the phone went blank and stopped moving, I released a heavy breath, thankful it was over, and went back to my computer screen.
After double checking my work, I loaded the printer with our orange labels, clicked the button, and waited. And. Waited . . .
I pounded my fist on the damn machine that continued to “spool” the new price labels. “Piece of crap. Print already!”
“Whoa. What’s up with you, man?”
I glanced up at the sound of Moose’s voice, he stood in front of the desk. “Nothing,” I grumbled.
“Bullshit. Come on.” He snatched a piece of candy from the dish on the counter.
“It’s nothing.”
“Clearly.” He lifted a brow and leaned against the wall next to the desk. “Cassie’s really cool man.”
I couldn’t talk about her. “Dude, you’re getting low on u-bolts.”
The mint clacked against his teeth as he swirled it around his mouth. “Okay, I work in a couple days, so I’ll order more then. Will you write a note to remind me?”
“Yeah.” I scribbled the memo on a post-it and stuck it to the edge of the keyboard. “What are you doing here anyway? Shouldn’t you be working on Cassie’s car?”
“Dude, you told me to take my time. So,” he waved his arms in front of him, “I’m takin’ my time.”
“Yeah, I know, but, maybe it’s best if you just do your job and get it done.” I reached out and snatched the labels as they finally spewed out from the printer.
“Okayyyyy?” His drawn out voice sounded as confused as I felt.
Frustrated, I stalked off, and he followed me over to aisle three where I was jabbing new price tags onto the shelves.
“Who’s this guy and where did Jason go?” Moose’s finger squiggled up and down in my direction.
“That Jason had a momentary lapse in judgement.” I braced my clenched fists against the metal rack and stared down at the shiny tile. “He didn’t think about everyone involved.”
“You haven’t told her?” His shocked tone didn’t surprise me.
I shook my head that still hung low.
She had a mountain on her shoulders and then I was supposed to add to it and break it to her that I was sick? I wasn’t an idiot. I saw how my problems affected everyone around me. But this someone was different. She couldn’t bear the weight of anything else. Especially problems that weren’t hers. At least I was a caring, sick, selfish prick.
I pushed off the rack and crossed my arms over my pounding chest.
“Shit, Jason. The longer you wait, the worse it’s gonna be. It’s your business,” he raised his hands while shrugging his shoulders, “but women aren’t ones to mess with. Don’t ruin a good thing, man.”
I huffed. “Don’t ruin a good thing? There isn’t anything to have. She’ll be leaving soon and then what? Everything goes back to normal and I go back to the way things were without her?”
“Do you like her?” Moose asked, like he was curious if I liked something as simple ice cream. This was bigger than frozen dairy.
I popped a brow. “What kind of question is that?” I think I love her.
“You know what kind of question it is.” A toothy grin spread across his face.
There was no smile on mine though. It was a simple yes or no, but the fight between my heart and my mouth wouldn’t release an answer. One of our hearts was bound to break at the end of this. And I wasn’t ready for mine to be crushed again and I sure as hell didn’t want hers to break.
“I don’t know, okay?”
“You’re as confusing as a damn chick. Stop thinkin’ so much. You always tell us that, maybe you need to listen to your own freaking advice.”
Shoving my hands into my pockets, I paced along the aisle. Something I learned from Dan, except it wasn’t helping.
“Hey, does she have a sister?”
Moose’s question halted my movements. I yanked my hand out and threw the towel from my back pocket at him. “Go get her car fixed.”
He caught it and laughed. “Damn. Pull the tampon out, would ya?” His voice was lighthearted, but I knew there was truth to it. “All right, I’m out.”
I nodded. “See ya’.”
As the clock turned five, I locked the shop doors behind me and got into my truck. My foot barely pressed against the gas as I headed to my house, driving ten miles under the speed limit, which was already low as it was. I should be racing, foot hammered, pedal to the metal, trying to get home to that beautiful face. But no. I moved at a snail’s pace. Cranking down the window, I rested my arm on the edge, hoping the fresh air would cool my nerves.
Ten minutes later, I pulled into the driveway and shifted my truck into park. I hated that my stomach was nauseous. There wasn’t a handbook on this. How to tell your girl you’re sick. So, did I come clean and tell her, knowing she’d walk away hurt? Or did I keep my secret, let her think I was just some regular guy like she thought I was? Or better yet, did I back off and put some distance between us and not let whatever we had go any further?
None of my options were appealing and I decided that I was screwed either way.
Having sat in the truck long enough, I slipped out of the driver’s seat, shut the door, and headed up the gravel drive. Needles pricked my chest, one for each second I stared at her sitting on the swing on the porch, smiling at me, as if she’d been waiting for me to get home.
With a lousy excuse for a smile, I inched my way to the porch and sank next to her on the swing. Except it might as well have been on the opposite end of the world with as much as I left between us. This was going to be harder than I thought.
“Hey, Jase.” Her chipper, sweet voice broke the silence first.
“Hey,” I muttered, shifting in my seat, uncomfortable in my own skin.
Relax, man.
“How was work?” she asked, as if she were trying to pull words from me.
Stalling, I ran my hand through my messy hair and gazed at the front lawn. Tell her, Jason. No. “It was fine,” I mumbled.
Her breath hitched and those damn needles were back, but instead of pricks they hammered. I was doing a horrible job at being my normal self. I couldn’t believe I just told her that I was fine. Damn it. Ready to give it another shot, I glanced her way. The second I did, my heart leapt into my throat at the sight of her. The beginning of a frown twisted her pretty face.
I had to fix this.
“How was your day?” I asked, forcing my own smile. How could I act happy knowing what an ass I was being?
“It was fine.” Her voice was as cold as her features, causing my heart to ice over. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. We weren’t supposed to be acting like strangers, pretending to be two people who weren’t even friends or hadn’t shared a kiss. This wasn’t us.
I didn’t know what to say, but I had to say something. Releasing a long overdue breath, I massaged the kink in my neck and opened my mouth. “Cassandra—”
That was all I got out before my mom interrupted me to tell us it was time for dinner.
&n
bsp; Every word I wanted to say hung in the icy air between us. Every truth she deserved to hear, every lie I wished I could take back, every thought I had, dangled over our heads like a dark cloud.
The worst part was the relief Cassandra wore when my mom came out. The creases from her forehead vanished like they never existed at all as she stood from the swing and followed my mom in. It was as if she didn’t want to hear what I had to say.
***
After dinner, I panicked. She knew I was off tonight. I started a sentence and stumbled over each word, trying to tell her we had to slow down, go back to the way things were, but everything I wanted to tell her refused to come out. It was as though my heart knew it wasn’t what I wanted to say. So, she went to her room, upset. And I went to mine even more upset.
I sat on my bed and did the only thing I could, it was the shortest letter yet.
Dan,
I messed up. Big time. Last night, I was full of life about a kiss and today I had time to process. Bottom line: What was I thinking? She deserves better, man. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it’s too late to tell her. Regardless if, or when I tell her, she’ll hate me. I know it. Because I’ve kept the biggest secret from her. I’m a coward with no right to do what I did. Moment or not, what we shared shouldn’t have happened. I need to know what to do, Dan. Is it too late? Do I just let her go and back off? Let her live her life in peace without me? Help me. Please.
Jase
Nine
MAYBE I WAS A STALKER, maybe I wasn’t. But all I could do as I sat at work was stare at her through the window behind my desk. Around two o’clock, Cassandra sat in my favorite spot down the street, eating a picnic lunch as she relaxed on the grass.
And there I was, only able to think of one thing: Could I really let her go? That beautiful girl who had made me feel alive.
The answer was easy. Hell no.
Last night was painful enough and I knew that I had to fix it. I wasn’t entirely positive how, but I would. Actually, that was a lie. I knew how. Plain and simple, what she deserved was the truth.
