by B. A. Wolfe
“Good news is that I’m not a sap like she is. Ain’t no tears comin’ out of these manly eyes.” Moose puffed out his chest as his boots clanked across the floor toward me.
“You’re the best, you know that?”
***
Dan
I waited for my mom to leave my dad’s room. His surgery scared me just as much as Cassandra’s did. She was my heart, but he was Dad. I wiped my sweating palms down my jeans as my mom rushed past me in silence. I sighed and crossed the somber threshold.
The difference between his room and Cassie’s was like night and day. She’d had her blinds open with the sun blaring through them, lighting the whole room. My dad’s room was dark. No noise, no chatter. Nothing. My muscles tensed as I lowered onto the chair by his bed. He stared forward as if I went unnoticed.
“Hey,” I said, breaking the silence. My knee bounced with each nerve that pulsated through me.
“Son . . .” His deep voice paused. My heart thudded against my chest. My dad and I didn’t have the best relationship—it wouldn’t take Dr. Phil to figure that out—but he was still my dad. I loved him. I just didn’t know how to tell him.
“Yeah?”
His tongue slapped against the roof of his mouth. “Your mom . . .” His jaw muscles tightened at his own words. I gripped my hands together, taking my anxiety out on them. “She’s not handling this well.” The way she ran out of here, I knew she wasn’t. “What Cassandra is doing for this family is . . .” His eyes drifted to his blanket.
“I know, Dad. I know.” I choked back tears. I couldn’t cry in front of this man. “She’s incredibly brave and so are you.” My last words were spoken through clenched teeth.
“No, son. I’m not brave. I’m just sick. You’re both the brave ones. You guys want to give and to help. What Cassandra’s doing for me, for this family, I’ll never be able to repay her.”
“Dad—”
“Let me finish, son.” I closed my mouth and let him talk. “What you did for Jason, I took for granted. You were such a brave young man, giving your brother a part of you. I know I haven’t been kind to you, son, but know that I’ll always love you. I always have.”
My hands couldn’t wipe the tears from my face fast enough. I was a lousy excuse of a man sitting there with tears streaming down my face as I sat in front of my dad. His words—they did something to me. It was as if they patched a hole in my heart that I never knew needed mending until now.
“I was unhappy, Dan. I felt so responsible that my baby boy had to deal with something I passed onto him. I don’t deserve to be sitting here right now. It should be Jason, not me that’s getting this kidney.”
I rose from my chair and approached his bed. I gripped his aging hand in mine and held it. His once wide eyes softened as I peered at him. “Don’t say things like that. I’d have given you my last kidney if they let me, so stop talking like that. What happened last time—it’s not going to happen again. It won’t. It can’t. Mom needs you. I need you. We all need you.” It was now or never. “I-I love you, Dad.”
“I love you too.” His hand squeezed mine. “Take care of your mom for me.”
“I will.”
I’d never forget this moment. He finally understood the sacrifice I made for my brother, for this family. He’d be okay and so would this family.
“It’s time.” My mom’s voice echoed around the room. My dad’s hand released mine as if our moment was a secret.
My brows knit together. “I’ll see you when you get done.”
My dad nodded. “Tell Cassandra thank you again for me, will you?”
I nodded. “Of course.”
***
Cassandra
I handed Moose the letter I’d written. “You know what to do with it, right?”
He smiled as he slipped it in his back pocket “I’ll make sure it gets to him.”
“They said it’s time, Cassie.” Aidan’s quiet voice interrupted us. Moose shot me a weak smile and quietly passed by Aidan, leaving the room.
“Already?” I asked. My voice was laced with the same uneasiness that came from Aidan. I wasn’t ready yet. Not even close.
He nodded and was at my side within seconds. His eyes were red and glassy. I didn’t want our last moment to be like this—to be sad. “Don’t be upset. Please don’t cry.” He brought my hand to his mouth and pressed a long kiss to my palm.
Loud voices echoed around the room and soon my hand was torn from Aidan’s. Nurses invaded our space, readying my bed to travel to the OR. I stretched my arms out, but I was pulled further and further away from Aidan. It felt like I was wading through deep waters and would never be able to reach the lifeboat. He continued to drift further, his shoulders hunched into his body as my bed exited the room.
All I saw was his back. That was it. My heart pounded against my chest as he floated even further away. I reached out once more, but the nurse guided my arm down to the bed, eyeing me as if I were nuts.
This was wrong. I couldn’t leave things like that. I needed more time with him. What if . . . what if that was my last moment? No! I couldn’t have my last memories of him be his back. “Wait!”
Everyone halted. My bed stopped in place and every eye except the ones I wanted were on me. “XO!” I yelled. His long legs stopped and within seconds, he turned. A sad smile swept across his face. Several quick-paced steps later, he was at my side. “XO, Aidan. Please. One last time.”
His hands framed my face and his lips crashed onto mine. I pressed hard into his mouth, savoring this moment. Our lips connected far longer than anyone around us would have liked, but I didn’t care. It might be my last kiss. “I need an O,” I whispered against his lips.
“I’m afraid if I wrap my arms around you I won’t be able to let go, Cassie.”
I choked back a sob and peered into his eyes. “Please.”
His eyes welled as his hands released my face. A gentle sigh escaped me as his arms wrapped around my body. “I’ll always be your X and O,” he said softly against my ear.
My lips curved up as a tingle ran down the side of my neck. “And I’ll always be yours.”
“I love you,” he said in a strained voice.
“I love you too.”
The nurse gave a stern warning that it was time to go and he eased his arms from my desperate body even as I fought to keep him around me. He completely released me and my bed continued down the hall. Nerves set in full force as they wheeled me away. Aidan stood where we left, tears falling down his cheeks. I lifted my hand and waved goodbye. “Tell baby Jase I love him,” I shouted. His hand went to his chest and he nodded. That was the last I saw of him.
Nurses were on either side of me, and Aidan was nowhere to be seen. He was my security blanket, my comfort in the dark. I needed him. They rolled me through a set of wide double doors and there I lay in an operating room. My heart rate accelerated as they spoke words I couldn’t comprehend.
The anesthesiologist sat at my head, smiled, and held something over my mouth and nose. “Okay, Cassandra. You’re going to count back from ten for me.” Ten, nine, eight, seven . . . six . . . five . . .
Tired, so tired . . .
Forty-Nine
Hour four
Dan
“DAN, YOU GOTTA CALM down, man. They’ll be fine. She’ll be fine. You’re scaring the piss outta your mom right now,” Moose mumbled under his breath.
My lungs burned. I couldn’t catch a breath as I paced the waiting room floor. They were on hour four of a three hour surgery and we still didn’t have updates on either of them. Yes, I was fucking scared and panicked. All of them should’ve been too.
“I just don’t understand what’s taking so long.” I raked a hand through my hair.
My mom bounced Jase in her anxious arms. She looked exhausted—emotionally drained. I sucked in a sharp breath and sat in the chair next to her. “How’s Jase doing?”
“Better than the rest of us.” Her voice was strained. “He demoli
shed his bottle. I think there’s too much going on. He doesn’t want to take a nap.”
I grinned as I watched his eyes soak in everything around him. “Let me take him, Mom.” She seemed hesitant at first, but then caved and handed Jase to me. “Hey, big guy.” He cooed as I stood and rocked him in my arms. “You’re being so strong, my little Robin. You’re making Batman look bad here,” I told him, laughing at myself.
My mom rested her head in her hands. She bore so much weight on her narrow shoulders. I wished I could take some of it away but there wasn’t anything I could do. What we both needed was to hear comforting words from the doctors. They were the only people who could relieve the gnawing pain that ate at us—all of us.
Moose sat next to Mel, chatting with her over God knew what. I had to remind myself to ask him if something was going on there. A smile tugged on my lips at the thought, knowing how excited Cassie would be.
With the first deep breath I’d been able to take in hours, I sat next to my mom. Jase fought sleep, but slowly was losing the battle. His eyes flickered a few last times and off to sleep he went. I peered up. My mom’s eyes were trained on the baby passed out in my arms. She playfully shook her head at me.
I snickered. “I can’t help it he loves his Dan-Dan.” I shrugged shamelessly and my mom laughed. I loved hearing that sound coming from her. My muscles relaxed as I sank deeper into the chair. Things would be okay. I had Jase in my arms, my body was loosening up, and my mom had smiled. Yep, things would be okay. Ten minutes later, every fiber of my being stood at attention as a nurse made her way toward us. She removed her surgical cap, strangling it in her hands. Every pulse in my body pounded with anxiety. My lungs labored with each step she took, Jase’s sleeping body rising and falling with the motion of it. I held him tighter against me.
This was it. This was the moment of truth.
My mom sat erect in her chair along with Mel and Moose, who were on the edge of their seats. The nurse had eight impatient, worried eyes pinning her to the very spot she stood.
Her dry lips parted and a gravitational pull had me leaning toward her, waiting for the words I so desperately needed to hear. She drew in an exaggerated breath and cleared her throat. “I apologize. It’s taking longer than we thought. The transplant proved more difficult than we expected.”
I closed my eyes and shut out the world around me. My nerves were about ready to explode, sending parts of me flying across the room. My only comfort was having little Robin in my arms.
“Bart received the kidney and he’s doing well. He’s in recovery and you’ll be able to see him shortly.” Her voice sounded optimistic. Thank, God. I sighed in relief and opened my eyes. My mom’s hand lowered to my knee and squeezed it. “Unfortunately, we ran into extreme complications with Cassandra.”
Extreme . . . Complications . . . What?
Stabs pierced my chest and worked their way deep into my soul. I scooted to the very edge of the seat. A nervous heat flashed through my body. My chest grew numb and my grip on Jase tensed. “Wh-what do you mean? She’s okay though, right?” She had to be okay. She had to.
The nurse’s eyes lowered to the floor. Her lips pressed into a grim line as she continued to fidget with her cap.
“She’s . . . she’s . . . okay, right?” I fought with all the fight I had in me to keep the pain from bursting out, but slowly all the hope I had dissipated. Tears stung behind my eyes as the nurse just stood there. She shook her head and closed her eyes. My heart shattered in my chest as her every move told me what I feared the most. No!
“Complications and risks come with any surgery, and the risks increase a great deal with those who donate an organ.” The nurse stepped forward, closing the distance between us. I couldn’t make out a face, just a blue set of scrubs that blurred in front of me. I didn’t want her words of wisdom. I knew what complications could arise. I’d lived and breathed them in more ways than anyone could imagine. I just wanted the damn truth. “Tell me,” I pleaded.
She cleared her throat and a grim expression appeared. “They removed Cassandra’s kidney, but aren’t able to control her bleeding.”
Fuck! No! God, no! I clutched Jase as if he were my lifeline. The only thing I had. My mom’s hand covered her mouth. Moose’s hand went to my shoulder and Mel remained silent. Why this family? Why?
“How bad is it?” Moose asked.
“We’re doing the best we can. We’ll keep you updated.”
What? That’s it? Nervous anger boiled inside me. “That’s not good enough,” I told her through clenched teeth.
She released a soft breath and inched even closer toward me. “She’s lost a lot of blood, sir. It doesn’t look good right now.”
My lids dropped, shutting out the world around me. I shook my head and let the tears roll down. My mom’s arms surrounded me. I let the world back into view. Mel stalked off down the hall.
Jase, I need you brother. Please, you have to keep her alive. Please.
The nurse’s throat cleared once more. I peered up at her. Her hand fidgeted and it was then I saw a flash of white hidden in it. “We found this in Cassandra’s bed as we moved her to the surgical table. We think she left it behind for one of you.” She handed me the small folded paper. “I’ll return as soon as I know something.”
With those final words the nurse departed. My stomach held on tight as I clutched the paper in my bare hand. I wasn’t sure I’d even be able to read it.
“Here, let me hold Jase.” Mom’s voice trembled.
Reluctantly, I let her take him from my needy arms. He was safe and secure with me, but my mom seemed a little more at peace with Jase in her hold. Beats pounded against my rib cage as the paper softened in my hand. What in God’s name did she leave behind? My heart told me to look, but my hands weren’t getting the message. I had to fight like hell to pry my fingers open. The paper lay in my palm. It was tiny. So small, just like Cassie. My hands were careful not to ruin the already torn piece of paper as I unfolded it. My stomach clenched as I soaked in the words scribbled in her handwriting.
Aidan,
Remember, even when I’m not with you that
I’m always in your heart and your mind
Just as you’re in mine
XO Forever
Cassie
Everything inside of me crashed down. Every last bit of hope lay between my feet on the cold, hard ground as I read the note. I took one last glance at Moose and decided to leave. “I-I gotta go,” I muttered. Moose nodded as if he could read my mind. I left the waiting room and padded down the hall, heading toward the elevator. I had nothing left for anyone in that room. I was an empty shell, a pitiful broken man whose heart crumbled in his chest at Cassie’s possible last words—the words that sat tucked away in my pocket.
A family full of smiles and laughter waited at the elevator as I approached. It killed me a little bit more to witness their excitement even as my world was collapsing around me. The elevator pinged and I let them enter first so they could stand in the back where I didn’t have to see their happy faces. The doors opened at the main floor and with my hands in my pockets, I left. Where was I going? Was I leaving? I didn’t even know. I wandered without purpose, without anything, until I reached a sign that stopped me in my tracks. I stared at the doors that led into the chapel. I knew what I needed to do.
With a heavy, agonized heart I stepped quietly into an empty room. My weighted steps made their way down the center aisle, passing rows of pews on either side. My feet halted as I neared the front. I lifted my eyes and peered at the cross that hung above the table there. The sun shone through two mosaic windows which bordered the cross, causing rainbows of color to decorate the room. It was beautiful, just like Cassie. My mind echoed her name and I dropped to my knees, my hands clasping the edge of the rough, wooden table.
My Sweet Tea. My Cassie. My everything. My amazing girl who did something so selfless—she couldn’t be gone. She had to make it. “Cassie . . .” I cried, letting everything
pour out of me. I didn’t care who saw or who thought what of the heartbroken man who silently wept.
I peered at the cross through tear-drenched eyes. The pit inside me grew, and the notion hit me. I had no one. Everyone had someone but me. Once again, I was left alone. Cassie was supposed to be holding me just as I had for her. I needed her. I was her X and her O. Always. I was the only one who could hug her and kiss her as if it were the first time, every time. Without question, I separated my lips and let my heart escape in the form of words.
“Cassie . . .” I wiped the tears from my cheeks. “You have to make it, baby. Please. I need you. You have a son who needs you. We’re supposed to raise baby Jase together.” Thoughts of a son without his mother clenched my stomach to a point of almost no return. I’d never leave that boy, but I wasn’t sure what kind of person I’d be, raising him without the woman I loved doing it with me.
“You have to hang on. You have to. I hope you know that you’re it for me. You’re embedded in my heart forever. Cassie; you’re the other half of my soul. Baby, I’m going to propose to you. I want to be your forever—your husband. I’m going to get down on one knee. My heart’s going to race the whole time as I hold your hand and you’ll stare down at me with those gorgeous golden eyes. I’m going to ask you if you’ll make me the happiest man on earth and be my wife and you’re going to say yes. Yes . . .”
I held the pressed wood with all my strength. “Our wedding will be beautiful, just like you.” I gripped tighter. “The minute I knew I was going to ask you to marry me, I had a vision I’ll never forget. You were in a white lace dress that fit like it was made just for you. It had this neckline that showed off your beautiful skin and your delicate collarbone. Your hair was breath taking. It was down with loose curls in it and I ran my fingers through it right before I kissed you for the first time as my wife. I remember thinking how incredibly stunning you were. Cassie, you looked like an angel.” Hard sobs escaped me at the thought that if she didn’t make it out of this, she’d be my angel where Jase was.
