by B. A. Wolfe
“Don’t leave me, baby. Please. We’re supposed to have lots of babies together. I want a little girl, one who looks just like you. She’ll be our little Maggie girl. We’ll name her after Grandma. We’ll take turns singing her Twinkle Twinkle. I know she’ll love it just as much as her brother.” A little baby girl with Cassie’s big eyes and blonde hair stole my vision.
“My life isn’t going to work without you in it!” I slammed my palms against the table. “I can’t lose you. Damn it. I never asked for a life where everyone was taken from me. I don’t want this life if you’re not in it. Please—for me, for Jase, and for this family, pull through. Fight like hell, baby.” She had to fight. I needed her to fight.
I peered up at the ceiling. “Jason, I don’t even know what to say. I miss you. God, I wish you were here with me right now. If there was ever a day I could use my brother, it’s today. Jason, if you can hear me, please don’t let them take her from me, from all of us.” My chin fell to my chest. “I’m falling apart here. I don’t even know if I can get up.”
My hands hit the floor next to me with all I had left. They stung, but it wasn’t enough pain to take away the agony centered in my chest. I sank lower, letting my head fall to my legs. I was a grown man bawling in a chapel and I didn’t care. All I knew was that today I could lose everything. Nothing else mattered. I soaked my jeans with my heartache.
If she didn’t make it, I had to know that my brother would protect her—be with her, since I couldn’t. “Please . . . take care of her. I-I love you, Jase,” I mumbled through my cries.
I lifted my distressed body from the floor and gulped one last breath. My muscles ached, my throat was swollen, and my heart—barely beating. Each step I took toward the door felt like a million needles stabbing my chest. All the needles twisted, digging deeper as I headed back to the surgical floor, toward the unknown. I was helpless, and that ate at me more than anyone would ever understand.
I. Couldn’t. Fix. This.
Fifty
Hour five
Dan
“YOU LOOK EXHAUSTED, Dan,” my mom said in a meek voice as she lowered onto the chair next to me. She was switching back and forth between my father and the waiting room. He was up but didn’t want to see anyone. I wanted to hug him and thank him for pulling through. Then I wanted to tell him this wasn’t his fault. I knew what he was thinking. The fact he wouldn’t see anyone but my mom fucking killed me.
“There’s nothing I can do, Mom. I don’t know what destroys me more: not being able to hold her hand through this, or not being able to do anything at all.”
“You’re here though, honey. You’re doing what you can.”
“How’s Dad?”
Her lips pressed into a flat line before she spoke. “He’s okay.”
“Good.” I didn’t know what else to say. There wasn’t really anything else to be said.
My mom’s hand found my knee. “I’ll be back; okay, honey?”
I nodded. She stood and left, padding her way down the hall. I should’ve gone with her and barged my way in to see my dad. My emotions were all over the place as I sat kicking myself for not being more insistent on seeing him. But I had nothing to give anyone. Hell, he didn’t want to see anyone, anyway.
With my elbows on my knees, I dropped my head in my hands and let my mind run. Everything under the sun came out to play as I waited for another doctor or nurse. We were on hour fucking five.
I lifted my head at the sound of loud footsteps. I expected to see a nurse or better yet, the actual damn doctor, but it was Mel.
“Moose had this in his pocket and I took it. I wish I wouldn’t have.” Pain blanketed her face.
I stared at the folded paper in her hand as if it were going to break me apart the minute I opened it. Her wet eyes begged me to take it from her; she thrust the letter at me like she couldn’t get rid of it fast enough.
I shook my head. No way in fucking hell. The note that sat in my pocket already took a piece of me away. I couldn’t handle anything else.
“You have to read this. Take it.” She slapped the letter onto my palm, not giving me a choice.
Moose came up behind her, holding Jase to his chest. “Man, I’m sorry. Mel grabbed it out of my back pocket after I told her Cass gave it to me. She didn’t realize it wasn’t for me. It was for . . .” Moose paused, his eyes trained on the floor. “It’s not for either of us.”
My brain admitted defeat. I had no choice. I had to read it. Moose stood there, rooted in his spot as I unfolded the paper that felt like a ten-ton brick in my hands.
To my sweet son, Jase.
I’m sorry that I’m not there to watch you grow up. To take you to your first day of school, to watch you play sports and just be a little boy. I’m so sorry, my beautiful son. Mommy did something she knew in her heart was the right thing to do. I don’t expect you to understand, but I knew that if something bad were to happen you’d be in such good hands with Aidan, Auntie Mel, Uncle Moose, Nana Trish, and Papa Bart. Please don’t be upset with me for not being able to be there to kiss your boo boos and make everything better in life.
I always wanted you to have a life I never did, Jase. I wanted you to feel as though you could chase those dreams and know your mom always supported you, no matter what they were. You are so loved and don’t you ever forget that. That is one thing I’ll never have to worry about. You have more love on your side than a mom could ever hope for.
Make sure you always listen to any advice Trish and Bart have to give you. Let your Auntie Mel and Uncle Moose be there for you. They were there holding my hand the day I delivered you into the world. They love you so much, sweet boy.
Now, I have to tell you about a very special man in your life named Aidan. Your mommy wanted to marry him one day, Jase. That’s how I know he’ll be the best person for you to have in your life. He was good for us both. You and Aidan each stole my heart and I know you belong together, keeping each other company like father and son. He’s your Batman and you’re his Robin. Together you two will grow up having a relationship I only dreamed you would have in your life. Let him be your protector and fight all the bad things away for you. He loves you so much, Jase. I know with all that I am he’s going to make the best dad in the world. For that, I couldn’t be more grateful that you have him in your life. I’m just sad I never got the chance to spend more time with you both as a family.
Have Aidan take you to the tree. He’ll know which one I’m talking about. Make sure your initial gets carved in it. You’ll see Mommy’s in the tree too. Give it a kiss for me. Know that the day you put an initial next to yours I’ll be watching down on you, smiling with all my heart.
Take regular trips to the library. Always engage your mind with stories. Aidan loves to read and I’m sure he has a collection of books that he can’t wait to share with you. I hope he’ll start with our favorite . . . Green Eggs and Ham. Make sure Aidan sings you Twinkle Twinkle as often as possible. You really do love it best when he sings it to you
A few last things: Wiggle your toes in the grass. Play in the mud. Please, don’t climb any trees. Tell Aidan I told him no trees—not even if a cat climbs up and you want to save it. Definitely play board games. There is nothing more enjoyable in life than the simple things. Always remember that, Jase.
It’s time and this is the part of the letter that hurts the most—saying goodbye. To say the time we’ve had together was short is an understatement. It breaks my heart to know that I’ve only been your mom for less than a year. I wanted to spend every day with you, loving and holding you. I’ll always be your mom though. If you remember anything, remember this . . . just because I’m not there doesn’t mean I’m not with you. I’ll be watching you from the clouds, Jase. Always. Whenever you want to see me, look up to the sky and know I’m smiling down on you.
Love,
Mommy
My jaw clenched tight. Tears that I fought back escaped anyway. That letter slaughtered me. It took me in its hands and executed me in a w
ay nothing else could. This was her goodbye to her own son.
My heart crippled and then exploded. She wanted to marry me too. Words I only dreamed of hearing weren’t even from her own lips. They were in the form of a letter—a letter holding her last wishes. Our future together would never be the way either of us had hoped. I was to take care of the most important thing Cassie left behind, and I was to do it without her. The walls slowly caved in, turning the waiting room into a two-by-two cubicle.
I folded the letter up, tucked it in my back pocket, and reached out for Jase.
“I’ll never let you go, Jase,” I whispered against his small ear.
“She’ll be okay, D.” Moose’s voice was laced with panic. I don’t think even he believed what he said.
I did the only thing I knew how. With Jase in my arms, I paced the floor and waited.
***
Hour six
My ears grew tired of the sound of empty footsteps as I waited. Each time I’d hear their echo they were never a nurse or surgeon like I hoped. My heart couldn’t take the anxiety as it beat against my ribcage.
We all sat back in the waiting room, Jase asleep in my arms as the sound of heavy steps radiated from the walls and finally came toward us. Every pair of eyes fixated on the hallway and the surgeon who made his way down it. The hair on the back of my neck prickled as he grew closer. My mom’s hand covered my knee tighter with each step he made our way. Now I knew he was here for us. He was here to deliver my fate and the fate of this beautiful baby boy in my arms. Every breath I took proved harder than the last. The surgeon stood tall before us in his scrubs. Mel, Moose, my mom, and I all sat forward, leaning toward him as if he contained a magnetic force.
He pulled a chair from behind him and with a slowness I could barely handle, lowered onto it. His hand rubbed along his clean jawline. He was prolonging having to talk to us, wasn’t he? Don’t do this to me. After what felt like an eternity, he spoke. “What Cassandra did today was a very selfless thing. She gifted a loved one an organ, to give him a life he wouldn’t otherwise have. We’re very grateful for her noble act today, as I’m sure you are.”
My mom’s hand left my knee and she wiped the tears from her eyes. A soft sob came from Mel and I knew I’d be next, but I held Jase tighter and blinked the tears back. The surgeon would never know how proud of Cassandra I was today and every goddamn day of her life. I just needed to know if her heart was still beating. My sanity couldn’t take this hellish waiting game any longer.
His eyes met mine as he continued. “As you know, we ran into extreme complications. Cassandra lost a lot of blood. We did everything we could . . .” The surgeon paused. The floor was about to crack and open up like a sinkhole. It was going to swallow me whole. Please, don’t let her be gone.
He wiped a hand over his lined face as he shook his head. Everything inside of me knotted, coiling as I watched the doctor avoid our eyes. He used his hand to cover his mouth for a second, and then his gaze lifted, locking with mine. His hand lowered to reveal a mouth set in a grim line. I held my breath . . .
“We were finally able to stop the excessive bleeding and give her a transfusion.” The knife began to slip from my chest, but he still wasn’t saying whether or not she was all right. I needed to know that she had air in her lungs and blood pumping through her heart. Because if there wasn’t, my world was about to crash in a way I never thought possible.
“Is-Is she okay?” I asked. My voice was shaky, barely audible.
He exhaled with a deep sigh. His eyes dropped to the floor and my stomach fell. I clenched my jaw as I waited for him to look back up, to tell me she was okay and alive. But he wasn’t.
After what felt like hours but was probably only seconds, his tired, gloomy eyes peered up, once again meeting my own. A black cloud loomed overhead. It was as if I could sense the doom that was about to slip off his tongue. I didn’t think I could bear to hear it.
The surgeon cleared his raspy throat. My lungs halted as I waited . . .
“She’s okay for now. She’s in the ICU and we’re waiting for her to completely wake up from the anesthesia.”
She’s alive.
The pressure that had felt like weighted chains lifted from my shoulders, my chest, and the stress released its intense hold on my body as the breath I’d been holding left my body in a relieved whoosh. I wrapped my free arm around my mom, holding her against my shoulder, her tears soaking through my shirt. In a pair of matching seats, Moose had Mel in his embrace as she silently wept.
Grateful warmth washed over me as I cradled my mother and Cassie’s son against me, but until I saw her with my own eyes I wouldn’t let go of the ache that still tugged on my heart. I needed her hand in mine, our skin touching.
The surgeon rose from his chair. “I’ll be back as soon as she’s awake.”
I asked Mom to hold Jase. “I’m coming with you.”
“I’m sorry, you can’t. As soon as Cassandra’s fully awake we’ll notify you and you can see her.”
Fuck that. I stepped forward, my body about three inches taller than his as I stood a foot away from him. “I’ve waited out here for six damn hours wondering whether or not the woman I love was alive or dead. Do you know what that’s like?” Harsh anger laced my words. The surgeon stood in silence.
“I already lost my damn brother. I don’t think you’ve ever been through the hell I was in. No one—no one—should have to go through what I’ve been through. What my whole damn family has been through. Do you hear me? So whether you fucking like it or not, I’m going back with you and holding Cassie’s hand until she wakes up.”
I didn’t care what the rules were. I didn’t care if they called security. Nothing was stopping me from seeing her.
His eyes blinked a few times. “Okay. But only you.”
“Thank you.” I looked behind me. Moose wore a proud grin on his face. My mom stood and handed Jase to Mel. I only assumed she was off to tell my dad that Cassie was okay.
My nervous system had been put through the wringer today and it only got worse. I followed the surgeon down the corridor and to a broad set of windowed metal doors. The sign above read ICU. He held it open for me and with an anxious feeling I crossed the threshold.
We made our way through the somber hallway, passing room after room. He stopped after several feet, in front of a closed door. My palms grew sweaty and my stomach uneasy.
“The anesthesia’s begun to wear off. She’s very groggy. The nurses will be in and out to check on her. Stay out of their way when they do. Her body’s been through a lot today,” he reminded me, as if I didn’t know.
With those final words, he stepped aside and allowed me to move past him.
***
Cassandra
“I know, sweetheart, and I’ll always love you. But right now someone else needs you more.”
I cried onto his shoulder because I knew it was true.
“Promise me something.”
“Anything, Jase.”
“Tell everyone that I love them and that I’m not far away. It may seem like it, but I’m always with you guys.”
He released my sobbing body from his hold. “Green light, Jase.”
“Green light. Now it’s time for you to go back. Oh, and sweetheart?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for taking care of my family.”
I smiled.
“Close your eyes.”
Darkness enveloped me. There were no voices, no light. Absolutely nothing. Complete solitude.
Where did Jase send me? What happened? What in the hell just happened? Wait . . . Was that a dream? Was I really dead? Did I imagine all of that? Jase wasn’t really there. No! God, no! Don’t let me be gone. I need to go back. I’m not ready to be gone.
I felt nothing. My body was light as a feather as I drifted to an unknown place in my mind. A feeling of no control took over as I tried to move, blink, wake up, anything. But there was nothing. Finally, my eyelids responded to my despe
rate pleas and flickered open. My surroundings were bright. Stark white. Heaven? Was this heaven? No! Jase didn’t send me back. I was gone . . .
Aidan . . . Help me . . .
My hand seemed weighted as I tried to lift it. My body felt leaden; nothing wanted to cooperate as I willed each muscle to move. “No . . . Aidan . . .” I needed him. I needed him to save me, to protect me from wherever I was. He wasn’t here. He wasn’t by my side like he promised.
Something warm blanketed my hand. My eyelids blinked, startled by the sudden heat. A dark shadow approached me. My mind swirled.
“Do you remember what I told you? You have a long life ahead of you. You have people who need you.”
The warmness squeezed my hand. The hand I could almost move as I tried to grip whatever was in it.
“Cassie . . .” I blinked, trying to get a better view. “I’m here, baby. I’m here.” It was him. It was his voice. I’d never forget it.
My eyes fluttered open at his voice. “A-aid-an?”
“It’s me. I’m here.”
Here? Where was here? His hand was in mine. I fought with all I had and held on tight. “Wh-wh-where am . . . I?”
“You’re out of surgery and you’re in your hospital room, beautiful,” he murmured.
My room? Tears . . . stinging tears poured from my eyes as his face came into full view. “I’m-I’m . . . alive?” I asked, not believing him. I gazed around, soaking in everything from the blanket that lay across me to the window covered with darkened blinds.
“Yes, you’re alive. Alive and doing great.” His hand reached toward my head and pulled the cap from it.
“I’m not in . . . heaven?” My cries became harder as I thought about why I asked this.
Aidan’s eyes grew wide with terror. “You’re in your room. You’re not in heaven, baby.” His voice shook as he spoke.
“I’m sending you back.”
I closed my eyes and let my heartache pour out of them.
Aidan’s fingers gently brushed the tears away. “Don’t cry. Please don’t cry. Why would you think you’re in heaven?” His voice was as frantic as I felt.
