The Title of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 8)

by Ichabod Temperance

“How’s business, Saul?”

  “Ach, I can’t give a slave away today! These people don’t know good slaves when they see them! How are you making out, Boris?”

  “It is the same with me. It is a slave buyer’s market, I tell you.”

  “The two that came in today are nothing but trouble! Bah, better to go ahead and put them in the dungeon to await execution rather than waste another breath trying to sell them.”

  “Keep thy chin up, Saul, thy art a good slaver.”

  “Thanks, Boris, you too, pal.” ~sigh~ “I’m going to give it one more try.”

  “That’s the spirit! Good luck!”

  “Hear ye, hear ye, step this way! Fresh meat on the block folks. You sir, you look like a prosperous merchant, wouldn’t your wife there want a new slave?”

  “No! She has enough slaves!”

  “Oh, honey, please! Just one more!”

  “No! Don’t you remember what happened the last time?”

  “Unh! That wasn’t my fault! How was I supposed to know? Nobody told me that slaves had to be fed. I’ll be good this time, I promise.”

  “Oh very well, what do you have, Insane?”

  “You’re in luck! Today I have an exceptional specimen for your perusal. This slim slave is the bargain of the day, methinks. I thinketh of this one as an aeconomy model, as it should naughtte take very much fuel to make it run.”

  “Ee-ew, I don’t like it. It’s too skinny. Make him show me another, honey.”

  “What else do you have?”

  “A tremendous beast! Look at those shoulders! Look at those muscles! I invite you to inspect his teeth.”

  “Naughtte if thy wouldst keep thy fingers.”

  “Oh, honey, it spoke!”

  “Blast it, Saul, this slave is uppity!”

  “Put it in the fields, friend! Look at it! This creature could pull a plow for years before succumbing to inevitable failure.”

  “No, I don’t think so.”

  “Buy one, I’ll throw in the second slave for free!”

  “Let’s naughtte, honey. The little one seems docile enough, baughtte the big one has crazy eyes.”

  “Prithee, wait, folks, I’ll even throw in the manacles, no extra charge!”

  “Merry, I maketh my apologies, Insane Saul, baughtte we shall taketh a pass. Maybe next week.”

  “Baughtte, baughtte, oh, fiddlestix! You stupid slaves! You cost me a sale! Where is my whip? Aw, here it is. I’ll teach you some manners!”

  “No! Please do not whip this man! Hit me, not him...Hey, sir, what are you doing? Lemmy, no! Don’t protect me from that awful whip, I should shield you! Quit holding me back Lemmy!”

  “You big ox! You stupid, worthless slave, you see this whip? I know how to use it! Bow your head!”

  “Lemmy, please, lower your eyes! Bow your head! Please, Lemmy, please!”

  “Blink, blast you! No slave dares to look his master in the eye! I shall teach thee to respect thy master with this strike!”

  ~wuh-pow!~

  “Aii-ee! No! No! No! Please stop!”

  “Tee, hee! Look honey, when Saul strikes that big, uppity slave, the little one whelps in pain! Tee, hee!”

  “Still won’t blink, eh? Burning with more defiance than ever, eh? Well how do you like this!”

  ~wuh-pow!~

  “No, stop! You don’t know what you are doing! Please stop whipping this man!”

  “Shut thy mouth, runt! So, you big ox, still won’t blink, eh? How about now?”

  ~wuh-pow!~

  “Oh, you stupid slave. I tire of striking you. What do I care if thou art so stupid and can stare unblinking into my eyes, even while I strike thy face? That’s it, I’ve had it! Throw these vermin in the dungeon, that they may be executed in the morning.”

  - - -

  “Oh, Goodness, I feel just terrible sir. This is all my fault. I shouldn’t never of said nothing about that ol’ incogniter nonsense, Mr. Lemmy.”

  “Chin up, lad. As we are quite alone and cut off from the rest of humanity, I feel safe in dropping our aliases.”

  “Yessir, your Highness.”

  “And do not presume to assume any responsibilities as to our present predicament. All responsibility is mine. You were following your heart and the wishes of your King.”

  “I didn’t even know they had slavery in England.”

  “Oh, everybody does it, Ichabod. Show me a single people or race on Earth that has never had the stain of this distasteful institution. It was never intended, mind you, it just sort of happened. The perils of Empire, don’t you know. Sort of an occupy-tional hazard.”

  “You’re right there, sir.”

  “Still, this experience brings the matter to the fore in royal attention. Criminals are often enslaved, and who’s to object? To live on a noble’s land, a man must pay tribute. Once he is ensnarled within the grasping tentacles of legalalities, these are easily turned against the illiterate peasant trying to scrape a living out of an unyielding Earth. When tribute is naughtte met, debt piles up. Debt is passed onto other generations. Parents bequeath slavery to their children. Before you know it, iron collars and steel wristlets gain an unpopular popularity.”

  “It’s a constant struggle the world over and that’s a fact. My country fought a bloody war in which emancipation of nearly an entire race of people was at stake. We had to stand up and in a loud clear voice state that the institution of slavery be abolished. My country is going through a tough time now and will likely continue to have growing pains for many years to come. That’s the way it is all over the world. Society everywhere is always changing. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. I reckon that’s why we all hope for good leaders to make sure our countries are steered in an honourable direction.”

  “Do you have any insight you would share with me, my friend from the future?”

  “Europe is almost lost to the hordes from the Asian steppes. Our manner of civilization is hanging by a thread at this period in time. It is so bad, that for a thousand years, this is known as a ‘Dark Age’. England can be the bastion of freedom that re-ignites a thirst for individual liberty. I don’t mean to pick on France, but I can make a clear example here. France has over a thousand year history of a few nobility enjoying immense riches while their peasant subjects are held down and treated as worthless cattle. Eventually, the downtrodden French peasants rise up in a terrible, bloody revolution. The atrocities are terrible, but what is a moment of the guillotine’s blade compared to countless generations of degrading subjugation? To crush the spirit of man is a crime that you can help alleviate. England does not have to be that way! You can put England hundreds of years ahead in the development of individual citizen rights!”

  “Ha! The Church would never go for it! Individuality, indeed!”

  “Well, instead of one big church, why don’t you let there be lots of little churches. That way, the church does not get too powerful.”

  “T’is good we are in this dungeon so that the ears of the Church do naughtte hear thee speak these blasphemies, Ichabod. Still, there may be something to consider in your words, boy. Were we naughtte awaiting certain death at any moment, I might have enacted some changes.”

  “Gosh, I wish I hadn’t gotten mixed up in all this business, because now I am afraid that I have messed everything up! I’m scared the future is already altered by my having been here. This place ain’t like I’d of thought it’d be at all! There is real magic in this time, Sire! Other than a rekindling by a recent comet pass, the world has not seen any real magic in over a thousand years!”

  “Ha! A world without magic!? No thank you!”

  “My theory is that magic is like an Earthly natural resource. What was once abundant is growing scarce. The Earth is going through a change. Perhaps you are a central figure in this evolution of the old world to the new.”

  “I may have been, had I naughtte allowed myself to fall into this wretched state.”

  “I’m sorry, sir.”


  “Ichabod, may I confide in you?”

  “Of course sire. I reckon the pickin’s are pretty slim right now as to confidantes.”

  “You must swear not to tell another living soul, on your word as a Knight of the Round Table!”

  “Yes, Sire! Of course, that ain’t gonna be a tough promise to keep as we are both scheduled for immediate execution, nevertheless, a promise is a promise, I will not tell another living soul any confidence you share.”

  “Thank you Ichabod. Actually, this is a concern of a personal nature. You know, I love my wife and Queen, Guenevere.”

  ~gulp!~ “Yessir.”

  “And I cherish the friendship of my closest ally, Sir Launcelot.”

  ~gulp!~ “Yessir.”

  “Actually, he is more than a friend, I consider him a brother.”

  ~gulp!~ “Yessir.”

  “But I have the most peculiar feeling that there is something afoot between those two! I don’t understand! I am their beloved King, and...”

  “Shutup in there! Stand up! Come with us! Your execution is prepared!”

  - - -

  “What does everybody want?”

  “A hanging!”

  “When do you want it?”

  “Now!”

  “What do you say?”

  “Please.”

  “Right! Then with no further ado, let us enjoy this morning’s merriment and then trudge back to our daily drudgery. Folks, you are in for a treat today. Londonderry is proud to unveil its brand new gallows!”

  “Oooooo.”

  “Look at the scaffolding under that wooden platform. T’is a fine construction, built plenty high so that the wee ones in back can see the proceedings. Built to state of the craft specifications, this people killing stage is equipped with the most modern of conveniences! Behold!

  ~snick. bloonck.~

  “A trapdoor! Merry, the floor literally drops out from beneath our principles! No mess! No fuss! Just Johnny Criminal doing the stationary, mid-air sprint. Soon, no town shall be without one of these darling little babies!”

  “Yay!”

  “Wait! Hold your applause! That’s naughtte all! Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time outside of a major castle, I am very proud to display an unexpected yet delightful feature of this wondrous device! It doth sport two nooses! We can now execute by way of hanging, two criminals at a time! Double the death! Double the fun! What do you say to that?”

  “Hooray!”

  “We are all anxious to see this number in action so let’s naughtte dally in getting our first contestants on stage. Here we have our first two participants. I admit, I am a little disappointed at this offering, eh?”

  “Boooo.”

  “Now, now, let’s naughtte be mean to the little fellow.”

  “Ha, ha, ha!”

  “What’s your name, my condemned friend?”

  “My name is Ichabod...”

  “Ha, ha, ha!”

  “No, really.”

  “Ha, ha, ha!”

  “Really, it is! Y’all are making a terrible mistake!”

  “Ha, ha, ha!”

  “We were on our way to turn that dagger in!”

  “Ha, ha, ha!”

  “We are innocent!”

  “Ha, ha, ha!”

  “Ho, ho, well, the runt turned out to be entertaining after all! Now then, this ladies and gentlemen, shall be something to see. What a mighty beast this next criminal is. Pardon me, big fellow, baughtte your adoring fans would like to hear your name.”

  “This farce has gone on long enough! Remove these chains! Kneel, one and all! Before you is the personification of sovereign royalty! I am your crowned Liege. I am, King Arthur!”

  “Ha, ha, ha!”

  “Oh, sorry Artie!” Ha, ha!” “Let us bow, ho, ho!”

  “Stop laughing, confound it! I tell you I am King Arthur!”

  “Ha, ha, ha!”

  “Do naughtte hang me! You know naughtte what you do! You are committing a catastrophic crime against England herself!”

  “Ha, ha, ha!”

  “Y’all stop laughing! It’s true! This is your King! This is King Arthur!”

  “Yeah, and I’m Guenevere!”

  “Ha, ha, ha!”

  “I’m the Pope!” “I’m Saint Nick!”

  “I’m the Easter Bunny!”

  “Y’all are making a tragic mistake!”

  “Ha, ha, ha!”

  “Your gonna regret this!”

  “Ha, ha, ha!”

  “Stop laughing! You are hurting his noble feelings!”

  “Ha, ha, ha!”

  “Sorry folks, we can’t stand around and taunt these vermin all day. I shall now go ahead and have them both gagged so that we are no longer subject to the foolish wagging of their dead man tongues. No, just gag the big one, we’ll stick a big apple in the mouth of the little one. Ha, yes, that’s fine. Look at the awful little fellow! His eyes are swollen with the effort at continued communication. What’s that? You still maintain your innocence and this man’s royal station, eh? Well that’s just fine, boy. Is it just me, or does this lad with the apple in his gormhole dangling by this rope about his neck naughtte convey the impression of a carp on a line?”

  “Ha, ha, ha!”

  “Enough playing around, let us get down to business. All I have to do now is pull this lever and the trapdoor will fall out from beneath these two noosed criminals and then we can go.”

  “Is everyone ready?”

  “Yes!”

  “Does anybody have any second thoughts or misgivings?”

  “Ha, ha, ha!”

  “No!”

  “Ha, ha, ha!”

  “Bon voyage, boys, I’m pulling the lever, now!”

  ~snick~

  “What happened? Nothing is happening? Why is nothing happening? Blast it, the trapdoor is malfunctioning. Somebody get under there and give it a whack. Don’t go away, folks, we’ll have this trouble sorted out in no time... Hello, what’s this? Everybody doff your hats! A contingent of Knights from Camelot are headed this way!”

  “Hold this proceeding. I am Sir Launcelot, of King Arthur’s Round Table. We are searching for someone. You may remain kneeling, but I command that you all raise your faces to me. I wouldst look into thy eyes and thus see into thy souls. If anyone of you are capable of the crime I fear, I shall surely see it written there. Guenevere and Stephanie, I invite you to assist me in weighing the virtue of this murderous lot.”

  “Lo, I cannot fathom any in this assembly to have the wherewithal to commit such a heinous act, Sir Launcelot.”

  “Thank you, my Queen. What say you, Stephanie?”

  “I sayeth, no, it is difficult to imagine this gathering of peasants committing the crime we fear. Oh, speaking of criminals, be sure to look into the faces of the two condemned men in the gallows. They may be the very culprits we seek. Verily there is something familiar about those knaves... Great Goose Pudding! It’s them!”

  Chapter 16

  An Axis of Power

  “My senses tell me the first of my visitors has entered the keep. Escort him into my presence immediately!”

  “Yes, Mistress!”

  “Ah, Mistress Morgana Le Meerrin, what an exquisite honour it is to be invited into your dreadful castle, my blonde, black clad, black artist. Your mortuarian manour is a monument to morbidity, my dear.”

  “Thank you, Mischa. Please let me say what an honour it is to be hostess to the Great Mischa Mauer. I hope your acceptance of my invitation proves profitable to us all.”

  “‘All’ of us’? There are but the two of us, my ravishing beauty. I have traveled the world over, and never have I beheld such a woman as you! Your magnificent body strains at your close fitting black gown in an attempt to escape its clutches. I approve of the image I fix in my mind, that is, of the two of us. You are a good complement to my own, tall, svelte form.”

  “You flatter yourself, Mischa. I did naughtte call you here to answer pa
ssion’s call of the flesh.”

  ~whih-keeesh!~

  “That fortuitously timed strike of lightning must be to signify the arrival of the next member of this meeting! Yes, there he is!”

  “Good evening, Morgana!”

  “Welcome to Castle HamSpanx, oh, Great Merlin!”

  “I have long awaited the time you and I would be together, Morgana.”

  “Art I a pleasing figure to fill thy dreams, oh great wizard?”

  “A dream to some, a nightmare to others!”

  “What is he doing here, Morgana?”

  “No, what art thou doing here, Mischa?”

  “I was invited!”

  “No you weren’t, I was invited!”

  “Gentlemen, you are both here at my behest, and further, I have no romantic intentions for either of you. That’s what slaves are for.”

  “Then why bring us? We are all competitors.”

  “Do you naughtte see that our positions are in danger? That miserable little ‘Ichabod’ creature is ruining our place in this kingdom! We must annihilate him!”

  “Agreed, but how? He has bested us all.”

  “You are both my enemies, baughtte as we now fight a common foe, I say we form a temporary truce. My enemy’s enemy is my friend, so to speak. For the nonce, in any case.”

  “I, the Great Mischa, hate you both, baughtte I also respect you. The Ichabod creature I despise! I will work with you as brother and sister to defeat this miscreant!”

  “That little worm has defied me at every turn! He destroyed my castle! He usurped my position! He made me look a fool! I, the Great Merlin of Camelot, will join with you two in order to destroy the insipid interloper.”

  “Good! Then I, Mistress Morgana Le Meerrin, do also pledge my self to the defilement, destruction and discretization of that lowly leech. I propose that we form our pledge into a bond; this shall be the modified coven of ‘Morgana, Mischa and Merlin’.”

  “Naughtte quite. I prefer the cabal of ‘Merlin, Morgana, and Mischa’.”

  “No, this shall be the conclave of ‘Mischa, Merlin, and Morgana’.”

  ~sigh~ “Let us settle for addressing ourselves as the ‘Three M’ Corpouration.”

  “Settled! We three black magic magicians do hereby pledge to do all in our power to slay the Great Ichabod!”