by Lisa Edward
The cold air hit us like a brick wall as soon as we stepped outside. January in Kabul was icy, and we quickly scurried to the waiting government car that Victor had arranged. We checked into our hotel suites and then met back in my room to work out what to do next.
Victor had been trying to get a cell phone signal the entire drive to the hotel and was still trying now as he walked through my door, cursing the dead phone in his hand.
“I can’t get a signal,” he said, tossing the phone on the coffee table. “I told Cole we’d call him as soon as we landed. He’ll be waiting to hear from me.” He looked up at me, his expression softening. “He’ll be waiting to hear from us.”
Checking my phone, I held it up to Victor and Dad to show them there was no reception.
“There was a bombing a few blocks away the other day,” Dad said, resting his hand on my shoulder. “Must have knocked out the towers.”
So that was it. We couldn’t phone home, which meant I‘d lost my lifeline to Cole. It was the last straw. My eyes welled with tears and they brimmed over. Sinking down onto the couch, I hung my head in my hands. I was tired, stressed, and I needed to talk to Cole. He was the only one who always knew what to say to make everything better.
The couch cushion compressed beside me and I looked out the corner of my eye to see who had sat down. It was Victor.
“I guess now is as good a time as any to give you this.” He was holding out an envelope with Cole’s unmistakable scrawl that read Babe on the front.
I looked at his grinning face before eagerly taking it from his hand. “Thank you.”
The envelope smelt like Cole. Closing my eyes, I held it to my face and inhaled deeply before remembering I wasn’t alone and probably looked like a crazy woman.
My cheeks felt hot as I sheepishly looked from Victor to my dad. “It smells like Cole,” I muttered under my breath as I ripped it open.
The paper felt thick, and as I unfolded it I noticed VM subtly embossed on the top. It was a little extravagance that Cole indulged in. He didn’t like using simple ruled notepads that you bought from the newsagents, whether he was writing lyrics to a song or jotting down a shopping list, he always used top-quality paper.
Smiling, I ran my fingers over the writing as I sat back into the couch to read the letter.
Hey beautiful girl,
I asked Dad to give you this when he thought you looked like you were sinking into despair, and needed to be reminded that I was right there with you.
You’re not alone, Tara.
So, on the one hand I hope you never need this letter, but on the other hand, I want you to know that I’m thinking of you and missing you so much.
I know you are doing the right thing, I would expect nothing less from you. You are the most caring, giving person I know, which is just one of the reasons why I love you with all my heart. You have taught me so much, but most of all what it means to love someone completely, and with that has to come trust.
Do what you need to do to help Riley. He will need to lean on you a lot, I would imagine. Don’t question yourself or second-guess your actions. I trust that you will do the right thing, so I want you to help him get better—then come home to me.
Don’t worry about anything that’s going on here. We all know what needs to be done and hopefully by the time you get back, Reds will be ready to open and Nicole will have auditioned and short-listed the dancers for you. I will even keep an eye on Kelli, because I know you are worried about her being alone when she’s so close to having the baby.
Don’t worry about me either. I’ll be here, patiently waiting for you, just trying to breathe and survive every day until you return. It’s all I can do.
I love you, babe, more than I ever thought was humanly possible. You’re a strong, intelligent, determined woman, and you can and will get through this, just as you have everything else that life has thrown at you. But if you are feeling down, just read this letter and know that at any given moment, day or night, you are on my mind, and I am sending you all the support and love I have in my heart for you.
I will see you soon,
All my love
C xx
I wiped my eyes quickly, took a deep calming breath, then raised the letter to my lips and kissed it gently. Yes, I would get through this. I would support Riley as much and for as long as he needed me, and then I would go home to Cole.
THE PAYMENT and subsequent hostage exchange went without a hitch. We spent four days cutting through protocol and red tape before, in the end, the only thing we civilians needed to do was transfer the money, and then Riley would be handed over to the hostage negotiators.
However, after four days of sitting in the hotel room in Kabul waiting to receive word of when I could see Riley, all our emotions were running high. They had run the full gambit, from twiddling our thumbs in boredom, to biting our nails anxiously, and Victor had had enough. He spoke to his contacts, only to be told that Riley had been sent straight to Tarin Kot to a military hospital there.
After cursing the lack of communication, we packed up our things and moved to Tarin Kot and closer to Riley. Having Victor there had proven to be a wise move, and I was so glad Cole had suggested it. He arranged everything from transfers to accommodation, while my dad provided the emotional support I needed.
We checked into a new hotel and then under military supervision, we were transported to the hospital.
A uniformed guard filled the doorway of the small, bare room we had been waiting in for almost an hour. Anticipation had coursed through me when we were told Riley was in the hospital, just up the corridor. But as time slowly ticked over that anticipation had turned to panic, with the realisation that I was going to have to tell Riley about Cole as soon as I felt he was ready to hear it. I didn’t want to break his heart—that was the last thing I would ever want to do, but I didn’t want to string him along either. He deserved to know the truth, I owed him that much at least. But looking around at these depressing pale green walls, I knew telling him while he was in the hospital was not the right time or place.
Jay had warned me that Riley wouldn’t be the same man I had once known. He would be distant, probably suffer from mood swings, and maybe even be aggressive. Things happened to soldiers when they were in a war zone, and they were never quite the same when they returned. I knew it was probably true, but I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to think that the sweet, caring man I had been willing to marry would have become someone I could barely recognise. Not Riley. He would still have those gorgeous smiling sapphire eyes, the sparkle that used to light up my heart would still be there. It had to be.
A young, petite blonde nurse greeted us in the main waiting room and showed us to a waiting area right outside Riley’s ward, before asking us to take a seat for a moment. The privacy curtain along the window had been pulled back in the room she had just entered, and as I paced the floor, unable to sit still a moment longer, I could see a bearded, thin man, laying in the tiny hospital bed hooked up to an IV drip.
Frowning, I heard my dad approach me from behind and ask the question that was screaming in my brain. “Is that Riley?”
Raising my hand to my mouth to stifle a sob, I nodded my head in response, not even sure if Dad was looking at me. The man had raised his head to the window to look at me. His eyes were vacant and lost, but they were also unmistakably Riley’s.
While the nurse fussed with the IV and filled out the chart at the end of the bed, Riley’s eyes never left me—he just stared through the window. The nurse asked him to lift his T-shirt while she checked a dressing on his chest, and again my hand flew to my mouth. His body was thinner than I had realised, and battered and bruised. There were red welts on his chest and stomach and what I could only assume were burn marks. Through it all, I could still read the tattoo down his side and as if by some miracle, my name on his right forearm seemed to be untouched.
As if he could read my thoughts, his left hand went to his forearm and stro
ked the ink lovingly. His eyes flashed with recognition before his hands fell to his sides again, and the light in his eyes went out.
The nurse must have seen Riley touching his tattoo and asked, “Whose name is that on your arm, Corporal Hammond?”
“My fiancée’s,” Riley replied softly, his eyes welling as he looked at me through the window.
“She must be very special.”
Riley’s eyes softened, and his voice cracked. “She’s beautiful, the love of my life. She loves the piano and music. We were going to get married.”
“Were?” she asked, her eyebrows raised.
Riley nodded slowly and frowned. “We were, now … I don’t know. I don’t think I would be much use to anyone.”
Why would he say that? Had they harmed him so badly physically, or was it psychological, and he no longer thought he was worth being with?
The nurse took his hand as she finished checking his blood pressure. “I’m sure that’s not true, Corporal Hammond. You’re a hero.” She packed up her equipment and was just about to leave.
“Wait, I want to get up.” He indicated to the chair in the corner. “I want to at least be sitting down, not laying here.”
With surprising agility for someone who had obviously been mistreated for months, Riley stood and moved over to the chair while the nurse wheeled his IV beside him. He sat, taking a deep breath as he watched me, pacing outside the window, waiting to go in.
“Can I go in now?” I asked the nurse anxiously when she came out of his room. “He knows I’m here.”
She nodded. “Just … don’t expect too much.”
Standing in the doorway, my heart was racing. I didn’t know what was about to happen, how he would respond to me or feel about me after so long, but I knew he needed help and I was the only person here who really knew him. Not Corporal Hammond, the soldier, but Riley, the man that he used to be. The man who hopefully was still in there somewhere.
Taking a deep breath to calm my frazzled nerves, I entered the room and headed towards the corner where Riley was sitting, his sunken eyes glued to the doorway. My stomach was tied in a knot, my throat clogged with emotion as I dragged my heavy legs further across the linoleum floor. Riley was watching me. His only movement was the rapid rise and fall of his chest that I saw get faster the closer I approached. My hands were trembling and I wrung them together as my vision blurred over.
Unsure how Riley would feel about physical contact after everything he had been through, I stopped a few feet away. “Hi Riley,” I said, not really sure what else to say as my heart thumped so loudly in my chest I was sure he would hear it.
He raised his hand slowly in a deliberate wave, his chest heaving. Rising to his feet, he faced me, the confusion clear in his eyes.
Standing before me was the man I thought I would never see again. The man I had been told was dead. He looked different, his hair longer, his beard had grown, his frame was thinner, but behind all that when I looked into his eyes, I saw my Riley.
I took a step closer, his look of confusion turning to sheer pain as his bottom lip began to tremble, stopping me in my tracks. Wiping the tears that were spilling over my lashes, I tried to smile and inch closer. I wanted to rush to him, but at the same time I wasn’t sure if I needed to tread warily.
He grabbed the IV stand and in three strides he was in front of me, his arms still strong enough to pull me to his chest and hold me close as if I had never left. His body was shaking, and I realised he was crying. The floodgates had opened, and there was no holding them back.
His knees buckled, the weight of his body pulling me down to the floor with him. Cradling him in my arms, I stroked his hair while the pain and terror of the last five months poured out of him.
This was what he needed, so I held him tight, rocking him gently like a small child as we sobbed in unison.
Finally after there were no more tears—at least for now—he raised his head from my shoulder. His rough hands gently cupped my cheeks while he examined my face in detail. I smiled and he pressed his forehead to mine and sighed.
“Are you really here?” he croaked. “Some days I was so delirious I couldn’t tell the difference between my imagination and reality, but you were always there.” His hand ran through my hair, brushing it back from my face. “What are you doing here?” he asked, his voice thick with emotion.
“I came over to pay your ransom.”
With his head still resting against mine, he nodded. “I knew someone had, should’ve known it would be you. I always told you I didn’t want or need your money, I guess I was wrong.”
“And I also wanted to wish you a happy birthday,” I said, smiling through my tears. I wanted him to know that I hadn’t forgotten him, and that he had been on my mind. “It was your birthday a few days ago.”
Riley frowned. “Was it?” He looked as though he were about to laugh. “Yeah, happy birthday to me.” His face grew serious as his eyes clouded over. “For my birthday last year we were floating through the sky in a hot-air balloon. Nothing could touch us. Do you remember?”
Smiling at the memory, I replied, “Of course I do.”
“This year I was crouching in a hole in the ground—” He wiped his eyes quickly with the back of his hand. “—wondering if it was going to be my last day on earth.”
I exhaled the breath I didn’t realise I’d been holding and wiped my own eyes quickly.
“The doctor said I’m in good health, considering.”
“You look great,” I lied.
“Yeah,” he huffed, indicating to his emaciated frame. “Never better.”
“This is new.” I scratched his beard.
“Yeah, I didn’t have a razor in the hole, so …” His voice trailed off. “Maybe you’d like to shave it for me?”
Heat rose in my cheeks as I remembered shaving Riley after we’d returned from Fiji. So much had changed since then—we were different people—but the twinkle in his eye as he watched my blush told me that somewhere underneath, he was the same Riley.
Taking my hands in his, he kissed the back of each, before running his thumbs over my knuckles, caressing my smooth skin with his rough, calloused hands. He stopped and looked down at my left hand, noticing the absence of my engagement ring.
He pulled away from me slightly. “Where’s your ring? Don’t you wear it anymore?” he asked, the hostility evident in his voice. “You didn’t wait for me?”
He met my eyes, awaiting my response. For a moment I contemplated formulating a lie, but it was no use. He needed to know the truth. He deserved the truth.
“I did wait, Riley. When they told me you were missing, I waited. When they said your classification had changed and they thought you were dead, I waited.” Tears stung my eyes as I remembered sitting on the beach with our friends, saying goodbye. “I waited for six months, like I promised, and then—” I wiped my eyes to clear my vision. “—and then I had to let you go.” A sob hitched in my throat. “I had to say goodbye and let you go.”
Tears streamed down his cheeks. “But I’m back now,” he said hoarsely. “I’m not dead, Tara, I’m right here.”
I had to look away. The pain I was causing him on top of what he had already been through was too much. “I know, Riley, but …”
But what? What could I say to make this any easier? Nothing.
“Tara, look at me,” he snapped.
Raising my eyes, I saw confusion and anger radiating back at me.
“Do you remember the last letter you wrote me?” I asked.
He nodded, the look in his eyes wary. “I remember every word of every letter we wrote to each other.”
I smiled. Of course he would remember. “You said you wanted me to be happy. If anything was to happen to you while you were over here, you wanted me to move on and be happy, to have the life you wanted for me.” I rubbed my forehead with my palm. “I have moved on, Riley.”
His body convulsed as he physically withdrew from me. Reaching out, I tried to c
omfort him, but he pushed my hand away and jumped to his feet.
“Tell me you’re not fucking Cole, Tara.”
The hurt in his voice ripped at my heart. I stood, needing to be on equal footing for this discussion, and tried to compose myself.
“He makes me happy,” I said simply.
“He makes a lot of girls happy,” he scoffed spitefully. “I can’t believe you fell for his bullshit.” His voice was getting louder as he fidgeted. “So many times you swore to me there was nothing going on. How long did you really wait? A week? A few days?”
I knew he was hurt and lashing out, but he had to know that I hadn’t slept with Cole until I thought there was no hope left for Riley to ever come home.
“Riley.” I placed my hand tentatively on his arm to still his movements. He shrugged his arm out of my grasp, storming over to the other side of the room.
“I loved you with all my heart, Riley. I promised to wait until you came home, and even after I was told you were dead, I still waited.” I could hear the quivering in my voice and knew I was so close to losing the last strands of my composure and turning into a blubbering mess on the floor, but I had to make him understand.
He spun around to face me. “I made a promise to you too, and I fought every fucking day to keep that promise.” He ran his hand through his long hair. “Do you have any idea how many times I wanted to give up? But I didn’t, because I told you I would come home to you.” He was in a rage now, his face red, as he spat out the words. “And all this time you’ve been screwing the biggest asshole on the face of the planet.”
Tears flooded down my face. “I don’t want to hurt you, not after what you’ve already been through, but Cole has changed. He’s a good man and he loves me.”
“Do you love him?” He lunged towards me, grabbing hold of the tops of my arms, nearly shaking me off balance. “Are you in love with him?”
