by Lisa Edward
Nodding, I plucked up the words that were so hard to say to Riley. The words that would break his heart. “Yes. I love him.”
He looked away, took one step then swiped the water jug and glass off the bedside drawers, making them fly across the room before crashing to the floor.
Knowing Dad and Victor were just outside, I held up my trembling hand to them through the window, hoping they would stay where they were and let me deal with Riley.
How could I convince him that Cole was a changed man? Would he ever believe that the man-whore he knew Cole to be was a lifetime ago?
Through all this, I had the overwhelming need to defend Cole, just like I always had to our friends. “Riley, I know you believe that Cole is still the person you once knew, but he has changed. He was there for me when Patrick attacked me, calling the police every day and taking care of me. He was there when you went missing, he even let Kelli stay at his apartment with me after she found out Cooper was dead.”
“What?” His head snapped around.
“He let Kelli stay at his apartment so she wouldn’t be alone after she got the call about Coop.”
His bottom lip was trembling, his hands balled into fists, and I knew I’d made a grave mistake. My hand flew to my mouth. “You didn’t know? They didn’t tell you?”
Before I knew what was happening, Riley had turned and with all his might, punched the wall, putting his fist straight through the plaster. He pulled his arm back, but instead of punching the wall again, he crumbled, tucking his chin to his chest, his legs collapsing under him.
Riley was on his knees, his arms wrapped over his head. He was crying again, only this time uncontrollably. The rapid rise and fall of his back told me he was in serious danger of hyperventilating. After everything he’d been through, the tragic death of his best friend, his brother, had broken him.
Hesitating for a second, I did the only thing I could think of. I threw my arms around him and held him as tight as I could.
“I’m so sorry, Riley, I’m so sorry. I thought they would have told you.”
He shook his head before turning and burying his face in the crook of my neck and squeezing me tight. Stroking his back, I tried to calm him, gently telling him it was okay, over and over.
The door flew open and two military police came tearing in. One grabbed hold of my arm and tried to pull me away from Riley.
“You’re not authorised to speak to Corporal Hammond about the incident until after he has been fully debriefed,” he barked at me.
Riley, still with his arms around me, pulled me back towards him, a look of absolute fury in his eyes. “Take your fucking hands off her,” he screeched.
The second man stepped in, yanking Riley up off the floor and knocking the IV over in the process. This only made the situation worse as Riley struggled and tried to free himself from the MP’s grip.
The petite blonde nurse came bustling in. “Right, everyone OUT!” She stared each of the men down, then turned her attention to me. “He needs his rest now. You can come back later.”
The two MPs looked at her, mouths open, but she wasn’t backing down.
“This is, first and foremost, a hospital. If you rip that IV out of his arm, I’ll be jabbing you with a needle, and I won’t be gentle.”
She picked up the IV stand and ushered Riley back into bed, shooing the MPs out with a wave of her hand.
“It’s okay, Riley,” I told him, trying to sound as calm as possible as I backed out of the room. “I’ll come visit after you have a rest. I’m not going anywhere.”
His eyes found mine and I smiled reassuringly at him, but he didn’t smile back. “Just go home, Tara.”
DAD CAME straight over to make sure I was unharmed. He held me at arm’s length for a few moments before pulling me into him in a bear hug.
“You should have let us come in,” Victor said sternly. “I know you wanted to handle it, but you could have been hurt.”
Looking over Dad’s shoulder at Victor, I saw real concern in his eyes.
“Cole would never forgive me if anything was to happen to you.”
I smiled apologetically at Victor. “I know Riley was angry, but he would never do anything to harm me. Besides, you couldn’t come in. You look too much like Cole.”
We hadn’t been told how long Riley would need to rest before I could see him again, but I wanted to be there. I had promised I wasn’t going anywhere, so I sat in the little waiting area in a terribly uncomfortable plastic chair, biding my time and drinking copious amounts of vending machine coffee.
Finally, the duty nurse told me I could go in to see him, provided I didn’t upset him again. He looked totally beat, his three or four hours of sleep barely scratching the surface of his exhaustion. His face was drawn, his eyes red and swollen.
“What happened?” he asked as soon as he saw me. “I remember being shot down and coming to after being captured.”
I looked over my shoulder nervously. “I’m not allowed to talk to you about it.”
“You already have,” he reminded me.
Running my hand over my weary face, I weighed up my options. “You can’t freak out again,” I warned him. “And I don’t know much.”
“Tell me.”
Leaning in close, I whispered, “Coop, Jax and Ram were killed in the crash. You, Bear and Tech were missing, and until recently, assumed dead.”
His eyes squeezed tightly shut, the pain evident as he tried to keep calm. “Thanks for telling me,” he said hoarsely.
Squeezing his hand, I wished there was something I could do to ease his pain as he wiped away the tears. “Can I get you anything, Riley?”
He shook his head. “You don’t need to be here, Tara. In fact, it will be easier if you’re not.”
Looking down at my hands, I tried to keep my composure. The stress and lack of sleep were taking their toll, and I was close to tears most of the time, but I didn’t want to show that to Riley. He was hurting and trying to push me away, but I still felt that he needed me.
“Okay,” I said, raising my head. “I’ll let you get some more rest. We can talk tomorrow.”
“No, Tara, you’re not listening. For eight months I felt like I couldn’t breathe without you.” He looked away, pausing for a moment before setting his eyes on me. “Now … now I can’t breathe when you’re in the same room.”
Sitting in the rigid chair, gazing into the dimly lit room, I replayed in my mind what Riley had said to me. It was a hard truth to accept, that he didn’t want to see me anymore. I knew people broke up every day and went their separate ways, but the thought of never seeing or hearing from Riley again brought tears to my eyes. He was someone I cared about. Even if we were no longer together I still wanted to know that he was doing okay. I wanted to help him find his feet once we went back home and get his life back.
Victor and my dad entered the waiting area, breaking my train of thought. Dad took one look at my face and knew I was at the end of my tether.
“Do you have Cole’s letter, Jellybean?” Dad asked as he gave me a comforting hug.
Smiling, I pulled the letter out of my bag, sat back down and read it again. Closing my eyes, I thought of Cole saying the words to me, his eyes shining with pride as he told me that I could get through anything that life threw at me.
“You must be exhausted, Tara,” Victor said, placing his hand on my shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze. “Why don’t you get some sleep? We’ll let you know if anything happens.”
Heart-wrenching screams jolted me out of my doze. The waiting area was dark with only emergency exits illuminated and I panicked, not sure for a few moments where I was or what was making that awful sound.
A light was flicked on in Riley’s room as two nurses went rushing in. I recognised one as the young nurse I had seen earlier; the other was much older. They tried to restrain Riley’s flailing arms as he struggled and fought with the demons in his nightmare. Quickly checking his chart, the older nurse rushed out, retu
rning a minute later with medication for Riley.
“Stop!” I yelled as I raced through the door.
Riley’s eyes were open, but he looked totally terrified, as if he were still in his dream, even though he was now awake. His breathing was frantic and he was sweating profusely.
“Riley, it’s me, Tara. Can you hear me?” I said soothingly as I rushed over to the side of the bed. “It’s okay now, you’re safe. No one can hurt you here.”
His eyes finally focused as he tried to gulp for air. “Tara? Oh, God.” He ran his hand through his soaking wet hair before looking at his surroundings. “I’m okay, I’m fine, really,” he told the nurses. He looked at the vial and needle, poised ready to be injected into him. “You don’t need that, I’m awake now.”
We finally managed to reassure the nurses that everything was fine. The younger nurse smiled at Riley, her face so full of compassion. She turned on a dim lamp in the corner before turning off the main light and leaving the room. I sat perched up on the edge of the bed, and held Riley’s hand.
“I know you don’t want me here, but I’m staying anyway. You can go back to sleep. I’ll watch over you.”
He shook his head vigorously. “I can’t go back to sleep. The nightmares, they’re too vivid.” His breathing was finally slowing to a normal rate. “I can see everything so clearly when I close my eyes.”
The pain etched all over his face was almost too much to bear, but I couldn’t look away. This wasn’t about me, it was about Riley.
“Let me help you, Riley. You can lean on me. I’m here for you.” He nodded and lay back down on the bed. “When you come home I can help you find somewhere to live, or I can help you find a job.”
“I’m not coming home, Tara,” he said through half-closed eyes. “My job is here, my life … is here.”
“But they can’t make you stay after everything you’ve been through.”
A half-smile passed briefly over his lips. “They’re not making me stay. I want to stay. It’s my fault half my unit is dead, and the other half is missing. I was responsible for those men, and I let them all down. Now I’m the only one who can set things right.” His voice softened. “At least, as right as things can be.”
“But you deserve to have a life that doesn’t involve—” I raised my hand, indicating around the room. “—this place. Living in fear for your life every day. After everything you’ve been through, you deserve to be happy.”
He looked at me, his eyes so full of sadness. “I thought that was what I would be coming home to, but my happiness has moved on. There’s no place for me anymore. This is where I belong now, my brothers are my family—they’re the ones I care about. I need to find them so they can go home to the people who love them, who are waiting for them.”
My final threads of composure started to unfurl as I realised that this was goodbye. I was going back home and Riley would be staying here, a career soldier who would put his job and his brothers above his own needs and happiness.
Sniffling back a tear, I tried to take a calming breath. “Can we stay in touch? Can we write to each other, as friends?”
He shook his head. “We’re not friends, Tara, we never were. I don’t want to hear about what you’re doing with Cole. Besides, over time the letters will become further apart until eventually, they stop coming altogether.”
So this was really it. I choked back a sob. “Can you at least leave me as your next of kin?”
His face was puzzled. “Why?”
“Because if I don’t hear anything then I’ll know you’re okay. No news will be good news.” I shrugged. It was a little bit of something that I needed to hold onto. To know that he was still alive and safe, even if he didn’t want to tell me himself.
Taking my hand, he expelled a deep sigh. “I don’t have anyone else, so I guess I can leave your name with them.”
Wiping my eyes, I tried to smile. The thought of Riley not having anyone in his life broke my heart. The fact that he would leave me as his next of kin, a person that he practically hated now, because I was the only person who cared about him was unfathomable.
“Can I sit with you for a while?”
“Sure,” he said, eyes already closed. “But I don’t want you here in the morning.”
Stroking Riley’s hand, I watched his face relax and his breathing even out as sleep overtook him once more. It didn’t take long; he was so exhausted.
He was in so much pain, and my being here had only added to it. I had wanted to do the right thing, to support him and be a shoulder for him, but in the end all I had done was break his heart and shatter his dreams.
As quietly as possible, I lay down beside him on the tiny hospital bed, taking care not to touch his frail frame and disturb him. He moved his arm towards me as if he could sense I was there until his hand lightly touched mine. Even in his sleep he was attentive, the loving, caring Riley still there, masked by all the disillusionment and terror that he had witnessed firsthand. But just that simple sign that he still cared for me was all it took for the last threads of my resolve to unravel. I was so emotionally drained but with no one around, I didn’t need to be strong anymore. In the dimly lit room, with only my thoughts to haunt me, I allowed all my feelings from not only the past week with Riley, but the past month since discovering he was alive, to wash over me as tears flooded my cheeks and spilled onto Riley’s shoulder.
Crying for the pain that Riley had endured, I whispered into the darkness, “I’ll never abandon you, Riley.”
THE ELEVATOR dinged and I leapt through the opening door like a racehorse at the starting gate. Even though I was totally exhausted from the last two weeks with Riley, just the thought of seeing Cole and being engulfed in his arms had those butterflies circling in anticipation.
I was finally home.
Cole’s voice travelled down the hallway that led to the bedrooms and I could hear a girl giggling, immediately stopping me in my tracks. Primal possessive instinct kicked in as my ears pricked up a little more, trying to make out what they were saying.
Who the hell did Cole have in our bedroom with him?
We hadn’t told Cole we were on our way home. In the end we had decided to do as Riley had asked, and I had not seen or spoken to him again. I had visited the hospital each day, sometimes just to speak to the blonde nurse who always seemed to be caring for him, other times to sit in the waiting area outside his ward so I could be close by. But after a few days we discovered he was well enough to be moved to an undisclosed location for debriefing, so we decided it was time for us to pack our bags and head home.
Dropping our luggage in the entrance, I asked Dad and Victor to take a seat in the living room while I started making my way as quietly as possible to the hallway.
The giggles drew louder, before Cole and a woman of about thirty with pixie-cut blonde hair, came through the double-doors into the main living area of the apartment. Cole stopped mid-sentence as a myriad of expressions crossed over his unshaven face, from surprise to sheer delight, before he noticed my stance and his expression changed to one of uncertainty.
Arms crossed over my chest, I cocked an eyebrow at him.
“Hi, babe, I wasn’t expecting you home yet.” He was in front of me in an instant, sweeping me up in his arms. “This is the best surprise ever,” he said, his voice muffled in my hair, his arms squeezing me to him.
“Is it really?” I asked accusingly.
With my hands against his chiselled chest, I pushed away from him so I could see his face.
“You look tired,” I stated, noticing his red puffy eyes. “Rough night?” My eyes flicked in the direction of the woman who was busily fussing with her hair.
Cole’s smile dropped as confusion crossed over his face. “Yeah, every night’s been rough since you left.” His hands tangled in my hair. “I’ve missed you.” He went to lean in for a kiss, but I turned my head towards the woman as she fidgeted nervously. “Did you miss me?” he asked anxiously.
“Y
ou don’t look like you’ve been too lonely.”
Cole followed my gaze. “Sorry, ah, this is Joanna, she’s an interior designer.”
I pulled a face, unsure why I needed to know his new friend’s occupation.
“I asked her to come over to have a look through and suggest a few ways to ‘girlify’ the apartment a bit.”
Oh, crap!
The adrenalin was leaving my body and I felt myself slump a little. So did Cole. He leaned in closer. “Is that the only reason you’re not happy to see me, babe?”
Leaning my head against his chest for the briefest of moments, I mumbled a “yes” before remembering my manners and extending my hand to Joanna.
“I don’t know if I want to change the apartment. I like it the way it is,” I told her as I looked around at the very masculine furnishings.
“Well thank you,” she said, smiling. “I helped Cole decorate when he first moved in.” She beamed at him. “Not a lot has changed since.”
My stomach did a backflip. I was certain they must have slept together. Cole used to sleep with everyone.
Cole moved behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Strictly business,” he whispered in my ear, somehow knowing what I’d been thinking. “So,” he said a little louder, “I thought you and Joanna might like to work together, to add a few touches that make this place feel more like your home.”
My arms wrapped around his as my back melted into his chest. “It’s a very thoughtful gesture. I’ll think about it.”
I showed Joanna out, before sheepishly apologising to Cole for jumping to conclusions.
He dropped his eyes as he shoved his hands in his pockets. “Is there anything else wrong, Tara?” he asked, his brow furrowed.
I shook my head, his face instantly relaxing.
He smiled his heart-melting smile, holding his arms out to me. “Come here, you.”
I was in his arms and breathing him in within a second.
“I haven’t seen you act all possessive in a while.” He chuckled, “I guess that means you still care about me.”
It was the way he said it that made me raise my head to look into his gorgeous emerald eyes. “Of course I care about you. I love you.”
