Monsters, Magic, & Mayhem: Bubba the Monster Hunter Season 4

by John G. Hartness

  “What’s wrong, Robbie? Do you not like the food?”

  “The salad’s fine, Mama, but are they bringing out the main course anytime soon?”

  “Of course, it should be out shortly. I believe the servers are simply waiting for you to put down your fork to indicate that you are ready for the meat.”

  “There’s meat?”

  “Of course there’s meat. We’re faeries, not elves. We eat meat, and I believe Oberon had a pig slaughtered just for this occasion.”

  Hearing that we were at a Fairyland pig pickin’ sent my salad fork to the table with a clatter as I sat back, hoping for some serious barbecue. I wasn’t disappointed, because the second the skinny waiter behind me whisked my plate away, a pair of huge hairy bastards hauled a whole damn table out and set it down on the floor in front of our table. Titania stood up and didn’t even have to clink her fork on her glass to get the room to fall silent. I reckon that’s what real authority looks like.

  “Friends, family, and honored guests,” she said, looking around the room, but conveniently never letting her gaze fall on Mama or me. “We are pleased tonight to have with us Prince Consort Oberon’s daughter from a…previous alliance, Princess Ygraine. She has brought her…son and his boon companions with her into our lands on a great quest, and we wish them all the best in their endeavors. We understand that Ygraine’s daughter has vanished and that she has traveled far and wide to find her and bring her home safely.”

  I felt Mama stiffen beside me, and I put a hand on top of hers, trying to keep her from jumping up and doing something rash. Surprised the hell out of me since I’m usually the one doing the something rash, not counseling against it, but I reckon after all these years hanging around Skeeter, I must have picked up something. She glared at me, and I squeezed her hand a little.

  “This ain’t the time, Mama,” I said. “You know she’s just trying to bait you.”

  Titania turned to me. “Is there something you wish to add, Bubba? I seem to recall from your last trip into our lands that you are far from shy.” She smiled at me, and Summer Queen or not, her smile was downright arctic.

  I stood up. “I merely wanted to make sure my mother understood what a great boon you were doing for us by lending your resources to our trip through the Summerlands to search for my sister. We have both been very distressed since we learned that she was not, in fact, being held by the mad Queen Mab of the Winter Court. Our greatest hope in discovering her whereabouts are here in the realm of Summer, so we are grateful for the assistance that you are providing.”

  “It seems that someone has taught this monkey to dance since the last time he dared trespass in the realm of Summer,” Titania said with a grin.

  “I’ve always been an excellent dance partner. Your cousin Chauvin could certainly speak to that, were he able to speak at all,” I replied with a smile. I was doing so good, too. I kept Mama from putting her foot in her mouth, only to stick mine in all the way up to the kneecap.

  Titania’s grin froze on her face, and she turned to me with glittering eyes. “Yes, we recall how you handled the transgressions of our royal cousin. You shot him in cold blood.”

  “I believe I was forced to duel him to the death. I decided it wasn’t in my best interest to trade punches with the little shitball, so I shot him. My blood didn’t feel cold, it felt just fine. His was pretty much spilling all over the dirt, though. But hey, let’s not let this pig die for nothing. Not like your jackass cousin. At least we can eat the pig, so we’ll get some value out of him.”

  “Of course, Bubba,” Titania said, and the smile she gave me made my blood run cold. This woman had a plan, and I didn’t know what it was, but I could tell that it wasn’t going to end well for me. She clapped her hands, and serving faeries jumped on that pig like a dog on a bone. I sat down, and the waiter-faerie put a heaping plate of pig and potatoes and other things that I mostly recognized, or at least passed for stuff that I recognized, down in front of me. I shoved the cold feeling in my gut aside and ate while I tried to figure out Titania’s next move.

  I didn’t have to wait long. The other shoe dropped even before I got to the dessert course.

  I managed to down my last swallow of sweet white wine before Titania was back on her feet, but just barely. “Now that we all have dined, my dearest Prince Consort has a boon to bestow upon his living daughter and his most…undaunted grandson.” She gestured to Oberon, who looked an awful lot like a man walking to a firing squad when he stood up and walked around in front of the table.

  “As many of you know, my daughter has spent most of her life separated from me. Due to the vagaries of our life with the Winter Queen, we were separated many years ago, and I was unable to guide her in her life as a father should.”

  Nothing about this sounded like the way a good talk started. From the way Mama was white-knuckling her napkin, it all sounded pretty crappy to her, too.

  “Therefore, I was unaware of my relationship to…Bubba on his first trip through our lands. This ignorance on my part led to many misunderstandings in our earliest meetings, and for that, my grandson, I most humbly apologize.” He turned to me and bowed like he was on the damn Shakespearean stage or something. I swear to God his forehead almost bumped into the floor, he bowed so low. When he stood up, the look on his face was anything but contrite. Grandpa Oberon was pissed, and I couldn’t tell if it was at Titania for making him do whatever he was about to do, or at me for just being born. I figured it was a little bit of column A, a little bit of Column B.

  “Therefore, I would like to offer this boon to my grandson as an act of contrition. I will assist his band of…mortals in finding his missing sister and give him an opportunity to be heralded as a legend among Summer Court heroes, a truly epic adventurer, a hero whose name will never leave the lips of the citizens of Faerie from this day forth.”

  “Oh shit,” Mama muttered.

  “What?” I whispered.

  “That horrible bitch Titania is going to get us all killed.”

  5

  Oberon walked around the open area in front of the wreckage of the dinner pig like an actor playing Hamlet, chewing on every piece of scenery in the place. “Dear friends, you all are no doubt aware that the Western communities and farms have been ravaged by a great threat these past many years. This horrific beast has murdered villagers, burned crops to charcoal, demolished entire towns, all without recourse. We have been far too occupied with defending our lands from the omnipresent threat of an incursion from the Winter Court to reach out a hand to do more than succor the victims after the fact, doing nothing to prevent future attacks.”

  He turned and pointed to me like he was Matlock and I was the guilty dude sitting in the courtroom. “But now, my people, the Great Mother herself has seen fit to provide us with an answer to our prayers. We no longer have to make the impossible choice between leaving our Eastern border exposed to the raids and horrible depredations of the Winter Fae or ignoring the suffering of our Westernmost citizens. Now, with the arrival of my grandson, soon to be regarded as the greatest Monster Hunter in the history of Faerie, we have a solution to all our problems!”

  I leaned over to Mama. “Your pops kinda likes to lay it on thick, doesn’t he?”

  “He isn’t often allowed to speak in public, serving as Consort to both Mab and Titania. He makes the most of every opportunity he is granted. Unfortunately, this time we are the worse for his grandiose proclamation.”

  “What the hell is he talking about?” I asked.

  “I don’t know yet, but he looks like he’s building to a big finish. I’d say we’re about to find out how screwed we really are in a few seconds.”

  I turned my attention back to Oberon in time to hear him come to the punchline. “…swooping down from the sky, its fire blasting all in its path to cinders. But now, thanks to my grandson, we will be rid of the great dragon Xythigax once and for all!” Granddaddy Oberon waved to the crowd, who erupted in cheering and applause. They were o
n the verge of breaking out into a roaring chorus of “Bub-ba, Bub-ba,” when a shrill voice cut through the din.

  “Are y’all out of your goddamn mind?!?” Silence crashed down like throwing a switch, and every head in the room turned to stare at the speaker. For his part, Skeeter seemed not a bit concerned that he had the undivided attention of every faerie from the guards to the queen herself. He stood up, his chair screeching across the stone, and stomped up to Oberon.

  He came face to chest with the towering Prince Consort, who didn’t look any too happy at the interruption. Honestly, Granddaddy Oberon was looking at Skeeter the way Skeeter usually looks at me, kinda like he’d slap the taste out of his mouth if he thought it would do any good. “May I help you, human?”

  “Skeeter.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “My name is Skeeter, and I am your grandson’s technical assistant and best friend. And I am one of the people you just enlisted to kill a damn dragon, which we are not going to do. What we are going to do is find Bubba’s sister, make sure she’s safe, and then get the hell out of your kingdom and never come back. We’re not going to fight any tournaments, we’re not going back to any dungeons, we’re not fighting any dragons, and nobody is marrying anybody they don’t want to marry. Is that absolutely damn clear?”

  “What is clear, little human, is that my grandson has taste in friends that rivals his taste in clothing, which is to say deplorable. You overreach in spectacular fashion, little man, and—”

  “If you call me little anything one more time, I’m gonna slap the points off your damn ears. Now you might think you know something about humans, but let me explain to you the species known as Homo Bitchus, which is to say a gay man that has had enough of your shit. Now I am going to go sit down at my table, knock back the last of the wine, then I’m going to snap my fingers at one of your overdressed waiters until he brings me even more wine, and maybe some dessert. And you are going to figure out some better way to apologize to your grandson than sending him, and more importantly me, off to fight a damn dragon.”

  I managed to stop myself from standing up and cheering Skeeter on, and I didn’t even laugh at the look on Oberon’s face, which was somewhere between somebody who just saw his parents having sex and a guy who got hit in the nuts with a fastball. Skeeter turned and started to walk off, but Oberon reached out and clapped a hand on his shoulder, effectively stopping him in his tracks.

  “I don’t believe I gave you leave to sit,” Oberon said, and his voice was deadly calm. He turned Skeeter around, then shifted his grip to the front of his tunic and pulled him back until my buddy was only a few inches away from Oberon’s chest. The tall faerie then bent at the knees, placed his hand in the general vicinity of Skeeter’s belt buckle, and straightened up. Skeeter’s feet rose up off the floor a couple of inches, then more as Oberon lifted him until they were face to face.

  “Now, little human, let me be very clear in what I am saying to you. Though your friend is my grandson, I was completely unaware of his very existence until a very short time ago. I remained unaware of his relationship to me until I saw his mother in our Court several days ago. So if you think being my grandson’s friend gives you any hold on my goodwill, you should think again. I am the Prince Consort, not the king, so you need not refer to me as Majesty. But you will speak to me with a civil tongue in your head, or I will rip out your uncivil one and wear it around my neck on a golden chain.”

  He dropped Skeeter, then leaned down so they stayed face to face. “My grandson will face the dragon Xythigax, and if you choose to accompany him in that quest, you may. He may die, or he may vanquish the beast. Either outcome is equally palatable to me. Do we understand each other?”

  “I understand one damn thing, Grandpa,” I said, looking at him over the barrel of my Judge revolver. “I understand that a regular bullet won’t kill you, but if you don’t step the hell away from my best friend right now, we’re going to find out how cold iron shot feels sprayed all over your face.”

  “You dare bring a mortal weapon into my presence?” Titania asked from her dais.

  “I’m a daring sonofabitch, sweetheart. Now please shut the hell up. You make me nervous, and I don’t think this is a time anybody wants me getting twitchy.” I never took my eyes off Oberon. This was a gamble, but I knew he was a showman and liked the brazen shit I pulled last time I was in Fairyland. Maybe if I got a little lucky, I could get out of this without anybody I liked ending up dead.

  Oberon turned to glare at me, moving slowly and keeping both hands visible. He’d seen what my guns can do, and he knew I was a pretty good shot. I was counting on him not knowing that the accuracy on a .410 shotgun shell fired from a pistol at fifty feet left something to be desired. The Judge is a great little gun, but it’s a close quarters gun, to be damn sure. My fairy grandfather stood up and took one big step back from Skeeter, who moved around to stand beside Joe. All my people were on their feet now, with their hands on whatever weapons they had tucked away in their clothes or managed to scrounge from the dinner table.

  “What do you want, grandson?” Oberon asked.

  “I just wanted to convince you not to turn Skeeter into a toad, or his namesake, or something,” I said, lowering the weapon. “Y’all want a dragon killed, I’ll kill a dragon. Y’all want somebody to fight a monster? Hell, that’s my whole gig. All you gotta do is ask, Pops. But don’t threaten my friends. It makes me grumpy.”

  “Well, we certainly wouldn’t want that, would we?” Titania asked. “Or am I still not allowed to speak in my own hall?” The temperature in the room rose with her words, and I remembered that while Mab might control the Winter, Titania’s power over Summer and all its aspects would be at least as absolute. She could make things a little hot for me if she wanted to.

  “My sincerest apologies, Your Majesty,” Mama said from right beside me. “My son is not accustomed to court and its code of conduct.”

  “I would say that he is almost unaccustomed to the code of conduct of beasts, but I would fear I was insulting the beasts.” The Summer Queen glared at me.

  I just kept my mouth shut. I drew down on her man in the middle of her castle. I had no moral high ground.

  “While that is often true, he means well. Mostly.” Mama gave me a dirty look, and I tried my best to look ashamed of myself. I probably sucked at it, especially since I wasn’t the least bit ashamed of myself.

  “I have been insulted in my own home, Daughter of Mab. How will Winter make reparations for this affront?” Titania folded her slender arms across her not-so-slender chest and looked down her nose at Mama.

  Mama opened her mouth, but I decided to stick my foot in mine instead. “How about I kill your damn dragon, like I just said I would. For shit’s sake, y’all, can we just get to dessert already? If I’m going out tomorrow to hunt a dragon and probably get turned into barbecued Bubba bites, I’d at least like to finish up with a nice piece of cheesecake or something.”

  Mama whirled around, her eyes huge. Titania shot me a look that would have terrified a smarter man, and Amy slapped me on the arm in that way that women hit you when they can’t believe you did the same stupid thing you’ve done every single day since they met you. With every eye on me, I stood there, shrugged, and said, “What? I got a sweet tooth.”

  “Guards!” Titania had evidently reached the saturation point on my bullshit because with a wave of her hand, we were rounded up and led out of the ballroom without even getting a chance to look at the dessert. I had to look on the bright side, though. At least they weren’t taking us back to the dungeon.

  6

  The next morning, armed guards rousted me from my bed with the dawn. I kinda figured there would be something like that coming, so I slept in my travel clothes and managed to restrain myself from beating all their asses. Okay, I beat one of their asses, but I really just punched him a couple of times and maybe stepped on his nuts when I walked over him to get my shoulder holster with Bertha. Everybody was pret
ty much in the same state of readiness, so five minutes after they came beating on the door, we were standing in the courtyard surrounded by horses and faerie knights with swords, pikes, and crossbows.

  I think they decided they wanted me to leave.

  We got into the saddles, Mama having talked one of the guards into grabbing us a basket of bread and meats from the kitchen, and were just about to roll out when Oberon made his grand entrance. We were already starting to sweat a little in the warm morning sun, a helluva contrast from Mab’s Court, and Oberon came swooping down a grand staircase on the outside of the battlements like he’d been overseeing the keep’s defenses or something stupid like that. I was about ninety percent sure he’d just been waiting on us all to get on our horses so there was no way we could miss seeing him.

  “Ah, my dear grandson and soon to be national hero! I am so pleased that I was able to catch you before you embarked on your perilous journey.”

  “I’m pretty sure I liked you better when you were talking in a stupid accent and driving a cart,” I grumbled.

  “I have gifts that will aid you in your journey,” Oberon said, passing a medallion on a leather cord up to me. I took it, turning it over in my hands. “It is a magical compass that will lead you to the dragon’s lair.”

  “Just what I always wanted,” I said.

  “I thought you always wanted a beer fountain in your living room and a stripper pole in the bedroom,” Skeeter chimed in from behind me.

  “Well, yeah, I want that, too.”

  “You’ve got a lot better chance with the beer fountain,” Amy said, surprising no one.

  Oberon handed a shield to Amy. “This will protect you and any nearby from a dragon’s breath. It is resistant to fire, frost, lightning, acid, and noxious gases.”

  “You’re gonna want to keep that handy,” Skeeter said. “There’s sausage in the basket, and you know how it makes Bubba fart.”