by D T Dyllin
“Fuck you, David—or should I say Davy Jones? Fuck you!” I stood and my foot caught on the edge of the chair, causing me to tumble forward onto the plush carpet. “Fuck you, David,” I sobbed as I pulled myself to my feet and ran head first into Josh entering the room. I couldn’t really see his face through the onslaught of tears dripping down my face.
Confusion was interlaced into every word as Josh spoke. “What happened? Are you okay? I thought we were going to do the interview?”
“Interview’s fucking over,” I snapped as I skirted around him and hightailed it out of there.
Chapter Five
~David
“You want me to break everything down for you?” Josh asked.
But my thoughts were still on my conversation with Alexa and how upset she’d become because of it. I waved him off. “It’s all right. I’ll get it.”
“You sure?”
“Yes!” I snapped before struggling to regain my composure. “Sorry, man, I’m just on edge. Things got…intense before you got back. I need some time to regroup.” Josh shrugged and left without another word.
The revelation of Alexa’s past relationship with Devlin Saint had my mind reeling. The fact that she didn’t realize how he’d taken advantage of her—how all those men had taken advantage of her—fuck. All right, so maybe she really enjoyed sex. I believed that. Maybe she was even a borderline nympho, but that didn’t excuse Devlin from his actions towards her. Alexa was so fast to defend her choices but I’d found a gaping chink in her armor—love. I’d seen the soul deep pain in her eyes when I’d mentioned it on the plane and I’d recognized the denial and confusion when I’d told her that she’d been taken advantage of. She kept spouting off how she loved the adoration she got from being a porn star. She’d told me she loved the power she felt, the specialness… It had only taken me a few days to figure out Alexandra James’ deepest, darkest secret. She just wanted to be loved and accepted. She fucked on film for money because she thought that was the only way she could get it. The problem was, she was starting to doubt that reality. I’d seen that in her eyes too. The worst part—God help me—I wanted to save her from herself. My little adolescent crush had officially morphed into something a hell of a lot riskier. I now had real feelings for, not porn star Alexa, but for the woman underneath the persona, the woman who used to go by the name Andy.
I knew what I needed to do. I needed to pack up everything and get the hell out of Dodge as fast as humanly possible. Of course, there was no way I was actually going to do that. You see, men may think with their dicks, but we’re led by our hearts. Yep, I was completely screwed.
Chapter Six
~Alexa
I lay in the middle of my hotel bed, curled into a tiny ball. I was pissed; I was confused, I was sad… I was on my own personal emotional roller coaster and I didn’t know how to get off. At least I’d stopped crying. I hated to cry, it was just messy...not to mention embarrassing if anyone saw you. I had no idea what was going on with me anymore. My burnt out theory could still hold water, but somehow it felt like so much more. Whatever it was, somehow David was making it worse. I mean, who the hell was he to question my life? No one had ever taken advantage of me. I’d been the one who offered the blow jobs to those cops. And I was always the one who initiated things with Devlin…and other guys. Everything I’d done was my decision. No one took advantage of or manipulated me. I loved sex and I loved the affection it got me. But are you happy?
“Shut the fuck up!” I yelled at my own thoughts. Maybe I was simply going completely insane. They always said it was okay to talk to yourself as long as you don’t answer… Did I just answer? I laughed. I was being absolutely ridiculous. I knew what I needed. I needed to put everything back into perspective. I needed to be with someone who knew me, the real me. Not just the perception or image of me. I needed to see Devlin Saint. The memory of the last time I’d ever laid eyes on him snapped into my mind’s eye completely unbidden, and played there like an old distorted film strip.
“Andy, baby, oh, fuck.” Devlin bucked underneath me as I levered myself up, and slammed down onto his slick cock, reverse cowgirl style. His callused hands snaked up to dig into my hips as he attempted to move me faster. I leaned back, my long blonde hair flowing across his chest and shuddered my climax. Devlin pistoned his hips a few more times before his release pulsed into me. He muttered something unintelligible before pulling me off him and tucking me into his side. “Goddamn, baby, you fuck like a champ.”
I chortled. “You’re not so bad yourself.” I sat up on my elbow so I could study him. His chin length blond hair was a sweaty, tangled mess, framing his classically handsome chiseled jaw. His chocolate eyes were studying me as I studied him. “What are you thinking about, Dev?” I couldn’t help but ask. Something about him seemed more serious than normal.
“I can’t go to L.A.” he mumbled as he tore his gaze away from mine. “My father’s company is here—and I’m going to take it over one day. I—I just can’t go.”
Sudden heat suffused my body and I flew from the bed, my heart threatening to pound out of my chest. “Wha-what are you talking about?” I stammered, my vision faltering for a moment.
Devlin sat up and met my gaze once more. “Stay here in Pittsburgh with me. I’ll make you happy, I swear it. We can—“
“No!” I screeched. “You promised! You promised that we could go to L.A. so that I could—“
“Be a fucking porn star?” Devlin stood and stalked towards me. “I only agreed because I thought you’d grow out of wanting that. I love you, baby, and I’m tired of sharing you.”
I was completely blind-sided. “I thought you liked to watch me with other guys?”
“It was hot—hell, it still is. But we’re not kids anymore. We’re not—“
I trembled. “It’s my dream, Devlin. I want to be a porn star.”
Devlin grabbed my shoulders, his fingers digging into my flesh painfully. “It’s one thing to watch you fuck my best friend, knowing you’re coming home with me, that it’s just sex with him and you love me, but—I don’t want the world to know how fucked up we are. It’s time for us to grow up, Andy.” He shook me while his eyes bore into mine. “We need to grow the fuck up and I want a life with you. A real life.”
“No,” I whispered as tears pooled in the corners of my eyes. “I thought you understood—I thought you got me.”
Devlin pulled me into him and I was enveloped in his warmth and scent. It only made me shake more. “I do get you, Andy baby. I’ve understood you since we were kids. But dreams of being a porn star—I mean—what is that? Who sets out with goals of becoming that? It was a silly girl’s fantasy. It’s time for you to leave that all behind.”
“How am I supposed to do that? I don’t have any skills besides ‘fucking like a champ’.” I threw his complimentary post coital words back at him.
“You’re an amazing artist. You could paint—you could—“
“I don’t want to be a starving artist!” I screeched into Devlin’s chest. “I want to be someone. And the only way I can be is by being a porn star.”
Devlin shoved me away from him, anger sparking in his eyes. “You’d never be a starving artist. Haven’t I taken care of you all these years? What, fucking only me won’t be good enough for you? Only me loving you won’t be good enough for you?”
I met his darkened gaze as tears flowed down my face. “No. No it won’t.”
As I blinked my current surroundings back into focus I punched the bed in frustration. I couldn’t see Devlin. I’d almost forgotten how we’d left things. I’d painted him as a perfect image in my mind and the reality wasn’t exactly how I’d portrayed it to David either. It had turned out that Devlin wasn’t as thrilled to share me as I thought he’d always been. Sure he thought it was hot, but he’d reached a point where he was over it. But I knew in my heart what he had offered me—a normal life with him in Pittsburgh, wouldn’t have been enough for me. The fact that Devlin’s fa
mily was loaded and he could have provided me with any kind of material possession I desired only served as proof that wanting to be a porn star wasn’t just about the money. Not only had I craved the love and adoration being a porn star would give me, but I just plain old got off on exhibitionism. Just the thought of anyone watching me even pleasure myself got me wet.
Only one thing left to do in my current situation… I pulled myself out of bed and stumbled for the minibar.
I beat my fist against the thick wooden door. “Daaavid!” I sing-songed loudly. “David, I know you’re in there. I’m ready to do my interview now.” I pressed my ear to the door and when I didn’t hear anything I kicked it. “OW! Mother fucker!” I swore. Kicking the door probably wasn’t the best idea. I was rubbing the top of my shoe to sooth my sore toes when the sound of a dead bolt clicking behind me drew my attention. I swung around to face the room directly across from the one I’d been trying to gain admittance to and—“Hey, you’re in the wrong room.” David just stood there blinking at me in nothing but a pair of basketball shorts. And I’d been right. He was lean, but definitely not skinny. His torso and chest had a spattering of more brightly colored tattoos that I found very intriguing. Without his glasses and in his current state of undress, well it made him seem more like he should be in a band than filming a documentary. And I really, really wanted to make some music with him right about then. “Are you hiding from me?” I stumbled over to him and placed my hands—hand on my hip because I needed the other one to hold myself up.
David peered down at me, his ice blue gaze scrutinizing. “Exactly how drunk are you?”
I rolled my eyes. “Just buzzed, not drunk.” I pushed past him into his room. “But I’m ready for my interview now.”
I heard David heave a huge sigh before shutting the door behind me. “Alexa, it’s four a.m. I was sleeping.”
I giggled. “Need company?” I tottered over to his king sized bed, kicked off my heels and then flopped face first onto the mattress.
“I thought you wanted to do the interview?”
“Yeah, you’re probably right. I’m drunk. So no interview.” I giggled again and it came out muffled against the bed. “It seemed like a good idea five minutes ago.” I rolled over to my back. “Now fucking you stupid seems like a better plan.”
“I thought you were pissed at me?”
“I was. But I’m a happy drunk. And horny. I’m also a horny drunk.” I spread my legs apart, revealing that I wasn’t wearing any panties under my skirt. My eyes were currently closed, but judging from the sharp intake of breath, David’s weren’t.
“We’ve been through this, Alexa. I’m not interested.”
I let my legs fall open even wider and I trailed my fingertips down my body while undulating my hips. “Please, David. I need you. Please fuck me.”
“You’re drunk. Hell, your eyes aren’t even open,” David snapped.
I peeked out from behind my eyelashes to watch his face as I began to masturbate right there in the middle of his bed. His eyes were locked onto the movement of my hand and his jaw was clenched together tightly. Oh he was interested. He just didn’t want to be interested. “David,” I moaned. “I need you.”
“Stop it, Alexa. Just stop it.” His voice held barely controlled rage, which actually made me pause what I was doing.
I opened my eyes fully to meet his gaze. “Why?”
“Because—because you only want me for the simple fact that I turned you down before.”
“Maybe,” I murmured. “But does it really matter?”
David ran his hands through his dark hair making it stick up at odd angles. “Yes, it matters to me.”
I chewed on my lip for a second before pushing myself off of the bed. “I lied before.”
“What?” He stared at me with confusion.
“I said I lied before—about Devlin. He was less than enthused to continue sharing me. He wanted me to give up my dream of being a porn star and to settle down here in Pittsburgh with him.”
“So why didn’t you?”
“Because it wouldn’t have been enough for me. He wasn’t enough for me.” I started to sob. So much for being a happy drunk. I was still horny though.
“Maybe if you figure out why that is then you can figure out what you really need out of life.”
David’s words cut into my soul and rang with crystal clarity. Had something been missing in my relationship with Devlin that caused me to seek out other men and ultimately a career as a porn star? Or maybe something had been missing in my life that caused me to form the kind of relationship with Devlin to begin with. Why had I decided that being a porn star would make me happy? Why did I have this desperate need to be loved by every man I met? Did I maybe have some kind of deep seeded psychological issue that I needed to figure out? No—no—no—no—no! I was letting David get to me again to cause self-doubts. There was nothing wrong with me. I loved my job and I loved sex. Beginning and end of story. “Stop trying to psychoanalyze me, David. I don’t have some kind of sad, twisted past that made me choose porn. I got news for you—some people just enjoy sex, and you obviously aren’t one of them.”
“Sometimes the truth hurts, Alexa.”
I ignored him and lurched for his bed again. The room was beginning to spin. “I’m just going to take a little nap and when I wake up I’m going to storm out of here proper liiike.” My words were starting to slur a bit. “But don’t tell you I said that.” I was going downhill fast. Hadn’t I been pretty lucid a few moments ago? I guess those little bottles of Southern Comfort were finally catching up to me. That’s why I usually stuck to beer or wine. I slid my legs under the cool sheets and curled into a ball. “Just like five minutes—maybe ten.” That was the last thing I remembered before passing out.
Chapter Seven
~David
Alexa was passed out in my bed. I’d been driven to take care of myself in the shower. I’d told her I wasn’t interested, but that was a lie. I wanted her so badly my entire body ached. What I’d said to her was the truth though. She only wanted me because I’d turned her down. It was fairly obvious, at least to me, that Alexa had the ego of a man. She didn’t like the fact that I hadn’t fallen to my knees, panting for her. I wasn’t about to be just another notch on her bedpost though. Alexa was the kind of woman who once you got a taste you’d crave only her flavor for the rest of your life. One doesn’t just inject their veins with heroine and expect to not get addicted. Having any kind of sexual relations with Alexa would lead to my addiction, and I couldn’t allow that to happen.
I paced the floor at the end of the bed and considered my options. I should probably just sleep on the couch. It didn’t look particularly comfortable, but at least I wouldn’t have to worry about touching Alexa in my sleep. I snorted to myself. Yeah, there’d be no sleep for me tonight with her in such close proximity. For that reason I decided I’d risk the bed. Besides I was beginning to get worried about her. Her breathing seemed shallow and she hadn’t so much as twitched since she passed out. What if she has alcohol poisoning or—what if she’s on drugs? That thought sent me into a panic.
I practically tripped over my own feet getting to her. I gently pulled the top of the comforter back so I could see her face and she didn’t respond in any manner. I tentatively pressed my index and middle finger into her neck in search of a pulse. I couldn’t find it but I could see that she was breathing, and she was warm to the touch. Shit! I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Maybe I should call someone? I’d rather have Alexa pissed at me for over reacting than for her to die on my watch.
Decision made, I rushed to call the front desk. As soon as they let me know a paramedic was on the way, I heaved a sigh of relief.
“Her pulse and respiratory functions are normal. I’d keep an eye on her though if you suspect she’s taken anything other than alcohol.” The elderly paramedic informed me. “She your girlfriend or wife?”
I glanced down at Alexa’s still form and felt my ches
t tighten. “No. We’re just friends.” I wasn’t even sure we were that, but I didn’t feel like explaining myself.
He nodded. “It’s good she has a friend like you to watch over her. Keep an eye on her like I said, one can never be too careful when mixing drugs and alcohol, if that’s what she did.”
I nodded appreciatively. “Thank you so much. And I will keep an eye on her.”
After he left, I checked on Alexa again. Once satisfied, I tucked the covers around her snugly, and grabbed my laptop. I settled into bed next to her and started working. I had days of emails and other miscellaneous things to catch up on. It was as good a time as any since I wouldn’t be getting any sleep.
Chapter Eight
~Alexa
I woke up to the clickity-clacking of someone typing. The problem was, my head was pounding so badly that it felt like the keyboard was right next to me. I peeled my makeup encrusted eyes open, and realized that the keyboard sounded like it was right next to me…because it was. David was currently lounging in bed, propped up by a few pillows, in the same thing he’d been wearing before I passed out, typing like a mad man. His features were pinched in concentration, which for some reason made a smile tug at my lips despite my current discomfort. David intrigued me. He was intelligent, kind of geeky, but sexy at the same time. I felt like he actually listened to me when I talked. He also pissed me the fuck off with the way he tried to pick at my life and the choices I’ve made. But I kind of liked that he challenged me…just a little anyways.
“Hey,” I mumbled. “What time is it?”
David shifted his gaze to me and his expression softened. “A little after one.”
