More Than I Wanted

by Ava Catori

  “I guess,” I said, lowering my head. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of my sails. Yes, he’d chosen to spend his last days with me, but I was a nothing in their eyes. I didn’t exist. They don’t even realize I love him, I’m supporting him emotionally, and that I care too. I hated how selfish I felt in the moment, but didn’t know how to turn it off. Austin had become my entire world, and I was invisible to them.

  “Do we really have to do this now?” He asked, his voice flecked with frustration. His hand was stroking my cheek. “Sweetheart, you know what you mean to me.”

  “Your sister, does your sister at least know?” He had to have told his sister, right? I mean, I wasn’t this complete secret, was I?

  He was silent. I was heartbroken. Nobody in his family knew about me. I felt invisible.

  This was the wrong time to have this conversation. He’s right, it shouldn’t matter. Our relationship was between the two of us, and who knew or didn’t know about us was irrelevant.

  I took a deep breath and offered a compromise. “I’ll let it go, on the condition that when you return you tell them about us.” It was all I could offer. I wasn’t happy this way, but now wasn’t the time to fight about it. I had to swallow my pride and let it go.

  “That I can do,” he said, a small smile spreading across his lips. He knew I was settling and not happy with the situation, but we had more important things to worry about at the moment.

  Chapter 19

  Looking into Austin’s eyes, I saw his sincerity. He was in love with me as much as I was with him. I reached over and traced one of his eyebrows without thinking. I couldn’t turn away, a simple look said so much. We held that moment, feeling the electricity in the air, and after a few more seconds Austin reached in to kiss me.

  Our kisses were filled with questions of the future, love, passion, and hunger. Would this be the last time we’d make love, or would it be only the beginning of many years together? We wanted to believe we’d end up united down the road, but there was really no way to predict the future.

  It won’t change the ache of being alone for a year, but in this moment we could grow together, building our intimacy to another level. I wanted to live with him, and be his wife one day.

  His lips moved to the side of my neck, and I tilted my head to give him better access. He gently brushed my hair aside. Sweet, soft kisses, nuzzling, and passionate suckling of my skin sent a tingling sensation through my body. What was it about that simple little move that made me want to strip off all of my clothes and get naughty?

  “I love you,” I sighed.

  Austin pulled his mouth off, just far enough to blow gently on my skin, and then moved up to my ear. His lips teased the tiny bits of my lobe, but the warm breath near it sent me into a tizzy. I started to giggle, but it felt so good. He laughed at my reaction, but held me tighter. His mouth nibbled lightly on the edge of my ear, and then exhaling, his warm breath went through me again.

  His tongue followed behind, and within seconds I was ready to tear off my panties and sit on him. I held back, wanting our time to last, but my body was on fire and ready to go.

  My eyes were closed, and my mind foggy. I was lost in the sensations. My sighs turned into moans, letting him know he was doing everything right.

  Sitting on the sofa with no urgency to head to the bedroom, Austin started to unbutton my blouse, watching my eyes as he undid one button after the other painfully slow. He was taking his time and letting me know it.

  Slipping the silky material of my blouse over my shoulders, it caught near my elbows. I would have moved to take it off, but his mouth was back on my skin, and I was mesmerized, drawn in to the sexual surge I was feeling. His lips were soft and tender, his tongue teasing at every movement. My breathing got heavier as I sank into the incredible pleasures.

  Austin slipped his hand over my breast, my bra still in place, and cupped me fully. Kneading my breast, he leaned in and kissed my nipple through the material. It was a different sensation than I was used to. Letting go, he quickly pushed my bra up over my breasts, and placed his lips on me.

  His mouth connected to one of my breasts, licking, sucking, and I pressed into his mouth not wanting him to stop. I was on fire, damp between my legs, and desperate to feel him inside of me. I knew to be patient and draw out the foreplay, but I was horny and feeling crazed with all the teasing he was doing.

  Finally, he reached around and unhooked my bra, helping me remove it. I shifted my arms out of my blouse and bra, and sat partially naked and exposed before my boyfriend on the sofa.

  I drank in his cologne that had warmed on his skin. I loved how he smelled, and breathed in deeply. It was as if something clicked inside, and I couldn’t get enough of his essence.

  In a small growl he said, “Mmm yeah, who’s your daddy, baby girl?”

  I burst out in a fit of giggles hearing him say that. I know, I know! Talk about timing, but hearing the words I couldn’t stop myself. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love a little dirty talk, but it was too late. The damn had bust, and I was laughing full on. Tears were welling up in my eyes from the laughter.

  “Yes,” he said, annoyed that I’d broken his stride. He was putting his best moves on me, and I’d totally blown the romance of the moment.

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it just caught me off guard.” I kept apologizing, but I couldn’t stop laughing.

  Rolling his eyes, he shook his head lightly and said, “Should I continue?”

  My breathing was heavy, and I choked out, “With or without the dirty talk?” I was cracking myself up. My sides hurt; I was laughing so hard, tears were streaming down my face now.

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It’s just…” and the laughter continued. When I finally had it out of my system and calmed down, I knew that I’d totally changed the mood.

  I swear that much laughter is like an orgasm! I was wiped out, exhausted from my self amusement, and asked for a moment to recoup. “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh,” I said, trying to catch my breath. Finally, I exhaled deeply and seemed to have gotten it all out of me.

  “Amused?” He arched his eyebrow and shook his head.

  “A little,” I said holding my fingers up, in a show of how little. “I’m sorry, I know we were getting all romantic, but let’s face it, there was this tension in the room, and after that it’s all gone.”

  He pretended to not be amused, but I think he found it funny too, he just hid it better than me.

  “I’m sorry that I’m not up on the latest dirty talk. I thought I’d toss something in there, but obviously I made the wrong choice.” His voice went up an octave playfully, “Maybe I’ll try again later, maybe I won’t. Maybe you’ve scarred me for life, we’ll see.” I knew he was mocking me with that last statement.

  Slowly we made our way back to kissing, but the mood had changed and we both knew it. We decided to take a break, and start again later. I pulled my shirt back on, but left it partially unbuttoned. Carefully I scooped up my bra and tossed it on the coffee table.

  “Ooh, I forgot, I picked up some champagne, give me a second,” I said hopping up and heading to the kitchen.

  He showed up right behind me, “Do you need help with the cork?”

  “Sure, if you want to do it, there’s a towel over there so it doesn’t go flying.” I got up on my toes and pulled out two glasses from the cabinet. I could barely reach, but if I stretched my arm just enough I could get them.

  I heard the large pop of the cork releasing, and placed the glasses near Austin on the counter. After pouring the bubbly, he handed one to me, and took one for himself. “To us,” he toasted.

  “To us,” I repeated, taking a small sip of the champagne. It was the perfect combination of sweet and dry.

  I tilted my head looking at my guy. He was amazingly sexy. I flashed back to the day I first met him, and broke out in a smile. I was a lucky girl, because he was all mine.

  “What are you smiling at?” He asked, suspicious of my sudden gri
n.

  “I was just remembering when we first met. You looked so hot! I was instantly struck by how handsome you were. And your body, mmmm.” I smiled at my lover, “I kept trying to steal glances, hoping you wouldn’t catch me.”

  “I was hot?” He said, pretending to be wounded. “Have I lost my boyish good looks all ready?”

  “Hardly,” I said, “I just pinch myself sometimes, realizing that you’re mine. You barely batted an eye at me the day we met. I was all drooling and stuff and you barely flinched, yet here you are standing in my kitchen, totally in love with me.” I wore a silly grin.

  “You’re right about that, I am totally in love with you,” he leaned in and gave me a sweet, simple kiss. “How could I not be? You’re warm and kind, gorgeous, and you’re just the right amount of naughty.”

  “Well, come on lover boy, let’s go get naughty together now,” I teased, placing my glass down and skipping to the bedroom. Chasing behind, Austin pounced on me, and together we landed on the bed.

  “I’m going to miss you so much,” I sighed. I wasn’t ready to let him go, not yet. I knew I didn’t have a choice, but it didn’t change the fact that I ached to have him by my side daily.

  “I know,” his fingers were pushing my hair out of my face. “But when I get back, it’s over. I’ll be able to get out. My time will be up, and then I’ll be on inactive reserve. This is it, baby. Get through this with me, and we’re home free.”

  I nodded, “I’m not going anywhere.” I was sure of it. They weren’t just words, I meant it.

  “Now, wasn’t this off earlier?” He said, helping me unbutton my shirt again. I rolled off of the bed, and stripped my slacks and panties off.

  “Your turn,” I edged. I loved watching him undress – never got tired of it. He was like moving art, beautiful to watch.

  Austin stood and removed his clothing. Kicking his shoes off, he finally slipped out of his shirt and jeans. Standing in his skivvies, he did a little playful dance, and then stripped them from his body.

  “Ooh, you’re cute and hard. I like that combination in a man,” I winked.

  He smiled and showcased his body, playfully posing for me. As Austin sat back down, his legs remained on the floor. I climbed on his lap and pushed him back so that he was lying down. My legs bent up beside him, and I pressed my chest into his, layering sweet kisses on his lips.

  His arms were strong, and as he embraced me our kisses grew more heated. I carefully positioned myself on his hardness, and slowly lifted my hips, then lowered them, feeling him penetrate me. With a gentle thrust from below, we moved in slow motion, enjoying the sensation of being bonded as one.

  In and out, in slow motion we moved together. My sighs turned into soft moans, and as he reached down to cup my ass, his movements picked up pace. The sounds of love were in the air as Austin filled me. I held on fast, letting him take control from below, and with a final thrust I let out a groan.

  My body stiffened, and I needed him to stop for a second while I regained composure. Finally relaxing, Austin continued until he reached his own peak.

  His words were tender, “You angelic, I love watching you.”

  I blushed, but it was sweet.

  “That was exquisite,” I purred. “Look at you tempting me like this,” I said. “If you keep making me feel this good, I’ll never let you leave.”

  “I wish I could stay longer, but at least we have tonight.” His words were comforting, but our time was running out.

  I nodded, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “It’s okay, I knew what you meant.” He lowered his voice, “I’ll be back, don’t forget that.”

  “Not for one second,” I whispered.

  We curled up under the covers, my head on Austin’s chest, his arm wrapped around me, and we talked softly. We shared gossip, stories of our youth, and were just being silly. I treasured every second.

  I had a small ache in my belly, knowing these would be our last moments together for a year. If he got R&R, I’d see him for a two week tease, but then he’d be yanked out of my arms again. We’d decided that we’d say our good-byes here, and then he’d take care of last minute things on his own before heading out. I hated that this would be out last day, and I’d have a short bit of the morning, but once that passed, he’d be gone.

  He reminded me that we might get a couple minutes of video chat here and there, and he’d call when he could. That would have to be enough. His time would be dictated by the military, and it wasn’t like having a nine to five job over there. His days would be long, his duties many, and stress would be high. He promised to do what he could to contact me as much as he possibly could.

  Slowly our words ran out, and our mouths and hands took over, enjoying pleasures of the flesh once again. Making love, I hoped my feelings were obvious. It didn’t seem like words were enough at this point. How could I express such deep love with merely “I love you” – it didn’t seem strong enough to express what I was feeling.

  Stirring under the covers, I breathed in his fragrant cologne and nuzzled into his neck. His skin was hot on my lips, and with desire in my loins I tenderly licked and sucked his body.

  I couldn’t get enough of Austin. I was trying to absorb every bit of him, soaking each second in, and knowing it would be the last for awhile. I didn’t want to let go, couldn’t. Time was moving too fast.

  Austin wrapped me in his arms and rolled up over me, taking charge. Watching him above me, I couldn’t look away, he was captivating. As our eyes locked on one another, I felt him enter me again.

  The bliss I felt in those moments was unexplainable. I was mesmerized, watching him over me. The sensations rolling through my body had me breathing heavy, and as I wrapped my legs up and around my lover’s body, I held on tightly, hoping to never let go. The longing in my heart, the craving from my body, it all came together overwhelming me. It was agonizing knowing he’d be leaving soon. And yet it was all consuming, my need, my yearning, and my desire for the man over me.

  As we collapsed into a heap, sinking into the covers, we cherished the time we had left. Satisfaction sat on my lips in a soft smile, and I leaned in to kiss him. Austin looked into my eyes, raked his fingers through my hair, and whispered that he loved me.

  Chapter 20

  We decided on pizza for dinner, and I’d stocked up on a couple snacks to have around the house. I didn’t want to leave. I needed to spend every second with Austin, undisturbed. I wanted to talk, snuggle, make love, and laugh.

  Sitting on the sofa, we enjoyed a couple of slices. I turned music on low for background noise and got up, dancing with pizza in my hand. Swaying my hips, laughing and enjoying our time together, I felt silly, but crazy in love.

  We tried to keep the mood light, because if we got too serious I’d choke up and get all emotional on him. Sharing stories of our youth and college days, I made the mistake of asking Austin about his first time, wondering if it was awkward or magically. Kick me now; I know some things are better left unspoken. What was I thinking?

  He hesitated and said, “It was with Emily.”

  “What?” I wished I’d never asked. Why did I do that? It wasn’t my business, but now I’ll always know she was his first. How could she possibly have been his first – it’s not possible, is it?

  “I waited,” he said quietly. “Sure I fooled around and stuff, but I waited until I met what I thought was the right girl. I guess at the time she was. It was awkward, and that was that.”

  “Wow.” I was embarrassed; it was not only sweet, but nerve wracking. My stomach turned. She really held his heart at one point. “My first time was drunk at a college party, not so special,” I blushed. I suddenly felt like a slut. I didn’t wait; I just let it go in the heat of a drunken moment.

  “Do you wish it was different?” He asked, and I hated myself for bringing this topic up. It was a poor choice of conversation, but now we were smack dab in the middle of it.

  “I don’t think a
bout it that way. It’s just my past,” I said, shrugging it off. Maybe I did. Maybe if someone had swept me off my feet, made me feel special, I’d feel differently. But the truth is that there wasn’t somebody special until later. I suddenly felt a little ashamed that I’d given it away so easily, when a man as handsome as Austin, a guy who could get anyone he wanted, cherished his virginity and gave it to someone special to him.

  I desperately was trying to think of any other topic to change the course of our conversation, but I was stuck. I was fixing to move on, but I stumbled and couldn’t stop thinking about his words – and Emily once again.

  We finally got over the hurdle and moved forward. We talked about pets we had growing up, friends, and vacations we took over the years. Heather and Scott’s baby was a topic, as was every kind of food and favorite dessert we could think of. We shared favorite movies, bands, and television shows. It was a continual flow of sharing. I was taking in as much information as I could, and giving back just as much.

  He liked sausage and pepperoni on his pizza, but sometimes he liked it plain. His parents weren’t fond of pets, so they weren’t part of his household. His sister was eight years younger than he was, and while he adored her, they weren’t especially close due to the age difference.

  His favorite desserts were pumpkin pie and cheesecake, though a good bowl of ice cream would never be turned down. I loved learning tiny details about him, and tucked away as many as I could remember. I wanted to know everything, no matter how mundane he thought the topic was. I was trying to absorb every single detail that I could.

  Austin’s phone rang, and as he ran to the other room, scooping it out of the pocket of his jeans, he flipped it open answering it. He put his finger to his lips to shush me.

  “Hey Mom,” he said.

  I felt a weird twist in my stomach. I wanted her to know about me, but it wasn’t my choice.

  “Yeah, I know,” it was one sided for awhile. “Mmhmm, I will. Right…” he looked over at me. Taking a deep breath, “There’s something I have to tell you,” he started, and then right there in front of me, he told his mother about this amazing woman who has been in his life for awhile now, and he thought she should know. Yes, he would fill her in on more information later, and with the tiniest little smile, he looked relieved. “Right, I love you too, I’ll call you tomorrow before I go.”