The Art of Reading People

by Ian Tuhovsky

  Active liars are more prone than honest people to verbal diarrhea. This means they speak faster and use more words than people telling the truth. Liars using implication or omission to lie tend to do the opposite and speak much less.

  Liars are more likely to speak in the third person, because they want the listener to not associate them with the lie. Liars will place blame, and even credit, on a third party, too, so that they are not seen as part of the process.

  Although people who swear are more often perceived as being honest, when someone starts swearing more than usual, chances are they are lying! Again, it is thought that the energy it takes to formulate a lie distracts people from other aspects of conversation, such as norms about politeness.

  These three examples hold true for many people who are lying, whether they are lying actively, through implication, or through omission. However, this is not always a reliable way of telling if someone is lying, as people with lower empathy may not display the same behaviors. If you do not feel guilty about saying or doing something, chances are you will not act like a guilty person. Older, more experienced liars may also be able to hide their nervousness. [36]

  Exercise:

  Make a point of studying speech patterns and the words used by people around you. People with lower empathy, such as narcissistic or psychopathic people, may not be very obvious liars. But someone who is more solipsistic, or Machiavellian may still display normal signs of mental exhaustion and nervousness, giving them away.

  Lesson 17: The physical signs of lying.

  That said, spotting a liar with reduced or absent empathy can still be very easy if you know what to look for. Most non-empathetic people display very strong physical signs that they are lying. This is because lies take place in a different part of the brain than truths.

  A truth comes from our memory. This is a fairly simple process, activating only a few parts of the brain. However, hard you have to try and remember things, the actual memory will be drawn out fairly easily. This means that our body will not show many signs of stress when we tell the truth.

  A lie comes from our imagination. This is a much more complicated process, activating a lot more of the brain and using a lot of oxygen. The body of a liar will display some signs of stress, even if on a personal level they are not bothered by the act of lying. We’re looking for these differences.

  Some signs that someone is inventing what they are saying include physical twitches, looking to their right, flushing, or licking their lips. A twitch of the hands indicates increased pulse and a rush of adrenaline. Their eye moving to the right of their face shows they are imagining things. Blushing and lip licking show an increase in blood pressure from the brain working harder.

  Does this mean all liars show these physical signs? Again, sadly not. Some people are delusional, and therefore believe their own lies. They “remember” them in much the same way we remember truths! And some people are aware of these physical cues and have trained themselves not to show them. The vast majority of the time, a liar will display these signs.[37]

  Exercise:

  When you are in conversation with someone, try and analyze their posture and general behavior. Watch what they are like normally, and then when they are joking, or making things up. Telling the difference between honesty and open lies allows you to later tell when they are actually trying to deceive you.

  That said, some people lie continually, and obviously these people, when caught, are not to be trusted whether or not you can see signs of lying or not.

  Lesson 18: Confronting pathological liars.

  Confronting a pathological liar is difficult for many reasons. For starters, many pathological liars find the truth uncomfortable. Even if the truth is not harmful to them, they are repulsed by it in almost the same way a normal person is repulsed by a lie. This could be argued to be the force of habit, like someone who cannot stand to drink clean water because they are used to soda and coffee. [38]

  Sometimes the truth is uncomfortable to them because reality is not pleasant. Survivors of abuse, or people in bad relationships, will often lie about how reality works as a form of escapism. This allows them to live in a delusion which is happier, more pleasant, and more under their control than their real life. These lies act as a drug for these people and confronting them means taking their coping mechanism away.

  Even if they do not find the truth too uncomfortable, some pathological liars will be ashamed of what they are doing. When they are caught they feel uncomfortable and angry and will double down on their lies. Being discovered is worse than being dishonest, in their mind.

  If someone is using lies to manipulate you, then they will not confess to what they are doing. If you know they are liars, then you will be on your guard. This would make it harder for them to manipulate you again, so they will insist they were not lying. They might say they were telling the truth. They might say they believed it to be the truth, or that someone else lied to them first; anything but admit they were manipulating you.[39]

  It can be hard to tell whether someone is lying intentionally. If you accuse someone of lying pathologically, then they could react any number of ways. A perfectly decent person who is afflicted by pathological lying may deny it vehemently, out of shame or compulsion. A manipulative person may admit to their lying, but then try and soften the blow. They may cry about it to make you pity them or insist they did not mean to hurt you. [40]

  There is basically no right way to confront a pathological liar. So, what is the best solution?

  According to medical professionals, the best option is just to correct them and move on. Do not trust what they say, double check every claim they make. If you catch them lying, tell them the truth, and then let them be. If they insist that what they said was true, then repeat the truth back to them again, calmly and collectedly, and let them be again.

  In the case of a compulsive liar, you are sparing them the shame of being confronted. In the case of a manipulative liar, you are showing them you are not vulnerable to their attacks. And in both cases, you are psychologically arming yourself against their bad behavior. You are adapting to the situation, so even if they continue to lie to you, you will be prepared. [41]

  Exercise:

  Practice handling liars so that you get in the habit of it. Imagine someone has lied to you and think of how you would correct them and how you would move on. For example, if someone said nobody called that day, but there is a call recorded you might say, “No, there is a call recorded,” to correct them and “who was it, what did they say?” to move on.

  Try this out on the following scenarios:

  You have asked a friend where they have been all day. They said “at home”, but you saw them out and about.

  You said that you owed someone $100 by mistake, when you owe them $75, but they did not correct you.

  You mention a past time when a colleague lied to you, but they insist it never happened in the first place.

  Lesson 19: Handling the aftermath of pathological lies.

  When pathological lies are not corrected immediately, often they leave a lot of problems behind. You lose your trust in the other person, while tension and anger brews between you. It is possible that they will keep trying to push your boundaries again, to return to the routine you used to have. Not to mention, you might be placed in an uncomfortable position with other people that remain in the dark about their lies.

  Exercise:

  Take the same scenarios as in Lesson 16. Imagine that you did not react to these incidences of lying, and now you need to correct the aftermath. Ask yourself who you would turn to first, what you would say to them, and how you would plan your solution:

  You have asked a friend where they have been all day. They said “at home”, but you saw them out and about.

  ◦ AFTERMATH: They have now started lying to you about where they are going and what they are doing, and you are not sure if they even want to spend time with you.

  You said that you o
wed someone $100 by mistake, when you owe them $75, but they did not correct you.

  ◦ AFTERMATH: You move to pay them the correct amount, but they say you owed them $100.

  You are starting to talk about some pain you are experiencing, and your partner rolls their eyes.

  ◦ AFTERMATH: You are in pain but feel you cannot tell your partner because they will not take your problems seriously.

  You mention all the work you have been doing toward a project and ask for a raise, but your manager ignores you completely.

  ◦ AFTERMATH: Someone else gets a raise and a promotion for working on the same project. You get nothing.

  You mention a past time when a colleague lied to you, but they insist it never happened in the first place.

  ◦ AFTERMATH: Your other coworkers now assume you are a liar, or that your memory of past events is not very reliable. They mention this incident as proof that you get things wrong.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN: THRILL-SEEKERS

  A lot of Bad Guys are hardcore thrill-seekers. Whether they are diagnosed with an official mental illness, such as psychopathy or borderline personality disorder, or they are just terrible people, Bad Guys often chase a rush. They are more likely to be addicted to drugs or alcohol, to be hooked on sex or gambling or video games, to shop without considering their bank balance and spend themselves into the red. They are more likely to engage in risky behaviors like unprotected sex, extreme sports, or animal handling. They may modify their bodies, either surgically, through tattoos and piercings, or even through extreme methods such as scarification.[42]

  Like with most of these behavioral problems, on its own thrill-seeking is completely harmless. Getting a tattoo does not do you, or those close to you, any harm. If you decide you want to go skydiving, then there are many ways of doing it perfectly safely, with minimal real risk. And if you are a very sexual, or otherwise physical person, there are ways of indulging carnal pleasures without opening yourself up to sexually transmitted diseases.

  In fact, many of us seek thrills on some level or another in our lives. We all have our own threshold for what is “thrilling”, but we like to push our limits and feel our hearts beat fast and our minds go blank at the excitement of something challenging. We are designed to live with random bursts of stress, and the relief we feel after doing something like riding a rollercoaster is deeply reviving. And, again, we are not hurting anyone by doing it.[43]

  Many Bad Guys will, however, seek thrills at the expense of other people. Again, this is a case of the Bad Guy either not thinking about you, or enjoying your suffering. They do not care that you will lose money, they just want the thrill of robbing you. They do not care that you will suffer physical pain and fear, they just want the thrill of assaulting or fighting you. They do not care that they might go crazy and hurt someone, they just want the thrill of getting high or drunk. Nothing matters other than them feeling good, alive, even.

  Bad Guys often even seek thrills at their own expense! When a Bad Guy engages in unprotected casual sex, they are putting themselves at risk of infection or pregnancy. When they take drugs, they are putting themselves at risk of arrest or physical harm. When they spend all their money in one outing, they are putting themselves at risk of ending up in debt, or on the streets. None of these things enter their consideration. All that matters to them is getting their next fix of adrenaline and dopamine.

  Their addiction to thrill-seeking is precisely what makes them so dangerous. If someone is not willing to even consider their own well-being, then your well-being is completely out of their mind, too. If when they stare death in the face they just shrug, then they probably think nothing of putting your life at risk. These are exactly the sort of people who could be said to have “nothing to lose”. That is not to say they do not fear punishment, only that they never even think about it so long as they are having fun.

  When I was living with my shopaholic ex-girlfriend, she continually chased the next thrill. She would take my money to spend, of course which put her at risk of getting caught, arrested, and losing the relationship.

  But she would also spend any money of her own, driving herself into the red, just so she could go shopping again. She never thought of the future repercussions of her actions. And if she didn't care about what happened to her, do you think she could have ever cared about what happened to me?

  Sometimes thrill-seekers act criminally to get their high. My ex-girlfriend’s behavior was arguably criminal because she stole from me. Domestic violence is another example of criminal thrill-seeking. It can still get worse. Some thrill-seekers will attack people, commit grand theft auto, rape, or even kill to get their thrill. Knowing that what they are doing is “forbidden” gives them the rush. The idea of getting caught is the most exciting part, and any punishment is not a deterrent, but a motivator.

  Sometimes thrill-seekers will try and get a rise out of you. I have never dealt with one myself, but I have seen them in action. These are either a sort of masochist, or someone with serious delusions of grandeur. They are trying to get you to argue with them, shout at them, or physically attack them. If they are doing this because they are masochists, or have a victim complex, they want to be seen to suffer. If they are doing it because they believe they are untouchable, they will then retaliate against you. Usually, their reactions will be completely disproportionate to your original action.[44]

  Sometimes thrill-seekers will lie repeatedly for the rush. Again, it is the knowledge they are doing something forbidden which motivates them. Sometimes they relish the idea of getting caught and being challenged. This connects them to the thrill-seekers who want to get a rise out of you. But often thrill-seekers who lie do so because they believe they will never be caught. It gives them a rush to think that they are somehow better than you. “Tricking” their victims are their top priority, and doing so makes them feel intelligent, educated, or important. [45]

  Sometimes thrill-seekers will simply adopt harmful habits without considering you. They are not trying to hurt you, make you angry, or trick you. They are managing to avoid engaging in criminal behaviors. Do not be fooled as they are still taking serious risks. Maybe they are getting drunk every single day and wrecking their health. Maybe they are playing with knives or fire, making sure to avoid harming others, but hurting themselves. Maybe they are spending all their own money and ending up in serious debt.[46]

  Whatever they are doing, it is destroying them not you, so they think it is okay. What they don't realize is that everything they do influences your life. The alcoholic does not see that you need to pay for their medical bills, or nurse them back to health. The pyromaniac does not see that you would need to arrange their funeral. The shopaholic does not see that you will have to support them when they are homeless.

  Not to mention the mental and emotional pain they cause. Almost every thrill-seeker of every type will completely ignore the mental and emotional pain they are putting you through. At best, they will tell you to “get over it”. At worst, they cannot understand why you care. They will probably never see things through your eyes and stop hurting you.[47]

  The end result of all these behaviors is that they are continually putting their lives, health, money, safety, and relationships at risk. And if you are connected to them, they may also be putting your life, health, money, safety, and relationships at risk! Whether they are your partner, your parent, your child, your friend, or your coworker, you are on some level responsible for them.

  When anything they do backfires, you might find out you have a legal responsibility to help them. Or you might find you are emotionally drawn to helping them. Or you may be pressured by your community into helping them. Whatever the case, their behavior puts your well-being at risk.

  Another rarely discussed aspect of handling Bad Guys is that sometimes victims seek out Bad Guys because the victim is a thrill-seeker. There are some people who crave the thrills of a risky relationship because it makes them feel alive, sexually aroused, or simply no
t bored. When there is not a Bad Guy in their lives, they may feel lonely, bored, or aimless.

  In many ways this is because they have fallen into the habit of abuse. In much the same way as widows and empty nesters find it hard to adapt to life after losing someone, victims may find it hard to adapt to life without their abuser. They are so used to living in fear, that when they are not afraid they feel empty. Confusing fear for excitement, they seek another Bad Guy to fill the void.[48]

  Many Bad Guy behaviors can trigger the rush which a thrill-seeker loves. Physical violence may make a masochist feel sexually aroused, or someone with a martyr complex feel validated. Gaslighting and lying may provide arguments which a thrill-seeker may enjoy. Narcissistic self-love and a delusional sense of grandeur can give a thrill-seeker a power struggle which can provide regular excitement. Some victims of Bad Guys will not only seek out Bad Guys to have relationships with, but will actively provoke them, as they do not feel happy unless they are in an aggressive relationship.

  This push and pull of baiting and abuse is a dangerous game. Out of the 24% of relationships with domestic violence, half of them are reciprocally violent, meaning that both parties are equally as violent to one another. Because in a reciprocally violent relationship both partners are baiting and abusing, reciprocally violent relationships have the highest rate of injury among all domestic violence situations at 31.4%.[49]