The Art of Reading People

by Ian Tuhovsky

  No matter what stage our relationship is at, we must defend these boundaries. Our outcome independence relies on us having an independent life, and a healthy attitude toward the people in it. If we allow them to push past our boundaries and break our rules, we open ourselves up to being hurt, physically or emotionally. Normal, healthy people will not do this to us. But everyone can potentially be a Bad Guy, so we need to take these basic precautions just in case. A healthy person will understand our boundaries and respect them.

  And when relationships come to an end, for whatever reason, we need to again establish our boundaries. There will be new boundaries, whether the relationship transforms or ends completely. You might ask them not to talk to you, or to avoid certain subjects. You might ask for your possessions back, or to stop having your usual coffee date. Whatever they are, define your new boundaries clearly and discuss them with the other party.[67]

  There is no reason why every relationship should end on a sour note, and nobody should ever leave you feeling fearful for your own well-being at any point in a relationship. As your life changes and transforms, so much the people in it. And if you are outcome independent, then you have nothing to fear.

  Lesson 25: Who are the Bad Guys in your life?

  Having completed this book, the time has come to really scrutinize your relationships with others. You might find it suddenly really easy to spot Bad Guys around you, but not to notice the ones in your own social circles! As we have already discussed, we tend to give the benefit of the doubt to people we know. We will try and use any aspect of their lives to justify their behavior.

  At the end of the day, it comes back to what we discussed at the very start of this book. Bad Guys are the ones who are harming you. Having explored your own life and found areas where you could show yourself a little more love, you have probably discovered some people who are enormous time and energy sinks. Maybe they are very demanding. Or very inconsiderate. Maybe we value them ridiculously highly for no reasonable motive. Some of them might accept it with good grace when we say, “I'm sorry I can't help. I need to take care of myself.” But others will get angry.

  When it comes to people who are eating up all our time, the answer is simple. Either they step back and let us look after ourselves, or they are a Bad Guy. No matter what excuses they (or you!) conjure up, they are bad for you, and they need to be gone.

  Exercise:

  To find the Bad Guys, you will need to use all the tools in this book. You will need to not only look out for the obvious signs, but also for subtle clues that someone is trying to use you. And it is important to start with the people you already know!

  Look at the people who are using up most of your time, energy, and money on a day to day basis. Ask yourself whether they need so much from you. Ask them whether they need so much from you. If you feel they are taking advantage of you, and they feel they are being reasonable, you might need to consider cutting ties with them, for your own well-being. You cannot reach a balanced agreement with someone whose perspective is so focused on taking advantage of you.

  Exercise:

  Cutting ties with Bad Guys is not easy. Just because they are bad does not mean we do not feel guilt upon leaving them behind. We will remember good times with them. We will feel good things for them. We will want to make sure that they are well and happy. And sometimes this cannot be.

  Sometimes people will get angry or sad when we cut ties with them. They might threaten you, other people, or themselves to try and get you back. The more important you were to them, emotionally or as a source of money and labor, the more of a fight they will put up. You need to make sure that you are safe, and they are safe. Contact relevant services if you are scared they will hurt themselves or others. Get a restraining order if they have been criminally abusive.

  And finally, do not give in and go back. If you have put all the time and energy and thought into ending this relationship, it was for a reason. They will try and bait you back. You may see things through rose-tinted glasses after creating distance. Don’t be fooled. The reality is that the relationship hurt you, and now it is not. You need to stay strong and look after yourself and your loved ones first and foremost.

  CONCLUSION

  To wrap up this important material, I feel it is important to note that it is not your fault if you have allowed Bad Guys into your life until now. You may have been hurt by them physically or emotionally, lost faith in humanity, been robbed, dismissed, and ostracized. This is not your fault.

  Where victims of abuse are concerned, there is a lot of victim blaming these days. The assumption is that if you have been abused by a Bad Guy, it is your fault for not vetting them better, or for not escaping when you could.

  It is rarely so simple.

  Bad Guys might not be the majority, but they are all around us. Chances are you know several Bad Guys quite well. They are our family, friends, and coworkers. And not only are they great at what they do, but often we genuinely care for them.

  It is easy for someone who has never been victimized to say, “You shouldn't have let it get so far.” They were not there. They didn't see how slowly it progresses, how much love you can have for a Bad Guy, how much you can begin to depend on them.

  So, once again, it is not your fault.

  From now on, you have the necessary tools to identify Bad Guys and protect yourself. Anyone who would want to exploit you, hurt you, or just be consistently inconsiderate of your needs is much easier to see now. And that means that your life going forward should be largely free of such people and the harm they can do.

  I wish you the best of luck in all your future relationships!

  One last thing before you go – Can I ask you a favor? I need your help! If you like this book, could you please share your experience on Amazon and write an honest review? It will be just one minute for you (I will be happy even with one sentence!), but a GREAT help for me and definitely good Karma . Since I’m not a well-established author and I don’t have powerful people and big publishing companies supporting me, I read every single review and jump around with joy like a little kid every time my readers comment on my books and give me their honest feedback! If I was able to inspire you in any way, please let me know! It will also help me get my books in front of more people looking for new ideas and useful knowledge.

  If you did not enjoy the book or had a problem with it, please don’t hesitate to contact me at contact@mindfulnessforsuccess.com and tell me how I can improve it to provide more value and more knowledge to my readers. I’m constantly working on my books to make them better and more helpful.

  Thank you and good luck! I believe in you and I wish you all the best on your new journey!

  Your friend,

  Ian

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