Hot Tea

by Sheila Horgan

  “Skipper was the younger shorter sister. I’m the older taller sister. Although Skipper and I do share a more streamlined body type than Barbie has. Still, Ken would never be interested in Skipper. That’s creepy.”

  “Maybe AJ was never Ken in the first place. Maybe Jessie is actually Ken and AJ is actually Allen. Maybe that’s what the A in AJ stands for. Ever think of that? And maybe you aren’t Skipper, maybe you’re Midge.”

  “What? What are you talking about? Who is Allen? Who’s Midge? Just when did you lose your mind?”

  Teagan laughed, but it didn’t throw her off her theory. She continued, “Allen Sherwood is a buddy of Ken’s. Midge is a friend of Barbie’s. Her best friend as a matter of fact. I’m pretty sure Midge has red hair, and blue eyes, just like you.” Her voice raised as she got more intense, “And, she was made with bendable legs and maybe even a twistable waist, although I’m not sure about that part, but if she was, she could probably put her foot behind her head, just like you.”

  I hissed, “Would you shut up? AJ’s in the other room, and your weirdness is going to make him think we’re both insane.”

  Almost jubilant, “Oh, and guess what, Midge and Allen got married, and had kids. I think they had a boy named Ryan and a girl named Rickie, no, Nikki, and another baby that they didn’t name and was a surprise when you opened the box.”

  “Teagan, are you aware that you know way too much about Barbie’s world.”

  “If people started comparing you to a doll at the age of 10, you would take a moment and learn a thing or two too. Swear not to tell Mom?”

  “Oh honey, if I’m gonna tell Mom something, it’s gonna be much better than your doll fetish.”

  “I don’t have a doll fetish. I did, however, do a report on Barbie in school. Got a solid A, thank-you-very-much.”

  “Was it a male teacher? Did you come in as Malibu Barbie and sit on his desk for show and tell?”

  She actually smacked me, which, to tell the truth, I can’t blame her for. That only increased the laughter, which was well out of hand.

  Calming, and trying to sound stern, Teagan continued, “Cara Siobhan O’Flynn, that was uncalled for. For your edification, it was a class for Sister Dymphna. I wore my uniform, and it was presented in written form. It was a study on Barbie Syndrome. I researched and wrote about the ramifications of giving your impressionable child a Barbie. At the time, some people had a problem with Barbie.”

  “And your conclusion?”

  “Well, I played with Barbie. You never had any interest at all. I love football and you wear all those take-me-now-nightgowns, so I’m thinking Barbie didn’t make a huge difference in our psyches. As insightful as I was, as a mere child, I drew very much that same conclusion then.”

  AJ materialized without a sound. How such a big guy can do that is kind of amazing, but not the only amazing thing about AJ. He said he was going out to do a shoot, would be back in about 4 hours, and asked if we had plans for the evening, or did we want to do the movie and pizza thing.

  Teagan begged off, using funeral arrangements as an excuse, but assured AJ that I was not needed and would be home. My major role in all things Bernie would come after the fact, sorting out her belongings and figuring out what to do with them. Of course, I’m going to help Mom with the food for the wake, but really, fixing food for a hundred people is not an uncommon undertaking for Mom and me, so I’m not worried about that at all.

  AJ said he’d provide the movie and pizza, and I could provide the drinks and snacks.

  AJ took off in one direction, Teagan in another, and I tried to decide if I was thrilled or terrified. Getting involved with your male roommate, when you aren’t even supposed to really have one, might not be the best plan in the world. Yikes. Mom would know instantly.

  When I was in high school, and all my girlfriends were either experimenting with just how far they were willing to go, or having sex with their boyfriends, I didn’t do any of it. Why? Because my mom would know. Then she would tell my Dad. Then they would talk to me.

  After I finally did have sex, I stayed away from their house for two weeks. I was thinking that maybe the signs would wear off.

  Sure, you can laugh, but my mom is weird. She knows things. Once, my girlfriend Julie was staying at our house for a week while her parents were off on some adventure. Julie met her boyfriend at the park. They kind of disappeared behind the bushes at the archery range. Mom was there within minutes, calling for us from the sidewalk. Julie just had time to run back over and sit by me before my mom got there. There is no way Mom could have seen her, because there were bales of hay between Mom and us. On the way home, Mom told Julie that she didn’t appreciate her slinking off to the bushes with some guy while she was staying at our house, and not to make her come down to the park to straighten her out again. We didn’t leave the house for the rest of the week, and Julie never stayed again. I’m just sayin’.

  On a brighter note, if you’re going to have a problem, trying to decide if you should molest a painfully good looking man, who seems willing, ready, and more than able, is a good problem to have.

  Unfortunately AJ called before I had to make that decision. He was stuck at his photo shoot. He took a rain check on the pizza and movie. I was bummed but tried to talk myself into believing it was a God thing.

  God runs interference for me whenever I haven’t really decided what I’m comfortable with.

  Mom has told us all of our lives, to be very careful what we wish for, because you might just get it.

  Finally, after a particularly traumatic incident when I was a freshman in high school, I called her on it. I said something; I have no idea what it was.

  Mom came right back with “Be careful what you wish for.”

  I had just enough frustration churning around inside of me that I snapped back “You always say that! I’ve never, not one time, seen it happen.”

  She said “That’s simply because you choose not to see, not because it isn’t there to be seen. You heard Mrs. Schwimmer say just last week how much she’d like to have a brand new car. She drives down to the grocery store, just as she has every week for years, but this week, out of no where, some hooligan plows right into the back of her car. A total loss. She asked for a new car, and I say she is out there looking to find one right now.”

  “Coincidence.”

  “There’s no such thing child. Follow it back. If you follow it to the beginnings, you’ll always find the wish. That is why it is wise to be careful what you wish for.”

  FIFTEEN

  The funeral was uneventful. Bernie was laid to rest with only one surprise. At least it was a surprise to me. All my life, I’d assumed Bernie was short for Bernadette. Wrong. Bernie was actually a nickname. ‘Bernie’ was a shortened version of Hibernian. Hibernian is the Latin word for Ireland. It stands for anything relating to Ireland or of all things Irish. There is little in this life more Irish than Bernie, so it was a very fitting nickname.

  Anyway, Billy did a great job with the service and doing her eulogy. You could really tell that he loved her and that they’d spent untold hours together talking about the old country. Interesting since Billy isn’t Irish, but Bernie’s passion for Ireland was contagious and those that weren’t lucky enough to be born Irish, certainly wished they had been, when Bernie was done with them.

  I lied.

  There was one other surprise. AJ. He showed up and sat in the very back. He didn’t go to the cemetery or the wake, but he did make a respectful appearance, wearing an expensively cut navy suit with a beautiful green tie. I wonder if that was his nod to Ireland.

  In any case, I was both surprised and very touched. I might have even swooned if my mind hadn’t immediately jumped to how in the name of all that is Holy I was going to explain him to my mother. Liam, bless his skinny little butt, took care of that for me. Unfortunately he didn’t have the decency to let me know, so I came close to stepping in it when my mother brought up the subject. I almost stepped in it kn
ee deep, I might add. I try to avoid things like that, and a little information now and then, from my overly involved brothers and sisters, just a head’s up, would help. A lot.

  I was in the kitchen at the house when Mom walked up and said something on the order of, "Wasn’t it lovely to see so many young people at the service? I thought that very few would show at all. Love, imagine my surprise when I saw that beautiful young man at the back, looking right through the back of your skull, willing you to turn and see him.”

  I’m proud to point out that I didn’t drop the potatoes I was draining. It’s unfair of a mother, especially an Irish mother, who knows what it’s like to heft ten pounds of potatoes, plus boiling water, to the sink, in a pot large enough to rightly be referred to as a cauldron.

  Of course, while you’re draining the stupid things, the steam goes everywhere and completely ruins your hairstyle if you aren’t careful, not to mention the whole scalding thing, which almost never happens, but it could happen, and how would she feel? Isn’t that what Catholic guilt is all about? You would think every once in a while the whole guilt thing would work in my direction instead of Mom’s. I’m still waiting for that to happen.

  When the steam cleared, I managed, “Beautiful guy?”

  “Yes, Liam tells me his name is AJ, and that he was with you.”

  “Oh? Liam seems to be full of all the latest gossip, but unfortunately, he’s been known to get his facts wrong. What else did he tell you?”

  “Just that he is a computer specialist and that he is helping you set up the website for your new business adventure. Did you see the suit on that boy? Must have cost a small fortune. He must charge a pretty penny for his services.”

  Mom gave me the mother look, coaxing my mouth to betray my brain. When I didn’t say anything, she continued, “I must say Love, hiring someone of that caliber must have been quite dear. Are you sure you want to be spending that kind of money when you aren’t sure what it is you’ll end up with at the end of this project?”

  I thought about saying he wasn’t charging me, he was a friend, but then I’d have to explain the relationship. I thought about saying that I wasn’t paying him, we were doing a barter thing and trading talents, but then Mom would ask just what talent I was trading, and since I didn’t have clarification on that one yet myself, I decided to go with something more benign. “I’ve got it under control Mom. No need to worry. Once I get these potatoes mashed, what would you like me to do?”

  “I’ll just go walk along the tables and see what we need to refill. I can’t believe the number of people that have come today. I couldn’t be more pleased. It’s true what they say. You reap what you sew. Bernie was a very generous soul, and she’ll be well remembered.”

  “Well Mom, if the number of people that come to your wake is a sign of how generous you were on earth, we’d better start planning for you and Daddy now. We’ll be overrun.”

  “Thank you Love, but I’m hoping not to find out about that any time soon.” With that, she walked off to inspect the foods she had spread from one end of the house to the other.

  I took my first real breath since the whole subject of AJ had come up.

  Running the whole thing through my wee little head again, I did a mental head slap. Real cool Cara. Mention her own demise to the most superstitious person you know. Mom.

  By the time we were done serving the food, and accepting condolences, and wrapping up what little leftovers there were, I was exhausted. Between quitting my job, trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, then the whole thing with AJ and my mini war with Teagan. Then losing Bernie and all the effort it was to do right by her, I was pooped.

  I decided I was about ready for hibernation.

  Mom just looked sad. Watching her suffer was the most exhausting part of everything.

  The immediate family stayed for one last cup of tea, then Mom shooed us out and invited us to come back for food the next day, if we were so inclined. That’s how an Irish mother frames a command performance. We’d all be there. Guaranteed.

  Walking out to the car, I asked Teagan why Jessie hadn’t shown up. She looked at me as if I had two heads.

  “He was there Cara. He was sitting two rows back from you. He was wearing black linen slacks and a black guayaberas shirt.”

  “A who, what?”

  “A guayaberas shirt. Mexican wedding shirt? You know the shirts everyone in Miami wears.”

  “Oh, sorry. Let me think.” I tried to do a mental scan of the church. “Oh my God. That guy that was sitting right behind Mrs. Tolliver?”

  “Yep.”

  “Damn Teagan, Jessie grew up really good.”

  “You have no idea.”

  We laughed, walking toward the end of the block where we’d parked early in the day.

  I shook my head, “I can’t believe that was Jessie. I didn’t even recognize him. He’s really filled out. His legs used to be as big around as my arm. Now he’s all muscles and dark wavy hair. He sure grew into himself. He’s gorgeous. Did Mom see him?”

  “She not only saw him, she came up and gave him a hug, said it was great to see him again, and hoped that she would see him at dinner some time soon.”

  I whispered, “Oh shit!”

  “That’s what I thought. I’m thinkin’ that maybe Mom knew that Jessie was not quite as light on his feet as I’d hoped she’d believed.”

  I said in a conspiratorial voice, just in case there were neighbors listening that could report back, “She saw AJ at the service. She said Liam told her he was helping me to build a website, which, technically, is true. Wonder how much of her psychic abilities have kicked in on that one.”

  Teagan stopped and turned toward me, she even grabbed my arm to make sure I understood the gravity of what she was about to say, “You know Cara, I’m not even sure that Mom is psychic at all. If she knew all that we did when we were younger, she’d have killed us for sure. I think a lot of that was just BS to scare the shit out of us when we were little kids, or more importantly, when we were teens, and God knows, to this very day.”

  Teagan’s cell phone rang just as she finished her proclamation. She looked at the caller ID and mouthed, ‘Mom.’

  I only heard her side of the conversation.

  “Okay.” She looked at me with huge eyes. “Okay.” Her eyes got even bigger. “I will. Love you too. Good night Mom.”

  She turned to me and said, “That was Mom.”

  “Yeah, I got that.”

  Teagan looked a little faint. She said, “Mom said not to knock what we don’t understand. She then said that she’d like to talk to both of us. To make a time when we are both available.”

  “Oh shit, that’s not good!”

  Teagan trotted toward her car, “I’m out of here before she levitates her butt down the street and goes all voodoo on us.”

  With that we jumped in our respective vehicles, and tried not to speed away.

  When I walked into the apartment, it smelled of something lovely and citrus-y. I love the smell of lemon. If a man wants to have his way with me, he can dab a little Mr. Clean behind each ear, and I’m all his. I was smiling to myself, when who should appear, but Mr. AJ himself. He was barefoot, wearing jeans and a forest green t-shirt. He appeared to be fresh out of the shower.

  On the one hand, I love the fact that he is as shower obsessed as I am. It’s not at all uncommon for me to take multiple showers in a day. Florida can make you wilt. I’ve never understood Florida as a honeymoon destination, you’d have to spend all your time indoors, if you walk out of your room in the middle of June, you’re liable to faint. Duh. I’m an idiot! Who would need an excuse not to leave the room on their honeymoon?