Still the One

by Debra Cowan

  He’d wanted to kiss her. With the same mind-burning intensity he’d always associated with wanting to fly. And she’d pulled away. Damn it.

  Even now, hours later, her soft floral scent taunted him. Rafe could still feel her lush breasts pressing against him and the itch in his palms to touch them, peel those clothes off and do more than kiss her.

  He hadn’t been the one to call it quits ten years ago. She had always been the one to pull away, and she still was.

  What reason did Kit have to pull away from him? He was the one who should’ve put at least the width of a shooting stall between them.

  Feeling the tension in her shoulders, knowing she was more than distracted by waiting for Liz, he hadn’t been able to stop wanting to reassure her, wanting to reach for her. So he had.

  Stupid. Stupid.

  He slid out of bed, went to stand in front of the window. Moonlight showered down on the patio. A fickle breeze played with the shrubbery and potted plants ringing the pool.

  When she’d turned to him after that false-alarm phone call, sheer surprise had held him immobile for a half second. She seemed so damn self-sufficient, always had. But the feel of her in his arms had caused something inside his chest to shift. She was where she belonged, and it had been natural to draw her close.

  She was concerned about Liz.

  He wanted to wring her sister’s neck.

  He didn’t see how things had changed much. He still wanted Kit, wanted her in his bed, but after that, then what?

  They could become lovers again. After today, he knew she wouldn’t take much persuading, but she’d cut his knees out from under him the first time. He couldn’t survive that again.

  He wasn’t going to, period. His body had throbbed for her at the shooting range. It had been all he could do to hold her while he battled the urge to press her against that flimsy wall and strip her clothes off, push into her with all the fury and lust pounding through his body.

  But there had been more than lust. A hollowness he felt deep inside, a hollowness only Kit could fill. And he knew that because he’d tried over the years to fill it with other women.

  He’d wanted her, yes, but he also needed her. He’d only ever needed Kit. Rafe slapped a palm against the wall and pushed away, disgusted.

  Need? What he needed was to keep a clear head and get a grip on his raging hormones. Employ some of the discipline he’d learned in the Air Force, for crying out loud. For once, he found himself wishing Dizzy Lizzy would interrupt them. Pathetic.

  One phone call from Liz would start a trail. Once they found her, Kit could get the hell out of his life. That was what he needed.

  It hadn’t been only the last few days of uncertainty over Liz that had kept Kit up all night. It had been the undeniable presence of the man down the hall, the masculine musk she’d smelled moments ago in the bathroom while she’d showered.

  As she walked into the living room the next morning, she caught a flash of Rafe’s bare brown shoulder through the doorway leading to the kitchen. He moved out of her line of vision to the refrigerator.

  The aroma of fresh coffee and spicy sausage wafted out to her. She paused in the doorway of the airy, clean-lined kitchen, watching him for a moment. He was always so alert, so intense; it was nice to observe him in a relaxed state.

  “Yeah, the name’s Alexander. First or last name,” Rafe said into the phone snagged between his ear and his collarbone. Standing over a skillet, he forked several patties of sizzling sausage to their other side. “I’m looking for someone who’s been here for at least the last two years or had ties here, someone who could’ve visited my missing person in prison.”

  He was talking to his uncle, she guessed. Barefoot, wearing only worn, snug jeans slung low on narrow hips, Rafe was enough to make a long breath ease out of her. He was gorgeous. All over. Always had been. Her gaze skated up long runner’s legs to the tight butt and over the fluid flex of muscle in his back and shoulders.

  She missed his longer hair, but the shorter cut emphasized the strength in his neck, the noble planes of his jaw. Her mouth went dry, and she shifted, drawing his gaze over his shoulder.

  He held up a finger, indicating he’d be finished in a minute, and she nodded, moving into the living room.

  “Okay, let me know what you find. You’ve got my cell phone number, right?”

  Rafe’s voice faded as she skirted the navy leather sofa, edged around the walnut end table, which held a cordless phone and a lamp with a black wrought-iron base. Her feet sank into plush gray carpet, complementing the pale gray walls and clean white woodwork.

  She trailed a hand along the sofa’s supple back as she slid her cell phone from her pocket and punched in her father’s cell phone number. He’d left the day before Liz’s disappearance to attend a pharmaceutical sales conference.

  She could still feel Rafe’s arms around her, and a little ache of want still coiled deep in her belly. Insistent, relentless. The comfort he’d given her at the shooting range had haunted her all night, spinning wishes for things she’d walked away from, making her want. Him. A different life.

  As the phone rang on the other end, Kit swallowed against a ragged ache in her throat and walked to the patio doors. Rafe had removed the pool’s tarp and begun filling the pool with water. Patterned mosaic tiles, a single border around the top of the pool, sparkled green and blue in the early morning sunlight. Rising water glimmered.

  Harv Foley answered the phone.

  “Dad?”

  “Kit! Have you found Liz?”

  “No, not yet.”

  “Any word?”

  “No.” She hated dashing the hope in his voice.

  “She’ll call you, honey. I’m sure she’s fine.”

  Kit wanted him to believe that because she was no longer sure she did. She didn’t want to worry her father by telling him about the bug Rafe had found in her house or the tracking device planted on his car or the unidentified man who’d shown up at his office yesterday.

  “I’m coming down there. I can leave my conference.”

  “No,” Kit said firmly. “There’s no need.”

  “I think we should hire someone.”

  “I did.” Her gaze skipped to the hot tub, her mind flashing an image of Rafe rising out of the water like a nude, ancient warrior. “Daddy, it’s Rafe.”

  Silence. “Rafe Blackstock?”

  She hesitated. “Yes.”

  “I thought he went off to fly jets.”

  She explained he’d left the Air Force and moved back to Oklahoma to be near his parents.

  “And he’s now a private investigator?”

  “Yes.”

  “Hmm.” Pleasure warmed her father’s voice. Though he’d supported her, he’d never agreed with her decision to end her engagement. “Are you doing all right? Are things going okay with him, the two of you?”

  “Yes.” She smiled. At least as fine as she could be, anyway.

  “Shouldn’t he know something about Liz by now?”

  “It’s going to take a little while, Dad. Especially since I have no idea where Liz and Tony might’ve gone.” She filled him in on all the steps Rafe had taken, from putting Liz’s photo on the Internet to calling the FBI for any information or leads on Alexander.

  “Sounds like Rafe knows what he’s doing,” her father said.

  “He does. And there’s really no need for you to come.”

  “You think I’d be in the way?”

  “No, but there’s no telling how long this will take. I’m able to take some personal leave. You’re not. Besides, by the time you get here, we may have heard from her.”

  “I’ve sent you some money. You can put it toward his fee.”

  “No, Dad—”

  “Too late, hon. It’s already in the mail. I want to help. Liz is my family, too.”

  “I know, but I think I’ve got it under control.”

  “I never had any doubt.”

  She smiled.

  “A
ll right, I’ll stay, but you call me the second you hear anything about your sister.”

  “Yes, I will.”

  “And Kit?”

  “Yes.”

  “This is not your fault.”

  “I know, but—”

  “No buts.”

  “Okay.” She smiled, wishing she’d already found Liz in some tropical bar somewhere, not running from a guy who could be connected to the mob. She hated for her dad to worry. “Maybe I’ll hear from her today.”

  “Please call me, Kit. For any reason.”

  “I will. Love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  She disconnected, staring blankly out the glass door. A dull throbbing built in her head. It wasn’t enough that she was fighting these swirling, unwanted emotions about Rafe, but this worry over Liz chewed at her insides like acid.

  Kit rubbed at the sudden sting in her eyes. Where was her sister, anyway? If she could know Liz was all right. If she had an inkling that she and Rafe might find her soon. Or hear from her.

  Kit wasn’t sure how long she could stay with Rafe without doing something stupid, something…physical. Smart had been nowhere around ever since she’d hooked up with him again, especially yesterday.

  “Breakfast is ready.” His voice was tight.

  She turned and found him watching her from the kitchen doorway. His jaw was rigid, his eyes sharp as lasers.

  “Come eat.”

  With a frown at his commanding tone, she passed the sofa and laid her cell phone on the end table.

  Balancing two cups of coffee and a small glass of orange juice in his hands, he walked to the table while she sat down. She forced her gaze from the ripple of muscles across his bare belly to the plate in front of her, heaped with eggs and sausage. Two slices of wheat toast sat on a saucer next to her plate, complete with a small jar of blackberry preserves. Her favorite.

  The ache inside her drilled a little deeper at the fact that he’d remembered, at the sudden way he’d closed himself off from her. “This looks great. I’m starved.”

  He slid into his chair and stabbed a bite of eggs. “You should’ve let him come.”

  She looked up in surprise. This was about her father? “I didn’t want to worry him. I’ve got everything under control.”

  He muttered something under his breath. “That won’t stop him from worrying. Liz is his daughter.”

  She frowned at the sharpness in his voice. “Why are you getting all worked up?”

  “Because maybe he needed to do something, to feel as if he were helping.”

  “But there’s no need. I—”

  “You wouldn’t let him help, just like you never let me help.”

  She dropped her fork. “What are you talking about? You’re helping me right now.”

  “That’s not what I mean. Why do you have to solve every crisis, Kit? Take responsibility for everything in the family?”

  “Because I’m…supposed to.”

  “No, you’re not,” he said pointedly. “Liz, and only Liz, is responsible for her actions. Your dad sees that. Why can’t you?”

  “Just because you’re helping me find her doesn’t mean my family is any of your business.”

  “The hell it doesn’t! Isn’t this why you really walked away from me? Because you can’t let go? Because you can’t let anyone help you?”

  Anger and hurt exploded inside her. “No, I walked away because of your ‘I’m in charge’ attitude, because you made decisions without even consulting me. Just like our engagement. You assumed I’d marry you, pick up and leave my family. You never even asked me.”

  “At the time, I thought you loved me. I thought you wanted to be with me, no matter where.”

  “I wanted to be asked.”

  He dragged a hand down his face. “I know. That was stupid and wrong of me. I thought if I could just get you to go with me, sweep you off your feet….” He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter now.”

  “It does matter. You thought if I left with you that I’d stop caring for my family.”

  “Of course not,” he snapped. “But I did think that maybe Liz would start running her own life.”

  “She needed me.”

  “So did I.”

  “You did not!”

  His gaze shot to hers. She saw pain and a vulnerability in the dark depths before they went opaque.

  She sobered, picked up her fork, put it down. “I never felt that you needed me.”

  “I did. But I couldn’t give you what you needed.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “Why were you always pushing me away?”

  “I…wasn’t.” Had she done that?

  “Then why didn’t we work out?” His gaze met hers. There was no rancor in his voice, just an earnestness that made her chest hurt.

  “Because you wanted to make all the decisions without me.”

  “I wanted to help you. Yes, I made a mistake by trying to control things so that you had no responsibilities, but that’s because you already had too many.”

  Flustered by the idea of something she’d never considered, she stammered, “I was perfectly capable of making my own decisions.”

  “I wasn’t trying to make your decisions. I was just trying to make things easier on you.”

  “You thought I’d just go away with you, leave my family.”

  “But not because I wanted you to abandon them.”

  She saw a loneliness, a reserve in his eyes she’d never seen, and the truth of what he’d said hit her with enough force to stall the breath in her lungs. She had always pushed him away. She hadn’t ever recognized that he might need her because it wasn’t the consuming kind of need her sister had for her.

  The regret in his eyes tore at her. She speared a piece of sausage, chewed. “Why didn’t you explain this to me then?”

  “It wouldn’t have mattered,” he said tiredly. “You saw things the way you had to see them. I think you just couldn’t stand to give up some of that responsibility.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Because if you did, you’d have to give up the guilt you feel over your mom’s death.”

  She bit down hard on a piece of toast. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “And if you did give it up, who’d take care of Liz? Who’d be there to mother her? Your mom’s death wasn’t your fault, Kit.”

  Hurt stabbed deep. “I’m not going to talk about this with you.”

  “You’re right. Things didn’t work out between us. Let’s just leave it at that.”

  “So here we are.”

  “Right. Here we are.”

  Their eyes met.

  The uncertainty she felt was mirrored in his dark gaze. The moment stretched between them, then he turned his attention to his plate; she did the same.

  With a tightness in her chest, Kit realized how much she’d hurt Rafe ten years ago. She’d leaned on him so many times for comfort, then felt strong enough to handle things on her own. He’d seen that as rejection. She’d never meant it that way, but it didn’t change the fact that he felt it. She’d seen the bleak truth in his eyes.

  And he couldn’t know that her dad had been pushing her for years to make Liz stand on her own. He’d finally quit, Kit realized, two years ago when they’d both thought Liz was really going to straighten up. What would life be like if Kit had to take care of only herself?

  She had wondered about it before, gotten a little taste of freedom for the last two years, and she liked it, but at the first sign that Liz was in trouble, she’d jumped right back in with both feet. The possibility of living only for herself opened up a window for Kit she hadn’t let herself look into until now. A window with Rafe.

  He finished his breakfast and rose, then took his dishes to the sink and rinsed them off. When she moved beside him, he opened the dishwasher, sliding the dishes inside while she wiped the table. The tautness in his shoulders, the wariness she picked up from him pricked at her.
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  We just didn’t work out. Had he really closed the door to their past? Hadn’t he ever wondered, just once since she’d asked for his help, if things were really over between them?

  He closed the dishwasher. “Let’s go out to my folks’.”

  Kit’s eyes widened. “I’m sure I’m the last person they want to see.”

  “They probably aren’t even there. They’ve been camping at Grand Lake.”

  And what if Dale and Willa Blackstock were home? Unease curled through her. She hadn’t seen or talked to Rafe’s parents since her and Rafe’s broken engagement. “What about Liz?”

  “We’ve both got cell phones. Uncle Wayne knows to call mine if he finds anything in the FBI database about Alexander. I also gave that number to Tony’s parole officer and everyone else we’ve talked to.”

  “True,” she murmured. Of course, being cooped up inside this house with Rafe, trying to ignore the want humming through her body, would be more agonizing than risking a meeting with his parents. Fresh air and open space might help restore her equilibrium.

  “We’ll ride horses or walk or fish, whatever you want. Let’s just get out of here. This waiting is getting to both of us. If it weren’t for that visit from Mr. Mysterious yesterday, I’d even let you have a little time to yourself.”

  “All right.”

  “Good. Once we get back from there, we can swing by and check on Tony’s former cell mate. He’s due in from the harvest today.”

  “Okay.” The admission he’d made a few minutes ago about trying to shield her from more responsibility had ignited a realization that slowly grew inside her. He was quickly becoming the same steady presence in her life he’d been when they were lovers.

  Her pulse skipped at the thought of all the times she’d made love with Rafe. They’d never had trouble with the physical part. It would be easy to give in to the attraction still very much alive between them. Just the thought of being with him again quickened her pulse.

  He understood her; he always had, except she hadn’t seen it. What about now? Was there any hope they might have another chance?