Writing Deep Point of View
Page 4
Mary’s chest tightened, her throat scratched with thirst.
BOREDOM
Mary swallowed a yawn.
CONFUSION
Mary’s stomach fluttered and her mind whirled.
Heat rose to Mary’s tightening chest.
Sweat trickled down Mary’s spine.
CONTEMPT
Heat roiled in Mary’s guts.
Mary’s neck stiffened and her chest grew tight.
Mary spat to clear her clogged throat.
DEJECTION, DEFEAT
Mary’s heart thudded dully in her chest.
The lasagne tasted sour.
A lump formed in Mary’s throat.
Mary’s legs dragged, twice as heavy as normal.
DESPAIR
Pain clamped a tight band around Mary’s chest.
Mary’s heartbeat refused to slow.
Mary’s throat remained dry.
DISAPPOINTMENT
Mary’s heart shrank.
Mary’s chest tightened and her stomach clenched.
DISBELIEF
Mary’s chest tingled.
Mary gasped.
Mary’s stomach hardened.
DREAD
Dread shivered up Mary’s spine.
Chills crept through Mary’s body.
The back of Mary’s throat ached, and she struggled to swallow.
EAGERNESS
Mary’s stomach fluttered and her heart raced.
Mary’s chest expanded and filled with eagerness.
EMBARRASSMENT
Tingling heat swept across Mary’s face.
Mary’s ears heated.
Mary’ swallowed and tried to ignore the heat spreading across her face.
EXCITEMENT
Mary’s pulse sped.
Excitement surged through Mary’s veins.
Mary’s legs walked faster of their own accord.
FEAR
Fear compressed Mary’s chest.
The skin on Mary’s arms pimpled, and her throat went dry.
Terror welled up in a sickening wave.
Mary’s heart pounded.
The sound iced Mary’s blood.
A ball of fear formed in Mary’s stomach.
FRUSTRATION
Mary’s throat closed.
Mary’s jaw ached.
Pain hammered at the base of Mary’s skull.
GRATITUDE
Mary’s chest expanded.
Mary’s heart filled.
Warmth tingled through Mary’s limbs.
GUILT
Guilt gnawed at Mary’s soul.
Pain thickened in Mary’s throat.
HAPPINESS, ELATION
Mary’s heart drummed a fast dance.
Warmth spread through Mary’s limbs.
Mary’s heart bubbled with joy.
Mary’s skin tingled with pleasure and her limbs felt light.
HATRED
Mary’s heart pounded.
A pounding pain threatened to split Mary’s skull.
Mary clenched her teeth until her jaw hurt.
Mary grew hot.
HOPE
Mary’s belly fluttered like bird’s wings.
Mary’s heart grew light.
Mary’s mind floated, leaving the heavy burden of her worries behind.
Mary’s body jolted with hope.
IMPATIENCE
The muscles in Mary’s neck tightened into a series of knots.
Mary’s gaze kept wandering to the clock.
INNER CONFLICT
The weight of this choice sank into Mary’s stomach.
Mary’s head ached.
LOVE
Mary’s stomach fluttered, and her pulse raced.
Mary’s heart seeped with warmth.
REVULSION, DISGUST
Revulsion welled up in Mary’s throat.
Mary gagged.
Mary fought the urge to spit the bitter tang from her mouth.
Mary’s skin crawled.
RELIEF
The tension drained from Mary’s shoulders.
Mary’s muscles weakened, and her mind fluttered with relief.
UNHAPPINESS, DEPRESSION
Sadness smothered her like a heavy blanket.
The pain of loneliness ripped at her belly like a knife.
Sadness slid all over her like a sticky liquid.
A hollowness spread in her chest.
WORRY
Worry tied Mary’s guts into a tight knot.
Mary’s mind crumbled into darkness.
Mary’s skin prickled.
Mary’s throat constricted.
ASSIGNMENT
In a draft you’ve written, look for instances where you tell the reader what the PoV character feels. You may want to use your word processor’s Find & Replace function to highlight every ‘feel’ and ‘felt’ so you see the potential problems at a glance. Rewrite those telling phrases with visceral descriptions.
Whenever you experience an intense emotion—desire, jealousy, irritation, regret—observe the physical symptoms. Where in your body do you feel this, and how? Jot down a description. This way, you’ll build a bank of emotion descriptions which you can use for future works of fiction. In the case of negative emotions, the exercise also has a strong therapeutic effect.
Chapter 12
SIMILES FOR BACKSTORY
A simile is a comparison. The PoV character compares something new to something familiar.
BACKSTORY WITHOUT INFO-DUMP
This is a subtle but powerful way to share the character’s background and memories with the reader.
Let’s say Mary enters someone’s living room. She’s never been there before. If you compare something about this room with another room of Mary’s experience, the reader won’t just see the room she’s in, but the room she remembers.
The living room was the size of her mother’s boudoir.
The reader sees a small room—and subconsciously learns two things about Mary’s mother: she’s wealthy enough to have a boudoir, and she spends time caring for her appearance.
The living room was as cluttered as her husband’s garden shed.
The reader sees a cluttered room—and learns that Mary is married, that they have a garden, that the garden has a shed which is the husband’s personal domain, and that he has a clutter habit.
The curtains and cushions were deep red, like a priest’s vestments at Palm Sunday mass.
The reader sees the red furnishings—and knows that Mary is a Catholic who attends church regularly and is familiar with liturgy and ritual.
The curtains and cushions were black, like those in her brother’s bedroom when he went through his Goth phase.
The reader sees black furnishings—and learns not only that Mary has a brother, but gets an idea of the brother’s age.
This is a natural, subtle way of feeding the reader information the character already knows.
It avoids the dreaded ‘info-dump’ and doesn’t weigh the story down with heavy flashbacks.
You can use it to describe landscapes, people, sounds, smells and more.
Here are some examples describing people—their looks, smells and voices. Under each sentence, I’ll point out what the reader learns about the PoV character’s background.
The man reeked like a stray dog on a rainy day.
Mary is familiar with how wet dogs smell. She probably has dogs, or had dogs in the past.
The man smelled musty, like clothes that had been too long in the washing machine before drying.
Mary is experienced at doing laundry, and isn’t always efficient about it.
Her voice sounded li
ke a worn-out bagpipe.
Mary has heard a lot of bagpipes, including live, not just recordings.
Her voice sounded like a church organ warming up.
Mary goes—or used to go—to church, either occasionally or regularly.
He stuttered like a washing machine near the end of its cycle.
Mary has done a lot of washing with a washing machine.
She had a smooth, smoky voice, like a late-night radio presenter.
Mary listens to late-night radio, which suggests she is—or used to be—often up late at night, perhaps a shift worker or an insomniac.
He had a voice like a sergeant major on parade.
Mary has heard sergeant majors, including on parade, which suggests military experience.
HOW TO CONSTRUCT SIMILES
The easiest way to form a simile is with the word ‘like’.
… looks like…
…. sounds like….
… smells like ….
…tastes like …
…. moves like ….
... feels like…
… shaped like…
Another good one is using ‘as…as’:
…as tall as…
…as sour as…
… as small as…
… as pretty as…
… as dark as …
… as loud as…
You can also use ‘than’:
… taller than…
… more sour than…
… smaller than…
… prettier than…
… darker than …
… louder than…
To vary the rhythm, create a simile with ‘as if’.
For example:
The storm sounded as if someone was slapping wet sheets against the wall.
He looked as pale as if he had just risen from the dead.
WHAT NOT TO DO
In deep PoV, use similes which compare things to something from the character’s experience—not to something from your experience. That would make the simile clumsy and jolt the reader out of the PoV experience.
Avoid similes other people have already used. ‘Dull as ditchwater’ and ‘white as the fallen snow’ are so common, they would make your writing dull, predictable and clichéd. Invent your similes.
EXAMPLES FROM A MASTER
Noir author Raymond Chandler was a master at creating fresh similes.
The general spoke again, slowly, using his strength as carefully as an out-of-work showgirl uses her last pair of good stockings.
The PoV character is familiar with showgirls, including those down on their luck.
He looked like a bouncer who had come into money.
The PoV character is familiar with bouncers, and he has experienced how people change when they come into money.
The white carpet that went from wall to wall looked like fresh fall of snow at Lake Arrowhead.
This PoV character has been to Lake Arrowhead.
ASSIGNMENT
Look at a draft you’ve written, and find a spot where the PoV character experiences something new (perhaps a new place or a new person). Describe an aspect of this new experience by comparing it with something from the PoV’s previous experience.
Visualise the scene you’re going to write next. What could you describe with a simile from the PoV character’s experience?
Chapter 13
WHAT DOES THE POV CHARACTER LOOK LIKE?
When you’re writing a story in deep PoV, you can’t describe their appearance from an outsider’s perspective.
Mary was a slender girl of athletic build, with an untidy mane of auburn hair, green eyes, a pale complexion and a scattering of freckles on her nose and cheeks.
This kind of description works in other forms of writing, but not in Deep PoV. Any description of what Mary looks like would kick the reader out of Mary’s mind.
New writers often struggle with this. “But the reader needs to know what Mary looks like!” they wail. “I must describe her.”
Actually, you don’t have to. Most readers aren’t particularly interested in Mary’s appearance. They care about what Mary feels and does, not what she looks like. Whether Mary’s eyes are green or blue, whether she has freckles on her cheeks or only on her nose, doesn’t matter for the story.
Simply leave out the description, and tell the story from Mary’s perspective. Describe the looks of the people she meets, but not Mary herself. The few readers who want to see Mary’s looks will fill in the details from their imagination.
Some stories, however, need clues about the PoV character’s body shape and looks. If the story is about Mary’s resolve to become a photo model despite not having the minimum height the modelling agencies require, then the reader obviously needs to know how tall Mary is. In this type of story Mary’s freckles and auburn hair also play a role.
If your historical novel begins with how Mary can’t find a husband because she’s so ugly, then the reader needs to know what kind of ‘ugly’. Is her face disfigured by a huge birthmark or by smallpox scars? Does she have a big pointy nose or crooked teeth?
If the PoV character’s looks play a role in the plot, establish them as early as possible, but give only those details the reader needs to know. Do this without ‘telling’ the reader what she looks like. Instead, weave the details subtly into the story.
SUBTLE TECHNIQUES
Here are some tricks how you can give the reader a clue about the PoV character’s appearance.
1. Involve the character’s looks in the action.
For example, if Mary is unusually tall or short, you could write:
Mary ducked through the door.
Mary reached up to flick on the light.
This will plant a perception in the reader’s mind. Although it’s theoretically possible that this particular door is low, or that this light switch is high up, the reader’s natural assumption is that they’re normal, and Mary acts like this because of her height.
The most discreet way to present a clue is to incorporate it in a list of actions:
Mary pulled on her coat, tied her long mane into a ponytail, grabbed her bag and raced down the stairs.
2. Let the PoV character gaze into the mirror.
When Mary looks into the mirror, she obviously sees herself, which means the reader can see her without leaving her mind. Give her a reason to look into the mirror—perhaps she’s applying make-up or styling her hair. A male character may shave.
A word of warning about this technique: The mirror is such a convenient device that it’s been overused, especially in Romance fiction, so use it sparingly. Don’t jump to mirror alternatives such as shop windows, water surfaces and polished tables, because those tend to feel contrived.
3. The PoV character chooses clothes, make-up or accessories to suit her looks.
Perhaps Mary decides which of her gowns to wear for the ball, or maybe she’s in a fashion shop choosing a t-shirt.
Mary chose the emerald brocade gown that matched her eyes.
Mary tossed top after top on the reject pile. They all made her look like a fat frump. At last, she found one that was almost slimming: a black bodice with lace sleeves.
This technique works better for females than for males—although of course it depends on the individual character.
4. Let other people react to the appearance.
When other people see Mary, they may react in some way. If possible, show their responses through facial expressions, tone of voice or posture shifts.
The sailors stared as if they had never seen a woman with violet hair before.
When Mary pulled off her veil, John’s face fell and he paled.
5. Let another character comment on the PoV’s appearance.
“What are those big ears of yours good for if you can’t even listen?” her father grumbled.
“I wish my hair was as long as yours,” Suzie said.
“Wear the hoop earrings,” Suzie suggested. “With your long dark hair, you’ll look like a gypsy.”
“Are you eating properly?” her mother asked. “You’re getting thinner every day.”
6. Let the character mentally compare her own appearance with someone else’s.
She knew she looked like a younger version of her aunt—the same emerald eyes, the same unruly auburn hair—but she hoped she would never develop the older woman’s arrogance.
Mary watched her younger sister and wished she had the same petite figure and slender waist.
All three were tall and slim, so they could swap clothes.
7. Give the character a reason to think about her appearance.
This feels natural in deep PoV. Indeed, it can come across stilted or clunky in other forms of writing, but in deep PoV it feels just right. However, make sure the character doesn’t dwell on her appearance all the time, unless she’s obsessed with her looks.
When Mary passed a bunch of handsome youths, she grew acutely aware of her dishevelled appearance. If only she had taken the time to brush out her long auburn mane! Why didn’t she wear the smart brocade jacket that flattered her pale complexion and brought out the green in her eyes?
ASSIGNMENT
Consider the story you’re currently plotting, writing or revising. What does the reader need to know about the PoV character’s appearance? Find a way to mention these details discreetly on the first page. (If there’s nothing the reader needs to know, don’t mention anything.)
Chapter 14
BODY LANGUAGE
If you’re used to writing fiction in omniscient (god-like, all-seeing) or shallow PoV, you may have to unlearn some habits.
SHOW ONLY WHAT THE POV SEES, HEARS, FEELS
Show the PoV character’s body language only if she can see or feel it. Let’s say Mary feels embarrassed, and she blushes.
Mary’s cheeks reddened.
This would jolt the reader out of the PoV, because Mary can’t see her own face go red.
Mary’s cheeks heated.
This sentence stays in Mary’s experience, because she can feel her face grow hot.
Avoid any kind of body language the PoV character can’t see, hear or feel, such as these: