by Brigid Coady
‘No.’ Annie hadn’t realized that she had said it until Immy’s head snapped round so fast it looked like she could’ve snapped her neck.
‘No?’
Oh to have that fine training to manage to imbue that simple word with such a depth of incredulousness, of threats.
‘No.’ Annie could feel her voice growing stronger. She might not be trained but she could stand strong. She had stood up to Les and Eric; she had managed to get Immy and Dad to actually start taking charge of their lives. Now she had to follow through. She needed to make sure that she finished this off for good.
There was a line and she needed to make sure that they knew this is where it ended. Even if it left her alone. They wouldn’t be in the same house. They wouldn’t be in the same city. Hell, the same country even.
‘Annie, think very carefully about what you are doing.’ Immy’s words hit Annie like needles, each word precise and sharp.
‘I have been thinking very hard, Immy.’ Annie took a deep breath and in that moment it didn’t matter where they were or how many people overheard. She needed to do this. For her. And maybe those people would keep her strong if she faltered.
‘I’m going to LA, I’m taking this job but I think it is best that you and Dad stay here.’
‘You selfish little …’
‘I don’t think you should finish what you are about to say …’ Annie almost looked round to find out who had said that. Who her knight in shining armour was – the one who was standing up for her. But as she looked round she could see everyone looking wide-eyed at her.
She’d said it. She was her own saviour.
Anne Elliot had calmly told her sister to stop.
Annie waited a beat, as time stretched out, waiting for the crash of guilt to hit her. The burning need to build a bridge and make sure that Immy was okay.
It wasn’t there.
Instead there was peace, a certain lightness around her shoulders.
‘But?’
Annie didn’t wait to hear what Immy had to say. She got up and started to walk out of the catering tent. It wasn’t as if the crew burst into spontaneous applause; that happened in movies – not on TV show sets. However, she could see the grins on faces of people nearest their table who’d heard it all.
There was a wink from Neil the lighting guy, a distant high five from Sasha of the make-up department, plus a fist pump from Caroline from wardrobe.
There was a whispered cheer from Harry, which made her laugh. He mimed recording it all and she wondered whether he’d sent it to Lewis yet.
And standing near the door of the tent, with a massive grin on his face, was Austen.
Annie grinned at him.
She knew it wouldn’t change anything between them but as she walked past him, she thought she heard him say, ‘Well done, Annie-magus.’
As the shackles of guilt and the promise that had weighed her down for so long melted away, Annie suddenly realized that she knew exactly who she was.
Nothing could stop her being part of her family but she had to stop letting it confine her. She was still a sister and a daughter. But she was also an accountant and a producer. She was a friend. And maybe one day she could be a lover again.
All those identities formed her. She wouldn’t be who she was without them. But importantly she was not bound by the roles or the names. She was Anne and Annie. Annie-magus and Annie-matronic. And maybe in time she’d have different roles and identities but at the core she was herself and as long as she remembered that she wouldn’t get lost again. And it didn’t matter if her outside didn’t fit some prescribed ideal. She was who she was.
And maybe one day she would meet someone who saw all her many faces and looked to the very core of her and loved her because of them all.
She didn’t look back but shook out the tension from her shoulders and hands. Feeling more free and more herself than she ever had before.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Okay, so hiding in her room last night to avoid her family wasn’t a great start to her new independent life but at least they couldn’t bully her if they couldn’t find her.
She’d almost slipped, undone everything. Annie didn’t want to go backwards any more and she’d do anything in her power to avoid it.
And that was the most important thing, Annie thought as she strode through the set towards the production office; this was about her now. And if hiding was the best option, then she was taking it.
How did the weather get it right as well? Even though it was early the sky was a brilliant blue, birds chirped in the trees, and laughter could be heard from the direction of make-up and wardrobe.
Everything was coming together.
Annie pushed open the production office door. It swung easily meaning she wasn’t the first one in.
‘Hey,’ she said quietly. The office, usually containing her and a harassed AD or two, was positively overcrowded.
Harry was staring out of the window with a frown on his face. Lewis, who usually didn’t come on to location, had a hand on his arm. Austen was fiddling around with the small TV set that hung on the wall.
‘Hi.’ Lewis was much quieter than usual. Annie felt that she’d interrupted something. If it was sunny outside it was cloudy in here.
‘Is everything okay?’ she asked. Should she leave them all, let them have the room and take her laptop and go elsewhere? She hadn’t hung out in the stables for a while. She could always work there.
‘I’m sorry. We’ve invaded your space, haven’t we?’ Lewis said while squeezing Harry’s arm.
‘No, not a problem. Mi casa, su casa and all that,’ Annie said and then wished she could slap herself. Why did she turn into a complete divvy when Austen was anywhere near her?
Well it wouldn’t be for much longer.
The production was moving back to London, to do post-production – all the fiddling round and extra dubbing. There would be no staying in hotels together, no forced proximity thing. There would be no reason for him to hang out with a producer or a production accountant any more.
‘We just wanted somewhere private away from all the nonsense. And your office was nominated as the only place we all wanted to be that also had a TV.’
All.
Annie couldn’t stop herself from looking over at Austen, just a flick of a glance. He was frowning as he tried to get his laptop to connect.
What was it that they all needed privacy to watch?
‘Oh … okay.’
She carefully put her laptop on her desk and plugged it into the monitor.
There was silence again except for Austen’s muttering. She could see that he had a TV show playing on it now.
Annie shook her head – none of her business – and brought up the budget tracker, the new one. The tracker that now didn’t have any holes in it because of Les’s predilection for buying expensive My Little Pony merchandise.
Would spending production money on a very niche fetish get him blacklisted in the industry? Probably not – he was a straight seeming middle-aged white man. They seemed to get a bye for any kind of gross behaviour irrespective of what it was.
‘Look, I’ll go grab us all coffees while we wait. Annie, you want something?’ Lewis broke the silence.
‘Yeah, I’d go for a latte if you’re sure.’
‘No worries, love.’ Lewis smiled quickly then his eyes went back to look at Harry. He frowned and then left the room.
Would it be too intrusive to ask what was wrong? Now she had space in her life to think of someone other than her family she yearned to reach out and help.
No, they would let her know if they needed her.
She went back to her spreadsheet and lost herself in the numbers and the stories they told her that now made sense.
Lewis came back with a tray of coffees, just as Austen said, ‘Okay, it’s on.’
The theme music to Easy Ladies started playing.
Why on earth were they watching Marie’s show? Annie took her
coffee from Lewis and watched as Austen and he huddled together around Harry as if they were preparing for a funeral.
After the usual introductions and waves from the hosts, the camera homed in on Marie who sat centre of the table, next to the seat reserved for guests.
‘We have a very special guest joining us today. As you know my lovely sister-in-law had a tragic accident on the set of Austen Wentworth’s production of Pride and Prejudice.’ Annie wasn’t sure that Marie’s serious face should’ve been that sly. ‘Sadly she had to pull out of the production but she’s here to give her first interview since the tragedy. Welcome, Louisa Musgrove!’
The audience whooped and clapped as Louisa came carefully down the stairs to the table where everyone was sitting.
Marie looked smug. Even from where Annie was, which was about thirty miles and a TV screen away, Marie looked like she was up to something.
Harry, Lewis, and Austen were taut and at attention, focused on the small screen in Annie’s office. What was it they were scared Louisa would say?
Oh God, all the residual happiness Annie felt from taking a stand started to drain away. Louisa was going to announce she and Austen were together.
But then why did everyone look so grave? And when the hell had that happened? Austen had hardly been away since his trip to the US a few weeks ago.
‘We’ve all heard about your accident on the new production of Pride and Prejudice,’ one of the other anchors started to say.
‘Oh yes, it was too horrible for words but I’m much better now. Incredibly sad that I had to give up the opportunity,’ Louisa chirped. She looked well. Annie could be that gracious. It looked like she was using a little less fake tan than she used to. Louisa glowed.
She was in love.
It was obvious. Annie knew that look; she used to see it in the mirror.
Okay. She could deal with this. Hadn’t this production been about this? Getting over Austen, learning to say no to her family. Standing up and living for herself. She didn’t get the fairy-tale romcom ending, no. But she did get a new beginning.
She would smile, even as it hurt. Congratulate them and move to LA and make a new life.
She could do this.
Annie took a deep breath and looked over at Austen. Please don’t let him have that same look, the one he used to reserve for her.
But Austen wasn’t watching the TV; he was watching her, with that irritatingly impassive face she couldn’t read.
She dropped her eyes and shuffled a bit further away.
The congratulations could wait.
‘So I hear that love blossomed for you on set?’
Her heartbeat was fast; she could hear the blood thrumming in her ears. Her breath was getting short.
Annie’s knees quivered.
This was it. The killer blow she had always been expecting. But she would be happy for them. Austen deserved the world. And she would be a good friend to Louisa. It would mean that she wouldn’t see as much of Harry and Lewis as she’d hoped but she could make friends in Hollywood. LA had lots of like-minded people she was sure.
Louisa was grinning widely on the screen, her teeth blindingly white. A Hollywood smile.
‘Well not so much on set, but in the hospital.’ Louisa laughed as she said it.
Austen had been visiting her?
‘So we’ve all been keeping abreast of the gossip that has been coming out of the set,’ Marie said. ‘And it has been very juicy. I, of course, can’t possibly let any news out as of course my sister is in the production, as is my father.’
‘And Annie,’ Louisa reminded her.
Annie wished she hadn’t.
Marie waved off Louisa’s words. ‘But we shouldn’t keep everyone in suspense any longer. Let’s invite the lucky man in.’
Wasn’t the show filmed live? Why wasn’t Austen at the studio waiting to sail down the stairs and pull Louisa into his arms? Then she would have a movie star kiss to go with the movie star.
‘But …’ Annie started, wanting to know what was going on.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
The applause rose to cries before settling into confusion as John Benwick came into shot. He walked down the steps and kissed Louisa.
‘What the hell?’ Annie realized she’d said it out loud. And from the confused buzzing most of the audience agreed with her.
Everyone had been expecting Austen.
‘See, all you lovely Wentwitches, you have absolutely nothing to worry about from Louisa. And she and John have some fabulous news.’
‘We’re engaged!’ Louisa’s shout seemed to erupt from the speakers.
Annie looked at the men in the room and saw Lewis’s hand on Harry’s arm. Harry’s fist was clenched like he wanted to punch the screen.
Hell, John had been engaged to Harry’s sister only last year.
Annie had never really understood the term ‘gobsmacked’ until that moment. And also ‘cut off at the knees’. She staggered slightly and could feel her gums starting to dry out as her mouth stayed open.
‘Turn it off,’ Harry said. He sounded so tired.
Annie couldn’t help it. She got up and crossed over to Harry who was now staring blankly out of the skewed window of the Portakabin. She knew he wasn’t really seeing the bustle of the staging area, people going to and from the wardrobe tent.
‘You okay?’ she asked.
Lewis squeezed his shoulder and left them to it.
‘Oh you know, I’ve been better.’ This was not the Harry who had winked at her yesterday. He looked older, sadder. Annie wished she could do something to help.
‘Actually, Annie, could I ask you a question?’ He turned from the window and looked at her.
‘Sure,’ she said.
‘How soon is too soon to get over someone you love?’
What the hell did he know? Annie could feel herself stiffen.
Don’t look at Austen, she thought. Don’t look at him.
Did Harry know? Did they all know?
Because even though she was ready to move on she wasn’t over Austen. Not even close. She never could be over him.
Oh she would move on, but like John Donne said she moved on with a heart that wasn’t quite whole.
‘I don’t think you can put a timeline on that sort of thing. Sometimes you never get over someone but you move on and maybe love someone else differently. Each love is as different as the person you love.’
She ached for him, to have to deal with John and Louisa and so publicly.
‘Oh God, I’m sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. I’m just … He is advertising it all over the place. See here.’ Harry thrust his phone out at her; it was on John Benwick’s Facebook page. The post said he’d changed his status. It now said: ‘Engaged to Louisa Musgrove’.
It wasn’t even a year since Becca had died and here he was ready to walk down the aisle with someone else and telling the world.’
Crap.
But John and Louisa? It seemed far-fetched, Annie thought. But it wasn’t Austen. Not Austen. It was as if those words had become part of her heartbeat. Each one a celebration that he was still not taken, that she wouldn’t have to watch him play happy families with Louisa for the rest of Annie’s life knowing that it could’ve been her.
‘How did they get to know each other?’ It was the only safe question she felt she could ask.
‘Music,’ Harry snorted.
Music? But John had been all indie hipster and she knew for a fact that Louisa was solidly Top 40 and cheesy pop.
‘Music?’ she asked.
‘He visited her in hospital and liked to argue over boy bands and then they started to tag each other in their music streaming.’
Suddenly Annie could see it all. Louisa being stuck in hospital, starved for attention and activity, and John wanting to distract her. They had bonded first over boy bands and then Louisa, like a sponge, sucked up his attention and interests. It would be more than someone like John could resist.
&n
bsp; All that attention on him, coupled with Louisa needing someone to support her.
John Benwick had white knight syndrome.
‘I don’t understand.’ Harry sounded so frustrated, his fist hitting the wall.
Annie could see Lewis jump and put out a hand.
Austen paused in putting his laptop away. Annie met his eyes and then they both looked away.
‘John loved Becca so much. They had all these plans about how they were going to start a family. I just don’t see that if he had died, she’d be turning round and marrying someone else in less than a year. How can someone do that?’ He sounded like his heart was breaking.
Oh God, what could Annie say? Harry needed to hear something. It had to be meaningful but … John was still his friend. She couldn’t let him cut John and Louisa from his life. Becca wouldn’t have wanted that. John was still family. And even if Annie was walking away from hers, Harry needed to keep his together. This did explain why John was hardly ever around and had a permanent guilty look on his face.
‘Look, Harry. I didn’t know Becca and I can’t speak for her or anybody else really. All I can do is tell you my experience.’ Annie took a deep breath. She could do this. It was like pulling off a plaster. She needed to do it fast. It would still hurt but at least her bleeding a little might help Harry.
‘Love doesn’t really exist in time and space. I think it sits apart under different laws. What can seem like a mere moment in real time might feel like an aeon when you are in love, and when you’ve lost that love it can be an eternity.’
That seemed all a bit sappy and metaphorical. Annie took another breath.
‘All I know, Harry, is that John loved Becca very much. You can tell he still does, otherwise why is he feeling so guilty? He knows he’s hurting you. And if she were still with us then they would be together and I’m sure they would’ve lived a long and happy life. But, this is the thing: she isn’t here and John is faced with an eternity without her. So as much as it hurts John has to build the vision of a new future that doesn’t have Becca in it.’
And this is what Annie needed to do. Actually build the vision of a future instead of stagnating in the present and being held back by the past. She’d made the first steps. She no longer worried about what everyone else wanted; she was doing what she wanted. What she needed.
