God Don't Make No Mistakes

by Mary Monroe

  “Annette, I heard the bad news. Tsk, tsk, tsk,” Scary Mary began, sucking on her false teeth so hard I was surprised that they didn’t slide out of her mouth the way Muh’Dear’s often did. A hot iron couldn’t smooth out the deep lines and wrinkles on her mulish, nut-brown face. She wore a plaid smock and a pair of black pants. As usual, she had on a pair of men’s backless house shoes. She sat on the arm of my couch with her legs crossed. One of her many canes, one with a dragon’s head and a brass handle, lay across her lap. A shot glass, with a few drops of what was left of a high ball, was in her hands. “What a mess. When my second husband pulled the same baby-makin’ trick on me—with a Chinese hussy—I cooked his goose to a crisp. My divorce settlement took him for everything he had, and then some. I got everything except the gold crowns off his teeth, but when that sorry old sucker died, I got them teeth too! The undertaker was one of my best clients, a coochie-eatin’ old goat with a tongue as long as a serpent’s. He was a favorite with my girls. Anyway, you need to clean Pee Wee out like you guttin’ a hog. If I was you, I would take that barber shop right out from under that nasty buzzard’s ass. Pour me another dose of that vodka,” Scary Mary told me, waving her shot glass in the air. Distress must have been contagious. Scary Mary was as upset as Muh’Dear.

  “Pour me a double of the same stuff,” Muh’Dear requested, fanning her face with a rolled-up copy of Black Enterprise magazine. “Annette, whatever you do, don’t you dare let no man get his paws on the deed to this house so it’ll end up in some white woman’s hands... .”

  I just nodded and smiled as I poured more vodka for Muh’Dear and Scary Mary.

  “Gussie Mae, ain’t you gettin’ ahead of things?” Daddy protested with his hand in the air. He shared the couch with Muh’Dear. I was glad he wasn’t drinking. Alcohol made him even more talkative.

  “I ain’t gettin’ ahead of nothin’ fast enough!” Muh’Dear hissed, looking at Daddy like she wanted to slap him. “You was the first and last man that I’m gwine to let make a fool out of me! If I was to die and you ended up gettin’ my house and my restaurant, you’d have another white woman enjoyin’ it all before they put me in the ground.” Muh’Dear kept glancing at Lillimae, giving her looks so hot I was surprised that Lillimae’s face hadn’t melted off. My mother was a bitter woman. I prayed that I would not end up like her. But I had already begun to head in the same direction. That was why I wanted to keep things in perspective, and not let my problems consume me.

  “Let’s not get too carried away,” Lillimae suggested, slumped in that old La-Z-Boy recliner that Pee Wee had left behind. I was surprised that it could accommodate her humongous frame. Her thighs and legs were squeezed together so tightly, the bottom half of her body looked fused together, like a mermaid. Despite Lillimae’s black blood, she was as white as a person could be. All of the flesh that was not covered by the Bermuda shorts that she had the nerve to wear looked like raw pork. “We are all family.” As soon as Lillimae said that, Muh’Dear shot her another hot look. I didn’t encourage anybody to drink early in the day. But I was glad to see that Lillimae had a double shot of Jack Daniels in her hand. Under the circumstances, she needed it.

  “My mama didn’t raise no fool, and I didn’t neither!” Muh’Dear shrieked as she took a quick sip. There was a glassy look in her eyes. She was slurring her words and she kept releasing single hiccups every few seconds. It was obvious to me that she already had an adequate buzz. She chuckled and looked around the room. “Frank is a good man, but he ain’t good enough to end up with everything I done worked for.” Muh’Dear sniffed and gave my father a hopeful look. “But I will leave you a little bit of somethin’,” she said with her head cocked to the side.

  “Harrumph! You ain’t got to leave me nothin’, old woman,” Daddy whined, blinking so hard his sad, hooded eyes dilated. “I got along real good before I came back to you, and if I have to, I can get along again without you. I left home when I was thirteen, so I know how to make it in the world.”

  “You ain’t gwine no place, fool,” Muh’Dear snickered, giving Daddy a dismissive wave. “Ain’t a woman alive would have what’s left of you now. Me, I just keep you in my bed so you can keep my back warm.” Everybody in the room laughed, even Daddy.

  But there was a sad, vacant look in Daddy’s eyes as he gave Muh’Dear a dismissive wave back. “I can always go back to live with Lillimae,” Daddy pouted, looking to Lillimae for confirmation.

  “You sure enough can,” Lillimae confirmed with a weak nod. She knew that my mother disliked her. I appreciated how well she handled the situation. So far she had shown nothing but the utmost respect to my mother. But it seemed like no matter what Lillimae said or did, it offended Muh’Dear anyway.

  “Harumph!” Muh’Dear boomed, her face twisted with disgust. Even though she had growled just that one word of gibberish, it was very effective because of the harsh way she said it.

  Lillimae glanced at me and winked. I gave her a conspiratorial nod. I was glad to know that Muh’Dear’s nasty reaction to what Daddy had said didn’t faze Lillimae.

  One thing I knew for sure was that my mother was not a mean woman. She seemed harsh, not just toward Daddy and me, but other people as well. She had had such a hard life, and so many people had taken advantage of her kindness, that she was afraid to let her guard down now. Underneath her gruff exterior, she was as sensitive as a lamb. I was especially glad that Lillimae knew that my mother’s bark was way worse than her bite. And everybody else knew that too.

  I graciously announced how happy I was about everybody’s desire to spend more time with me. I delivered the obligatory comments like how nice they all looked and how glad I was to see them again so soon. “I’ve got some calls to make.” I apologized before I promptly made a U-turn and went back upstairs to my bedroom where I immediately dialed Rhoda’s number.

  “Rhoda, I’m going crazy. I know you’re probably busy with Jade and Bully, but I don’t care. My place suddenly feels and looks like a zoo. I have to come talk to you. I can’t wait another day. I’ll be there in a few minutes,” I told her.

  Rhoda laughed. “Get on over here, girl. I’ll be waitin’, and don’t you worry about Bully. He’s well trained. And Jade, well ... let me worry about her.”

  I took several deep breaths before I went back downstairs. I shuffled across the living room floor with my purse in my hand, ignoring the surprised looks that I received. “I have to go out for a little while,” I announced as I grabbed my car keys off the hook on the wall by the door.

  “I thought you had some phone calls to make,” Scary Mary said, giving me a suspicious look. She looked at me that way a lot. Ever since she’d caught me out in public with the man I’d had my affair with last year.

  “I’m going to make them when I get back,” I stated in as firm a voice as I could manage under such a high level of stress. “I’ll be with Rhoda for a while.” I volunteered that last piece of information so that everybody wouldn’t speculate on where I was going and whom I was going to be with (they were probably going to do that anyway).

  “Can I go with you, Mama?” my daughter asked, already moving toward me with an anxious look on her face. “Sitting around here ain’t no fun.”

  “I’m going to meet Rhoda so we can discuss something that you don’t need to hear,” I said quickly, holding up my hand in her disappointed face.

  Poor Daddy looked absolutely miserable. His face looked like a Halloween mask. It looked like his eyes had sunk even more deeply into their sockets. I felt sorry for him.

  Lillimae was the only person in the room who didn’t look like she was constipated. “I’ll have the kitchen cleaned up before you get back, Annette,” she offered. “And I’ll save you a plate in the oven so your food’ll keep warm.”

  “Lillimae, don’t worry about me,” I replied, snapping my fingers and forcing a smile. “I’ll get something to nibble on while I’m out.”

  “Lillimae, I hope you do clean up that big mess in the
kitchen, since you the one that made it,” Muh’Dear said with a smirk, not even bothering to look at Lillimae.

  I knew that Lillimae was tough enough to take care of herself, so I didn’t feel bad about leaving her with the pack of “wolves” in my living room.

  CHAPTER 16

  RHODA MET ME AT THE FRONT DOOR OF HER LOVELY RANCH-STYLE house. She gave me a brief hug and led me in by my hand. She had two double shot glasses of Jack Daniels with Coke already on a tray on her living room coffee table. I was glad because a strong drink was certainly what I needed after the mob scene that I’d just fled. I snatched a glass off the tray and immediately took a long swallow.

  “I was goin’ to fix us some iced tea, but I had a feelin’ you’d want, need, somethin’ a lot stronger,” Rhoda said, giving me a pitiful look. “You’ve got a crisis goin’ on, but a drink will make you feel better, or so damn bad you won’t care.”

  I took another sip from my glass so fast I hiccupped before I even swallowed. “You got that right. Boy, do I wish we could go back to the days when a ‘strong’ drink for us meant a Pepsi or a cup of black coffee.” A great sadness consumed me. There was a time when a “crisis” to Rhoda and me meant a broken fingernail.

  “We were teenagers then. But even though life had already bitten us in the ass, we were smart enough not to use alcohol as a crutch like some of our classmates did,” Rhoda pointed out, taking a long drink.

  “Those were the good old days,” I sighed, nodding in agreement.

  Rhoda shook her head. “But the only reason we weren’t guzzlin’ wine and the serious shit like vodka and rum back then was because we weren’t old enough to buy it.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, that is so true.” I gave Rhoda a pensive look. “How come the house is so quiet?” I asked, looking around. Rhoda had hired an interior decorator to make her home the showpiece that it was. She’d recently replaced her white shag carpets with a dazzling maroon and black print. The living room was filled with luxurious period mahogany. Framed pictures of her loved ones, my family and me included, dominated every wall in the large room, even the space above her fireplace. There was also a beautiful Japanese vase on the mantel above the fireplace. My living room looked like the one on Roseanne. It was plain, inexpensively furnished, and even gaudy. But it was neat, clean, and comfortable.

  “Bully is in the backyard fiddlin’ around with that jalopy Otis bought for Jade. It doesn’t matter if he gets it to run or not—she says it’s not ‘cool’ enough for her to be ridin’ around in. That girl,” Rhoda mouthed with a look of exasperation on her face.

  I gave her a mournful look. “Where’s Otis?”

  “He had to rush over to the plant this mornin’ again. Somethin’ about more union problems. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he was havin’ another affair. You know how the men their age do us ...”

  I looked away because I didn’t want Rhoda to see the pain in my eyes.

  “Not that we women are any better. I don’t know what I’d do if I had to give up Bully after all these years,” Rhoda confessed. “Just like you, he’s been like a lifeline to me all this time. Especially when that daughter of mine is actin’ up.”

  “And where is that daughter of yours?” I asked, bracing myself as I shot a quick glance toward the door leading to the hallway.

  Rhoda glanced at her watch and shook her head. “It’s only half past noon. She’s still in bed, of course. She gets up about every fifteen minutes to run to the bathroom. I keep tellin’ her that that urinary infection is not goin’ to clear up as long as she keeps drinkin’ and runnin’ out to a damn bar every other night. That girl is so damn hardheaded!”

  “I’m sorry to hear that she’s still sick and not behaving herself,” I muttered. “She’s going to find out one day that a hard head makes a soft ass.”

  “Tell me about it.” Rhoda chuckled and made a dismissive wave with her freshly manicured hand.

  “So?” I said, looking around some more. Despite the fact that I was like family to Rhoda, I never took it upon myself to make myself at home until I was told to do so.

  “So.” Rhoda blinked and snapped her fingers. We were still standing in the middle of her living room. “Don’t just stand here! Make yourself at home, girl.” She waved me to the couch. It felt like I had just plopped down on a cloud. She sat down in the matching wing chair facing me. “Have you given much thought to what you’re goin’ to do about Pee Wee now?”

  Before I answered, I took another drink from my glass; then I nodded. “I’ve given it a lot of thought, but I am not sure yet what I’m going to do. I do know that if Lizzie’s baby is Pee Wee’s child, he’s going to be in its life as much as he is in Charlotte’s. But I can’t have that child in my life. And I am so sorry that I feel this way about an innocent child.”

  “Annette, you don’t have to apologize for the way you feel. I am sure that almost every other woman on this planet would probably feel the same way. But for your sake, I hope you don’t make any decisions without thinkin’ it through very carefully. Pee Wee has been my best male friend since he and I were in elementary school. And you and I have been friends for almost as long. Our lives wouldn’t be the same if you divorced him.”

  My mouth dropped open so suddenly and so wide that the jawbones on both sides of my face felt like they had been forced open with a pair of prongs. “Nothing is going to be the same whether I divorce Pee Wee or not,” I announced.

  “I know that, but what do you want now? Do you want to spend the rest of your life being bitter and miserable and lonely? Or do you want to forgive and forget, and repair what was once a great relationship with a great man?”

  I blinked. “I guess I do,” I replied with a shrug.

  “You guess you do what?”

  “You know what I mean. If I really want to remain married, Pee Wee will do.”

  “Dammit, Annette. That doesn’t sound very hopeful, or very romantic!”

  “Women of our age don’t have many choices when it comes to marriage,” I reminded.

  “Woman of any age don’t have many choices, girl,” Rhoda pointed out. “Whatever you decide to do, I will support you all the way. I know I’ve said that a thousand times already, but I can’t say it enough. I just hope you do the right thing.” Rhoda finished her drink and set her glass back on the tray.

  I glanced at my watch to check the time. For some reason, I suddenly got agitated. I was anxious to go back home now so I could hole up in my room. “I don’t like to rush off, but I really should be getting back home. I don’t like to leave Lillimae with the big bad wolves for too long. Old people can be pretty vicious. Daddy is not too dangerous, but Muh’Dear and Scary Mary can do more damage with their mouths than a school of piranhas.”

  “Tell me about it,” Rhoda agreed. “But let’s get back to Pee Wee. I have a feelin’ that once you get used to the idea of that baby, you’ll make the right decision about where you want to go with your marriage.”

  I gave Rhoda a thoughtful look. “It’s just that I don’t know what the right thing is anymore, that’s all. How right would it be for everybody involved if I took Pee Wee back feeling the way I do about that baby?” I finished my drink. “Let’s put this subject on hold for a little while,” I suggested.

  Rhoda leaped up off the chair and clapped her hands. “Well, we’ve made a little progress. You don’t sound as bad as you did when you called me up this mornin’. I’m glad to see that. I was afraid that I was goin’ to have to have you put on life support.”

  “I feel all right, I guess. I just needed to get out of that house, even for just a few minutes.”

  We walked to the front door arm in arm.

  “Call me later,” Rhoda yelled as I shuffled off her porch.

  The street cleaners were out, so I had parked two blocks from Rhoda’s house. As soon as I made it back to my car, I realized I’d left my car keys on her living room coffee table. I rushed back up her walkway and onto the porch, but I didn’t both
er to knock. I let myself in, returned to the living room, and grabbed my keys. I had to blame my sudden urge to empty my bladder on the drink that Rhoda had served me. I made my way down to the end of the hall where the guest bathroom was located.

  The house was still quiet. Just as I was leaving the bathroom, I heard voices in the kitchen, a few feet away. As soon as I realized one of the voices belonged to Jade, my breath caught in my throat, so I moved a little faster. I wanted to be out of the house before she saw me. An encounter with her, which was always hostile these days, was one thing that I didn’t need right now. But then I overheard her say something that got my attention. It made me stop in my tracks. I held my breath and listened. I had to fan my ear with my hand, because what I was hearing made me sizzle with disgust.

  “You know you want me,” Jade purred. “You’ve been wanting to stick that big fat dick of yours in my pussy ever since I was a teenager. You look at me now like I’m something good to eat. And guess what ... I am something good to eat.”

  “OW! No! No, that’s not de way it is! I can’t be with you this way, milady! You know I can’t.” It was the voice of Bully, Rhoda’s long-time Jamaican lover. And it was obvious to me what was going on. I tiptoed to the kitchen doorway and peeped around the corner.

  “I’m the woman you need,” Jade continued. “Don’t fight the feeling, sugar!”

  I could not believe my eyes and ears! I prayed that I didn’t hiccup or sneeze or cough. I didn’t even want to think about what Jade would say, or do, if she caught me “spying” on her.

  Jade was all up in Bully’s face with her hands on his shoulders. What I saw next almost made me scream. She grabbed his crotch with one hand and wrapped her other arm around his waist. He was trying to push her away and begging her to leave him alone. It did no good for him to resist. That only made the scheming little tramp more aggressive. Right at the same time that she planted a big kiss on his lips, I heard Rhoda walking down the hallway humming a Luther Vandross tune. I quickly tiptoed in the opposite direction, hiding in the laundry room beyond the den. I was shocked at what I heard next.