God Don't Make No Mistakes

by Mary Monroe

  “She is pregnant, but not by me.” He put a lot of emphasis on the last part of his sentence, and that piqued my interest. If there was something he knew that I didn’t know, I wanted to hear what that something was immediately.

  Pee Wee drank some more beer and gave me a look that I could not interpret.

  “You don’t think that baby is yours? And how did you come to that conclusion?” I asked.

  “I don’t think, I know that baby is not mine,” he insisted.

  “You screwed her, didn’t you?”

  He raised his hand and twirled his index finger around a few times. “Look, let’s try and have a nice, calm conversation. You don’t have to be usin’ no crude language like that. I know you might not believe me, but this is just as painful for me as it is for you. I’m just as nervous as you are.” He didn’t hear me snicker, because I covered my mouth with my hand. He cleared his throat and tapped his knee with his finger some more. “Do you think I’d want to be raisin’ another child at my age? I’m old enough to be a grandfather.”

  “I did give that some thought,” I admitted. “Technically, we were old enough to be grandparents when Charlotte was born.”

  Pee Wee shrugged and nodded. “That’s true. But let’s keep this conversation on track.” He paused and sucked in some air and maybe some more courage because his voice got hard and direct. “See, this is the thing; I looked over that doctor’s report some more this mornin’. And from what I could see, Lizzie is due to give birth in March.”

  “So?”

  “You do the math. A woman carries a baby for nine months or less. Lizzie left me in May. If she was pregnant then, she’d be havin’ her baby no later than January or as late as February, not March.”

  “Maybe she miscalculated,” I said.

  “She sure did. She and I had not been, uh, close since the end of May, so there is no way that baby is mine.”

  I stared at Pee Wee with my lips pressed together for a few moments. “How long did you visit her today?” I asked.

  “Just long enough to say what I had to say to her. Look, if you think that there is still somethin’ between Lizzie and me, you are wrong. I hope you believe that, and I hope you believe what I just told you.”

  “I still say that maybe she miscalculated. Maybe her due date is before what she told you and what the doctor’s report says. Charlotte came a week later than the doctor said she’d come, or did you forget about that?”

  Pee Wee shook his head. “A baby comin’ a week late is one thing. A baby comin’ two whole months late is a horse of a different color. And a real dark horse at that. This baby mess with Lizzie gets stranger and stranger.”

  “How come you are so sure about that baby not being yours? How do I know you didn’t sneak around with her after she left you for Peabo Boykin?”

  “Because I didn’t sneak around with her after she left me for Peabo. Once it was over with her, it was over; and not soon enough if you really want to know. Leavin’ you for her was the dumbest thing I ever did in my life!” Pee Wee leaped up off the couch and rushed into the kitchen. He returned a few moments later with another can of beer. “I don’t know what else I have to do or say for you to believe that I regret leavin’ you and causin’ you all these headaches.” He drank and then released another belch. “I don’t know what was wrong with me.” He snorted and wiped his lips with the back of his hand. “But I hope I don’t have to pay for my foolishness for the rest of my life.”

  I considered Pee Wee’s words carefully and took my time responding. I finished my beer first and then set the can on the coffee table. Then I gave him one of my harshest looks. “You seem to be so certain that this baby is not yours. There must be something you can say to me that will convince me that it’s not.” I folded my arms and waited. “And it’s got to be something that’s solid. So unless you can tell me that you didn’t have sex with Lizzie at all while you were involved with her, I can’t imagine what other foolproof thing there is.”

  His body stiffened and a scowl appeared on his face. Something was up... .

  “Can you hurry this up, please,” I rasped, holding my breath and praying that I wouldn’t snap. I was already at a point where I felt I could no longer be responsible for my actions.

  “Annette, I really don’t know how to tell you what I have to tell you next. I don’t know how you’re goin’ to react to it.”

  “There’s only one way to find out, and I’d like to hear what it is,” I said, cocking my head to the side.

  “It’s somethin’ I had been hopin’ that I would never have to tell you,” he muttered, with his eyes searching the floor like he was looking for something he’d lost. I was glad that he had stopped tapping his knee with his fingers. But I knew that he was still nervous by the way he kept blinking his eyes and clearing his throat. He sniffed and looked at me with puppy-dog eyes and quivering lips.

  “Something like what? Were you impotent during all that time you were involved with her? That’s about the only way I can see you being one hundred percent sure that you didn’t get her pregnant.”

  “It’s worse than that,” he managed, hardly moving his lips. “Annette, I can’t make no babies. I shoot blanks.”

  CHAPTER 28

  I HAD HEARD A LOT OF STUPID COMMENTS AND REMARKS OVER THE years. And from time to time, I said a few things myself that made people roll their eyes. But what Pee Wee had just said was one of the most off-the-wall things that I’d ever heard. “You’ve been shooting blanks? What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I demanded, glaring at him with my eyes stretched open so wide I thought my eyeballs were going to pop out.

  “It means just what I said,” he murmured, speaking in such a low voice that I had to turn my ear to the side to hear him clearly. He cleared his throat and kept talking, speaking louder. “As much TV as you watch, and as much as you read, I know damn well you’ve heard that phrase before.”

  “Yes, I have heard something like that before, but not coming from you. Do you mind explaining to me exactly what you are trying to say?”

  “My sap is useless.”

  “Your what?”

  Pee Wee looked embarrassed. He started speaking in a low voice again. “My jizzum,” he practically whispered. I knew what he meant, but from the look on my face, I assumed he didn’t know that I knew. So he offered further clarification. “My sperm.”

  Now it was time for my jaw to drop, and it did. It dropped open so wide that I thought my bottom lip was going to touch my bosom. “What’s your sperm got to do with all this?” I asked. “Are you forgetting that we have a child together—or do you think that another man might be her daddy?” I was tired, but I still had enough energy to get angry.

  “I know Charlotte is my daughter, but we made her a long time ago. Things were different back then. The truth is, my baby-makin’ batter is about as potent as Gatorade these days... .”

  “Pee Wee, will you please get to the point and tell me exactly what you mean!”

  He held up his hands as if to protect his face from the sting of the harsh look I gave him. He could see that I was getting angrier by the second. He knew that I’d been somewhat involved in a violent confrontation already a few hours ago at Rhoda’s house and I assumed he didn’t want to be part of one that I initiated against him. And even though it was one of the many things in our past that we didn’t talk about, I had no doubt in my mind that he still remembered the rolling-pin smackdown that I’d administered to him and Lizzie the day that they had come to my house to tell me that they were in love. He still had a scar on the side of his forehead where the tip of my rolling pin had slammed into him.

  “Now, I know you remember that situation I went through last year? The male-related condition that Dr. Stoney treated me for.”

  “How could I forget that?” I muttered. I was nervous now and anxious for this meeting to end. My throat was dry and I was thirsty, but now I couldn’t even finish my beer.

  Last year, Pee Wee had be
en diagnosed with a mysterious prostate ailment. It had temporarily wiped out his sex drive. He had endured an aggressive treatment procedure, and within a year his doctor had given him a fairly clean bill of health.

  “I didn’t tell you everything,” he confessed. “There was more to that situation. I was hopin’ that I’d never have to tell you everything, but I have to now.”

  A lump immediately formed in my throat. All I needed now was for Pee Wee to tell me that he was preparing for the afterlife. That would have pushed me over the edge for sure. “Are you telling me that the treatment didn’t work, or is there something else wrong with you now?” It pleased me to see that he recognized the concern on my face and in my voice. I bit my bottom lip, but I didn’t even try to hold back my tears this time. “Is it terminal?” I choked.

  He held up his hand again, but he didn’t respond right away to my question. “Uh-uh,” he finally said.

  “Well, what is it?” I managed. “Look, my heart is beating like it’s about to bust out of my chest. My nerves are shot and my blood pressure is sky-high. If you keep beating around the bush and don’t tell me everything I need to know, you might have to arrange my funeral.” If I was going to lose my husband for good after all, I didn’t want death to be the thing to take him from me this time. “Do you mean ...” I rose, trembling in my tracks. My legs wobbled and before I knew what was happening next, I involuntarily plopped back down on the couch. “Are you ... going to ... die?” I whimpered.

  He laughed and I considered that to be a good sign. “Yes, I am goin’ to die ... eventually.”

  “I need another drink,” I mouthed. I rose up off the couch again and stumbled back into the kitchen. I didn’t get another beer. I fixed myself a double shot of bourbon this time. One thing I promised myself was that as soon as things settled, I’d reduce my alcohol intake. I had drunk more in the past few days than I normally did in a month.

  “You don’t have to worry, Annette. I ain’t dyin’ no time soon. Not unless I get hit by a bus, or you finish me off for me actin’ such a fool.” He laughed again, but I didn’t see the humor in his words. “Uh, see, Dr. Stoney told me that the treatment I was gettin’ might have a few side effects... .”

  “Such as?”

  “Well, as you recall, my sex drive was on life support durin’ that time. I was no more interested in pussy than I was in mud pie.”

  “How could I forget that part,” I managed.

  “There was another side effect that was worse,” he said, looking at the floor.

  “What could be worse than you not wanting to touch me?”

  “The medicine that I was taking diminished my sperm count.” He looked up at me with an expression of unbearable despair on his face. It made him look even older and more unattractive. In fact, that look on his face made him look sick. “It was already low when I started the treatment. By the time I finished the treatment, it was at ground zero.”

  As devastating as this news was, I was relieved to hear that it was not something worse. But what Pee Wee had just revealed overwhelmed me anyway. A great sadness came over me. I wanted to cry some more, but that was one of the many things that I was sick and tired of doing. It never did any good, and I always ended up with red, swollen eyes—which gave the busybodies something else to gossip about. “So you are telling me that you can’t have any more kids?”

  “Didn’t you ever wonder why you never got pregnant again?”

  “For one thing, my eggs were old by the time we got busy. And your juice was just as old. I didn’t spend any time wondering about why you hadn’t made any more babies since Charlotte until ... until Lizzie called me up and told me she was having your baby.”

  “Lizzie is havin’ a baby, like I just told you, but it’s not mine, like I just told you. When I showed her the papers that I got from Dr. Stoney, she changed her tune. She broke down and cried like a baby herself. That’s when she told me that she knew that Peabo is her baby’s daddy, and that she knew it all along! But when she told him she was pregnant, he went off on her and told her that he already had five kids and wasn’t about to support another one.”

  Lizzie was an even bigger fraud than I originally believed. Nothing that woman could do or say would surprise me now. “So she decided to pin it on you?”

  “She said she knew I’d be a better daddy than that asshole she’s with now,” Pee Wee said, giving me a sheepish look. That didn’t help his case any. I wanted to slap that look off of his face. I wanted him to be as angry as I was about the fact that Lizzie had tried to pull the wool over his eyes.

  “Did it occur to her that you might count up the months? I know she’s stupid, but is she that stupid?”

  Pee Wee shrugged. “I guess she figured it was worth a shot. People do some of the stupidest shit around here!”

  “Pee Wee, are you telling me the truth?”

  “You want to see the papers from Dr. Stoney? I told Lizzie, and I’m tellin’ you, when that baby comes, we’ll get a blood test done. I know that’s not one hundred percent accurate to prove if a man is a baby’s daddy or not, but it’s the best I can offer. The bottom line is, there is no way that baby can be mine.” Pee Wee paused and rubbed the side of his neck. “You know how I got around before me and you got married. Didn’t you wonder how come none of my exes got pregnant by me?”

  “That’s not something that I spent a lot of time thinking about either. As a matter of fact, that’s not something I gave any thought to at all. I had a busy life back then myself. I was engaged to another man before you and I got serious, remember?”

  Pee Wee gave me an exasperated look, but that didn’t bother me at all. I was just as exasperated as he was, if not more.

  “Annette, like I said, just to be sure, I will still go through with a blood test after Lizzie has her baby anyway. I will do whatever I have to do to straighten out this mess. I want you and me to resume what we had started, because I do want to give our marriage another chance. Don’t you?”

  I took my time responding because by now, I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. “I still don’t want to rush into anything. I still think we should date other people for a little while until we decide whether we really want to reconcile,” I allowed. Before I could stop myself, I yawned.

  “I’m goin’ to get out of here so you can get some sleep. After that mess you went through with Rhoda and Jade today, I know you must be worn out. I’ll be in touch. You want to go out to dinner one night next week or somethin’?”

  “I don’t want to make any plans for next week just yet. I need to spend some time with Lillimae, and I know Rhoda’s going to need a shoulder to cry on for a while.”

  “Your birthday’s comin’ up real soon. How about then? We can have a nice dinner at that Italian restaurant you so crazy about. Or any other place you want to go.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “Well, I’ll be in touch anyway. But if you want to talk to me, you got my new phone number.”

  Immediately after Pee Wee left, I stumbled upstairs to Lillimae’s room. I told her everything that Pee Wee had told me.

  “Well, I guess that’s good and bad news,” she told me, lying in bed on her side like a seal. “I am so glad you came up here to tell me this right away. I was worried about you and what he was up to now. Eow w w!”

  Even though I felt slightly better, I didn’t sleep much that night. There were so many thoughts dancing around inside my head, I didn’t know which one to address first.

  CHAPTER 29

  THE FOLLOWING SUNDAY AFTERNOON, I JOINED LILLIMAE IN THE kitchen to help her finish off a barbecued chicken that she had cooked earlier.

  “While you were still upstairs, your boyfriend dropped off a basket of dirty clothes for you to wash and iron for him,” she told me.

  I jerked my head up from my plate and looked at her. “What boyfriend?” I asked.

  “Oh, you got more than one?” Lillimae’s eyes got big and an amused look quickly appeared on her
face.

  I gave Lillimae a sheepish grin. “Uh, I have been dating a couple of men. Roscoe was the one you met the night you got here. It’s nothing serious, though,” I said with a shrug. “I only see them every now and then.”

  “Yeah, I did meet that Roscoe. He’s the one that dropped off his dirty clothes this mornin’.”

  “I’m kind of seeing another guy, every now and then. Ronald Hawthorne is a personnel representative for the water department. He’s a nice enough guy.”

  “Uh-huh.” Lillimae gave me a cautious look. “That’s nice, I guess. I’m glad to see that you didn’t let Pee Wee’s departure stop you from livin’ it up.”

  “Like I just said, it’s nothing serious with either one of them—and they know that. I just like to kill time with them,” I mused.

  “These two boyfriends are just maintenance men, huh?” Lillimae asked with a double wink.

  “Yeah, something like that.”

  “Uh-huh. And I hope they do good work.” I blinked, wondering what Lillimae would say if she knew about Roscoe’s problem, something that I had only shared with Rhoda. I had regretted telling Rhoda, because she had tried to talk me into sneaking some Viagra into Roscoe’s drinks, which I thought was ridiculous. As far as I was concerned, that was a variation of date rape. “There is nothin’ wrong with us women keepin’ our female machinery tuned up,” Lillimae decided.

  I looked at my watch and gasped. “Shit! I just remembered that I told Ronald I’d call him today.” I skittered across the floor and grabbed the telephone on the wall. My call went straight to Ronald’s voice mail. I hung up and gave Lillimae a thoughtful look. “I’m worried about Rhoda. I’ve left her a few messages too. Has she called today?”

  “Uh-uh. After what she went through with that useless daughter of hers, she’s probably too upset to do much of anything these days. Maybe you should call her again,” Lillimae suggested.