Descent

by Julie Cannon

  For the past year, thoughts of Caroline had crossed her mind more and more often. She wondered just how different her life would have been if they had stayed together. Would it be any different? Would she still have bounced around from woman to woman never staying long enough to learn more than just her name?

  She was the bad girl on the circuit. It was her persona even though just as much was conjecture as reality. She was tired. Tired of the travel, the junk food, and the endless empty nights. Who knew she was seriously thinking about retiring and settling down? But what surprised her the most was how often thoughts of Caroline popped in her head.

  The chiming of the bell above the door rang again as another patron entered with Caroline right behind him. Shannon barely glanced at the man, her complete focus on Caroline. She had changed into a tangerine-colored sleeveless blouse over matching plaid shorts that fell just above her knees, accentuating her long legs. A tattoo that hadn’t been there ten years ago circled one pale ankle above camel and tan boat shoes. Shannon wondered if Caroline had any more surprises hidden under her fashionable clothes.

  When Caroline saw her, Shannon’s heart jumped a beat or two faster at the flash of recognition in her eyes. That expression didn’t last long as Caroline quickly covered it up. But Shannon knew it was there. It reminded her of every time they saw each other those many years ago.

  Caroline took a deep breath as she approached the table where her ex-lover sat. Funny, she thought, she had never really thought of or referred to Shannon as an ex-lover. It sounded so intimate. But wasn’t that what they had been? Intimate? No, she shook her head. Sex, fucking, and lust are what you have when you’re seventeen. The word “lover” just sounds too mature for teenagers.

  All of this and much more raced through her head as she closed the gap between them. Shannon stood as she approached and Caroline’s reaction to her was as thrilling today as it was all those other times that seemed like ages ago.

  Caroline was a freshman when she first saw Shannon walk across the courtyard of MHA. At first she thought she was an upperclassman, the way she walked with confidence, as if she had always belonged at the prestigious school. Her hair was longer than it was today and equally blond and unruly. She had the swagger of someone who went after what she wanted and the sophistication that only the wealthy seem to inherit. Caroline had started to suspect she was attracted to girls and one look at Shannon Roberts confirmed it. But it wasn’t until two years later and that fateful summer that changed her life.

  Caroline was a virgin when she and Shannon finally got together. She knew all about the boy/girl thing but had no idea what to put where to make a girl cry out and beg for more. But with Shannon she caught on fast. It was as if she had been pulled out of a fog that she only thought she was seeing through. With Shannon, every day was brighter, every minute an adventure. As in typical teenage fashion, Shannon was everything to her and Caroline thought she couldn’t live without her. But obviously she had. They both had, and here they were all these months and years later. And Caroline felt as she did back then.

  “You seem surprised to see me,” Caroline said. Shannon pulled out the chair for her.

  The waiter arrived and took their drink order, giving Shannon a reprieve from answering. But Caroline wasn’t letting her off the hook. “Didn’t think I’d show up?” And why is she so relieved that I did?

  “I wasn’t sure if you would or not,” Shannon admitted.

  “I said I’d come.” Caroline tried to relax. The conversation felt forced and awkward and it got worse with a long pause when neither she nor Shannon said anything. Shannon looked anything but the sophisticated, cocky poster girl of the circuit. She looked scared to death. Caroline took pity on her.

  “How have you been, Shannon?” What have you been doing with yourself? How do you spend your days? Who do you spend your nights with? Do you ever think of me? Did you fall apart like I did when you left? Those and a dozen other questions threatened to spill out of her mouth. Her pride kept them in.

  “No complaints, I suppose. How about you? I was sorry to hear about your crash.” Shannon toyed with her spoon, a sign of nervousness Caroline remembered.

  “I’m okay now. It was a nasty spill and I still have two pins in my leg, but it only bothers me when it’s really cold, or when I sit too long.” Actually, it bothered her more than she cared to admit, but a steady dose of ibuprofen and ice kept the major discomfort at bay.

  The waiter returned with their drinks and Caroline ordered a roast beef sandwich with chips and Shannon ordered a rare burger and fries. There was another long pause when he left.

  “Why did you invite me to lunch?” By the look on Shannon’s face, Caroline might as well have asked her to recite the entire periodic table of elements. “We haven’t spoken to each other since high school. Why now? Why this race?” Why did you leave me? Why didn’t you stay and fight for me? Why didn’t you ever call me?

  “I don’t know. I guess I thought it was time.” Shannon squirmed in her seat.

  “Time for what?” Caroline was surprised when long dormant anger simmered to the surface. She had been angry at the way Shannon had left her. Angry that she never made more of an effort to contact her. Angry that she had practically ignored her at every race they competed in. It wasn’t as if she had fallen off the face of the earth.

  “Jesus, Caroline, would you give me a break here? I know it’s been a long time, but that was years ago.”

  “And we’re supposed to act like, what…we let bygones be bygones? It never happened?” Caroline could just as well forget what it was like to make love with Shannon as she could her own shoe size. That was the trouble. She couldn’t forget. At the rate she was going she’d never forget.

  “No, of course not,” Shannon replied quickly, finally showing some spark in the conversation.

  “Of course not what? We let it go? Or act like it never happened?” Their food came and the waiter left without saying a word, the tension between the two of them obvious.

  “Neither one.” It was Shannon’s turn to be angry. “For Christ sake, Caroline, why don’t you flay me open right here, right now? Will that make you feel better? It was years ago. An entire lifetime ago and I’m sorry.” She raised her hand cutting off what Caroline was about to say. “I’m sorry that was the way your father found out. I’m sorry that you were put in that position. I’m sorry that you had to deal with all of it. But what I’m not sorry about is that we were together in the first place.” Shannon took a long drink of her tea.

  “Is it too much to want to talk, to find out how you are, what you’ve been doing with your life? I don’t want to pretend like it never happened, Caroline, because it did. We had a teenage fling. It was intense, it was powerful, and it was a defining moment in our lives.” Shannon hesitated. “At least it was for me. You can’t simply pretend it didn’t happen. Well, maybe you can, but I can’t.”

  Shannon took a breath expecting Caroline to interrupt and was surprised when she didn’t. She just sat there looking at her as if she were crazy. “What?”

  “What do you want from me, Shannon?” Caroline was tired of dancing around the two of them. It was the main question she had been asking herself for weeks, especially knowing she’d see her every day for weeks instead of once or twice a year. The tension in her shoulders and the butterflies in the pit of her stomach were all the evidence she needed that Shannon still had the ability to affect her.

  “I just want to talk with you. Tell me what you’ve been doing with yourself, how you are.”

  “Talk to you. You want me to talk to you.” Shannon nodded. “Fine. After I left MHA I went to Columbia. My undergrad and graduate degrees are in physics and I defend my dissertation for my Ph.D. in astrophysics three weeks after the tour ends. I’ve been accepted to the astronaut program at NASA. I train in Colorado and have a cracker-box apartment in New York. I have good friends, my baby sister has five kids, God help her, and my parents love me. Other than what you kn
ow about me and the tour, that about sums it up.” Caroline sat back in the booth. There were a few more words about her life after that fateful day her father opened her dorm room door, but she was not going to share them with Shannon. She hadn’t told anyone except for Fran, and that was just recently.

  “NASA? You’re going to be an astronaut?”

  Out of everything she said, this was Shannon’s follow-up question? Nothing about how I was after she left me? What did my father say? Did he hit me or scream at me? Did I curl up in a ball and cry? Did I miss her? Shannon had the reputation of being a party girl on the tour, not serious about anything, no commitments other than the next race, and she sure was showing her colors now. “Yes, I am.” Caroline had always dreamed of walking in space or being the first woman to step foot on the moon.

  “That’s cool. And Ashley has five kids?”

  “Yes, one right after the other.”

  Shannon asked a few more basic questions that Caroline answered in simple sentences or with a yes or no. She didn’t feel particularly chatty and certainly didn’t trust either Shannon’s motives or her own body’s response. She kept herself on a tight leash during the stilted conversation.

  “I got an invitation to our ten-year reunion,” Shannon said referring to their time together at MHA for the first time.

  “I did too.”

  “Are you going?” Shannon asked, hiding behind a French fry going into her mouth.

  If I say yes, will you ask me to go as your date, Caroline wanted to say, but instead answered truthfully. “No. I’ll be at NASA then and I’m not interested in going.”

  “Why not? It might be fun going back and seeing what everyone has turned into. Who has the most kids, the biggest house in the Hamptons, the ugliest husband.” She chuckled.

  “I haven’t kept in touch with anyone from MHA, so I don’t really care what they’re up to.” The two weeks between being discovered and graduation were the longest of her young life. Somehow word must have gotten out that she and Shannon were caught together because she was ostracized by girls that had been her friends the day before and others had given her a silent thumbs up in the cafeteria. Either way, the only thing good that came out of MHA was that it got her accepted to Columbia.

  Shannon didn’t know what to say next. She had tried casual conversation, current events, the tour, and had even brought up MHA, but nothing made Caroline talk with her like she had years ago.

  “I thought maybe we could go as friends.”

  “You’re kidding, right?” An image flashed in her mind of heads turning when she walked in with Shannon Roberts on her arm.

  When she didn’t respond, Caroline continued.

  “You want us to be friends? Like have lunch once in a while and chat about the weather or whether a carbon or aluminum frame is stronger or how much travel we have in our front shocks? Are you out of your mind?”

  Anger and embarrassment filled Shannon’s stomach and she wanted to throw up. This had gone terribly wrong. What was supposed to be a nice get reacquainted lunch had turned sour very fast. If it didn’t start out that way to begin with. Caroline was right about one thing—what in the hell had she been thinking? She let anger take control.

  “I guess I must be to think that you were mature enough to handle this. But obviously I was wrong. I’m sorry if I’ve ruined your lunch and upset you. You won’t have to worry about me bothering you again.” Shannon tossed money on the table and walked away.

  Chapter Fourteen

  On Friday of race weekend the expo was in full operation. Every manufacturer of bicycle gear, frames, components, sports drinks, energy bars, and nature trails was represented. The tents were set up surrounding the winner’s circle and people were milling about, some carrying packages bearing the logo of their purchase. Fifteen feet from the Gatorade tent was autograph central, where riders were assigned shifts and signed autographs for fans passing T-shirts, hats, and pictures across the table to their favorite rider.

  Shannon was stationed at the table with one of the male riders and she was attracting much more business than he was. The people that came to these events were typically in their late teens and twenties with an occasional thirtysomething attending as well. Shannon signed autographs, recognizing a few familiar faces of those fans that had been at previous events. These people must have money to be able to follow the circuit, she thought as she scrawled her name across her image embossed on a white tank top. One after another, they stood in line patiently waiting their turn to offer a compliment, share a word or two with her, or ask a question.

  “I think you’re the best rider on the tour,” the fan gushed. She wasn’t much older than twenty and by the look of adoration on her face Shannon could be between her legs within the hour if she were so inclined. But she wasn’t interested, which was a surprise. Shannon had usually scored at least once, sometimes twice, at races, but for the first time in a long time she had no desire to fuck a total stranger no matter how attractive she was.

  “Thanks, enjoy the event,” Shannon said coolly but politely. The young thing sported a pout of disappointment and moved on.

  “I think you squashed her plans for the night, or at a minimum hurt her feelings.”

  Shannon cringed inside and glanced at her watch before looking up to see Nikki standing in front of her. Perfect timing, she thought, her one-hour shift was over.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Shannon stood; her back was sore from sitting on the hard metal chair.

  Nikki moved to the end of the table effectively blocking her exit. “Sure you do, sugar. She wanted a piece of you, the infamous Shannon Roberts, mountain bike rider extraordinaire, famous lover on the tour.”

  Shannon detected a whiff of something alcoholic on Nikki’s breath and her stomach turned. She was hard enough to handle lately, but the addition of alcohol was a new and potentially dangerous development.

  “She’s just a kid,” Shannon said, unsuccessfully maneuvering around Nikki without touching her.

  Nikki turned at the exact moment Shannon passed, her arms skimmed the tip of Nikki’s man-made breasts. She heard her sharp intake of breath before Nikki said, “Oh, yes, I liked that. I definitely like that.”

  “Have you seen Frank? I have to talk to him.” Shannon tried to deflect the conversation. She knew it was pointless, but she tried nonetheless.

  “He’s in a meeting with somebody,” Nikki replied. She stepped in front of Shannon. “He won’t be finished for at least another hour.”

  Her insinuation was clear and Shannon was tired of Nikki chasing her like a bitch in heat. She was not interested and the more she pushed, the more disgusted Shannon became. She wanted to slap her, or at the very least scream at her to leave her alone. She bit back what she really wanted to say.

  “Okay, thanks. That’ll give me enough time to talk to Norm. My gears are slipping between five and six and he’ll know what to do,” Shannon lied through her teeth. There was nothing wrong with her bike. Even if there was, she could fix it better than the THS mechanic Frank kept on staff. “If you’ll excuse me.” Shannon quickly sidestepped her. She didn’t relax until she had turned the corner and was heading back toward her hotel. Even then she kept glancing over her shoulder, expecting to see Nikki following her.

  The sliding doors opened silently and a whish of cool air blew over her skin. It was hot and more than a little humid and she had practically run the half mile from the expo to her hotel. She veered to the left and within five minutes had a lukewarm beer in one hand, a glass of ice in the other, and a bowl of pretzels between them.

  The hotel lounge was crowded, another sign that one of the biggest events in Switzerland was in town. She had managed to get to a table in the back of the room without being recognized and she sat with her back to the wall watching the scene in front of her. Even though it was considered a big no-no by beer aficionados, Shannon preferred her beer ice cold and expertly poured the beverage over the ice and waited fo
r the small head of foam to subside. Studying the room, she recognized more than a few fellow riders, both male and female, all sporting their sponsor logos like the money on their back it was.

  Not long after she sat down, a pair who had been all over each other in one of the dark booths in the corner practically ran out of the lounge to what Shannon guessed was one of their rooms. Hooking up was one of the pastimes of riders at every race. Some did it to kill time, others to alleviate the stress of the ride, and others simply because they could. One rider went so far as to call his liaisons his “weekend wife.” Shannon wondered if his “weekday wife” was savvy to his escapades. She doubted it. What happens on the circuit stays on the circuit. At least as far as the riders were concerned. It was the worst kept secret as to who was fucking whom, but nobody said anything about it outside of the tour.

  She was into her third beer when Caroline walked in with the woman Shannon had seen her with in Scotland. Fran had also been with Caroline in Madrid, France, and Germany and Shannon couldn’t help noticing how close they were. She had watched them together, Fran handing Caroline her gear, wiping off her goggles, and even straightening her shirt. The act was almost intimate, implying that they were more than just friends.

  A surge of jealousy crept into her throat and she unsuccessfully tried to wash it down with her beer. She signaled the waitress for another and couldn’t stop herself from watching the two of them squeeze through the patrons at the bar. Fran was leading, holding on to Caroline’s hand with what looked like a firm grip pulling her deeper into the crowd. Finally they had their drinks and Caroline looked relieved to get out of the crowd and into a booth.

  As they laughed and talked, Shannon saw Fran touch Caroline’s hand more than a few times to emphasize a point or God knows what. Every time she touched Caroline or laughed at something Caroline said, the hair on the back of Shannon’s neck stood up. She had no right to feel this way about Caroline. She was free to socialize with whomever she wanted, but Shannon hated it nonetheless.