Ever Enough

by Stacy Borel

  No I couldn’t call him. Finn had his own life and I couldn’t just call him and expect him to stop what he was doing to come play the white knight to me. I needed to live on my own and figure out what I wanted out of life.

  I wasn’t sure how long I lay in the bath but I must have dozed off. My cell phone buzzed from where I’d left it on the toilet seat and woke me. It was a text from Harper. She was letting me know that she would be about an hour late because she had a showing. Getting out of the tub I went to my room to get dressed. I didn’t want to be overly dressy for the interview since it was just the coffee shop but I didn’t want to appear unprofessional. I chose to wear a loose fitting blue top with three-quarter length sleeves that matched the color of my eyes, and a pair of black dress pants with black flats. Better to appear professional than sloppy was always my Mom’s motto.

  Grabbing my brush I worked it through my hair and decided to leave it down. I glanced at the clock I saw it was time to go. I took one last look at myself in the mirror. Ready or not, this was as good as I was going to get.

  When I arrived at Beans about ten minutes later, I was instructed by the young girl behind the counter to sit and wait for the manager. I took a seat by the window in a plush red chair and looked around. Some things had changed since I’d last been in there, but for the most part it was still the same. The aroma inside was intoxicating; wonderful, deep roasted coffee. The kind that when you smell it you want to take in a deep breath and say ‘ahhh’ as you exhale. The atmosphere had a calming effect. It made you want to sit in one of the many comfortable couches and chairs and bust out a book or a laptop. Every spot to sit was strategically placed as to allow privacy while chatting it up with friends, reading, or simply relaxing while sipping a latte. Outside there were a couple of metal tables with chairs for those that wanted to enjoy their drink while sitting in the warm sun.

  The manager came out from the back and approached me with a warm smile and a handshake. “Hi, you must be Emilyn. I’m Rose, the owner here at Beans. Sorry to keep you waiting, I was placing an order for more supplies.”

  Rose looked to be about forty, and had small laughter lines around her mouth. She was small in stature with short black hair, and eyes that looked almost black. She wore a long, colorful, bohemian-type skirt and a white puffy shirt that showcased a beautiful large silver pendant necklace. She was just what I’d pictured the owner to look like. After a few short seconds of looking her over and feeling more at ease, I replied “Yes I am and it’s no problem, I haven’t been waiting long.”

  She looked down at my application, scanning through it. Taking her red-rimmed glasses off her face, she started her questions. “So I see that you haven’t worked in quite a while. What have you been doing the past few years?”

  “Well, I’ve actually been living in Chicago for the past seven years with my husband. We recently decided to separate so I moved back home.” I sat up a bit straighter, feeling uncomfortable about sharing my personal life with a stranger. “But when I was in Chicago I stayed at home because that’s what my husband wanted.”

  “Oh, you were married to one of those men?” She gave me a knowing nod.

  “Umm…I’m not quite sure what you mean?”

  “I’m talking about the type that expects you to be the perfect Suzy Homemaker, while he goes out and earns all the money like the big man that he thinks he is. Yeah, I was married to one of those too. Left his ass as fast as I could and showed him just what kind of woman he actually married by opening up this place.” She was grinning at me now.

  Unsure of what to say to all of that, I smiled back at her and gave her a face that said ‘don’t you have anymore questions to ask me besides talking about my upcoming divorce’?

  Rose was clearly a bright woman because she picked up on my unease and quickly moved on. “Do you have any experience in a coffee house, or customer service?”

  “Not in a coffee shop, no. But I did deal with my father’s clients that came in and out of his law firm. It was a while ago, but I’m very good with people.”

  “Okay, I’m going to give you the position.”

  I stared at her with a confused expression. “You’re giving me the job?”

  “Yes. The job is yours if you want it. When do you think you can start?”

  Completely taken aback by this news, I was rendered speechless. I’d barely even told her anything about myself. I hadn’t worked in years, I had no experience, and yet she was offering me the position. “Oh, umm…I can start right away, as soon as you need me.”

  “Can you start tomorrow? We can get you started training on the espresso machine and working the cash register. How about nine? That way our morning rush is over and we can take our time so you won’t feel overwhelmed.”

  “Wow, yes, thank you so much! I’ll be here at nine.” I stood up when Rose did and reached out to shake her hand again. I was grinning ear to ear. I’d seen on the news how the job market was not the greatest so I hadn’t expected it to be so easy. Although I had a feeling she only hired me because she thought we had something in common with bad ex-husbands, a job is a job and so I accepted it for what it was and began to get excited about this new prospect.

  Rose walked away in to the back room and I made my way from Beans to the doctor’s office. My mind was all over the place. I knew this job wouldn’t pay all the bills and it certainly wasn’t what I saw myself doing in the long term, but it was a start. I knew I could keep living with Harper but I’d have to insist on paying for things; even if it was just buying the groceries or paying the electric bill. I knew she’d fight on it but I wouldn’t have it any other way; even if I had to threaten to move out. I knew she loved me and was trying to be a good friend but I couldn’t learn to stand on my own two feet if she wouldn’t let me.

  I had an appointment with my lawyer this week as well. He wanted to go over what assets I wanted to request in the divorce settlement. I’d planned on asking for my car to be sent down to me, but I found out that Julia had been driving it and so I no longer wanted it. In fact I didn’t want anything except for Weston’s signature on the bottom of the forms. He could keep the alimony, the house, the furniture, all of it. I just needed it to be done with. Talking with my lawyer about things I shared with West had been hard. It was a reminder of how I’d failed. Thankfully all the documents would be filed and the divorce would be settled in two weeks. I could move on and no longer have daily reminders of what I’d lost.

  I made it to Dr. Monroe’s office ten minutes before my appointment, giving me time to fill out the necessary papers and provide them with a brief rundown of my medical history. After I gave them a urine sample they drew my blood, took my vitals, and put me in a room with a medical exam table. I sat down on the paper that covered the table, looking about the room. It was all pretty standard. Jars filled with tongue depressors, cotton balls, and q-tips sitting on a counter by a sink. Winnie the Pooh characters covered one of the walls to help keep little kids occupied.

  I’d only been sitting for five minutes when the doctor knocked and came in. He was an older man, short in stature, with pure white hair. He had a very friendly face and when he smiled I could see he had a slight gap between his teeth. He was holding what I assumed to be my records. After introducing himself, he began sorting through some papers and began asking with some basic questions.

  “You’re here for STD testing, is that correct?” He stood and came to listen to my heart and lungs with his stethoscope. I took a deep breath, because well, wasn’t that what everyone did when someone puts a stethoscope on your chest?

  “Yes that’s correct.”

  “I know this may sound intrusive, but do you have more than one sexual partner?”

  “No sir.” He helped me lie down so he could palpitate my stomach and listen to the sounds as well.

  “Hmmm… okay. Well I have your preliminary test results.” He turned to take a seat on his rolling stool.

  Oh thank god! I was going to get answe
rs. He startled me by asking me “When was the first day of your last period Emilyn?”

  Unsure I started thinking back. Why was he asking me that question? “I think it was about four weeks ago. I haven’t had a period yet but I just assumed it was because I’m a little stressed out and have a lot going on.” I started biting at my lip, a habit I had when I was feeling nervous.

  “Well, I see that you checked the box that you are married, maybe you should call your husband in to hear this news.” He was looking at me with curiosity and I had no idea why.

  “Actually I am in the middle of a divorce, which is why I’m here getting tested. I need to know that whoever he was with was clean.” His eyes grew wide, but he quickly pieced together what I was telling him. Then something occurred to me. “Oh my god, did you find something in those tests? Do I have a lump somewhere? Am I dying?” I was panicking! I was too young for cancer. But that’s what everyone that gets cancer says. They never thought it would happen to them. Feeling myself beginning to panic attack I said with a shaky voice, “What did you find? I don’t need anybody here with me, please just tell me.”

  “Your STD test results will take about a week to come back, but I did find something.” He paused. “Emilyn we ran a couple of our usual tests on your urine sample checking for things like dehydration, elevated white cell count, pregnancy, proteins, etc.” He took a long pause glancing back down at my paperwork. “Emilyn, you’re pregnant.”

  I wasn’t sure that I’d heard him right. “What?” He repeated that my pregnancy test had come back positive, and that they were scheduling me for a full exam to make sure everything was okay and estimate a due date. I felt like my whole world had flipped upside down. I couldn’t possibly be pregnant; I was getting divorced from a man who never wanted to have children with me. I’d always wanted to be a Mom but not like this, not in a broken home. And any child deserved more than a broken mother. How had this happened anyway? I was on birth control and that was supposed to be like ninety-nine percent effective.

  “Emilyn, I realize you’re probably feeling a bit shocked. I am assuming your ex-husband is the father?” I nodded. “Well, maybe you should give him a call when this news settles in. In the meantime you need to make sure you’re getting plenty of rest, drink lots of fluids, and make sure that if you experience any extreme cramping or bleeding, you call right away.”

  I nodded again feeling at a loss for words. Then my head snapped up as suddenly remembered something. “Umm… Dr. Monroe?” He looked up at me. “I was in town not too long ago for a class reunion, and I may have had too much to drink. Could that have hurt the baby?” I might not be sure how I felt about being pregnant, but I hoped I hadn’t drowned it with alcohol!

  He gave me a slight smile, “I’m sure everything is fine. You haven’t shown any signs of miscarriage, and that early in pregnancy, you had no way of knowing. It happens to a lot of women. The first trimester can be nerve wracking. I’ll send you home with some information, and a prescription for prenatal vitamins. Check out with the receptionist before you leave so we can schedule to see you and nail down a due date.” He started to stand up to leave, “Oh and Emilyn, this is a good thing. I’m sure you’re having a hard time processing this information given your situation, but babies are a blessing. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.” With those parting words, he walked out.

  I gathered my things and walked back out to the reception to make a follow-up appointment and to get my STD test results. I had barely processed a thing. I knew what he’d said but it just wasn’t sinking in. I scheduled an appointment for the middle of the following week. I was struggling to get my head around the news. In addition to the birth control, West and I hardly ever had sex. I needed some convincing that this was true. I got in my car and drove to Walgreens. I went straight to the back to get my prescription and three different brands of pregnancy test. The cashier looked at me curiously but didn’t say anything, which was probably a good idea because I wasn’t sure how I would’ve reacted if she had.

  I didn’t know how I made it all the way back to Harper’s house. I walked in and went straight to the fridge to drink half a gallon of orange juice; hoping it would make me produce enough pee to practically fill the tub so I could take all these damn tests. Deciding it would be best to pee into a cup, I grabbed some disposable ones from the cupboard and went to the bathroom to do my business. About thirty minutes later I was sitting on the bathroom floor surrounded by pregnancy test wrappers, open instructions, and cups of pee on the counter and edge of the tub.

  Eight tests.

  Eight positive results.

  There was no denying I was pregnant. I had no idea what I was going to do. How was I supposed to tell West? He’d told me that he never wanted kids with me before I walked out, so how the hell would he take this news? Should I wait until I was out of the first trimester to call him? But, then the divorce would be over and I wouldn’t receive any child support. Did I even want child support? What if West decided that he wanted to be a part of the child’s life—or even worse—wanted custody?

  I’d been having so many conversations in my head that I jumped when Harper called out my name. How long had I been sitting there? I looked over my shoulder and saw it was dark outside. Picking up my phone, I saw that it was almost seven o’clock. I’d been in there for over three hours. When Harper came and stood in front of the bathroom door, her eyes widened in shock and her mouth dropped open.

  “Holy fuck,” was all she said, while she stood still looking around the room at all the pregnancy test paraphernalia. “Em, what is all of this?”

  I cleared my throat and simply said, “Well I went to the doctor today. I won’t find out the results of the STD tests until next week.” I laughed bitterly. “But the doctor found something else in my tests.” And I said no more. That’s when Harper made eye contact with me and I burst out crying.

  “Oh shit, honey it’s okay.” She dropped to the floor and held my head in her hands, hugging me against her chest while I clung to her and cried my eyes out.

  “It’s not okay Harper. What am I going to do with a baby? My life is a mess, and now I’m going to throw a child into the mix.” I chocked back a sob.

  She kissed the top of my head and pushed me away by my shoulders to look in to my eyes. “Your life is not a mess. You are climbing over a hurdle but you will move on from this. We’ll deal with it together. I’m not walking away from you. And even if we look like a couple of lesbos raising a baby together and all that hippy shit, then that’s what we’ll do.” I couldn’t help myself, I started laughing and Harper soon followed. How was it that she knew how to make me laugh when I felt like my life was on the brink of collapse? I was really fortunate to have Harper in my life. I loved her.

  When we settled down, I glanced around and felt the mood shift back to being serious. “I don’t know how I’m going to tell West, Harper. I have a feeling this isn’t going to go over well.”

  She sighed, knowing I was right. “Well, he doesn’t have much choice in the matter. We will call him in a couple of days. Do you have a due date?

  “I go in next week to find out.”

  “How about we call him together when you find all that out and if it becomes too much, I’ll take over the call?”

  “Okay.” The tears began to prick my eyes again, but I didn’t want to cry anymore. “Tell me something—anything—to help take my mind off of this.”

  “Anything?” She asked inquisitively. I couldn’t read her face.

  “Yes, please!”

  “Okay then. Well here’s something you didn’t know. I had sex with Kyler in high school.”

  I wasn’t expecting that. “What the fuck Harper?!”

  “What? You said anything? Plus you wanted to know what was going on between him and me at the reunion. Now you know” She said this all too casually.

  “I realize that, but why are you just now telling me this? Don’t you think you should have sai
d something about it oh I don’t know… in high school?!”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “I didn’t know what to say. It just sort of happened and I wanted to forget all about it.”

  “When?”

  “You remember when I stayed home from school after the triplet bitches took that stupid picture of me?” I nodded. “And you know that Kyler came over to my house to talk to me?” I nodded again. “Well it happened that afternoon.”

  “Jesus Harp. You should have told me. We’ve never kept secrets from each other.” She was looking down. “Wait. You’d never slept with anyone before. Did Kyler take your virginity?”

  She shrugged again. “Yeah, but it’s not a big deal. I don’t know why girls always make such a stink about their first time. It’s just sex.”

  I was getting the sense that it was a bigger deal than she was trying to make out. I’d known Harper far too long for her to be able to play something like this off, despite managing to hide this from me for all these years. “Did Kyler know it was your first time?”

  “Yeah, he was worried about hurting me. I knew he liked me and that night when he came over, we talked for a long time and we just clicked. He was nervous about taking my virginity because we weren’t even in a relationship. He tried to talk me into going out with him. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it and I thought it was the right time to hand in my V-card, so we did it. He wanted to do it again a few days after the first time but I told him it’d been a one-time deal.”

  I had a feeling this was so much more than just handing over her virginity to Kyler. “Did you like Ky back then?”

  “He was cute, but I didn’t want to date the guy that would sleep with every girl in school if he could.”

  “What about now?”