Shattered Heart

by Ann Stewart

  I go to speak and realize with utter astonishment that she isn’t done. Damn it, I need to get out of this car. If I didn’t think she would make some sort of spectacle outside of the car, I would leave.

  “What about his poor grandmother? All loony, she’d probably have to go into a state home. You’d be terrified to hear about some of the stories of what happens to women in those types of facilities. This story would not only damn the rest of her days here on Earth, but you’d break her heart once she found out about his past. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. What a shame.” She smiles a crooked smile while she runs her fingers across her cleavage, stopping to rub the bronze pendant on her necklace.

  “Then again, he could always return back to his roots. I’m sure his stamina is as strong as I remember. Am I right?” Arianna’s five seconds away from nudging me with her elbow and trying to share sexual details. You can practically see the hormones radiating off of her at the mere memory of being with Alex.

  I cover my face with my hands hoping to shut out some of the pain being served on a silver platter. “I already told you I’m not with him. What more do you want of me?” I mumble through my hands.

  “I need you to hold up your end of the bargain!” she erupts, slamming her hands against my dashboard as she inches closer to me. “I don’t want to hurt you, but you’re forcing my hand. I even went out of my way and brought a perfectly good replacement for you to fuck and get over your little infatuation with Alex.”

  Oliver.

  I’m so desperate for this conversation to end and cringe knowing the only way it will is if I molify the beast. And just like he’s been the glue that’s held me together, I’m about to use him some more. He’s my hail-Mary, my only option to get out of this situation. “I’ve already started spending time with Oliver,” I admit in defeat.

  Arianna pauses her rant and a Cheshire cat like smile spreads across her lips, causing my teeth to grind. She clasps her hands together in excitement. “That is incredible! I knew you two would hit it off. Of course, I’m not surprised at my matchmaking skills! Plus I heard he’s a stallion in the sack.” I really don’t want to stretch the truth any further about Oliver and I really don’t want to talk about sex with Arianna.

  This has gone too far.

  This conversation feels like a carnival ride. Up and down, round and round; one minute consumed with hatred and spouting off threats, the next relaying words of hope as if she is Mother Freaking Theresa. I don’t think my stomach can handle any more of this ride. “I really should be getting in. I don’t want to be late,” I mutter glumly, avoiding eye contact with her.

  She nods enthusiastically and opens the door and steps out. “Oh, and Elyssa…” She pops her head back inside. Turning, I look at her with an indifferent stare. “I’ll be watching you.” I shiver. Her final words hit me like a ton of bricks and I grab my chest as she slams my door shut.

  My nerves are shot as I rest my forehead against the steering wheel. I can’t seem to win. Even when I’m fighting against my own desires, I still end up on the losing end. I’m even more absolute in my decision to push Alex away.

  Note to self: Find a new parking space.

  ~~~~~

  “Ely? Hey, are you okay?” Janice’s sweet voice stirs me from my pity party. Wiping away my tears, I sit upright and plaster the fakest smile possible as I push away from my keyboard.

  “Just having a rough day. What’s up?” Rough day is putting it gently. I’m screwed. I realized that the second Arianna left my car, clutching my chest as if I was having a heart attack.

  She bites her cheek as she looks down at her shoes. “I was going to give you a guilt trip, but I can see this is probably not a good time.”

  “Guilt trip about what?” I look at her with confusion.

  “I miss my friend.” Janice glares in the opposite direction. “With your lunches occupied by Oliver and your evenings filled by Arianna, I haven’t seen much of you.” Following her eyes, I see a casually dressed Oliver buried deep in his computer screen, biting the end of his pen. I smile.

  “I’m sorry, Janice. Things have been off lately.” I’ve been off lately.

  “I know it hasn’t been easy since he left, but you need to kick this funk you’ve been in.”

  “I know, I know. I’m trying.” And, really I am. Maybe not the way I should be, but hey, I’m at work, aren’t I. Give me some credit; at least I’m trying to function. But, she’s right. And I do miss her and her positive nature. “How about we have lunch today?”

  The moment the words escape my lips, Janice beams with excitement. “Really?” her singsong voice rises to the highest octave possible. “I’ve wanted to talk to you about Kevin and…” When she starts her happy ramblings, my brain officially checks out. I love her, I really do, but I’m broken and can’t bear her sappy words. I nod and smile.

  “Hey Ely Bean, we on for lunch?” Oliver’s deep voice breaks Janice’s sputter of words as he leans over my cubicle wall. We both look at him, Janice scowling while I smile. He’s adorable with his light green eyes always showing his playfulness. It’s hard to imagine the stallion Arianna described. Not to say that he’s lacking in that department, but then again, it’s just hearsay. I think.

  “We were just discussing lunch,” Janice chimes in.

  Just as I’m about to cut the awkward building tension, I feel the hair on the back of my neck rise. “Where are we going for lunch?” Autumn pounces. She’s been lurking around Oliver enough the past few weeks, but hasn’t so much as peeped her toe near me. Can’t say she isn’t smart. I’ve put off a “don’t talk to me today” vibe for some time now. From what Oliver tells me, she’s just as relentless as he is. I’m sure he shared this information in an effort to get a rise out of me; unfortunately for him, my jealous trigger involves Alex. Not Autumn.

  Oliver leans over as he bites his bottom lip; his eyes moving from me to Janice, then to Autumn, and back. “Right…so, where are we going?”

  Moving her index finger between the two of us, Janice shows her feisty side, the one she doesn’t show too often. “WE are going out to eat. Sorry Autumn, can we do it another day? Elyssa and I need to discuss some personal things.” Autumn shrugs and backs away, but not before appreciating Oliver from the back, not really leaving the group.

  Oliver opens his mouth to plead his case with Janice, but looks at me with pleading eyes. “Oh come on, Janice. Can’t I tag along? I promise to be on my best behavior.” Oliver stands back with a pout. I giggle at his ridiculous attempt to win Janice over and at his obvious attempt to ignore Autumn as she stands, batting her long fake lashes at him.

  “You know she has a boyfriend, right? You think he would be happy about you making googly eyes at her all the time.” My eyes widen at Janice’s forwardness. Of course she knows about my relationship with Alex; however, she’s not quite up to date with the events that have transpired since he left. She knows nothing about how I’ve ignored his phone calls and texts or about my impromptu trip to New York. Dang. I really have been neglecting our friendship. The heaviness in my heart right now is probably the first sign that I should confide in her, even if it’s just little bit.

  To prove a point, Oliver leans towards us with a sly smile, “I guess you’ve been out of the loop, Janice. Ely’s…well, she’s not with him anymore. So no one should be upset about my googly eyes.” Oliver stands confidently, straightening his tie and brushing off imaginary lint from the lapel of his jacket. He looks handsome in his business digs, but they don’t suit him. He’s like a monkey in a suit; I fight the urge to throw a pair of jeans and a t-shirt at him daily.

  Janice’s mouth drops in shock as she quickly turns her head in my direction. I can see it in the way she’s looking at me, the full weight of what Oliver just spewed. Janice puts two and two together and correlates my moods from the past few weeks with my recent relationship status change.

  “WE are definitely having lunch alone today.” Janice glowers before huffing in Oliver’s direction
as she strides back to her desk.

  Normally Oliver’s smugness wouldn’t bother me, but right now I want to slap the smile right off his face. It’s irritating as I catch him watching Janice walk away. He really had no right to talk about my personal business. “She doesn’t like me very much, does she?”

  “She’s just being my friend and looking out for me. And, if you were doing the same, you would’ve kept your mouth shut.” Turning back to my computer I try to avoid any further conversations with him.

  “Well, she might not care for me, but I can see she’s a fan of your ex.” I turn my head in disbelief that he hasn’t walked away, and watch his mouth straighten into a thin line as he glances in Janice’s direction. “But it doesn’t matter anymore, right?” Oliver sighs in exasperation and pushes away from my cubicle wall.

  ~~~~~

  I miss you.

  Three uncomplicated words. Three words which cause an ache so deep inside me I feel like I’m having a heart attack. The last thing I expected to see adhered to my front door is a bright yellow Post-It note; let alone those seemingly three simple words written in Alex’s impeccable writing.

  Today has been a disaster. After getting nothing accomplished during my lunchtime talk with Janice, and trying to work through my dull afternoon, I was just starting to think I couldn’t feel any worse. But now? Now, I’m gutted. I used to be a breathing, tangible human being. But with seemingly simple words like I miss you, I’m a hollow shell of what I once was. He misses me…even after everything I’ve done to him, he misses me.

  While I twirl my phone over and over again in my hand, I fight the urge to call him. I know I’m doing the right thing by not, but that doesn’t mean I can’t pretend to talk to him while staring at his pictures in my phone. I removed the picture of us in San Diego as my screensaver, but I can’t bring myself to delete it completely. Its times like these when I need a reminder, a reminder of happier times.

  Without words, I stare at his dimply smile; the smile that makes this all worth it. So, for now I continue to fight the urge to call him because I know it would end badly. I’d end up pushing him away again after saying something awkward and completely contradictory. He has enough to worry about without having to deal with my inconsistencies.

  I walk to my cold, empty bed. I curl into a ball and soak in my sadness as I clutch my yellow post it to my chest. I miss you too, Alex. More than you’ll ever know.

  Saturday, November 17, 2012

  The shrill ring of my cell phone is not how I wanted to wake up on my Saturday morning. I’d finally fallen asleep somewhere between midnight and four a.m., not really keeping tabs on the time in between the tears and tossing and turning. With a groan, knowing that I haven’t had nearly enough sleep, I am seriously irritated when I see that it’s only six. But with the thought that something might be wrong, I peek over at my phone and nearly have a panic attack when I see a picture of Bryan flash across my screen.

  “Bryan…is everything okay? Is Rachel okay?” Answering the phone in a panic, it takes a minute before my breath finally catches up to me.

  “Calm down spaz, everything’s fine. But, you do need to wake the hell up. I’ll be there in twenty, so rise and shine, E.”

  What the… “Where in the world would we go at six in the morning, Bryan? I’m sleeping, so unless someone’s dying, don’t you dare come over here.” Rolling over, I pull my covers over my head.

  “If you aren’t dressed and ready to go by the time I get there, I will drag your ass out of bed.”

  “Bry-yan…” My last whining plead is discarded with the sound of nothingness when the line disconnects. I lie in bed contemplating, trying to argue and stomp my feet, but realize how useless that would be. Bryan would end up throwing me over his shoulder, kicking and screaming if he had to. But then it hits me. Maybe he needs my help with Rachel? Maybe something is wrong. No…he would have told me. Either way, those powerful thoughts are enough to kick my ass in gear. I’d do anything for my sister. Even deal with her relentless other half.

  Still, it is six in the morning, so as much as I would love to jump out of bed and be all perky, I am me and clearly still not a morning person. I don’t do perky. Instead, I pace myself and hesitantly get out of bed and head toward the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. After pulling my hair into a messy ponytail, I dress in some faded blue jeans and plain blue t-shirt.

  By the time Bryan arrives, entering through my door with a key I didn’t know he had (thanks Rach), I’m in the process of putting on my socks and shoes. His tall bulky frame casually stands in my doorway wearing a pair of baggy jeans and a graphic t-shirt.

  “Thank God you’re out of bed. I really didn’t wanna drag you, but I was ready for the fight.” And just to prove his point, his stance widens, arms pulled up close to his chest. Of course that doesn’t last long before he’s doubled over in a laughing fit, his auburn hair draped over to cover his face, hiding both of his reddened cheeks. “Ready to go?”

  “Where exactly are we going? Is Rach here?”

  Grabbing me by the elbow, he drags me to the front door. “Nope, it’s just the two of us, lil sis. Come on.”

  “Can we at least stop for coffee on our way to wherever it is you’re dragging me to?”

  “You won’t need coffee. The adrenaline will be enough to wake your ass up!”

  Oh shit. Adrenaline? Suddenly nervous, I ask, “What are we doing, Bryan?”

  “The boys wanted to go paintballing. Considering how moody you’ve been lately, I thought it might do you some good.”

  You’ve got to be joking. Paintball? In what world would he think I would like paintballing?

  Note to self: Get my key back from my sister.

  ~~~~~

  Apparently there’s a giant warehouse on the south end of town where all of the paintball junkies frequent. I’m quietly listening to Bryan inform me that “Plastered” is where he and his buddies go for their paintball excursions. Tuning him in and out as I stare out the window, I caught the tail end of how the business does quite well for itself and attracts enthusiasts from the neighboring states, mostly Utah and California. Personally, I’ve never understood the appeal. I’ve seen the welts and bruises on Bryan’s thighs and arms and if he thinks I’m willingly getting involved, he has another thing coming.

  Pulling up in front of the almost empty dirt parking lot, a large black Expedition pulls up next to us. As if on cue, all four doors open and four guys come bounding from the open doors. They’re all in their late twenties, early thirties, and they look just as excited as Bryan does. Oh, and did I mention they are all freaking hot. Shit. If I knew we’d be hanging with his extremely attractive friends, I may have put a little more effort this morning. Thanks for the heads up, big bro.

  I try to smooth my messy ponytail as Bryan puts his hand on my shoulder. “E, these are the guys.” Starting at the left, he points as he speaks “Sam, Josh, Travis, and Travis’ younger brother Trevor.” I give a small smile and a wave as all four men stand staring at me. “Guys, this is Rachel’s sister, E.” Giving a knowing glance over to Bryan and then back to me, I feel like I’m missing insider information. If I’m not mistaken, there was somewhat of a sympathetic look in their eyes. I feel like I’m the main attraction, like I’m supposed to perform a trick. It’s not an uncomfortable feeling, more so that they know more about me than I do about them. Great…

  Sam is shorter than the other three and must be the oldest of the group. He’s stocky with dark hair and his morning stubble is prominent against his olive skin. Josh is the same height as Bryan, 6’2’’, but much smaller in size. Although lanky, his lean muscles are obvious through his tight shirt and I’m immediately drawn to the tattoos peaking out of his sleeve. His spiky blonde hair and light blue eyes match his light skin tone and blindingly white smile.

  Travis and Trevor have similar features. Although Trevor looks to be the youngest, he’s bulkier than his brother and about an inch taller. Both men have dar
k brown hair; Travis has longer hair which is tied at the nape of his neck. I’ve never liked long hair on guys, but Travis definitely pulls it off. It might help that he’s built like a tank and dresses well. Even in fitted boot cut jeans and a tank top, he’s casual yet deliciously hot.

  Trevor shows his younger side with a short faux hawk and both of his ears are pierced. His flawless white teeth are the first thing I notice when he smiles as my eyes meet his. Trevor is the only one wearing a long sleeved shirt and cargo pants, and considering the chill in the morning air, I’m going to venture he’s the smartest. But, I’m definitely not going to clue him in to my observation. He seems to have enough cockiness to last a lifetime.

  With no signs of shyness, Trevor attaches himself to my side and puts his arm around my shoulders. “Fresh meat. The guys inside are going to have a field day with you. But, don’t worry your pretty little head off, I’ll protect you.” Like I said, enough to last a lifetime.

  Pulling me out of Trevor’s muscular arms, Travis drags me to stand between him and Bryan. “You can’t protect yourself, let alone E, dickhead. Let the men worry about her. The rest of you, just try not to let them light your asses up this time.”

  Punching his brother in the arm, Trevor attempts to defend himself, “Hey, I was sick last time and we still won.” There’s definite sibling rivalry, but underneath their brass exterior, you can’t miss the love while they chastise each other. It’s a nice and relaxing feeling to be around the brothers. Having an older sister, I didn’t have enough time to develop that competitiveness. She was my sister for what felt like moments before she was my mom; therefore our relationship will never be as easy as these two. But, I’m not complaining. Our relationship is rewarding in its own respect.

  Laughing and oddly quiet, Sam and Josh follow closely behind us as we head inside, almost like I’m being shielded. Entering the building, we immediately walk up thirty steps or so. When we do, I’m caught by the sheer size of this place. It’s huge and being this high up, we’re able to see the different obstacle courses spread across the vast space splattered in an array of different colors. Not gonna lie. It’s intimidating. With that thought, I cling to Bryan’s elbow. Obviously, he thinks it’s funny because all I can feel is his shoulder bouncing up and down.