Shattered Heart

by Ann Stewart

  The only item that makes it his own is a silver picture frame situated on his desk. It catches my eye because it’s the same photo from Nana’s room. I pick up the aged photo and stare into the eyes of a young Alex standing next to his beautiful grandmother at his college graduation. Tears prick my eyes remembering one of the last times I spent with her in her home. I made so many promises to her. I place the picture frame down and sigh. So many promises.

  “Hey, are you sure you’re okay?” Alex tilts his head, moving toward me.

  “Oh yah, sorry…just thinking. How is she?” I tilt my chin towards the picture of Nana beaming up at Alex while he captures her around the waist.

  “She’s improving. They don’t have her sedated anymore.” I nod with understanding.

  How hard must this be for him to not only to be back at work, but now having to stay late with me to catch up? It must be torturous not being able to be with her. “Hey listen…I know this is hard for you…if you just want to send me whatever files you need me to work, I can go back to my desk and send them to you when I’m done.”

  “You’re just dying to get away from me.” The ache in his voice is physically painful to hear. I’ve always seen him as such a strong and confident man, but I’ve broken him. Me. I did that. I made him doubt his self worth. I made him feel unwanted. “No, Alex, I’m not. To be this close to you...” I shake my head. I won’t finish that sentence. “I’m only trying to make this easier.

  Without another word, Alex nods in agreement. Coming closer, he hands me a stack of documents to review for approval. At the same time, he pulls a seat out for me, not giving me a chance to leave.

  Hours later I’m finally done. Needing the feel of a good stretch, I rub my eyes and push out my chair. I lift my hands above my head and instantly feel a cool breeze against my bare midriff as my blouse rides up. I knew I made a mistake. I hurry to pull it down, but blush when I notice Alex lifting his eyes from his computer, taking in my bare skin. A rush of heat sweeps across my body as I swallow past the nervous lump growing in my throat. His eyes remain focused; his blue irises burning into me as I anxiously fidget with the hem of my shirt.

  “What were you thinking about earlier?” His question surprises me, making my head snap up.

  “When?” I try to remain casual, knowing exactly what he’s talking about.

  A sly smirk spreads across his beautiful lips, his eyes lighting up with fervor. “When you came into my office earlier; you had that look in your eyes.”

  “A look in my eyes?” I can’t fight the playful grin that spreads across my lips. This is dangerous, Ely.

  Alex rises from his seat and saunters around his desk, sitting on the edge staring at me as he crosses his legs at his ankles. “The same look you had in your eyes when you saw me at the hotel in New York.”

  Heart and mind. Raging. Do I lie to him or tell him every ounce of truth that’s waiting to spill from my lips? What is there to say? Alex, I love you, but your crazy ex-girlfriend slash madam will ruin your life if we stay together. Yah, that will work wonders for our situation. But, then again, maybe Alex needs closure. Maybe that’s what we both need in order to move on.

  Who am I kidding? I’m very aware of my ever changing moods, and even more aware of how much I continuously contradict myself; one minute keeping secrets, then the next not having the energy to care about the consequences. I worry my bottom lip as I twirl my ring and stare at the ground trying to avoid his stare. “I was thinking of New York and the last time we were…together.”

  Pushing off his desk, Alex moves towards me, my eyes raise to watch him approach. I love the way he moves. The way his hips sway, sexual and dominating, sends images of him thrusting into me as I scream in pleasure. Earth to Ely…he’s right in front of you, why do you need to daydream?

  Reaching for me, he strums his fingers beginning at my forearms until both of his hands relax on the curve of my neck. Bringing me in closer, he rests his forehead against mine. Our breath ragged as we both adjust to the intimacy and let our eyes close. I would live and die for the peacefulness this moment has brought us.

  “I think about it every day. I’ve wondered countless times what would have happened if I hadn’t fallen asleep. If I had just stayed awake. If I just got to you thirty seconds earlier, I could have…” I open my eyes as his voice trails off, his eyes clutched tightly.

  Gripping his forearms, my chest tightens making it difficult to breathe. “Alex, don’t…” I whisper with a shaky voice.

  “I’m dying here Hart. Tell me what I have to do.” My eyes flutter closed as his fingers run along the length of my chin down my neck to rest on my chest. He doesn’t stop his reluctant perusal. I don’t either. His hands continue to travel down my breasts to my hips, resting on the small of my back, pulling me impossibly close.

  I gasp when all I can feel is his rock hard body pressed tightly against mine; his arousal nudging into my belly. It’s hard to refuse him when I want everything he wants; when I want him with every fiber of my being. With no space between us, Alex brushes his lips underneath my ear and places gentle kisses down the nape of my neck.

  I can’t breathe.

  My mind continues to fight against the inevitable; my body will always be the victor. The need I feel is so intense I have no choice but to give in. I feel a rush of release and immediately run my fingers through his hair, cradling him against my burning skin.

  “Alex…” I moan as a euphoric tingling spreads head to toe.

  “I want you, Elyssa…more than I’ve wanted anything. More than my next breath.” His lips move against my clavicle, his long fingers pushing the straps of my dress off my shoulders. My dress slowly cascades down my torso, pooling around my feet just as Alex lifts me and rests me on the edge of his desk and kneels before me. I drop my eyes and watch as he looks over the length of my body, stopping only to check out my black lacy bra and matching panties. “You’re fucking breathtaking,” he sighs.

  Nuzzling against my chest, he breathes me in before he eases me back, sprawling me over the top of his desk. My mind rages, attempting to take over. “Alex, what are we doing?” I pant, nothing more than a whisper coming from my lips. I want him so much, but I know this isn’t right. This is going to hurt. But, I can’t seem to stop. Nothing that feels this good should end.

  “Shhhhh...” His hands ghost over my body; down my bare shoulders, down my torso until his hands rest on my hips. “I want to remember you just (kiss) like (kiss) this (kiss).” His tongue explores my navel, as he dips into my belly button before continuing south. His lips whispers against my skin causing my back to arch. The approach to my aching core is painstakingly slow, leaving me breathless. “You’re like every business man’s wet dream in these thigh highs and fuck me heels spread across my desk.”

  Not having to ask, Alex pushes open my willing legs. Slowly, like he’s painting a picture in his mind, he pulls down my panties and puts them in his front pocket. “For later,” he says, giving me his sinful smirk while he places my legs over his shoulders. His hands run over the smooth material of my stockings, but never removing them as he focuses deeply on my already drenched core.

  “I’ve been craving you for weeks, dying to remember your taste on my tongue.” My body quivers as he grips my thighs, kissing his way up to my apex. I unravel when his thumb starts to massage me, my hand grasping his as he continues to sends shivers of ecstasy all over my body.

  “Alex,” I moan, panting through ragged breaths as I rub myself against his eager fingers.

  “Do you want me to stop?” His voice teases while he watches me squirm with pleasure with each circular motion of his thumb.

  “No, please don’t,” I beg. Reaching back, I grasp the edge of his desk. The sound of something plummeting against the floor doesn’t stop Alex’s efforts. “Sorry…fuck!” With another moan escaping my lips, I squeeze my eyes shut.

  I practically convulse in pleasure as Alex runs his tongue along my folds. My hips begin to g
yrate in unison; his tongue continuing to explore me thoroughly. My climax builds as I move my grip to Alex’s hair, holding him against me.

  Mind empty of all consequences, I relish only in the pleasure as I focus on Alex and having him this close to me. Part of the excitement is knowing that against all odds, we’re together. The rest is Alex, and how he makes me feel. The heartache is knowing that this is only temporary. Whatever pleasure we have will always be cut short, short of the forever we deserve.

  My body explodes. His hand barely clasps over my mouth to drown out my ecstasy. Almost instantaneously, the warmth of his mouth is replaced. The sound of his zipper is the last thing I remember before Alex plunges deep inside of me; deeper than he’s ever been. In a moment of sheer desperation, his body rolls against mine while his hands move frantically over my body, acting as if this is our last time together. But, instead of focusing on our inevitable separation, I decide to bask in this feeling. Sitting up, I run my fingers along his body, helping him out of his dress shirt. I need to feel his skin on mine. As Alex pumps into me, I desperately undo the remaining buttons and toss it to the floor. The sensation of him against my finger tips is addictive, and I can’t help but run my nails across his back before settling my hands on his firm ass, pulling him into me.

  “I love you…I’ve never stopped loving you…I never will.” Alex continues to thrust into me, whispering his adoration, pushing down my bra before taking my nipple into his mouth. I fight back the urge to confess my undying love for him, only able to grit my teeth as another climax builds. “I’ll never let you go. You’re mine. I’ll always find my way back to you.”

  Forcefully I hug Alex to me, listening to his appreciative groans when he finds his own release. Guilt washes over me as I let his words sink in. But, I can’t seem to let go. I know I’m not helping him by using his body like a yo-yo whenever I see fit. It’s not fair to either of us to continue to hold onto something that can’t be.

  Never leaving my body, Alex nuzzles against me and stills when he hears my soft sobs. Why can’t this be easier? Why can’t we just love each other and be happy? Why does everything in my life have to be so damn hard?!

  Alex leans up, searching my face at the same time his fingers run down my cheek, concern etched in every inch of his face. “Hart?”

  This is what it feels like to break down. “I keep doing this to you. You’re going to end up hating me.” With what little fight I have left in me, I push his body backwards and attempt to sit up. Of course, it would never be that easy. I don’t get far before he reaches over to bring me into an embrace. Before my heart can catch up to my brain, I refuse his gesture and push against him.

  Now that we aren’t in the throes of passion, I’m reminded of how wrong this was. How broken we really are. When I told him it wasn’t our time, I meant it. I stand and hurry to my tussled dress on the floor, my back to Alex.

  A zipper. That simple sound is my undoing. It means more than what it’s supposed to. It means finality. I bend down and pull my dress up past my hips; my body aches as I feel the remnants of our time together between my thighs. I place the straps back on my shoulders where they belong and search for my missing underwear. My search ends when I remember they are securely hidden inside his front pocket.

  “Elyssa, look at me. What’s going on?” He has every right to be confused. The problem is I’m weak; constantly giving into my emotions. It’s careless really, giving into my carnal need for him and ignoring the responsibility of keeping his heart safe. Inevitably I decided to torture him slowly. And in turn, torture myself.

  There is absolutely no way I can look at him. Instead, my eyes focus on my hands. “Nothing has changed, Alex. I knew this was a bad idea and yet...”

  “A bad idea? Did you just refer to us as an idea?” He gestures between us with his middle and forefinger. “No fuck that! Get this through your fucking head right now. This is the first real thing I’ve ever had in my life. This isn’t a game for me. You have me. You have all of me. I can’t take this teeter tottering bullshit anymore. One moment you are flying thousands of miles to be with me and then the next you’re running away in the middle of the night. One moment we are making love on my desk and the next minute you’re fucking crying. You’re tearing me apart.”

  Because I’m a sorry excuse for a person, I can only whisper, “I’m sorry, Alex.” I grab my purse and sweater and head for the door, but not before my way is blocked.

  “No. You are not running away again. I’m not sleeping. Don’t be a fucking coward!”

  “What?! What do you want me to say, Alex?” Out of sheer desperation, I raise my voice as I push against his chest. “You think I want someone who keeps me as their fucking secret? Has a past that creeps up at random moments? Someone who has anger issues that scare the living shit out of me? I never know where we stand or where I am with you,” I lie and immediately hate myself for throwing his past in his face.

  “You’re not my secret, Elyssa. Anyone can see how I feel about you with one look. I haven’t openly admitted that we’re dating to anyone other than Janice and Arianna, but I have no problem letting anyone know that you are mine,” he growls. "So, as far as where you stand…where you stand is here.” Alex reaches over taking my hand and places it over his heart. “This is where you are for me. This is what you are to me.”

  I retract slowly from his touch. I’m literally putty in his hands when he’s near. “When you left, a part of me died. I’m not going through that again.”

  I try to push past him, but once again Alex moves in my way. “I called you every day. I texted you at least three times a day for the first week. You never called me once or responded. What the fuck happened while I was gone?”

  Before I get a chance to respond, my ever present phone has a way of knowing when the most horrible time is to chime. Glancing at the screen, a picture of me and Oliver from the other night at the movies pops up. Shit. Shit. Shit. Why did I allow him to play with my phone?! Regardless of who was texting me I should have resisted looking down.

  Fuck. Me. This isn’t going to be good.

  Quickly, but without success, I try to shadow the scowl on my face. One minute my phone is safely nestled in my hand; the next Alex snatches it away from me.

  *Dinner?*

  I can physically feel the searing anger spread over his body, knuckles turning white as he grips my phone. His eyes shift their attention from the screen to my face and back to the screen. His glare is frightening. If it wasn’t for the fact we just made love, yes love, I would think he hated me.

  Holding up my phone, Alex turns my screen to face me. “What the fuck is this?”

  I steal the phone back and shove it into my pocket. “It’s nothing. He’s asking if I want to have dinner.”

  “Wrong answer. There are so many fucked up things about this situation. I can’t even begin to fucking think straight. There’s a fucking picture of the two of you on your phone and now,” he huffs, “Now, you guys are making dinner plans?”

  “Alex, it’s not what you think.” Lame answer, I know.

  “It’s not what I think?!” Mocking me, he throws his hands in the air as a nervous laugh breaks through his hardened face. “I’d love to hear how this is not what I think it is. He has his dirty hands all over you. Mother fucker! I’m going to…”

  “Alex…” I shake my head, bracing myself for whatever may come. “He didn’t have his hands all over me. He had his arm around my shoulders for the picture.”

  “So, what…are you with him now?” he asks, biting the anger from his voice. It’s a mix between sorrow, disappointment, and resentment.

  “We’re not together. We’re friends.”

  “Friends? That mother fucker comes around sniffing moments before I leave and the second I’m gone it’s as if we never happened. You made sure of that. So what…someone else was giving it to you, so I don’t matter anymore?”

  I’ll never fully understand why Alex places all of his self wort
h on his ability to pleasure women. There are so many other qualities that make him a good man. Not to add the fact that sleeping with someone else would never wipe away any memory of him.

  SLAP

  The moment my hand streaks across his face I feel guilt wash over me. I stand anxiously awaiting his reaction. Nothing. He says nothing. He does nothing. His stare washes over me, almost as if I’m not here.

  I honestly don’t know what just happened. I’ve only ever slapped one other person before. The shame of hitting my best friend Cole was overwhelming; I never thought I’d do it again. Yet here I am. But, instead of being a big girl and staying to apologize, I freak the fuck out and rush past him like a lightning bolt through his door.

  CHAPTER 4

  Tuesday, November 20, 2012

  I’ve worked hard enough in the past few weeks to know that if I leave early from work, even after the ruthless meeting with Alex, I won’t get in trouble. What meeting, you ask? The Sales Executives were called for an impromptu ass chewing for the faltering sales revenue. I’m still sore from the verbal spanking we got. Like we can make people buy insurance. I know it’s our job, but doesn’t he know we can only do so much. Alex made it sound that if he never went to New York then the numbers wouldn’t be where they are. As if his sheer presence would solve world hunger.

  I figured after slapping Alex last night over a mixture of too many emotions, Alex’s rant during our meeting just solidified my decision. There is too much drama in my life and I need another me day. So today, I will be making the best of it and playing hooky. Now, I just have to make sure Nana’s alone.

  Luckily, when I arrive at the hospital Nana is wide awake sitting up in her bed watching television. Unfortunately, my eyes tear up when I take in her full appearance. In her large hospital bed she looks smaller than usual. One fragile wrist is wrapped in the paper bracelet that bears her identification; the IV tube in her other wrist appears to weigh down her already tiny arms. She sighs in frustration as she tries to scoop red Jell-O with a shaky hand.