Shattered Heart

by Ann Stewart

  My attention turns to Alex, both hands touching the top of the archway, body leaning into the room. His shirt is untucked and when he stretches his torso, his shirt rides up just enough to show off his taut upper body which takes up the entire entry. The muscles of his abdomen contracts making my mouth water with want. Is it healthy for me to ogle my ex-boyfriend, because damn, he looks…lick-able.

  Sensing the energy shift, Trevor chimes back in with a wink, “I brought Ely up to speed about the Ladies Night at the club. She agreed to party it up and bring all of her girlfriends. Right?” I nod.

  Thanks Trevor. Go ahead and tell my crazy jealous ex about the possibility of another guy even talking to me. I’m sure he’s going to jump for joy at this news.

  Just as I thought, Alex doesn’t seem happy at all. His jaw clenches while his now beady blue eyes shoot daggers at Trevor. “Hey man, it’s just a night out. No biggie,” Trevor tries to calm the storm raging inside Alex.

  Without skipping a beat, Alex walks towards me. His eyes rest on my legs longer than they should, shutting everyone else in the room out and making me pant with need. His deep penetrating stare set off my quivering body. Lucky for me, my sister is a genius and must sense the awkward moment and suggests for the boys to join her in the kitchen to assist her in “cleaning up.” And when I say awkward, I mean for them, not us.

  “You leaving?” Alex asks, stepping one foot closer.

  I nod only slightly, “I’m not feeling well and I need to drop Oliver off at his house.”

  “There has to be a bus route somewhere around here,” he smirks, taking another step closer to me.

  Our bodies are practically conjoined as he reaches up and brushes his fingers over my chin, tilting my head even farther back so we don’t lose the connection. I don’t know what he wants me to say, but I have to make sure he knows. “There’s nothing going on, Alex.”

  “I’m trying to be level headed about this. I really am. I just hate that fucker.” I giggle out of sheer frustration and Alex finally flashes his dimpled cheeks. He brushes his thumb over my face. “Do I get a hug goodbye or are hugs only for perverts like Trevor?”

  Reaching up, I place my hands around his neck while he reaches down and wraps his arms around my waist, lifting me up into a tight embrace. He runs his nose along the length of my neck starting below my ear and down to my clavicle, sending shivers throughout my entire body. I sigh in reaction as my body conforms to his.

  “So, its okay for Trevor to hug me but you can’t stand me giving Oliver a ride home?” I mumble against his shoulder, trying to lighten the situation. Alex still has his arms wrapped around me, but I feel him tense at Oliver’s name.

  “I never said it was okay. But there is a difference between Trevor and Oliver. Trevor knows you’re mine. Oliver just doesn’t care.”

  I purse my lips and close my eyes. He still calls me his. “Happy Thanksgiving, Alex,” I whisper and place a sweet kiss over his dimple before pushing against his chest, breaking our embrace.

  He frowns as he lets me go. “Happy Thanksgiving, Hart.”

  ~~~~~

  When I pull up to his apartment, Oliver blurts out the question I know he’s been harboring since we left Rachel’s. “Why do you let him treat you like he owns you?”

  “Why do you act like it’s a damn pissing contest every time I’m around?” That came out a little more bitchy than I intended.

  “If you only knew.” Oliver rests his head against the back of the seat as he gazes out the window. I turn in my seat, letting the car idle while giving him my full attention.

  “Okay, so make me understand.”

  “I’m guessing Alex never told you the full story as to why we aren’t the best of friends.” He looks at me and I shake my head in denial. What Alex did tell me about Oliver was that he was egotistical, always needing the attention of every female and of course them pursuing the same job at the same time. Alex, of course, got the position. “So I’m guessing he didn’t tell you that he fucked my fiancée?

  My mouth drops open in shock. I don’t even know if I shook my head, but I’m guessing by the look on my face, he got his answer.

  “Of course not! Why would he? I like how he leaves out the gruesome details so he doesn’t look like such an asshole.” I stare at him while his words sink in.

  “What? When?” Trust me, I’m not shocked that Alex has possibly slept with women who are either married or engaged. I wouldn’t put it past his, well, past. But, what has shocked me is that Oliver’s fiancée would cheat on him. Why would she? If you had someone as good and pure as Oliver, you just shouldn’t cheat. Period.

  “It was a few years back. During the first conference I ever attended. Stupid me, I brought her with me. While I had dinner with clients, she decided to grab a drink at the bar.” Oliver visibly shivers, brows pulling together as he continues to stare out the window at the vacant lot next to his complex. “Dinner ran a little later than expected and when I was done and couldn’t find her, I figured she went back to the room. I headed back and unfortunately that’s when I saw her. She was leaving his room, kissing him as he helped her zip up her dress before he closed the door.”

  “What happened?” I urge him to continue.

  “She looked at me like I had three testicles and then started crying about how I cared more about my job than her. Spouting off stupid shit about her needs and…and, I don’t remember everything. I just remember going to our room, which was right next door to his by the way. I grabbed her shit, tossed it into the hallway.”

  “So ever since then…”

  “I’ve hated him,” Oliver’s voice trails off. His confession leaves me with a deeper understanding at what I thought was an imaginary competition between the two men. Due to Oliver’s ex’s infidelity, he finds a need to top Alex in something. Anything. I just happen to be the anything at the moment. “He represents everything I loathe. The fact you let him treat you…”

  “Alex isn’t that guy anymore, Oliver…” I mutter so low I’m surprised when he hears me, cutting me off.

  “Don’t, Ely…just don’t.” He stops me before I start to defend Alex. “He shouldn’t have left you.”

  “What?” My voice rises in surprise. Of all people Oliver should understand Alex’s obligations to the company. Business trips are frequent and it would have been Oliver if he got the job. Alex had no other option but to go, regardless of how much I didn’t want it.

  “For New York…he shouldn’t have left you. That’s his mistake. My benefit, but it will always be his mistake.”

  “Oliver, we aren’t…” My voice trails off before he interrupts me, again.

  “Seriously Elyssa, don’t deny whatever was between you guys. I saw it in San Diego, I saw it when I first came to Vegas, and I definitely saw it tonight. The way he looks at you…” I nod my head, refusing to try to convince him otherwise.

  Before the next thought comes out, my body is rocked with fear. Arianna. “Please don’t say anything!” I plead with knowing consequences. “Please, Oliver…no one at work can know.”

  “I’m not going to. I would rather win you fair and square. Not by forcing you to not be with him.”

  “I was serious earlier, Oliver. I’m not a prize in this competition between you two.”

  “I’ll admit it, at first I wanted him to know how it felt to have someone take what was his, but now…now I just want you because I want you. Not because he wants you, but because,” he pauses, “You make me feel again.”

  I shake my head when he takes my hand. “Oliver, I wasn’t lying when I told you that I’m not ready.” Especially not after tonight’s chain of untimely events.

  “I’m patient, Elyssa. We can take it as slow as you need to go.” With his eyes slinking down to my lips I know exactly what he’s thinking. About what he’s about to do. This is the last thing I need right now.

  I take the opportunity to nudge Oliver back into the friendship zone. “I think this is the part of the eveni
ng where we say goodnight.” More than anything right now I need a friend. I’m just praying he doesn’t make the horrid move and make this awkward between us.

  Pulling the handle, Oliver places one foot out the door before turning around. “Goodnight, Ely.” He hesitates, but eventually gets out and heads up the walkway.

  Note to self…Go to the damn drug store and stop stressing.

  CHAPTER 7

  Patience is definitely a virtue, just not one of mine. Sitting on the rim of my tub, knees bobbing up and down, I’m on edge. It feels as if my heart is going to pound out of my chest and walk out the bathroom door. Catching the glare of my watch, I see that only fifteen seconds have passed since I urinated on the plastic stick. You know…the one that will determine the rest of my life.

  To keep myself busy, I lower to the floor and pull out the directions and scan the paper. Honestly, could this be any more confusing? It’s like I’m reading a foreign language. Nope, that’s on the back. How do you read this damn thing? And why the hell didn’t I buy the digital test? Ugh! All I want to know is what symbol I’m looking for. This should be in circles, underlined with blinking lights surrounding it. Ah ha! Found it! Two minus signs…got it! Come on minus signs.

  Waiting impatiently, I rest my cheek against my forearm and glance at my watch again. One minute, forty-five seconds. Come on minus signs. I cross my fingers as I silently repeat my wishes over and over again. I think the manufacturer does this on purpose; making people wait in suspense.

  I take the last minute and fifteen seconds to imagine a different outcome; one where Alex and I planned on having a baby. I envision the smile on my face, the tears flowing freely, but they would be tears of joy. We’d both be in this bathroom, Alex’s smooth muscular arms around me, resting his hands on my belly with all the hopes and dreams of a new father.

  The problem with using your imagination is that reality is usually far from it. My reality sucks. In my reality, I’m alone. All I have is me, myself and I.

  Ten more seconds was all it took before my future flashed before my eyes. Two windows display: one straight line and one positive sign. Fuck my life! I shake my head in denial and cry. God, what have I done?! Not only have I ruined Alex and broke his heart, now I’ve gotten myself knocked up. Now I’ve ruined three people’s lives; well technically two and a half since the baby isn’t here yet, but give me time. I’m a natural fucking disaster. I wonder if the weather service issues warnings for Elyssa storms. If so, Alex most definitely didn’t get the memo the day I walked into his life.

  Deep sobs escape my lips. My body rocks as I hug my knees tightly to my chest and let my head fall back against the rim of the tub. The only comfort is the cool tile below me. In all honesty, it’s the only thing keeping me from heaving into the porcelain bowl next to me. My body shakes uncontrollably as the initial shock wears off.

  My thoughts go back to a previous conversation we had about children. “You not telling Cole about being pregnant…I need to know you would never do that to me…if something happened, I would always want you to talk to me. You can’t just freak out and take matters into your own hands. I have to be included in the decision; we’re in this together.”

  But how? How could this possibly work? Arianna hasn’t dropped dead. She knows everything; even before it happens. She should get her own 900 number and open up her own psychic hotline at the rate she’s going.

  Alex would end up losing his career and we’d have what? Each other? Okay, sure, that would be nice. But we can’t live off of our love. Love isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It doesn’t feed a baby and it definitely doesn’t put a roof over your head.

  No. I made him a promise. Even though I’ve done a lot of shitty things in the past month, I won’t deny him like I denied Cole. I won’t go through that guilt and pain when he eventually finds out.

  Sitting up straighter, my fingers fumble across the touch screen as I dial Alex’s number. Panic sets in after the first ring. I have no clue what to tell him; I probably should have prepared a speech or something. How can I explain this without telling him everything? He’s going to think I regret it, which is the exact opposite. I don’t regret him or anything we’ve experienced together. I just wish that Doc Brown could pull up in his Delorian and take me back to the moment of conception and remind me that I didn’t get my shot and tell me to wrap it up.

  Apparently I’m not as put together as I once was. What happened to the strong, independent girl I used to be? I’ll tell you what happened…Alexander Motherfucking James happened. He’s thrown my life into a whirlwind since the moment I met him.

  His voice comes through the receiver and my tongue ties in knots, tears pouring out of my eyes.

  “Hart?” He sounds worried as I choke on my sobs.

  Silence.

  “Elyssa?” He softens his voice hoping to coddle a response out of me.

  Sob. Sniffle. Sob.

  “Elyssa, talk to me. What’s wrong?”

  I can only imagine what he’s thinking. I just left with Oliver not that long ago and he thinks Oliver is some demented pervert. He probably thinks Oliver has me locked up in a basement somewhere asking me to place lotion on my skin and threatening me with a hose. Highly unlikely since houses in Vegas don’t have basements. I know I know, my thoughts are not rational right now. Can you blame me?

  Unfortunately, my cries have turned into an uncontrollable weeping. In my state, even I can tell he’s driving and occasionally I hear Alex on the other end flicking his turn signal followed by the roar of his engine. That’s weird. I would have thought he’d be home by now.

  This has to be the most awkward conversation in the history of conversations. My silent cries on one end of the receiver while Alex remains completely silent on the other end. Stop being a coward and tell him, Ely. Bite the bullet and get it over with.

  “Alex…” my voice strains.

  Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock! Knock!

  The sound of reverberation on the door is a fading echo; I can hear it through the phone and my apartment. In a moment of silent shock, I take the receiver away from my ear and listen intently for my front door. Shit, this can’t be happening.

  Bang! Bang! Bang!

  “Alex…” and then the receiver went dead. Again with the incessant knocking, progressively getting louder. I can’t believe he’s here. Oh shit, he can’t find out this way. I scramble around the bathroom throwing the Walgreens plastic bag along with the box, directions and devil stick under my sink.

  The abrupt sound of the front door opening and closing motivates my body into motion. Pushing myself from the floor I glance in the mirror. My eyes are puffy, nose red and my hair is a mess. Ugh. With a sigh, I head to the living room. Alex freezes the moment our eyes meet. He looks tired, and yet still flawless, which makes this even more gut wrenching. I literally feel as if I’m being choked from the inside. My breathing is short as my body starts to tremble again.

  With a look of worry, he inches towards me. Eyes fixed on my tear soaked face he slowly extends his arms waiting for me to make the next move. I know with everything in my being that this is wrong, but I can’t deny that I need the comfort of his arms. He shouldn’t have come here, but thank God he has. I don’t know if I’m able to get through this night on my own. I shuffle towards him with my hands covering my face. Bridging the gap, he reaches forward and pulls me into his arms. I bury my face into his chest, legs giving out as tears take over.

  “Shhh…” His voice is soothing and the rumble from his chest is a lullaby that I could listen to on repeat for the rest of my life. “It’s okay,” he repeats over and over while his hand brushes over my hair before running up and down the length of my spine. Just being close to him, listening to his heartbeat, inhaling his scent, makes the world disappear.

  In my idyllic world this wouldn’t be happening. We’d still be together and the time apart would have been nothing more than a business trip. In my ideal world, I would have surprised him with a pictu
re of an ultrasound and we’d make love all night in celebration. Because even though I know we didn’t expect this, we’d be able to handle this together. In my perfect world, we’d spoil the hell out of our baby and spend forever loving our perfect little family.

  But I don’t have a perfect world. My existence is this painful reality. No, instead I’m here, a big, sloppy, blubbering mess with Alex. He’s the only thing holding me together. He’s the only reason I’m not lying on the floor of the bathroom waiting for the world to crumble on top of me.

  What chaos this baby must feel being inside me. I’m sorry little one. Why couldn’t you have waited awhile longer before coming into this world? Your Mommy and Daddy just don’t have things quite figured out yet.

  Alex’s hold is constant, no matter how many tears I shed or how many sobs are muffled by the muscles of his chest. Finally, when I’ve run out of tears, I risk titling my head back. He still has that look of worry, but he attempts a small smile and begins to brush the hair away from my face. How can he even look at me? I know I’m a mess with my red face and snotty nose. If I were him, I’d be questioning why he was even attracted to me in the first place.

  “You okay now?” he asks, his hands continue to push back my hair and stroke my cheek.

  No. It takes every ounce of strength I have left to nod.

  “You gonna tell me what’s wrong?” I try to look away but Alex grabs my chin and forces me to meet his gaze. I shake my head, still unable to speak. I’m worried that the second I open my mouth I’ll vomit the fact that I’m pregnant.

  His brows furrow but his hands continue to soothe me as they move from my face to the nape of my neck. My heavy eyelids close with the touch of his fingers strumming over my skin. Alex holds me like I’m fragile, like he’s afraid he’s going to break me. “Do you want me to leave?”

  I shake my head, eyes widening at the thought, which is probably one of the most honest reactions I’ve had towards him since…well, since dinner. My brain knows that I’m supposed to fight my feelings for him. I know I’m supposed to push him away so we can avoid confusing this matter further. It’s been hard enough asking Alex for distance when I want nothing more than to keep him near. But my heart is desperate to have him close. My body desires his warmth and our unborn child deserves to have some moments of peace in this chaotic body.