Shattered Heart

by Ann Stewart

  His words light a fire in the already existing slow burn I feel inside me. I pull him up my body and again, I capture his mouth with mine. I move my hands desperately over the smooth skin of his biceps and then over the length of his body. I can’t get close enough; I need to feel him on me, in me, everywhere. My fingers run through the strands of his already tousled hair before clasping tightly and pulling with need.

  His hands caress my aching breasts through the cotton of my shirt. His fingers run over my nipples teasingly, they harden against his touch. I whimper and rub myself against his burgeoning length. There’s too much between us. Even if it’s just the cotton material of my yoga pants and the denim of his jeans, there’s just too much between us.

  “God Ely, I’ve wanted you for so long.” The lips that continue to move against mine feel different. Not entirely unpleasant, just different. His tongue caresses mine and the feeling is foreign compared to moments ago. The voice I hear is familiar, yet not the one I had longed to hear.

  “I love you, Alex.” His body stills at my words.

  As if I’m coming out of a fog that’s finally being lifted, my head feels groggy. With my eyes still closed, I take a deep breath, releasing on a sigh. When the haze lifts, I realize the eyes focused on me aren’t blue. They are green and they belong to Oliver.

  And he is seething mad.

  Oliver moves me from his lap and I scramble to the other side of the couch. It’s then that I remember where I’m at and it hits me. Hard. And my heart breaks. Alex was nothing but a dream.

  Now, not only am I left devastated because my reason for being is still hundreds of miles away, it’s as if I’ve lost my friend. Oliver. The one who I’ve leaned on for support is looking at me as if I’ve killed something inside of him. I know I have, because I felt it, too.

  I bring my hands to my swollen lips, still able to taste him on my tongue. “Oliver…Oh my God, I’m sorry.” My voice trembles.

  He’s pacing the floor in front of me; his hands are resting on his neck. I can see the tension in his biceps as his shirt clings to his muscles. “Oh, now you remember my name?”

  “I-I-I was dreaming,” I try to explain, but my words seem to only make the situation worse. His eyes widen in realization and I’m left scrambling for what to say.

  “Fuck me!” he screams. I search around his parents’ living room, waiting for someone to come rushing in with concern, but it never happens. “You,” he points to me, shaking his head. “I was being the good guy. I was just trying to calm you down and hold you until you stopped crying. But you…ARRGH!” In frustration, he screams again. “You kissed me first.”

  I shake my head. I didn’t kiss him. I was kissing Alex or at least I thought I was. “I’m sorry, Oliver. I was dreaming.”

  “You were dreaming of him. You were dreaming of kissing him, weren’t you?”

  I nod my head and wrap my arms around myself. Seriously, nothing I say is going to make this situation any better. I’m only going to hurt him even more if I lie.

  “The one moment where I finally think we are making progress…you completely regress and….you said his fucking name. You said his name while I was kissing you.” I can see the hurt in his eyes as he goes to sit in the chair across from me. To cover his crushed expression, his head bows, shoulders slump over while he rests his elbows on his knees. I don’t want him to hide from me. It’s me who should be cowering, not him. Not Oliver.

  I stand and slowly walk to him, careful at my approach. I reach out a hand, hoping to comfort my wounded friend, but when my fingers graze against the skin of his forearm, Oliver recoils. It’s as if my touch hurts him, burning his skin.

  He refuses to look at me, yet simply states, “Don’t Elyssa.” I can hear the hurt from my rejection in his voice.

  “Oliver, I care for you. I honestly do, but I’m just…” I want to try and explain that my feelings for him are real; they’re just not as deep rooted as my feelings for Alex. Alex is wrapped around my soul, crushing me every second I’m apart from him. How do I explain to Oliver that even though Alex has imprisoned my heart, he is the oxygen that keeps me alive, that he keeps me from spiraling into a dark oblivion?

  “Just go to bed. We’ll leave first thing in the morning.”

  My knees feel weak and I hesitate in hopes he’ll realize that I didn’t hurt him intentionally. I want to tell him everything. I want to tell him that although Alex is a constant beacon of light in my ever growing bleak world; that he is my shelter. He took me in and cared for me when I needed someone. He has kept me safe from the shit storm that is my life.

  Instead, my words pale in comparison to what I really need to say. “I’m sorry, Oliver. I’m so, so sorry.” I turn and walk down the hall to the guest bedroom. It’s not until I hear the door close behind me that I break down into sobs. What have I done? I crawl to the bed, lifting my body and pull the pillows tighter against me. What have I done?

  Sunday, December 16, 2012

  “Get up.” The mattress jostles underneath me and I jolt awake in panic. I search the room and find Oliver standing at the foot of the bed. Dark circles rim his eyes. He’s wearing the same clothes I left him in last night as he clings to a ceramic mug, looking at me with such disdain that I can practically feel his eyes scorching my skin. “We leave in thirty.” He turns and leaves the room. Well, at least he didn’t slam the door.

  I shower and shove the few pieces of clothing I brought with me inside my duffle bag before carrying it out into the living room. Oliver’s Mom see’s me and with a bout of sympathy, she gives me a small smile. I wonder how aware she is of our argument. By the looks of it, she knows I broke her son’s heart. Quickly scurrying over, she wraps her arms around me and squeezes me tight. She surprises me, considering Oliver is standing less than twenty feet away.

  “I wish you guys could stay longer,” she whispers in my ear. “He cares about you. You know that, right?” She pulls away slightly to look me in the eyes. I nod my head. I know her son cares for me and I know this life he has would be easy to fall in love with. The problem is, is it fair to love the ease of his life and the comfort of his affectionate family without actually being in love with the man?

  “Drive safely, son.” Oliver’s Dad pats him on the back, bringing him in for a tight hug. Oliver nods and picks up his little boy who has been clutching the leg of his jeans the entire time we’ve been in the room.

  “You, little man, be good for Grandma and Grandpa, okay?” Oliver looks over Mason’s little face, etched with sadness. “I’ll be back in a few days, I promise.” Mason nods, still not saying anything. “You’re such a big man already; you make me proud every day.”

  Oliver kisses Mason on his forehead before setting him down. Immediately Mason races over to me with tears in his eyes. My heart breaks for this little boy and I can’t help but feel responsible for taking him away from his Dad earlier than necessary. We could have left tonight, but Oliver can’t seem to get away from me soon enough.

  I kneel in front of Mason and study his saddened face. Even though he shares his mother’s features, he looks so much like Oliver. But, it’s those eyes that do me in. He has the same emerald color as his father and they speak to me the same way Oliver’s do.

  “It was nice meeting you, Mason.” I reach out my hand to shake his, but instead he jumps into my arms and wraps his small hands around my neck.

  When he speaks, his voice is muffled against my shoulder, “Will you come back and see me?”

  With his arms still around my neck, I’m able to look over Mason’s little shoulder at his Dad. He’s no longer looking at me with hate in his eyes. No, now it’s worse. His eyes show what his words can’t, and I can only imagine what he’s thinking while his son is wrapped in my arms. It’s as if I crushed a dream of what he pictured for his future.

  “I hope so.”

  “My Dad told me he wants to share his bubblegum with you.” He’s crying now. I pull him back, brushing the tears away from his c
heeks.

  “Did he?” I look up at Oliver gritting his teeth, holding back his own emotions. “Can I tell you a secret?” Mason nods as his tears slowly stop falling. “Your Dad, he’s probably one of the strongest, most handsome men I know and I hope when you grow up you’re just like him. Because whatever girl you decide to share your bubblegum with will be the luckiest girl in the world.”

  Mason flashes me a toothy grin, wiping the last of his tears away with the back of his hand. “You listen to your grandparents.” I kiss him on top of his unruly hair and stand, letting him run back to his grandparents.

  I look at Oliver and for a moment his face softens and I see my friend. But as soon as Mason is back with his grandparents, he waves goodbye to his son and walks out, setting his aviator sunglasses on his nose before stepping into the morning California sun. Just like that, his cool demeanor returns and I know we’re in for a long, quiet ride home.

  ~~~~~

  We just passed Barstow and my bladder is begging for Oliver to stop. I was hoping he would’ve pulled over for gas by now, but he seems dead set on getting home as soon as possible. I’ve tried a dozen times to talk to him, but my words seem to fail me and never come out. I don’t want us to go back to Vegas with this wall between us. He’s my friend and although he’s blurred the lines on several occasions, I’ve always leaned on him for strength when I needed it. Maybe that’s the problem; I’ve depended on him to pull me through the darkness when all he’s ever wanted was to be my light. But he’s never been my light, my reason. He’s just been the safety net who’s been there to catch me when I fall.

  I’m desperate to let him know what I think of him, to let him know how I feel. But how? It’s then that I notice the IPhone charger sitting between us. I connect it to my phone and search through my playlist until I find the perfect one. This has to work. Oliver doesn’t look at me, he doesn’t even acknowledge me. But when Near to You by A Fine Frenzy comes through his speakers I can see the tension of his body ease.

  While she sings about how being near to someone heals the hurt inside, I watch as Oliver listens intently. The song describes how, although her heart is broken by another, she feels better when he’s near. The same as I feel for Oliver. Being around him is like Novocain; he eases my pain. The lyrics explain how her love is gone and although he’s there, it’s hard to let herself love him. Or, even how to love again.

  Towards the middle of the song Oliver reaches over and takes my hand in his.

  I hope he understands that the choice between him and Alex was never a choice. That my heart chose Alex the moment I laid eyes on him. That I was ruined for every other man way before Oliver even came into the picture. That he never had a chance because by the time he came barging into my life, my heart was already fated to another.

  When the song is over and another one begins, Oliver takes his chance and tries to explain his reaction. “I kept thinking last night you were the same as Melanie; another attention whore who wanted me to continually pine after you.”

  “Oliver…”

  “Just let me get this out,” he pleads. I nod. “I’ve been thinking about it all night and although I don’t like it, nor do I agree with it, I can’t compete anymore. I know you love him. I’ve never loved someone that much, well except for Mason. But, I guess I get it.

  “I love Mason with my life. I’d do anything for him and although the relationship between us is different than your relationship with Alex, it’s the only way I can even try to put myself in your shoes. Being away from Mason breaks me…daily. Even though I know I’m making the right decision by making a life for us in Vegas, I feel responsible for hurting him every time I leave. The distance between us is my fault. I know I’m doing it for our future, but he doesn’t. Not yet at least. So that pain, the pain I feel deep in my gut, it’s the closest I can come to understanding.”

  I look out the window, tears streaming down my cheeks. God, if he only knew. “I’m pregnant, Oliver.” I turn to face him and understanding finally sinks in as he looks between the road ahead of us and me. “Alex knows, but I lied to him.”

  “What? You lied about what?”

  “I told him about the baby. And Oliver, he was elated; over the moon, excited. But, then something happened and reality struck and I realized he’s better off without me. So, I did the unthinkable and lied to him. I told him the baby wasn’t his.” I try to explain through my sobs, but as each second passes, my chest aches with the comprehension of what I’ve done. He covers his gasp and in true Oliver fashion, he empathizes. But not with me this time; with Alex.

  “Ely…that will kill him.” He shakes his head. “I can’t imagine. No, you know what? I can,” Oliver’s voice trails off.

  “That’s why you left? Why you came to San Diego isn’t it?”

  “I needed him to finally give up. If not for me, for himself. We aren’t good for each other. So you see….I’m putting distance between us for his own good. But it doesn’t mean I don’t love him. I do, which is why I can’t do that to you. It’s not fair to give you only a portion of me. My body, that’s all I have left because my hearts with him.”

  Always will be.

  Oliver nods in understanding and grips my hand tighter. I rest my head against the door, allowing the tears to fall. We drive like this until we get closer to Baker.

  “How about we stop and get something to eat?” he asks, with a squeeze to my hand.

  I nod and finally feel at peace. I know this isn’t where Oliver wants us to be. But, knowing he’s willing to be in my life, with the understanding that I’m half the woman he thought I was, makes me feel closer to him than I ever have before.

  CHAPTER 21

  Monday, December 17, 2012

  Remind me to never take a week off from work again! I had over 400 emails, a training class to attend, and at least two dozen voicemails to cipher through. I expected Maggie to be pissed over my absence, but instead in Maggie fashion she gave me a friendly hug and welcomed me back. I must say it does feel nice to be back, especially after clearing the air with Oliver. There are no more expectations, no more innuendos, and no more decisions to be made.

  Although Oliver doesn’t agree with me keeping Alex in the dark, he agreed to not say anything. I will say that he made every attempt at convincing me on our way home to tell Alex. Describing the moments where he fell in love with his son; moments that I’ll inevitably steal from Alex.

  Knowing my pending workload I should have expected to leave later than usual. It’s dark and even I know I shouldn’t be walking out to the parking lot alone. But, when you leave the office and it’s already past seven, what choice do you really have? None. Not even old Mr. Hodges is around to escort me. So, like a good Girl Scout, I have my keys ready as I approach the third floor. Since my last run in with Arianna, I’ve made it a habit to park somewhere visible and closest to the elevator as possible. Even though the parking garage is lit, there’s an increasingly eerie feeling that I just can’t kick. I know it’s stupid, but I feel like someone is watching me. Something I’ve felt over the past few weeks. And as I approach my car, I find it’s for good reason.

  It’s at the moment I click the button to unlock my car when I see a figure move out from the shadows. Wearing a knee length tan trench coat, I’m unable to see his face and I start to panic. It only takes a minute and probably a hundred short, deep breathes, but the instant the intruder steps farther into the overhead light I know who it is. Sunken in with dark circles under his eyes, I notice just how much more prominent his harsh features look since I last saw him.

  “I thought you were going to have him call me,” he barks.

  “I-I gave him your number, but he’s not ready to…” I stutter, voice shrinking when I try to lie.

  “What! What an ungrateful little shit. After everything I…” I squint at him, attempting to study his face. He is not a kind man, nor a man to pity. After everything Alex told me, everything his father put him through, I can’t imagine him fee
ling entitled to anything. He not only ruined Alex’s childhood, he tortured Alex’s mother, his own wife. The person you are supposed to love, honor and cherish. No. This man is a monster.

  “Listen!” I point my finger at his chest, reacting on adrenaline only. “Alex doesn’t owe you a damn thing. I gave him your number. He obviously doesn’t want to talk to you. Just back the fuck off, Mr. James!” My voice echoes through the empty parking garage.

  I can see his sinister features darken as he moves closer. Of course now I realize how dumb that was, forgetting momentarily that I’m alone with a man whom I’m not familiar with. With each step forward, I step back until I bump against the cement column near my car. His face contorts in anger as he tilts his head, bringing his face near mine.

  “You listen here you little bitch.” He slams his hands against the concrete slab my head is resting against. “I don’t care what Alex wants. If he doesn’t give me what I need, I’ll make his life a living hell. And I’m getting that you know I can do just that.”

  Not trusting my voice, I simply nod and turn my head away from him at the same time squeezing my eyes shut. Anger seething from his pores, he grabs my chin and yanks it back towards his face. “Bitch, look at me when I’m talking to you.”

  I hate that his features remind me of Alex: same jaw line, same bright blue eyes. The difference is that I love the different facets of color I can see in Alex’s irises; specks of dark blue, aqua, and a tinge of green. I’ve always loved the reflection of myself in his eyes…pure, confident, sexy. It says something about the man because the same reflection in his father’s eyes is quite the opposite. I look scared and weak.

  “HEY!” I hear a familiar booming voice followed by the sound of heavy footsteps approaching. “Hey, get away from her.”

  He pushes against the column with his fist as Oliver approaches. “You better get him to call me. I don’t think I need to remind you what can happen if you don’t follow through with what you’re told.”