Shattered Heart

by Ann Stewart

  “Hey!” Rachel shouts causing me to turn and face her. Her face is red with irritation but quickly eases when she places my face between her hands. “I’m worried about you. You’re my baby sister. I’m supposed to look out for you. You haven’t been the same since we left the hospital, and I don’t want you doing something you’ll regret. It’s not just you anymore.” Her eyes dart to my belly hidden under the satin material of my dress. “You have my niece or nephew to think of now.”

  I sigh. “I know Rach. There’s nothing to worry about. I have this handled.”

  “I know you’re mad at Alex, but…”

  I shoot daggers at her, pushing her hands away. “Don’t you dare defend him to me.”

  “I’m not defending. I’m more playing devil’s advocate.” She pauses, I glare. “Listen, you’re the one that told him the baby wasn’t his.”

  Yes, I told Rachel that I took the coward way out and told him the baby wasn’t his. I figured if I told her while in public, it might cushion the blow. So, last night while we were waiting for the ultrasound technician, I calmly explained my exit out of Alex’s life. She still yelled. In fact, it was so loud that it caused the nurses to stick their heads in past the curtain and ask her to keep her voice down.

  “You don’t think I know how wrong it was for me to lie to him like that? Trust me I know,” I huff. “I know what the right thing to do is. I also know I should tell him the truth, but does it really matter anymore?”

  Rachel walks over to me, pulling me into an embrace and whispers in my ear. “Of course it matters. You need to tell him the truth, El. If not for him, for yourself.” She pulls away from me and walks out of the bathroom and into my bedroom. I follow. “Do you really want to live with that secret for the rest of your life? What happens when LJ gets older? You gonna lie to your child too?”

  I know she’s right. She’s always right and that’s why I am so thankful to have her in my life. I’m so lost right now, but what she says makes sense. I have no right to keep it from him, especially after recently reliving the nightmare with Cole.

  “I get it, you’re mostly right. He deserves to know and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I kept this from him. It would eat at me and I already did that once. I saw the devastation in Cole’s eyes when we hashed everything out. It wasn’t a good look. I can’t do that again, not to anyone, but especially not to Alex. No matter how much he’s hurt me.”

  “Thank God,” she whispers. “You’re doing the right thing. He’s going to be a father; you’re going to be a mother. No matter what happens between the two of you, you both deserve some happiness out of all of this.”

  She should have just stopped at “Thank God.” I don’t know why, but this pisses me off something fierce. Fire Engine Red. And this time I’m not chalking the mood swings to pregnancy. Alex. Arianna. They both cause me to see red.

  “Shit, Rach. Did he think of my happiness when he was fucking Arianna? Again. I had every chance to sleep with someone else while he was in New York and while I was out of town. You don’t see me spreading my seed in his absence.”

  “You technically don’t have any seed to spread.”

  I slap my hand against the counter in frustration. “You know damn well what I mean!”

  “All I’m saying is technically he didn’t cheat because you broke up with him. You can’t hold this against him.” Since when did she become the advocate for male whores?

  “You’re telling me that while I was in Reno and you and Bryan were fighting, if he went out and slept with an ex, you would be able to look past it?”

  “Our situations are entirely different, and you know it. Seriously Ely, wake up. If only for the baby’s sake, you can’t be this stubborn.”

  “Watch me.” I grit through my teeth. I know I’m being irrational. If it was any other woman, seriously, any other woman besides Arianna, I probably could look past this. But after everything, he just ends up back in bed with her the moment I’m out of the picture. This proves to me that Alex really hasn’t changed. You can take the whore out of the business, but in the end, I guess they’re really just a whore wearing a suit.

  “I’m just letting you know now…this is a bad idea.”

  “Are you driving me or am I driving myself?”

  “Let me grab my keys.”

  ~~~~~

  The party is being held at a ballroom at one of the local casinos. Janice told me that Arianna was going to have it at our event center, but after the whole Cole debacle at the fundraiser, she wanted to have it somewhere with more security at her disposal. Rachel asked if I wanted her to just drop me off or if I wanted her to wait. I told her I would be an hour tops, what I had to take care of wouldn’t be long.

  I take the skirt of my dress in my hand as I ascend the stairs to the double doors. My heart is pounding and I struggle to swallow the growing unease building in my throat. With each step, images of Alex continue to flash in my mind. His hands fisted at his side, his face tight with pleasure, his eyes wired shut and then there are those lips. His lips swollen with pure torture from what could only be caused by hours of kissing. Those same lips that only days before muttered words of affection and devotion. It all feels like a lie and all of it is crashing around me. I’m not entirely sure my heart can recover from this. Nor am I sure I want to.

  Taking the last step on the grand staircase, I’m transported into a winter wonderland. Shades of silver and blue adorn every available space, glittery snowflakes hang from the ceiling, and an extravagant crystal chandelier hangs in the middle of the ballroom. The round tables are covered in stark white cloths that mimic the snow that I remember from our time in Reno and the center piece decorations are bowls filled with Christmas tree decorations. I haven’t gone too far into myself to know that this place is beautiful.

  I stand back watching as happy couples come and go from the exorbitant buffet to the far end of the room to reach the dance floor. Arianna being Arianna decided on a DJ instead of a band, which would have been classic, sophisticated. Words I used to associate her with. Not anymore.

  I’m not sure what to do, so I continue to stand, and fidget with my hands as I wait, willing my body forward.

  “Don’t you look beautiful?” Oliver’s deep husky voice startles me from behind as he wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me in for a side hug.

  “Thank you. You look nice, as well.” And I’m not lying. He does clean up well. He’s dressed in an all black suit with a green tie that brings out the crispness of his eyes. His hair is slicked back and his face is cleanly shaven. Women will swoon the moment they lay eyes on him, unlike me. Although I can appreciate how nice he looks, my butterflies are dead. Destroyed by the very woman who I thought could catapult my career into something I could be proud of. I guess the price of success comes at a cost, and unfortunately I didn’t realize how much until it was too late.

  “I hate these monkey suits. I’d rather put on a pair of board shorts and a t-shirt and call it a day.” He grins at my side as we people watch. He does look equally good in his normal beach attire. But then again, he’d look good in anything. “You gonna sit down anytime soon?”

  “I’m trying to move, but my feet won’t listen.” I try to joke, but all that comes out is my unease.

  Oliver grabs my hand, squeezing my fingers in his large, warm hands. “I’ll help you. Come on.” He tugs, but I can’t move. My head begins to shake unintentionally.

  “Hey Ely Bean, it’s just me. What’s wrong?” I know his words are meant to calm me, but I am so terrified. He thinks I’m strong, but I’m not. Even with him by my side.

  “I can’t do this, Oliver. I thought I was strong enough, but I can’t face them.” My eyes brim with unshed tears as I look into his caring eyes. He must sense that something is running amuck in my head because instead of pushing me forward, he’s patient and continues to hold my hand.

  “Let’s dance.” Oliver pulls me close. “Let’s dance.” Hands resting on my lower bac
k, he pulls me against his chest. I look around, paranoid as I watch everyone pass.

  “We aren’t on the dance floor.”

  “I don’t give a shit. We’ll dance wherever we want.” Oliver begins to sway, easing my body into movement with his. People pass, leering as they eye us. We must look ridiculous, embracing practically right next to the entrance. But at this point, with the way I feel in his arms, comfortable and protected, I could care less. I wish I could feel like this all of the time. I close my eyes and savor the momentary relief I feel as I rest my head against his chest. He smells nice; not Alex nice, but nice all the same. My hands clutch his biceps as we continue to move.

  “You ready to sit down?” I tilt my head up and glance around. I didn’t even realize he moved us closer to the tables. “Unless, of course, you want me to continue to hold you?”

  I blush and shake my head, taking a seat; our table is practically empty. It’s in this quiet moment I feel a modicum of resolve. Knowing what I have to do tonight isn’t easy, but it’s the right choice. I’m going to tell Alex the truth. Not just about the baby, but about all that Arianna has taken away from us. He may have chosen to go running back to her, and even though he has hurt me beyond repair, she doesn’t deserve an ounce of happiness.

  Pulling me out of what I know I have to do, I’m temporarily relieved when Janice comes bounding our way with a plate full of delicious smelling food. I want to say I’m in shock at seeing Trevor sauntering right behind her with two plates in his hands, because apparently I’ve missed the progression of their relationship. It’s nice to see them together, happy and enjoying each other’s company.

  I eye his hefty plates as he takes a seat next to me. “You feeding an army?”

  Trevor goes to ruffle my hair, but decides against it when I give him a hearty glare. He laughs, “Hey squirt, leave me alone. I’m a growing boy.” Of course I can only tease him because he has a body most men would die for. The two plates must be covered in at least five thousand calories and yet he has a ridiculously low amount of body fat. “You want some?” Trevor nudges a plate at me.

  “No thanks. I lost my appetite.”

  “You feeling okay? Bryan said Rach had to take you to the hospital.” Both Oliver and Janice’s eyes dart in my direction. I don’t know when they would have expected me to tell them, but I guess I have failed to mention this little fact to either of them.

  My smile may be fake, but thankfully, I can at least be honest with my reply. “I’m fine and the baby is fine.” Trevor nods his head, mercifully dropping the subject. Obviously he has more important things to worry about, aka the large amount of food he just shoveled in his mouth. Janice looks at him as he continues to inhale his food, not with disgust, but with a fascination one could equate to lust. I watch her as she remains focused on his jaw. Hmm, what is going on here?

  “Is the baby okay?” Oliver leans over whispering in my ear. I nod, trying to avoid this conversation. “What happened?” I look away, hoping to mask my dewy eyes. I can’t cry. Not here, with him being so kind to me.

  “We’ll be back.” Oliver pulls me from the chair and leads me to the bar. “I need a drink.” His jaw is tense, eyes dark with irritation.

  “Why are you mad?” I’m not sure where any of this emotion is coming from. I know I’m a basket case, but mad or sad, or any emotion for that matter, shouldn’t be hovering over Oliver.

  “I’m not mad. I’m irritated.”

  I’m so confused. “Well, why are you irritated then?”

  “Because you aren’t telling me everything. After this past weekend, I thought we were better than this. I know you better than you think I do. You’re keeping something from me. First you drop the fact that you’re pregnant,” he whispers to avoid the prying eyes surrounding us. “Now you’re going to the hospital and you’re not saying anything? Are we, or aren’t we, friends. Did we, or did we not, confess a whole bunch of shit to each other last weekend?”

  “What do you want me to say, Oliver?”

  “The truth! For once, just tell me what’s going on.”

  I shuffle away from him towards the exit, but Oliver grabs my elbow and turns me to face him. “You want the truth. Fine. Even though this isn’t the time, or the place, I’ll tell you. But it doesn’t change anything between us. It can’t.” He nods and brings me in closer so I don’t have to speak so loud. “Cole came to visit me last night.”

  “Your ex-best friend? The guy that Alex beat up?”

  “Yes, the same. He told me…” my voice waivers as I continue. “He told me he’s been following me. Arianna paid him to follow me. It’s how she’s known every time I’ve been with Alex. He…he had pictures, Oliver.” I choke on the last words as tears trickles down my face. Oliver’s thumb grazes my cheek wiping away my tears. “Alex slept with her while we were in San Diego.”

  “Arianna?”

  I nod. “And the worst part is…I can’t even be mad at him because I broke his heart before I left. I told him the baby wasn’t his and I broke up with him and now…oh, God.” My lip quivers, my chest feels as if someone is sitting on it making it hard to breath. “Now it’s just me and this baby. I’ve ruined everything.”

  “You didn’t ruin anything. It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault, Elyssa. You have done everything you can to do right by you and Alex. Hell, even in a twisted way, Arianna. But no, none of this is your damn fault.” Pausing to make sure I get what he’s saying, I look up into his deep green eyes and acquiesce.

  “And Elyssa, you’re not alone if you don’t want to be.”

  Still staring into his eyes, I’m not sure if I comprehend what he’s telling me. Of course, I’m alone. It’s just me and LJ. “What? What are you talking about?” I panic as I look over his face and realize he’s completely serious.

  Oliver looks nervous as he takes my hands between his. “I could be there for the two of you. I would love the baby regardless of it not being mine. We could be,” he clears his throat, “we could be a family. You, me, Mason and the little one.” He clutches my hands tightly forcing me to stay in the moment with him.

  Breaking the staring contest, I shake my head. “Oliver, I can’t ask that of you.”

  “You’re not asking. I’m offering. Plus, you’re good with Mason. I saw how you were with him, so kind and patient. I’ve never once seen Melanie like that with him. It wouldn’t have to be so hard, Ely. Being with me would be effortless.” He runs his hands up my arms to rest on my biceps.

  Effortless.

  Alright, I can’t believe I’m even doing this, but here it is...the pros of being with Oliver: he’s attractive, he loves kids, he’s successful in his career, he’s carefree, he enjoys the outdoors, he has good taste in food and cars, and he’s safe. Cons: he’s not Alex.

  Fuck.

  From behind I can hear a throat being cleared. I look over my shoulder and realize that Alex is standing behind us. I wonder how much of the conversation he heard. If it wasn’t for the fact that I feel betrayed by him, I might actually care if he heard Oliver laying out our easy life.

  And again, if I wasn’t so hurt by his betrayal, I might actually take a moment and appreciate how agonizingly handsome he looks tonight. His hair is styled in that messy way that screams sex. My fingers ache to twirl around his auburn strands. Like Oliver, he’s also in a black suit; Alex has a white dress shirt with a red vest underneath, jacket parted showing his slim waist line. As if I have x-ray vision, I can practically see the lines of his defined abdomen and taut chest muscles underneath. I sigh a deep meaningful sigh. It’s been over a week and the ache that radiates deep in my chest almost causes my knees to buckle.

  “Elyssa…can I talk to you for a second.” He looks tense as he stands with his hands in his pockets waiting for my response. His eyes moving between my face and the hand Oliver still has resting on my biceps.

  “You don’t have to talk to him, Ely,” Oliver whispers.

  “Yes, I do.” I look up into his conc
erned face. I know what he’s offering and I’d be blind if I didn’t know this was going to hurt him. Me walking away to talk to Alex. Alex who, in Oliver’s eyes, doesn’t deserve me. I just don’t know how to respond quite yet. “I’ll find you when I’m done.” He nods, but not before he shoots Alex a warning glare before he leaves.

  I turn to Alex, my heart and soul, and know that this is it. This is the time where I need to be the old Elyssa Hart, strong and determined. I’ve lost sight of that over the past few months, or maybe it’s that she had been ripped from me. Either way, I need her now. Resolving to get everything off my chest, I reach deep and without looking away from his deep blue irises, I take a step forward.

  Note to self: When in doubt, pull up your big girl panties and fight your way through.

  CHAPTER 23

  Even if our physical distance is nothing but a mere ten feet from one another, I feel as if we are oceans apart. The way my heart is being ripped from my chest; he might as well be in New York again. Because in this moment, I don’t feel safe with him. Not once have I ever felt this way in his presence and I hope to never feel that way with another again. The only part of me that continues to move in his direction is my body, and I blame that partially on LJ.

  “You’re breathtaking,” he sighs heavily when we are less than a foot apart. Those two words defeat me in a way I didn’t think possible. My head droops down, along with my shoulders, and the only reason I know he’s reached me is because I can see his shoes brush against the material of my dress. I’m trying so desperately not to look at him. If I look at him, I’ll give in. I’ll feel all the pain I felt last night when Cole showed me those pictures and then where will that leave me? If last night was a test of my will, and LJ’s perseverance, we both passed. But tonight, seeing him in person, standing mere inches away looking at me the way he always does, I don’t know how well I’ll pass that test. I remain silent, hoping he’ll just say what he needs to say so I can say my peace and leave, without me looking into his longing eyes.