Seeking Solace

by Ari McKay

  Releasing a low moan, Devin lowered himself and pressed his lips against the hollow of Paul’s throat. “I’ve died and gone to heaven.”

  Chuckling, Paul smoothed his palms up and down Devin’s back in soothing strokes. “I’m no angel,” he said. “After what we’ve just done, I don’t think you are either.”

  “No, my family will attest to that.” Devin raised his head and smiled at Paul with affection. “And that wasn’t anywhere near as naughty as I’d like to be with you.”

  “I wasn’t planning on this being a one-shot,” Paul said, keeping his tone light. Even though his head knew pursuing anything more involved than a vacation fling would be difficult and ill-advised, his heart was harboring other ideas, and for once, he didn’t want to ignore it.

  “Good, because I wasn’t either,” Devin replied. He rolled off Paul. “Give me a moment to get something to clean us up, and then we can cuddle. I hope you like to cuddle, because I really do.”

  “You’re in luck,” Paul said as he settled in to wait. “I do like cuddling.”

  “Perfect.” Devin pressed a kiss to Paul’s lips, then stood and walked into the bathroom. Paul heard running water, and then a few moments later, Devin returned with a hand towel and a damp washcloth. He sat down on the edge of the bed and gently cleaned Paul with the warm washcloth, then dried his skin with the hand towel. When he finished, Devin put both on the nightstand, then stretched out next to Paul, pillowing his head on Paul’s shoulder and throwing one arm across his waist. He released a contented sigh. “Heaven. I didn’t imagine it.”

  Paul slid both arms around Devin, enjoying the closeness, and he nuzzled his cheek against Devin’s silky hair. Maybe Devin was right, because this was starting to feel like heaven to him too.

  Chapter Eight

  DEVIN woke to the sounds of laughter and happy chatting outside the open window, and he opened his eyes, confused at finding himself in a strange room. He was lying on his side, looking at a window where daylight streamed in through gauzy curtains. Then the events of the night before came back to him in a rush, and he grinned and rolled over with the intent of spooning against Paul and maybe coaxing him into another round of lovemaking before they had to return to the ship.

  The other side of the bed was empty.

  Alarmed, Devin sat up, his heart pounding in dread before he noticed the note on Paul’s pillow. He grabbed it, and the words caused him to breathe in a sigh of relief.

  Gone to hotel gift shop, BRB.

  The words chased away Devin’s horrified visions of Paul having been overcome with regret and leaving so he didn’t have to face any awkwardness. Given how special and wonderful the previous night had been, it would have been enough to break Devin’s heart.

  Devin got up and went into the bathroom. As he washed his hands, he looked at himself in the mirror, the evidence of what he and Paul had done several times during the night revealed in the faint scratches on Devin’s shoulders and the shadow of a bite mark on the side of his neck. The sight made Devin grin; despite Paul’s fears about his desirability, once he’d decided to give in, he’d gone all in, holding nothing back. He’d met Devin passion for passion, and it had been more intense than anything Devin had ever experienced.

  There were wet towels on the floor, discarded after the shower they’d taken together during the course of the night. Inspired by Devin’s talk of naughty fantasies, Paul had put on his prosthetic so he could push Devin up against the wall of the shower and fuck him senseless under the spray of water. They’d staggered back to the bed together, falling in a tangle of limbs, napping for a while only to wake up and make love again, this time more slowly, Paul exploring Devin’s body as Devin had explored his.

  Innately tidy—at least when he wasn’t overcome by postcoital bliss—Devin picked up the towels and hung them over the shower curtain rod. Then, still naked, he returned to the bedroom. He was debating whether to dress or to arrange himself in an enticing display on the bed when he heard the key in the door, and he turned toward it, unable to help the wide smile that curved his lips.

  Paul’s eyebrows climbed when he entered the room and saw Devin standing there. “I didn’t wake you, did I?” he asked as he approached Devin, carrying a large paper shopping bag in each hand. When he reached Devin, he leaned in for a brief kiss.

  “No, not at all,” Devin replied. He returned the kiss, then wrapped his arms around Paul’s waist and rubbed his cheek against Paul’s, enjoying the rasp of stubble. Devin didn’t have much in the way of facial hair himself, but he liked how Paul’s felt. “Did you get hungry? You should have woken me up.”

  “No, I wanted to get a change of clothes.” Paul nuzzled along Devin’s cheek and down his neck. “Do we have time to visit the beach before we have to be back on board the ship? I didn’t get to see much of it last night, since someone was determined to lure me away from the party so he could have his way with me.”

  “I regret nothing,” Devin said, tipping his head to the side to give Paul better access. “We have time. The ship doesn’t sail until five this evening, though I need to be back aboard by three.”

  “Perfect.” Paul nipped Devin’s earlobe and then drew back. “I got you something,” he said as he placed the bags on the bed. He rummaged through one of the bags and pulled out a package of plain white boxers, which he offered to Devin. “Cotton, not silk, but I thought we might want a change. I do, anyway.”

  Devin chuckled and accepted the package. “Have I told you that you’re brilliant? Thanks, these are great. What else did you get? I’d even wear that shirt we saw that said Jamaican Me Horny if you got it.”

  “A couple of razors and shaving cream and a couple of shirts and pairs of shorts that we can mix and match,” Paul said as he emptied out the bags. “You can have first pick.”

  He spread out two pairs of board shorts; one was black with narrow gray horizontal stripes, and the other was navy blue with a pattern of white tropical flowers. Then he unfolded two white tank tops and tossed one to Devin.

  “White goes with both,” he said. “I hope you don’t mind being matchy-matchy.”

  Devin caught the shirt, then stood next to Paul, looking down at the shorts. He remembered Paul saying he hadn’t brought shorts or even a bathing suit with him on the cruise. Devin was saddened by how self-conscious Paul was about his prosthetic, even the previous night when he’d obviously been reluctant for Devin to see it. For Paul to have gone from reluctance to not caring who saw it made Devin want to melt. He wrapped his arm around Paul’s shoulders, his throat tight with emotion.

  With love.

  I’m in love with him, Devin thought, dazed at the thought. He was also a little frightened by it, because it took their situation to a different level. Devin had thought himself in love with his ex back in Houston, but what he felt for Paul made what he’d felt about Brad pale in comparison. It also made the knowledge that Paul would be leaving the ship in just over a week heartbreaking.

  He knew Paul was waiting for an answer, so he pushed his own feelings aside for the moment, turning his head to press his lips to Paul’s cheek. “I don’t mind being matchy-matchy at all,” he murmured. “Thank you. For the clothes, and for being you.”

  “I should be thanking you.” Paul gently ran his forefinger along Devin’s cheek. “There’s no telling when I would have found the courage to do this if I hadn’t met you,” he said, gesturing to the shorts.

  “I’m glad I could help you find your courage,” Devin replied, his voice husky as he leaned into Paul’s touch. “It was there inside you all along, you know. That had nothing to do with me.”

  “You helped bring it out.” Paul’s eyes were soft and warm as he met Devin’s gaze. “I’m giving you full credit for that, and I won’t be talked out of it, so pick the shorts you want so we can hit the beach.”

  Devin drew back, touched and pleased that Paul wanted to give him the credit. “Well, since I’m so awesome, I’ll take the flowered ones,” he sai
d, snatching them off the bed. “Since the beach is what you want, the beach is what you’ll have, though don’t be surprised if I drag you behind a dune to make out.”

  “I’ll find a way to cope,” Paul said dryly as he pulled another package of white boxers out of the bag. He showed no trace of the hesitation and doubt he’d exhibited the night before as he undressed and changed into the new clothes.

  Devin followed suit, though the process took longer than necessary because he felt the need to grope Paul as he changed, under the guise of “checking the fit” and performing “quality control.” Then they packed their dirty clothing in the bags and left the room, stopping by the front desk to turn in the key.

  As Devin paid for the room, Cass came from around the desk to hug him. “I’m glad to see you so happy,” she said.

  Surprised, Devin hugged her back. “I’m almost always happy, you know.”

  Cass shook her head. “Not like this. You’re glowing, Dev.” She looked over to where Paul was perusing a display of brochures for beach adventures and boat rentals. “I’ve never seen you like this. Just be careful, okay? Not all vacation romances turn out like mine did, and I don’t want to see you hurt.”

  Devin bent down and kissed her on the cheek. He was well aware how most relationships between people on the ship turned out, but he didn’t want to explain that for him, it was already too late. “Thanks, hon. Just wish me luck, okay?”

  “Always.” Cass hugged him hard, then shooed him away. “Go on, take him to the beach. I’ll see you in a couple of weeks when you come back through.”

  “See you.” Devin gave her a mock salute, then walked over to Paul and slipped an arm around his waist. “Ready for sand and sun?”

  Paul slid his arm around Devin in return and offered a smile that was far more open and relaxed than Devin had seen before. “I’m ready. Let’s do it.”

  They stopped at the breakfast buffet to pick up some pastries and coffee, then made their way down to the beach, eating as they walked along the packed sand near the water and being harassed by seagulls who wanted a share of the food. They hunted for shells, sifting through the sand and then washing their finds in the clear, warm water of the sea. Devin bought a couple of beach towels from a vendor, and they spread the towels on the sand, sitting side by side and watching the wide variety of people of all ages and nationalities who had come to enjoy the beauty of the clear Caribbean sea and the impossibly blue sky. When they got hungry, they purchased paper cones of fried shrimp and french fries from another vendor, and Devin laughed when Paul tried to steal some of his shrimp when he wasn’t looking.

  They talked of everything and nothing. In the middle of telling Paul how his cousin Beau had announced his relationship with Jake, the man he married, on a nationally syndicated show, he stopped and nudged Paul to draw his attention to a teenage boy who was rolling along the sand on a wheelchair equipped with fat tires, headed with determination toward the water.

  “I’ve seen those kinds of wheelchairs before,” he said. “I think it’s wonderful when people love something and they won’t let anything keep them from enjoying it.”

  Paul was quiet as he watched the young man, who was laughing with his friends like he didn’t have a care in the world.

  “It is,” he said at last. “I let myself forget that.”

  “The important thing is you finally let yourself remember,” Devin replied, dropping a kiss on Paul’s cheek. “Now that you have, you’ll never forget again, right?”

  Paul leaned into the kiss, smiling wryly. “No, I won’t.” He leaned back on his hands and stretched out his long legs, going quiet again as he kept an eye on the young man. “That could have been me,” he said. “I was lucky.”

  “Even if that had been you, it wouldn’t make you any less of a man.” Devin ran his hand down Paul’s left leg, brushing the top of his prosthesis. “You were lucky you weren’t killed, or left in a coma, or with brain damage. It was lucky for me too, you know. I wouldn’t have gotten to meet you.”

  “It could have been so much worse.” Paul watched the path of Devin’s hand, but he didn’t pull away. “Including the ‘not meeting you’ part.” He glanced sidelong at Devin, his expression speculative. “You never asked how it happened. Most people do.”

  “I figured you would tell me if you wanted to, and if you don’t, well, that’s your right,” Devin said. He smiled slightly, because he had wondered, but Paul’s obvious discomfort and sensitivity about his injury had made Devin keep his questions to himself. “Not everyone has the right to know everyone else’s business. We all knew my cousin lost his leg to an IED, but he couldn’t talk about the actual circumstances for a long time. It was too painful for him, so I understand your need to distance yourself.”

  “It’s not just the loss, but the trauma surrounding the loss, I think,” Paul said, sounding contemplative as he turned his gaze toward the ocean. “It’s a lot to process. For your cousin, it was the IED. For me, it was a wreck.”

  Devin gave Paul’s thigh a gentle squeeze. “If you want to talk about it, I’m happy to listen.”

  Paul’s gaze took on a faraway look as if he wasn’t seeing the rolling waves or the other beachgoers or even Devin anymore. “I’d gone to Myrtle Beach for the weekend to meet up with some friends. Jack wasn’t with me. I don’t remember why now. Probably something to do with his work. I was driving home Sunday evening, and it started raining hard enough that there were flash floods popping up within minutes. Some guy was going too fast, hydroplaned, and lost control. It was a multicar pileup, and I was in the middle.”

  The recitation was detached and factual, and yet Devin had no problem visualizing the scene and sensing the wealth of pain those brief sentences disguised. “Were you trapped?” he asked softly.

  “Apparently so.” Paul looked at Devin, his gaze sharpening back into focus, and shrugged. “I don’t remember anything except hearing a loud bang. I was told later that I had to be cut out of my car, and I was unconscious. I was also amazingly lucky that no major arteries were punctured because the first responders couldn’t have gotten to me before I bled out.”

  Hearing the reality of how close Paul had come to death sent a cold chill down Devin’s spine, and he moved closer, pressing against Paul because he needed the reassurance of touch. Knowing his feelings for Paul, even with the uncertainty of what the future might hold as far as anything permanent developing between them, he couldn’t bear the thought of a world without Paul in it. Paul didn’t hesitate to slide his arm around Devin’s shoulders, as if he too needed the comfort of touch to ground him in the present after recounting the past.

  “I’m sorry for what you suffered and for what you lost,” Devin said. “I’m even more sorry for the anguish it’s caused you and the way you’ve felt you had to armor yourself against other people. No one should have to go through what you did. But you’ve come through it, and you’re here. I imagine it can make you that much more appreciative of what you didn’t lose and make those who really care about you appreciate you even more.”

  “Yes, I’m still here,” Paul said, a determined glint in his eyes. “And I think I’m ready to start living again rather than just existing.”

  “Good.” Devin smiled at Paul’s words, and it struck him how much more alive Paul looked. Devin had thought Paul was attractive from the beginning, but now Paul exuded an added vitality, something that made him look even more gorgeous. Not for the first time, Devin was struck by an odd sense of familiarity, as though he’d seen Paul before. But that was impossible, and he shrugged it off as being déjà vu. All that mattered was that Paul was here, and he seemed happier. Devin couldn’t resist teasing him a little. “That’s the spirit. The way you look right now, all those midlevel execs above you on the corporate ladder better watch out, or you’ll knock them off on your way up.”

  An odd look flickered across Paul’s face, and he rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. “Uh…. Well, it’s a family-owned company, so ma
ybe not.”

  “What, they won’t give you a chance because of nepotism?” Devin snorted. “That would suck. If you have the talent and the drive, you shouldn’t be limited just because someone else has family connections.” He paused, then laughed and shook his head, realizing how absurd he sounded. “I’m a fine one to talk. The two biggest restaurants in my hometown are both owned by my extended family, and a lot of the kids work there. I’m sure you wouldn’t be working for the company if you didn’t feel their policies were fair. I can’t see you being the kind of person who would settle for being passed over unfairly.”

  “No, definitely not.” Paul cleared his throat and stared out at the ocean again. “Anyway, I don’t want to think about work right now. I’m off duty until we get back to the ship.”

  “Good point.” Devin lay down on his towel and opened his arms. “Since you’re still off duty, how do you feel about making out with the help? You haven’t kissed me for at least half an hour, and I’m feeling deprived.”

  “You’re much more than the help.” Paul shifted so he could stretch out beside Devin and rolled into the embrace. “Much, much more,” he said, his eyes warm with affection as he leaned in to claim a kiss.

  Devin wrapped his arms around Paul, parting his lips in invitation and giving himself over to the pleasure of the moment, of feeling the man he loved pressing him into the warm sand. He was glad Paul considered him more than just a coworker. He couldn’t let himself place too much hope that Paul would return his feelings before the end of the cruise, not when Paul was still getting over his previous lover’s rejection. Devin had no doubt Paul was grateful to him, but Devin would need to be careful not to want more than Paul was ready to give him.