Kellan

by Kate Hoffmann

  “Oh, that’s much better,” she said, smiling. “A girl could get used to this.”

  “That’s what I want to talk to you about,” Kellan said.

  Her brow wrinkled into a frown. “You look so serious.” Gelsey reached out and smoothed her fingers over his forehead.

  “I am. But you don’t need to look so worried. We’ve been living together for almost a month now and it’s been grand.”

  “It has.”

  “And I was talking to Danny the other day and he plans to ask Jordan to marry him at Christmas and I’m reckoning we ought to make some plans ourselves.”

  “Plans?”

  “Yeah. Maybe it’s time we…formalize things between us.”

  She pushed up on her elbow, her frown deepening. “Formalize? What does that mean?”

  “Make a commitment to each other.”

  “How would that change anything?” Gelsey asked.

  Kellan was confused by her comeback and at first, didn’t have an answer. “I-I guess it wouldn’t. But I have to make some plans with my work and I-”

  “What kind of plans?”

  “I’ve got to make a decision on the job in France. It would take me out of Ireland for a long time. You’d be here. I’d be there.”

  “Do you want to take the job?”

  “I don’t know,” Kellan said. “I don’t want to leave you.”

  “How would your decision change then?”

  “I guess I wouldn’t leave you.”

  “See. That wasn’t so difficult. We don’t need to decide anything right now. We’ll just do what we feel.”

  Kellan sat up and shook his head. “No. I don’t want to turn this job down and then have you run back to Europe. That’s not the way it’s supposed to go.”

  “You know exactly how it’s supposed to go?” Gelsey asked. She sat up beside him and folded her hands in her lap. “Tell me. I’d like to know, too. I’ve been trying to figure it out for the past ten years and haven’t gotten it right yet.”

  He could hear the sarcasm in her voice and for a moment, he thought better of continuing the conversation. But this was a matter that they needed to resolve. “There’s just a certain progression that most people follow. Like…Riley and Nan and Danny and Jordan. They’ve decided that they want to spend the rest of their lives together and-and everyone knows it.”

  “So a public announcement will make it all work out for us?”

  Kellan cursed beneath his breath. Was she deliberately trying to start an argument? The last thing he wanted to do was fight with her. She was tired and tended to get a bit irrational when she didn’t have enough sleep.

  “We should probably discuss this later,” he dodged. “After you’ve had a kip. Why don’t you crawl under the covers and I’ll let you sleep for a bit.”

  She shook her head. “I think we should get this settled.”

  “No,” Kellan said. “You’re in no mood to talk.”

  “I’m in the perfect mood.” Gelsey stood up and began to pace back and forth. “Let me see. I’ve been engaged three times in the past seven years. Married once.”

  Kellan gasped. What the hell? This was definitely not going the way he’d planned. “You’ve been married?”

  “Yes. To someone who was already married, so it wasn’t legal. I was twenty-three and very stupid. I thought I was in love, but I was proven wrong. I thought I loved them all and in the end it didn’t mean anything.”

  “Why haven’t you told me this?”

  “Because it’s in the past,” Gelsey said. “And I wanted to start fresh. But I can’t do that if I keep making the same mistakes over and over again.”

  Kellan grabbed her hand to stop her pacing. “All right. We’re done. This isn’t the right time or the-”

  “No. We should get this straight. I don’t want you to plan your life around me, Kellan. I want you to do what makes you happy. And if that means going to France to work on a project then that’s what you need to do.” She shrugged. “I’m not sure I’ll even be here. If I am, when you come home, we’ll take up where we left off.”

  “And in between? We just forget about each other?”

  “No, of course not. You know I care about you.”

  “But you don’t love me.”

  “That has nothing to do with this conversation. You’re talking about commitment. I can love you without making a commitment to you, can’t I?”

  “Yes,” he said. “Of course, but-”

  “No buts.” Drawing a deep breath, she turned and straddled his legs, then sat down on his lap. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she kissed him, her mouth trailing from his lips to his ear. “I’m happy now. I don’t want anything to change.”

  She tipped her head as she stared into his eyes. But his anger must have been evident in his gaze, because she suddenly stood up. “But then, maybe it would be good to have some time apart.”

  Kellan gasped, stunned by the turn in the conversation. He stood also, catching her off balance. Gelsey stumbled back and he caught her arm. “How did we get from that to this? We love each other but we should spend some time apart?”

  Gelsey nodded. “I think I’m going to spend the night at Winterhill. You can think about what you want to do and I won’t be here to…distract you.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Kellan countered.

  “Sure it is. Besides, I have some business I need to take care of tomorrow morning at the house, so I won’t have to get up early and drive over there.”

  “Why do I get the feeling that I just turned everything arseways between us?”

  “You didn’t,” Gelsey said. “Nothing has changed.”

  Kellan didn’t believe her. In truth, he could see the confusion in her eyes, the frantic way she kept avoiding his gaze. Hell, she’d been engaged three times? This was a woman who was pathologically frightened of commitment and here he was, pushing her to declare her feelings and plan a future with him after they’d only known each other less than a month.

  Jaysus, could he be much more of a gack? How had his brothers managed to find mates when all he could do was stumble around and blather on about his plans and his needs. “If you want to go, that’s fine,” he finally said. “I’ll stop by the shop tomorrow. Maybe we can have lunch?”

  “Yes,” Gelsey said. “Lunch would be perfect.” She kissed him quickly, then slipped into her shoes. Reaching out, she placed her palm on his cheek. “Don’t look so worried. Everything will be fine.”

  As she walked out of the room, Kellan sat down on the edge of the bed. Raking his fingers through his hair, he cursed. This was not the way it was supposed to go. He’d finally found a woman he could love and he’d made a complete mess of it.

  He heard the car start and walked to the window. Watching through the lace curtains, Kellan willed her to come back inside, to forget everything that he’d said to her. But instead, she drove off down the hill toward the village and the coast road to Winterhill.

  Kellan wandered out into the great room. He felt as if he’d just gone ten rounds in a feckin’ boxing ring. His head hurt and he couldn’t put a coherent thought together. “I need a drink,” he muttered.

  Grabbing his jacket, he opened the front door and stepped out into the evening chill. There was plenty to drink down at the Speckled Hound. And maybe his brothers might be able to explain exactly where he’d gone wrong, because he sure as hell couldn’t figure it all out.

  “DANNY SAID you’ve moved out of the cottage.”

  “Where did he hear that?” Gelsey asked.

  Jordan shrugged. “I think Kellan told him. He stopped by the pub a few nights ago and got really pissed. Danny had to drive him home.”

  Gelsey picked at a piece of lace on Nan’s wedding dress, smoothing it down until it lay perfectly on her shoulder. “I didn’t exactly move out. Some of my things are still there. I’m just staying at my place for a while until we sort out our…issues.”

  They’d gathered a
t Danny and Jordan’s cottage behind the blacksmith’s shop to look at the dress that had just arrived from a bridal shop in Cork. To Gelsey’s eyes, it was the perfect dress for the perfect bride. Nan had chosen a simple fitted sheath, bare at the neck with handmade Irish lace covering her arms and shoulders. It hugged the curves of her body, flaring out at the knees, making the dress both sexy and conventional at the same time.

  Jordan groaned. “No, you can’t have issues. We don’t want you to have issues.” She paused. “What are your issues?”

  “It’s nothing serious, really,” Gelsey said. “He just wants everything to be…official. Written in stone. And I’m just not sure I can do that. Every time I’ve tried that in the past, it’s blown up in my face.”

  “Antonio?” Nan asked.

  Gelsey blinked in surprise.

  “Kellan told Danny who told Riley. He thinks you’re going to go back to him.”

  “Danny?” Gelsey asked.

  “No, Kellan. He thinks you’re going to go back to Europe and to Antonio.”

  Gelsey stepped away from Nan then took in the sight of her new friend, dressed in the gown she’d be married in. “You look beautiful.” Tears pressed at the corners of her eyes. How had it been so easy for Nan and Jordan to surrender to love? And why did she find it so impossible? Surely, they’d made mistakes in the past. How could they be so certain it was the right thing to do?

  If Kellan truly loved her, then he’d have to accept her the way she was, with all the baggage that came along. And if she had to spend some time in an Italian jail, then he’d be there for her when she got out. And he’d be there for her every day for the rest of her life.

  It took so much courage to put her life, her future happiness, in his hands. At this moment, she felt as if she could get out without mortal wounds. But if she went on much longer, leaving him would destroy her.

  “I’m sorry,” she murmured, brushing a tear from her cheek. “I don’t know why I’m so…silly.” Her voice wavered. “I’m usually not so emotional.”

  “It’s all right,” Nan said. “You don’t have to hide it with us. So, he knows about your life in Europe? The tabloids?”

  Gelsey shook her head. “We haven’t really discussed it.”

  “And what about the thing with the photographer?” Jordan asked.

  Gelsey gasped. “You know about that?”

  Jordan nodded. “You mentioned it that time we talked. Nan saw it in Hello!”

  “Yeah, well, it’s the truth. I have to go right back into that mess with the photographers and the reporters and all the people who want to examine my life with a microscope. Nobody knows me here and it’s been wonderful.”

  “We know you,” Nan said. “And Kellan knows you. And everyone who knows you cares about you. We don’t care about that other stuff.”

  “I haven’t told Kellan about court,” Gelsey said. “I just know everything is going to change once I go back. All the magazines will have pictures and I don’t want him to get caught up in that. He doesn’t deserve that.”

  Jordan slipped her arm around Gelsey’s shoulders. “I think you should tell him. He would want to know.”

  Gelsey forced a smile. They were right. She didn’t want to keep him in the dark any longer. Kellan would understand and he would see why she couldn’t make any commitments until after the last part of her past was dealt with.

  “Can we just get back to your wedding plans?” Gelsey said, reaching out to grab Nan’s veil. “You need to put this on. Are you going to wear your hair up or down?”

  Nan stared at her reflection in the mirror. “What do you think?”

  “Down,” Gelsey said. Jordan seconded her choice. “But maybe with a bit of curl?”

  Nan nodded. “I always expected that I’d be a bag of nerves before my wedding day, but I feel strangely calm.”

  “You do?” Jordan said. “How can that be? I get nervous just looking at you.”

  “I know I’m doing exactly the right thing,” Nan said, a serene expression on her face. “I have no doubts. I was meant to marry Riley, the same way you’re meant to marry Danny.”

  “He hasn’t officially asked me yet,” Jordan said. “But I suspect there’s a proposal coming soon. He’s been acting weird lately. Staring at me all the time with this dopey smile on his face.” She shook her head and turned to Gelsey. “And then comes you and Kellan.”

  “We’ll see about that,” Gelsey said. “It’s just not going to be as simple for us.”

  “Do you love him?” Nan asked.

  “I think I do. I tell myself I do, but I’ve never said it out loud. But then, I’ve fallen in love so many times, I’m not sure I really know how I’m supposed to feel. I guess I’m just waiting.”

  “For what?” Jordan asked.

  “I’m not sure. Maybe a sign? Or a moment of clarity? I don’t know what it is, but there has to be something that will make me sure of my feelings. Something that I never felt before with the others.”

  Nan and Jordan both turned to look at her, shared concern evident in their gazes. But Gelsey waved them off. “Don’t look at me like that!”

  “Well, we’ve been ordered to bring you along to the pub,” Jordan said. “We’re all going to have dinner there and then go into Cork to catch a late movie. A triple date.”

  “Does Kellan know about this?”

  “Of course he does. He said he’s barely seen you this past week.”

  “We were supposed to have lunch on Monday, but he had to cancel. He said he needed to spend some time in Dublin before the holiday.” In truth, Gelsey wanted to see Kellan. Over the past few days she’d been left to wonder whether his feelings for her had cooled.

  He called her a few times at the shop, just to check in, but his tone had been distant and his mood unreadable. She needed to look into his eyes, to hold his hand, to kiss him again if only to reassure herself that he still loved her.

  Nan turned back to the mirror. “All right. I’m going to have to take this dress off, even though I adore looking at myself.”

  Jordan adjusted the veil. “You do look beautiful.”

  “Wait!” Gelsey cried. “I have something for you. I can’t believe I almost forgot!” She grabbed her bag and rummaged around in it until she found the flat velvet box. “I know you need something borrowed and if you like these, then I want you to wear them on your wedding day.”

  Nan took the box from Gelsey’s outstretched hand and slowly opened the top. Her breath stalled in her throat as she caught sight of the ruby necklace and matching earrings.

  “I know you’re using red in your bouquet and I thought this might go. You don’t have to wear them if you don’t like them.”

  “No!” Nan cried. “They’re beautiful. Where did you get them?”

  “My grandmother left me a lot of beautiful jewelry and I’ve never thought to wear any of it. I sat down and looked at it the other day and thought this would be perfect for you.”

  Nan pulled Gelsey into a fierce hug. “Thank you. Gosh, I feel like royalty now.”

  Gelsey helped her put the necklace and earrings on, then nodded. “I thought so. They do look lovely.”

  “Jordan!”

  The sound of Danny’s voice echoed through the quiet cottage. “We’re in here,” Jordan called from the bedroom.

  A moment later, Danny appeared in the door, breathless, his hair windblown. “Gelsey, there’s a guy in town who’s been looking for you. I think he’s a photographer. He’s been hanging around asking questions. Kellan sent me over here to get you.”

  “Oh, dear,” Nan murmured.

  “I guess my past has just caught up with my present.” Gelsey was resigned. “I think it would be best if I got out of town as quickly as possible.”

  “Kellan is waiting for you behind the pub. He told me to bring you to him. He’ll get you out of town.”

  Gelsey picked up her jacket and purse, then gave Nan and Jordan a hug before she hurried to the door. “I’ll see yo
u both soon. Thanks for inviting me.”

  When they got outside, she and Danny walked along the back side of the cottage and the smithy, through an alleyway behind the bakery, and then over a low fence to the small garden behind the pub. Kellan was waiting there, his back braced against the side of the building.

  “You’re back,” Gelsey said as he took her hand.

  “Just,” he murmured. “Lucky thing.”

  “Where is he?”

  “Out front. Riley has been keeping him occupied. Although, he did manage to get a fair bit of information from Maeve, before she realized what he was doing in town.”

  “How did he know I was here?”

  “I suspect Antonio sent him. The guy probably started asking questions in Curryglass and worked his way down the coast. He’s got pictures he’s showing everyone.”

  “I’m sorry,” Gelsey said.

  “For what?”

  “They’re not going to leave me alone. Now that Antonio’s talking, it makes the story even better. I’m sure he’s giving them all sorts of juicy details.”

  “What kind of details does he have to give?”

  “The kind that sell papers,” Gelsey replied. “There are some things I haven’t told you, but I really want to. First, though, we need to figure out how we are going to get out of here.”

  “We aren’t,” he said. Kellan pointed to a stairway that led up to the second floor above the pub. “Riley has a flat next to my parents’ place. He’ll come and tell us when the guy leaves and then we can leave.”

  “Where are we going to go? He’ll find me whether I’m at Winterhill or here.”

  “He can’t be everywhere at once. And everyone in town knows to send him in the wrong direction. After a few days, he’ll be so mixed up, he won’t know which way to turn.”

  “Or he’ll call in a bunch of his friends,” Gelsey said. “They rarely travel alone. It’s always in packs.”

  He started up the stairs in front of her, holding her hand as they climbed. “Why do they even bother? You’re not living that life anymore, not that I really know anything about that life.” He turned to face her. “I don’t care, you know. We all make mistakes and then we move on.”