Quiet Lies

by R. L. Griffin

  I inadvertently sigh and moan simultaneously. The heat of his breath covers my ear and my arms break out in chill bumps. Our tongues explore each other and I’m pretty sure my mouth has never been open as wide as it is right now. He pulls down my maxi dress that I’d pulled on to cover up my bikini for the fraternity’s spring party. They have a slip and slide which has been very entertaining.

  I feel vulnerable and exposed standing there with him. He can see I want him when I’ve been trying to deny it. He dips a finger into my bikini top and my head falls back. I finally open my eyes to see a cloudless sky, the azure of atmosphere pulls me back to reality as do a few muffled “get a room” comments.

  I step back and pull my top up, but can’t hide my desire for him. We stare at each other, baffled and fascinated simultaneously.

  “It was good to see you again, Rebecca, right?”

  How could I be so stupid? My eyes fall on my bare feet ignoring his question. I clear my throat and walk to where Jessica was sitting, mouth agape at what I’d just done.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  There’s No Waking From a Nightmare if You Aren’t Asleep

  “Jessica.” I speak in a hushed tone even though I’m in the sanctity of my own SUV.

  “Yes,” an answer comes quickly.

  “It’s Rebecca. Rebecca Pryor.”

  The silence that hangs in my SUV is so loud I clear my throat to distract it from taking a piece of my soul. I swore when I saw her through the crack in the bathroom door at my wedding I would never speak to her again.

  “Rebecca Simmons?”

  “Yes,” I whisper.

  “Wow, okay.”

  I let the silence cover me and begin to strangle me gently. The peace of cutting off my air is strangely soothing. I close my eyes.

  “Are you okay Becs?” Her voice shaking my serenity makes me outraged, mournful and elated at the same time. Jessica was my friend from grade school through college. Until my wedding. Initially, I blamed her. I hated her. It took me a few years to realize this was all a part of his plan. He takes everything from me. I know now that was his goal and he set about accomplishing it with zeal. My life mutated until it was unrecognizable.

  “Not in the least.” I answer honestly.

  “Okay,” she hedges. I don’t blame her for being hesitant.

  “I need your help.”

  “Okay.”

  “I’m leaving him. I want to leave. I just don’t know how.”

  A sigh comes across the line. “What do you want me to do?”

  “Can I stay with you for a few days?”

  “Okay,” she agrees with hesitation.

  “I just need a few days to figure things out, you know?”

  “Why do you need to stay with me?”

  “I...” This is a fair question. I haven’t actually spoken with her in over thirteen years. We’ve messaged each other, but never talked to each other after my wedding. I wonder for a few minutes if she felt any guilt about what she did. “I think you could help me think through things and it’s the last place he would look.” The lie and the truth mix together in a tangled web. Those are the best falsehoods, the ones you can confuse with the truth.

  “When will you be here?”

  I pause.

  “Two weeks? Bash starts his summer break.”

  “This is...”

  “I know,” I interrupt. “I know this is weird, but I need your help. I think you owe me that.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  When a Whisper Turns to a Roar

  My birthday comes and goes without much fanfare. I bought myself a cupcake and Bash gave me a Kindle Fire. Sebastian stayed away, which was the best present I could ask for.

  My mind wanders as I’m packing a few things to take with us to South Carolina. I’ve left a couple of times during our tumultuous marriage, but to be completely honest I think I always wanted him to chase me, find me, to prove to me that his proclamations of love were actually true. The distortion of my truth was so embedded in my mind that I hadn’t even thought about the ramifications of my actions. The last time I left I knew he’d kill me before he let me leave again. Sebastian didn’t lose at anything. Life was a competition and he won. I didn’t. I lost every time, I’m smarter. I learned a lesson every time I was caught. I plan on breaking my streak in the best way.

  Sweat coats my body and I can smell it. It’s a putrid smell of perspiration, not from exertion, but from fear. I’m actually leaving. I’m actually taking a step away from him to plan this marriage’s long overdue demise. The conclusion will be a fight. I need to be ready for anything, I know. Hopefully, with Bash on my side I can do it. I will do it. My fear has been losing him because of Sebastian’s evidence of my mental state. It’s been seven years though without an incident and Bash wants to leave with me.

  I never wanted to live here, I’m moving back to South Carolina for a while. I need to get as far from here as possible so I can breathe again. I hope I can breathe there. I’m not sure I can breathe anywhere.

  We’d been married for two weeks when Sebastian had taken a new job in Portland, Oregon. He took me to a fabulous steak restaurant in Atlanta and we celebrated. Shock didn’t begin to describe my mood. I had no idea he’d been looking for a new job. I’d just set up shop making jewelry and things were taking off in Atlanta, but according to Sebastian I could do that anywhere. It was an adventure.

  Now, here I am in a house in the Pearl District that he let me decorate. It’s small, a two bedroom, one bath row home. I scan the bold colors that I took care to splash everywhere. I’d already made a few contacts in Atlanta and my pieces began selling. My “twisted love” necklace was featured in a huge national magazine when a celebrity from Atlanta wore it and my sales took off. It was pure luck, I’d just graduated a few months ago and I was up to my eyeballs in custom orders.

  Each piece was original and I poured everything into them, my pain, my confusion, my love.

  I was doing research for a custom order, lost in my own head when strong hands picked up my hair and lips that fueled my desire trailed kisses across the back of my neck.

  “Hey gorgeous,” Sebastian nuzzled my neck. He ran his hands under the front of my tank top and caressed my breasts. My head fell against his chest.

  “How was your day?”

  “Busy, we had training for some new employees. You?”

  “Just working on a piece,” I shrug. He doesn’t care about my work. He considers it a hobby.

  “What’s for dinner?”

  “We can order sushi,” I answer as his hands still.

  “You haven’t cooked?”

  “I was working,” I apologize.

  “Babe, come on. Could you at least have dinner ready when I get home? It’s 7:00 at night.” He pulls my shirt off and lifts me in one swoop. My long cotton skirt is lifted and I’m pushed against my desk. I didn’t bother with underwear today because I didn’t go anywhere and when Sebastian realizes it he growls with lust.

  “You…” His fingers are everywhere, diving into me and tweaking my nipples. He eases his fingers out and circles around my clit.

  My head falls back and I exhale. I don’t realize that he’s unzipped his pants, but he’s inside of me and we rock against each other. He’s pounding into me and circling his fingers. My hands grasp the desk in front of me and I’m trying to cushion my hips slamming into the edge of my desk. I come apart and he pushes my head down so that the top half of my body is flush against the desk and his thrusts are so hard now I know it’s punishment for not having dinner ready.

  It’s only when he covers my body with his after he’s come that I smell it. The floral perfume that permeates his clothes. My mind races as I lay with my husband inside me, on top of me, betraying me.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  The Soul is a Treacherous Place

  I have an entire carry-on suitcase full of the cash I’ve been saving for the last six years. I’ve been patient with my plans, waiting for t
he smartest time to leave. Now that Bash has given me the go ahead everything can fall right into place. He’ll never know what hit him, that it was me. I will finally deliver a knockout and I’ve saved the best for last.

  I zip my case and lock it with a combination lock. I roll it out to the rental car. I put it in the trunk with the three other bags I packed. I close the trunk and look around while pulling my teal Seattle Seahawks cap down over my forehead.

  My mom always used to say don’t ever ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to. Initially, I lived by that and because I was never ready for the answers, I didn’t ask. I was never ready for the probability that I would be by myself. I wanted to hide the reality of what he did to me on a regular basis, starting on my wedding day. The façade that covers our real life is laughable. People look at us like we have it all, I have nothing. The only thing that I’ve clung to for the past decade was that I was protecting my son. From what, I wonder as I slam the trunk. From me having to get a job, from me being alone? I know now how wrong I was.

  Was I just scared?

  I was terrified.

  Did I suffer some sort of psychosis?

  Maybe.

  I’m ready for all the answers that I ignored for so long. I know every single one will rip my heart from my body, or has that already happened?

  I feel like Sebastian preyed on me and knew exactly what to do to keep me scared and hidden and pining for the dream that we may be okay…that he might really love me...that I wasn’t crazy.

  But...I know now that I am crazy. He made me crazy.

  Sebastian is on a business trip. I’m excited to be on my own with my baby. Sebastian makes me edgy and I think Bash can sense my unease. His eyes are bright and full of mischief, just like his dad’s. I love him with a heart I honestly didn’t know if I still had. We lay on my bed and Bash’s cheek is pressed into my chest. His heartbeat is my heartbeat. I thought that I loved before. I thought I knew how it was to have such affection for someone you want to spend all your time with them. I was wrong. This is love. This soft snoring. These chubby thighs. His smell even triggers a response in me that is unfathomable.

  I haven’t really slept in weeks, unaware how hard having a baby would be, I was wholly unprepared. I took classes.

  The responsibility of a life depending on me for everything is a little intimidating. Sebastian leaves us alone in our love for each other, seeking pleasure from other sources. I only have eyes for this little bundle of sweetness that is my baby. He is mine. He is not Sebastian’s. He saved me, even when it takes me an hour to pack us up to go to the grocery store. He gives me a reason to live even when he vomits on my new shirt. There’s something life altering about being a mother. I thought that I was prepared for having a baby. I thought I would be enough, but I have to be a mom and a dad, it’s harder than I thought. I have to do everything, but it’s worth it.

  I’m exhausted.

  I’m infatuated.

  I’m disappointed.

  The enormity of the fact everything that this baby needs I have to provide it, his father sure isn’t going to provide and that leaves me with a feeling I can’t describe. Bash shifts his head so that the other cheek is now on my chest, my shirt now soaked with the drool that I’ll never tire of. I stroke his light curls. I know his hair will change color, neither me nor Sebastian have naturally light hair. His eyes are a mesmerizing molasses color and tell me he loves me with everything he has. I use my index finger to touch each of his toes that lie on my thigh.

  Inside me there is not one concern about my stomach that hasn’t quite gone back to what it was before I was pregnant. My body has changed as much as my mind has and I have no fucks left to give. Sebastian looks at me with a disdain that I welcome because it means he won’t touch me.

  Love is a funny thing. I thought for a few naïve years that Sebastian loving me is the one thing I could rely on. When that truth turned its back on me after slapping me in the face, I had to recreate myself again. The third time’s a charm.

  Need.

  Want.

  Despair.

  I’ve felt all of those things since I’ve come into contact with the man who enraptured me with lust, lies and illusion. I never wanted to believe in something more than my and Sebastian’s relationship. When it collapsed in on itself I came undone.

  If I’m honest with myself I don’t believe I’ve ever felt as isolated as I have since I married Sebastian. When I’ve thought about walking away from him I see a void of nothing. Where do I go? How do I live, I have no job. How can I face anyone? Everyone thinks Sebastian is perfect and I have no real way to show them he’s not what they see. He is so good at covering his tracks. Of making it look like everything is my fault.

  My belief in love dwindled to nothing, until I heard Bash’s first cry. The sound alone unleashed something inside of me that would fight until the end of the earth to make it. Make it where? That was something I’m still figuring out.

  Sebastian is not on a trip. I know that. I’m pretty sure he knows I know that.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  Fear Lies

  I’m grabbing a few keepsakes and pictures from Bash’s closet when I see his blanket from when he was little. It is blue and covered with baseballs. The fact he kept it all these years brings tears to my eyes. Easing it out from its place among his sweaters I raise it to my face hoping to smell that baby smell. I’m assaulted with memories of him as a baby.

  I don’t recommend having a baby immediately after you get married. I had Bash almost one year after Sebastian and I were married. The summer in Portland is something to be seen, it’s like everyone is trying to forget the winter. Even when there is snow occasionally in April, it’s gorgeous. After Bash was born in April, I would take him with me to the Japanese Garden where I would pack a lunch and stay for hours if I could. That time of my life is locked in a haze of exhaustion and wisteria.

  I would sit in front of the wisteria vines and rock Bash and let my madness consume me. The blossoms called to me, beckoned me as if we were kin. I’ve read that wisteria symbolizes love lost, but also the heart’s ability to endure. The weeping wisteria shows its sorrow, but it’s an incredibly durable vine that can withstand harsh conditions. I understood all of those contradictions being seen in one thing, I’m that thing.

  When Bash was a baby I ordered the cutest outfits online, complete with wool caps. I had to order everything myself because I didn’t even have a baby shower. I was so isolated, just months after the move, I had no friends. I’m fully aware now that Sebastian did this on purpose, but hindsight is twenty-twenty. At the time, I felt so sorry for myself I bought the most expensive things I could research and find for Bash, just to punish Sebastian for moving me here, away from my friends and family.

  When you give up your dreams weird things happen to your mind. My entire life turned into taking care of me and my baby. I didn’t want anything I did to cause...anyway. As I stare at Bash’s newborn pictures and blanket I’m carrying back to my room, I don’t see how hard it was, those long months of isolation. I see a bouncy healthy boy and I know I did that myself. Without anyone’s help, I brought life to this perfect little boy and I know I can get my own life back. I will get my own life back.

  I am scared about everything. What to eat? If I can run? If I should be around the tools and materials I use to make jewelry. So I stopped everything. The only thing I’ve been doing is coordinating the move from the little house that I love into the monstrosity that Sebastian bought for “us.” Other than ordering items off the Internet to decorate a home that is too big for the three of us, I lose myself in making sure my baby is healthy. I’m ready now. Any day now I will welcome my little bundle of joy into a world that is tenuously strung together with obsession, love and despair.

  My anxiety about being pregnant fueled some erratic behavior. I didn’t want to think about something happening to the baby. Honestly, I didn’t even tell my mother I was pregnant until I was eigh
t months along and the baby could live on his own if anything were to happen to me. My hand carefully caresses my belly that threatens to leave me every day.

  Unease mixes with dread and they puddle with self doubt to crack my delicate sanity. I eat only what was slated on all the organic blogs for future parents as what babies need to thrive in the womb. Every day I have beaten eggs with broccoli for breakfast, a banana shake for a snack, grilled chicken for lunch and another protein for dinner. Sebastian doesn’t bother coming home for dinner anymore. He has graciously left me on my own for days, weeks, months.

  I stew in my distress during this time and stay on the Internet chatting with other terrified pregnant women. There are more than I imagined. I don’t have anyone else to talk to about my fears. He’s taken everyone from me. In college I shut everyone out because I thought he was my soulmate. Hell descended on my life when it should have been joyous.

  I was always so sure I wouldn’t be able to have a baby. I’ve proved myself wrong. I like that.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  You’re Never Too Lost

  I have everything planned for our escape. It took two weeks of planning, not to mention the last ten years, my mother came through and booked several flights for Natasha and Steve. To her credit she didn’t even ask why I asked her to buy tickets in those names.

  Last week I took both my iPad and Bash’s to Christy’s, which was the reason behind my recent contact with her, but I did have drinks with her to hear about her new kinky boyfriend. She had no issue with my small request of leaving the iPads with her when I told her I was finally leaving. She’d laughed so hard she’d choked. Then she told me she was happy I was alive.